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[Focus]

Hi ladies

I'm so glad we have this corner of the internet.

In the outside world I'm finding that any perimenopause chat is pretty taboo. A lot of women I've talked to totally close down over it. Even friends that I've had very honest and frank conversations about things like mental health, death etc with have totally closed down over permimenopause.

it's also making me feel I'm being pushed away. And I end up feeling very alone and isolated.

One of the best chats I had was with a woman who was much younger than me and she was talking about her experience of childbirth, both the event itself and how she was feeling afterwards/is feeling almost a year on. I didn't have anything to contribute about childbirth, but we ended up having quite a frank talk about how women experience their bodies in general through major life changes.

Honestly, it was such a breath of fresh air, and we ended up having such a laugh about it too.

Anyway, I'm genuinely really confused. Why are women like this?

[Dancinggirl]

I'm afraid menopause is still a very taboo subject and I find most women get very inhibited if you mention it. It's also very annoying when women who aren't suffering that badly just say “don't know what the fuss is all about”.

This is why this forum is so great.  Perhaps don't try to talk with other women about it too much and just lean on us on this forum to support you. I tend to just mention my symptoms in passing e.g.  “ oh bother, another hot flush - the delights of the menopause” Ha,Ha!”

There need to be big posters in GPs practises and maybe group sessions held at surgeries to support women better. DG x

[Wrensong]

It can be very isolating, especially if your symptoms are bad & there's no-one around who understands what you're going through.  I got to the point where I was ready to slosh the next woman who said to me "oh, I never had any of that" & moved swiftly on to another topic!  As DG says, you can always come here - there is always someone around to hold a hand, offer advice etc & with so many members, someone has nearly always been where we are, whatever the worry/query.  Can't answer the question as to why menopause is still largely taboo.  Makes no sense to me, when 50% of the population, if lucky to live long enough, will go through it.
Wx

[Focus]

Thank you so much ladies! I really appreciate you stopping by to reply.

And this forum is fast becoming an absolute lifeline! I'm genuinely so appreciative of everyone who calls a spade and spade on here. Some of what has gone on/is going on is awful. But I love that I can say it as it is here, and love that other women feel free to do so as well. And then at some point I can actually laugh about what went on with me.

I mean, I'm almost at the point where I can laugh about the clots I was getting. Almost, but not quite yet...depending on my mood : o)

[Katejo]

I have made occasional attempts to discuss it but friends/ colleagues look embarrassed at least or clam up and avoid the subject.  I want to warn younger colleagues about VA but haven't managed to do so.

[Rosie77]

It has to start from the top.  It would certainly help if menopause would be part of sex education classes in school.  I read article last week that in the UK the subject was going to mentioned in school??  Bravo if this is true!   Also doesn't help that most drs know nothing about it either. They barely get 10 minutes on the subject.  I don't talk to anybody about it anymore.   I am going through this early, my symptoms are very disruptive. 

I've come across so many women who either sugar coat their issues or have absolutely no problems.  However, I was scheduling a sleep study consult and the lovely receptionist asked me why I needed it. Told her not sleeping, always tired, etc.  I told her I am in menopause.  We ended up chatting for a couple of minutes as she has been struggling herself with weird symptoms that her dr said was anxiety. So, every so often it is good to open up with our experiences.  Unfortunately, with strangers only...those closer to me haven't a clue! 

[Focus]

I hope so (about it being mentioned in schools). I mean, you get sex education, you get what seems to be loads of info about puberty and starting your periods and I've noticed that younger women (like in their mid 30s and younger) seem super comfortable in talking about it all, you get info on pregnancy and childbirth, and yet when it comes to this stage in life it's like there a black hole...like it doesn't really happen.

Honestly, I had so many misconceptions - even just one year ago - which I look back to and can't begin to imagine how I could be so ignorant and blind.

I'd rather know about what is potentially looming (like VA) and what kinds of options there might be, that to just 'stop reading about it all' as my friend suggested I do.

I've read about the perimenopause weight gain and am making some changes. There's really not much stuff I can cut out of my diet, I don't really eat much, I'm going to do stuff like replace my breakfast jam on toast with a nut butter on toast. Plus a bit more cardio and more consistent abs exercises.

But I'd prefer to know about this beforehand than be suddenly faced by it and panicking or sinking into depression over it.

[Kathleen]

Hello ladies

Perhaps the subject would be less of a taboo if it was understood thoroughly and treatments were less hit and miss.

Having said that my experience is a little different in that I talk about my menopause troubles everywhere I go and I always get a good response although this forum is the best place to come if you want to be completely understood and accepted!

Until my early fifties I hadn't given the menopause a moment's thought.  When my GP said HRT would be available if I wanted it in the future I honestly believed it wouldn't be necessary. I even recall thinking that women who asked for it must be wimps! I know, shame on me, especially as I am most definitely one of those 'wimps' now and have been for a long time unfortunately.

The standard treatments for the menopaue are various forms of HRT and/or anti depressants. The alternative to these seems to be give it time and let nature take it's course.  My dream is that we can find a third way that is gentle, natural and effective in relieving distressing symptoms that would help all women and be without side effects. Not too much to ask surely! 

Wishing you well ladies.

K.

[Foxylady]

Rosie77, exactly we were talking about this in work one day saying how sex education covers so much but emotions, preparing your body for the future, general health & wellbeing and menopause is never covered!! It is great if you can come across a group locally that you can attend (I went to a group over 6 weeks, covering different aspects of menopause with different specialists speaking & samples of therapies etc) it was a lifeline, although I was youngest there I still felt we had alot in common. I think it's our job to educate others about the menopause, some will be interested others wont.

[Emerald2017]

I think that meno is connected with aging and death and we just don't want to talk about simply cause we afraid and deny it.
I don't talk about my meno anymore and I don't admit it.
I only express myself at the forum cause my close friends and my family simply don't listen and cannot understand.

[Focus]

Thank you ladies.

It's really interesting reading your thoughts and experiences.

The question that immediately springs to my mind is 'why?'. Why don't people want to talk about the big stuff, the tough stuff?

But of course, I know one of the answers to that already because I was married to someone for 15 years who had that approach.

I'm different from that though, I like to run at things full pelt and pick them apart until I've looked at it from every angle I can think of. I've found that a lot of the time, things become more manageable and a lot less frightening that way. 

But I also realise that's not everyone's way and some people aren't comfortable doing that. And I need to let that be. Just move on from that.

[Wrensong]

I like to run at things full pelt and pick them apart until I've looked at it from every angle I can think of. I've found that a lot of the time, things become more manageable and a lot less frightening that way.

You & me both, Focus.  Knowledge is power & all that.

[Focus]

I like to run at things full pelt and pick them apart until I've looked at it from every angle I can think of. I've found that a lot of the time, things become more manageable and a lot less frightening that way.

You & me both, Focus.  Knowledge is power & all that.

I honestly thought everyone was like that...lol!

It wasn't until I was in counselling for the panic attacks I was getting before a court case (and then my now ex-h left me 6 weeks after the sentencing so we started talking about that instead) that my counsellor told me I was very resilient and unusual in the way I approached things, and that most people would prefer not to go at it like I do. Most people would prefer not to look too much into things and drift along more.

That was, hmmmm...three and a half years ago now.

It's honestly made me more 'live and let live' and just try and watch how different people deal with things.

[H C]

sorry you dont have the support from your close friends.   i know im very lucky as my friends do talk openly about it so do my work colleagues even the men in the office and surprisingly are very empathetic about it. (not that they have any other choice).   

but they can't answer the questions like you ladies can 

[Wrensong]

Depends what the issue is Focus, but with health matters that have a serious effect on quality of life, I find I need to know as much as I can, as only that way can I be sure I'm managing it as well as possible.  I also feel a responsibility to gen up so I can get involved in decisions about my care.  I think doing that can also help us understand the challenges medics face when treating us.  Patients knowing about side effects & risks, that some conditions are very difficult to manage & treatments inadequate, takes some of the pressure off them & can make for a more productive partnership & I think & better progress, with less time wasted going to & fro when what may otherwise be unrealistic expectations are not met. 

With long-term conditions there can be so much to learn, not only as regards what received wisdom & research is out there, but from strategies other people adopt.  Insights to be gained too, from being vigilant & inquisitive about the way our own body reacts to treatments & to external demands etc. 

Medics, especially GPs who have to be jacks of all trades, are just like the rest of us, busy, imperfect, fallible human beings who have bad days & can't be expected to know every detail.  So relying on them to sort out every aspect of our health seems unrealistic, when there's also the matter of individual body chemistry in the mix. 

But I also realise that many people don't have the time to research exhaustively & there's a real danger of turning up all manner of misleading & erroneous info on the web.  It can also be frightening learning about something you've recently been diagnosed with, especially as worst case scenarios are inevitably out there that may never apply to the majority of us.  I sometimes have to ease myself in gradually & avoid googling something that might turn up results I'm not ready for!  So I understand why some people prefer to hand their care over to the experts & trust in them completely, as my Mum always did. 

I do think we can miss out by not being well informed though & that's one of the most valuable things about a forum like this, where so many lovely women are willing to share their experience & knowledge on frustratingly taboo issues in an open, generous way.