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[Focus]

Sorry for posting again so soon, but I thought I might start another thread.

I feel very alone at the moment. I'm talking particularly in relation to female friendships.

I've always had a slightly ambivalent attitude towards female friendships, although I thought that as I got older (i.e. in the past 10 years), things had evened out and some of what I had noticed as a teenager/younger woman had stopped happening. I really started relaxing and enjoying these friendships more.

Now I'm feeling like some of those friends are cutting me out a bit. And one friend in particular has been cutting me out a bit, but I've noticed that she's also been copying some of my ideas (work/life).

I have a pretty passionate nature. I'm very yes or no, and I don't spend my time or energy on anything that I'm not extremely passionate about. Life's too short, that's my philosophy.

I have very clear views on a lot of things, like how I want my life to be, the way I live it and the work that I do. And I have created and carved my life over many years to reflect this.

The last piece of the jigsaw that really fell into place was after my now ex-husband left, and I had a complete style overhaul. So I now feel like I look like the person I am inside.

I don't step on anyone's toes, as I'm far too inwardly focussed on my own goals. I don't talk about these things openly, I just live them out. I'm quiet, but once you get to know me you realise how strong my character and personality are.

I'm very happy with all of this. It's taken almost 50 years, a lot of hard work and hard work through some pretty horrendous experiences as well. I don't sit around and pat myself on the back about this, I just decide what's next and start focussing on that.

I feel a little betrayed by my friend tbh. I work really hard to think up my work ideas and I work really hard at them as well - very thoroughly. And it's looking a bit like she's just lifted a couple of them and used them.

There's also been a little bit of projecting her own wishes, thoughts and desires onto me as well in the past while - telling me how I should do a few things. This is definitely something I don't enjoy. I don't mind canvassing people's opinions and thinking about them, but I don't really enjoy people telling me what to do. I feel like I can make my own mind up when I've got to to point where I feel ready to make my own mind up.

Are these sorts of gripes normal? I remember having a few women friends/acquaintances behaving like this, over the years, in the past. One even thought it was a good idea for her to pursue and help herself to my now ex husband (they're welcome to each other, btw).

I feel like I seem to attract a bit of this sort of behaviour, and it feels like it's a bit of a repeated pattern. But maybe that's most people's experiences of female friendships and what I'm seeing is totally normal?

[CLKD]

I think many of us use expressions handed down - my Mum would say "If I were You" and when I turned round, about age 13 and told her "I'm not you" I got a slap.    .........

I think it's lazy use of the English language sometimes.  When people say "You" when really they mean "I".  I can't actually think of any incidences right now  but if you sit in a cafe or bus and listen, it's 'you' often.

Friend ship changes.  I have few friends, I have neighbours that I know would respond in the middle of the night in an emergency.  But I stopped relying on others several years ago.  I like my own space.  I read, watch TV, garden ........ I do miss having someone to share my garden with, even though Himself and I get a lot of pleasure out there.

I also stopped expecting anything from others.  For example our Council bins can be out for 2 weeks and not one of the 30+ people down here would think to drag them to the gate  whereas I pull the bins in 4 the neighbours.  Unless I specifically tell them when to take out/in they don't seem to notice.  People drive by several times daily 

Years ago neighbours would say "You'll do X, Y, Z" as they didn't dare - so after a while I said actually I won't, if you see X, Y, Z as a problem you contact the necessary agencies  .  They stopped 'putting on me' - not my sheep, not my farm ;-)

Think what you need from others and when.  We have people that we meet every week but they don't come back here, we get on, catch up, but part at the end of the evening. 

[Foxylady]

It's an interesting topic. It often comes up in conversation between myself & OH about how women treat other women and it can be especially noticeable if (for whatever reason) you are not a parent, you are excluded from a lot of groups and treated as if you have some infectious disease & are viewed with suspicion. I have been used over the years by female 'friends' who I thought were genuine and did alot for, to be dumped when I was of no use to them (babysitting etc). I'm definately more careful now as I get older & try and protect myself from being hurt.

[Focus]

Thank you ladies. Well, I am not a parent and had an ex h who cheated (repeatedly). So sometimes I feel that women have kept me at arms length in case they somehow 'catch' the weakness I had that led my xh to cheating. Like I was somehow responsible for it.

[Yorkshire Girl]

I've replied to a few posts about female friendships. I now don't have any friends since I moved away, before moving I had 6 really good friends and other friends, but the 6 dumped me as quick as look at me. Now living up north I have my sister not too far away, otherwise usually alright with my own company. It is very difficult.

[CLKD]

Some people are drains ............

[Honeybean]

I have a few lovely female friends, who are great. I have a best friend who is brilliant and would do anything for me at the drop of a hat and I her.  I have had crap friends that I have binned after realising.

I have just lost a very old friend. We started to drift because I couldn't keep up with her financially. She became really shallow and although it saddens me somewhat I don't need that kind of friend. She didn't even ring me when my mother died. I thought we'd be friends forever because we have known each other since we were young. Stupidly I thought that kind of friendship was rock solid. Wrong! I have better friends that I have only known a short amount of time.

I think friendships go through phases. Or perhaps our perspective and needs change as we get older.

[CLKD]

I have a few friends that I haven't seen for years but when we do meet we pick up.  Others have been transient.  Some I have dropped ...... when I suffered severe depression and anxiety those that didn't contact my husband to support him were off our C.mas card list!  Even my sibling ............ 

[Focus]

I get that people (my friend) is probably trying to protect herself from me reminding her of whatever she maybe worried about.

Maybe it's that she's never been married and time is getting on as far as having children is concerned, both biologically for her (she's 39) and because her friends/siblings are all married or settled down and already have children.

My feelings can be very intense and all consuming in that particular moment and in the way I talk about them afterwards. I don't really mince my words. I've therefore learnt to temper how I talk about them, and my experiences, to make it easier for the person on the receiving end. But I thought my friend was different, seeing as she spoke so openly to me about some of the bigger issues in her own life.

Ah well.

[CLKD]

I think many need a sounding board.  But aren't necessarily going to take advice and act on suggestions 

Mum certainly needs to vent occasionally which is OK, I understand that - but it's when she makes up lies about issues that I back off.  To a certain extent, sharing is about survival.