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[Focus]

Feeling the most intense absolutely murderous rage today.

Just made the connection. Doing what the doctor suggested, and taking 4 days off from taking the pill every now and then. On day two of not taking it.

I had this same feeling before. It was before I was on the pill, but was taking progesterone to help with the crazy bleeds i was having. It was on about day two after having finished my course of progesterone, and I was feeling this same anger.

Due to start taking the pill again on Thursday. Can't wait, this feeling isn't very nice.

[CLKD]

Even though you know this will pass, the physicality of symptoms can be awful.

 

[Focus]

Thank you.

Funny thing is, a lot of the feelings I'm having remind me of when I had PTSD really bad. So I know what to do to make it easier/better on myself.

I honestly never thought I could get any good from having had PTSD, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy...it's horrendous.

But seriously...lol at my sitch now.

[Focus]

*sigh*

I'm really glad I'm just working by myself today. And I'm going to the gym after I finish.

I feel like I could be short tempered with everyone. And the people that are closest to me would get it the worst.

I feel a bit of anger towards my closest friend. She's kind of kept away from me these past couple of months. Ever since I explained to her what I was going though, and said that my best advice was for her to educate herself a bit, so she was't hit with the utter shock of it, like I was. She said it really worried her and she didn't want to know. She alsp said that 'some women sail through the menopause'.

She's 38 (I'm 49).

Anyway...today...feeling angry at the world.

Best plan is just to get my head down, do lots of work and exhaust myself at the gym tonight.

Actually...just had a thought...anger is an energy, right?! So I can use that energy the way that I want to, to my advantage, right?!

Watch out world : o)

[CLKD]

I had a poster many years ago - it was a polar bear, prone, with a paw over it's head : can't remember what it said but I hung it on the office door on my bad days 

My neighbour, aged 50, doesn't want to know.  I've told her to park any info that I offer for later use.  It will happen.  Forewarned etc. 

[racjen]

Hi Focus, I had a similar thing with my best friend, but the other way round.She went through an early menopause reasonably easily. She feels I'm being too negative when I'm honest about how I'm feeling, totally fails to understand the horrendous anxiety and depression with have floored me. PLus she's very very anti-convential medicine so HRT is just not allowed. We used to speak on the phone regularly but now it's down to the odd text. I just feel that if she can't cope with my negative side when I'm going thru something like this on top of the aftermath of Breast Cancer, then she's not really the friend I thought she was. It's really tough I know, so many of my 'friends' have mysteriously disappeared since my cancer diagnosis - a lot just can't understand it if they haven't been thru it, or close to someone who has.

And by the way, I've also had PTSD and like you I think there's a link with menopausal symptoms; our brains are wired in such a complex way there's never a definite dividing line between these things.

[Focus]

I'm sorry to hear you've had/are having such a tough time.

You know, I got the impression that after my ex-husband had his affairs and left, I was somehow the one that was to be held at arm's length by others. Like my 'bad luck' might somehow be catching. As if by keeping me at arm's length might somehow keep them immune to their own partners cheating.

I just think that a lot of people just don't want to be reminded of the crap stuff that can happen. And that if it happens to someone they know/close to them it's hard for them to deal with. It brings them face to face with their own feelings about it all.

Ah well, their loss. I prefer my straight taking friends.

I was working with someone for a week who was very straight talking about her childbirth experience, and her experience of her body after (her baby is now 10 months old). I felt free to talk about my perimenopause experiences (so far). It was such a relief, we had such a laugh.

[Focus]

racjen, I hardly ever meet anyone with PTSD. What would you say is worse: PTSD or this? For me it was the PTSD, by miles.

[racjen]

Focus, you're right - it's other people who can't cope with the difficult feelings all this throws up, but we're left with dealing with the crap.

PTSD - for me the experience of having to deal with breast cancer on my own, and having 2 teenage daughters to support at the same time, triggered huge memories of childhood bereavement and loss which were still hanging around. I had 6 sessions of EMDR, which was helpful, but I suspect it'll hang around in one way or another for the rest of my life. So since my menopause was a result of chemotherapy it's very hard to separate out the two....

[Focus]

Yes, you're right...it does hang around. It's one of those things that changes you, and your view of the world, profoundly. Like grief. There's no going back, only moving forwards, with the experience of it all as a part of you. A new you, irrevocably changed from the person that was there before.

At least, that's what I've found.

[Kathleen]

Hello ladies.

I have a friend who is nine years younger than me and is having a similarly hard time. Unlike me she has never used HRT and has not taken the AD her GP prescribed. Inspite of the things we have in common she is not very sympathetic or supportive so now we chat about other subjects. I've recommended this site to her many times and told her about the wonderful support that I have received but she insists that she's rather not know too much. I guess she believes that ignorance is bliss.

Take care everyone.

K.

[Focus]

Yup, it's very strange. I guess you don't ever really fully 'understand' it unless you're going through it, or have been through it.

I'm having so many strange dreams at the moment, which are clearly all about me and 'losing' my fertility/youth.

The really funny thing is though, I seem to be looking younger and younger at the moment. The relief of not having to deal with my alcoholic ex-husband is still finding its way into the nooks and crannies of my being. People I've not seen for a while are telling me I look 20 years younger, and some of them don't actually even recognise me. It's like the stress and adrenaline that had been in every single cell of my body is still slowly but surely ebbing away.

I'm also wondering if I was on the journey to menopause much earlier than I thought originally. My nails have been feeling very dry for a number of years now, and I've had vertical ridges for a number of years too. They've started splitting down those ridges recently (which is painful), so I keep my nails super short now.

I think about the same time as the ridges started developing faster, I stopped having a lot of PMS symptoms I'd always had (swollen, sore breasts, jawline spots). So I wonder if my oestrogen started dropping off a little at that point - enough to make those changes but not really for me to notice or pay much attention. And then what I really noticed was my progesterone crashing a while back? Who knows.