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[kayellvee]

That's it, really.  Feeling very anxious, stressed, depressed.  Need to see the doc but finding it hard to get an appointment that I'm comfortable with (agoraphobia issues coming into play here).  Legs really heavy today, finding it hard to walk up and down stairs.  Not on HRT at the minute, tried patches but got an allergic reaction then tried gel/utro but couldn't cope with the utro, as it messed my stomach up and that is a phobia trigger for me. Feel hopeless and trapped due to an eating disorder which is making anxiety worse.  Can't decide whether to try HRT again or an SSRI to help with the anxiety.  Really wish doctors did home visits 

[Sharon J]

Hi kayellvee,
Sorry to read your struggling today, it really is pants isn't it. Can you ring GP and tell them you need an emergency appointment and possibly have someone go with you for support. 

[Kathleen]

Hello kayellvee

So sorry to read that you are struggling. Is it worth ringing your surgery and asking your GP to call you back. My surgery makes calls as part of their triage service so a phone consultation might be possible. Also my friend sends letters to her doctor and emails as well I think.

Hopefully you will get the help you need very soon.

Take care.

K.

[Ladybt28]

I use utrogestan vaginally, especially with the stomach issues.  Orally, it is processed by the stomach and the liver, vaginally it bypasses both so you get none or less side effects.  If you are feeling rubbish Kathleen is right phone and see if someone can call you back.

You could try again with the hrt knowing you can bypass the stomach and so it may not cause you the problems you had before and get some Anti-D's as well for the anxiety.  Other than the stomach issues how were you with the hrt and how long were you on it?

[kayellvee]

Can you not try utro vaginally – did you use to orally before?

I tried both. If anything, I was worse the 2nd day after taking it vaginally - my mood tanked and my stomach was a mess.  My eating disorder/OCD means that I tell myself I need to have a set amount of food each day - I know, it's weird and frustrating and I need to sort this, I've tried with some success in the past but it comes back worse each time - and I just wasn't physically able to do eat what I normally do, so anxiety was through the roof.  I know we're expected to try for 3 months but I just couldn't (and I feel ridiculous and pathetic for having to admit that (self-esteem is taking a battering today too)).

[kayellvee]

Hi kayellvee,
Sorry to read your struggling today, it really is pants isn't it. Can you ring GP and tell them you need an emergency appointment and possibly have someone go with you for support. 

Thanks Sharon - I tried but with food issues feeding into my agoraphobia, I couldn't do it.  My DH is being brilliant and will come with, so that's not a problem.  I did pre-book an appointment for 2nd September at a time I'm comfortable with, so there's at least that and I'm going to try again with the emergency appts on Friday (next time the GP is available).

[kayellvee]

Hello kayellvee

So sorry to read that you are struggling. Is it worth ringing your surgery and asking your GP to call you back. My surgery makes calls as part of their triage service so a phone consultation might be possible. Also my friend sends letters to her doctor and emails as well I think.

Hopefully you will get the help you need very soon.

Take care.

K.

Hi Kathleen, I spoke to the doctor by phone the other day but she's not my regular doc (who's on holiday) and she insisted that I come into the surgery.

[kayellvee]

I use utrogestan vaginally, especially with the stomach issues.  Orally, it is processed by the stomach and the liver, vaginally it bypasses both so you get none or less side effects.  If you are feeling rubbish Kathleen is right phone and see if someone can call you back.

You could try again with the hrt knowing you can bypass the stomach and so it may not cause you the problems you had before and get some Anti-D's as well for the anxiety.  Other than the stomach issues how were you with the hrt and how long were you on it?

Thanks for replying Ladybt28 - see my reply to Birdy above.

[kayellvee]

Just wanted to add, thanks to everyone who replied.  I know I'm my own worst enemy here in a lot of ways.  Before all this hit, I was coping fine, in a somewhat restricted way, but I had a life of sorts, I was even challenging the agoraphobia and food problems quite successfully and I have a super DH.  This sudden increase in symptoms (last month) plus the not sleeping well has thrown me for a loop and I'm struggling to find the new normal.  I don't do well with changes in routine at all.

I ended up getting quite angry with myself this afternoon and ended up rage-cleaning the living room and then going for a walk to challenge the OCD/agoraphobia stuff.  I don't exactly feel "better" but at least I've done something instead of sitting here watching the clock tick by and worrying about being hungry 

[Sharon J]

That's great you had a clean and got out,  two productive things.    Push your self to have another little walk tommoow, I definitely feel better if I get out on my bike or blast some music to lift my mood.    Also I think it's a huge step for most of us to come on here and say I need some advice or help, what a bunch we are hey!  But none of us are on our own and there seems to be always someone ready for a chat. I hope you have a better day tomorrow
 

[squeaker99]

Hi. I recognise a lot of what you say in feeling guilty and angry with yourself. When you are tired and anxious these emotions are ramped up and it is very hard to think rationally or do any of the things that would normally make you feel better.  If I look at myself from an outsiders view a lot of how I think on the inside seems bonkers - self inflected. I think being gentle with yourself is a good tip. I swing between trying to accept , almost embrace my hand ups (health anxiety in my case) and being angry and trying to shut out the thoughts. I have had advice / read books etc both ways and neither is a quick fix. 

I am thinking of keeping a diary to try and track my progress and work out what works and what doesn't . When your hormones are high it all seems so overwhelming.  So many people in the world are in a much worse place than me and my brain feels like it is being chased by a T Rex the whole time. I need to laugh or scream with like minded ladies I think.

Well done you for getting out. Procrastination is a killer.

[kayellvee]

Thank you Birdy, your kind words made me cry.  The problem is, I'm so ashamed of the food issues that I try to minimize them.  I haven't really spoken to a doctor much about them - I was having similar problems (but not quite so severe) in 2013/2014 and the doctor I saw then was really unhelpful - I said I felt I had to eat through the night and she just said, well, you don't need to so just don't eat.  Which is probably true, but really not helpful at all.  She actually said - I don't know what you want me to do here and looked at me with disgust.  I've tried private therapy but haven't got very far.  Feeling pretty hopeless about it all, TBH.  I have a real psychological fear of being hungry ever since I was prescribed Seroxat for panic disorder in 2000 and it's just got worse and worse.

[kayellvee]

squeaker99 - the anger was more at letting the anxiety "win" - I've worked hard for the past few years to overcome this and I was doing OK until the hormones kicked in (or gave out  ) and I suddenly got sick of being a victim. I've got health anxiety too - in fact, I've long had anxiety about being ill from contaminated food for some reason and have always been afraid of being sick, which may be feeding into this.  I feel so guilty about how the way I am impacts on my life with DH.  He is truly a lovely patient man and I hate that we can't go out and do things like "normal" people.  He hates it when I say that I feel like a burden - I'm so bloody insecure and wish I could give him a better life.  He never complains either.

[kayellvee]

Thank you Birdy, so much.  I did phone the MH crisis team back in 2014 and I had a session of CBT which didn't go well, mainly because I focused on the agoraphobia, rather than the food.  I ended up seeing a hypnotherapist who has helped me with lots of other things but we don't seem to be able to do much about the food, in fact, it's got worse/more rigid since seeing him. 

I'm considering EMDR and have found someone locally who seems very supportive and who has experience of eating disorders.  When I can pluck up the courage, I intend to have some sessions.  I never had this fear of being hungry growing up, it was only when I went on the Seroxat, had horrible side effects of increased anxiety and really bad upset stomach and started to associate anxiety with hunger that this all started.  I don't know whether there's some trauma there because it was such a difficult time or what.

I also think I may be autistic, although haven't been formally diagnosed but I fit a lot of the criteria and a lot of things from my past make more sense when considered that way.  I'm wondering if this is what's making it harder to treat or I just haven't found the right person?

[kayellvee]

. I hope you have a better day tomorrow
 

Thank you Sharon