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[Ladybt28]

This last drop in mood into the abyss which started about a month ago maybe a bit more, before my utrogestan days, weirdly enough has got worse. I am into my 8th day post bleed and the depression is worse than it has been in the last 8 months - in fact Tuesday last it was so out of control I worried myself - I just thought - I want to sleep and not wake up so lets just take a few to many...I didn't but it was a really powerful thought...if something had been said or if I had had to face something in that moment...I would have taken them, it would have tipped me over the edge.

I thought I would have lifted mid-bleed but no. I have become totally irrational about nearly everything and over the last month or more have been really tired.  Sleepy tired, no racing head just darkness.  I don't want to get up and when I am up I just want to go back to bed.  I don't want to leave the house unless I absolutely have to.  Hubby knows I'm rough but he doesn't know how rough and I cant say because he is struggling to pick up the slack with work/shopping and stuff I cant face and it will bring him down and worry him and it's just not the way to go with him.

I dont know what has set off this crippling bout of depression -  my meds are exactly the same as they have been for the last  8 months. There seems no point of me going to the GP if I can't say what I think is happening.  She will drug me up with AD's - its come out of the blue.  I think I have to wait longer to see if it passes or what happens but I needed to write it down here - I have found it is the only place to share.

[CLKD]

What's wrong with ADs  .  Without mine I wouldn't be here.

If depression is so bad than regardless of causation, treatment may be necessary.  When I felt in danger I would go to my Surgery and sit in the waiting room ........ sometimes I would be offered a cup of tea. 

Have you had your VitD and thyroid levels checked? [I may have asked B4  ].  We shouldn't blame everything on menopause.

Why is your Husband struggling - is that your guilt suggesting that he is or has he actually said so?

[Perinowpost]

Sorry to hear you're feeling like this Ladybt28. I haven't any solutions I'm afraid except to say I'm pretty sure that our hormones continue to cycle in the background even whilst on hrt, and this can affect mood. I know this just from how I feel myself at various times of the month despite being post meno.

In the meantime make sure you're diet is good and be kind to yourself. Don't take anti-d's if you don't want to, I know from past experience what goes down must come up and hopefully you'll come out of this soon. Keep sharing xx

[jillydoll]

Hi Ladybt.
I'm so sorry you feel like this. Do you think you need more oestrogen?
I know my needs shift from one month to the next, all the time..
The more you stay in, the worse it's going to get, get out for a walk, force yourself, it may not be a miracle, but might help to feel the wind on your face.
You posted last week about what you do at home, and it's not easy for you, no wonder you feel shit.
Unfortunately, there's no answer for that one, I too, look after a son, and a MIL, who has vascular dementia, and after reading your posts last week, i reckon you've got it harder than me, what with your business too, some days I don't want to get up, I know what's waiting for me, but you have too, even if you don't want to, .....get out more, ...MAKE a little bit of time for yourself, even if it's just 20 mins.
I know what you mean about the antidepressants, you don't have to take them, but you do have to help yourself, if not, then you'll probably find yourself on them anyway, at some point.
You have to start kicking again!
Jeeze, if I lived by you, I'd have you up, out, and about, Don't let this beat you, your stronger than that. Turn the corner, time to give yourself some help now, do it......

[Ladybt28]

JD - see the oestrofen, I'm on 4 pumps?  I had thought about that and I know I have read here that someone was on 6 and/or someone has to do patches and pumps  - my only thoughts on that are - can oestrogen be like drugs the more you use the more you need and then it stops working?  Sure that's not the case but it did pop into my head?

The AD thing, I have got pretty anti because I was on them 40 years and they made me numb but I'm wondering now all the meno anxiety, panic attacks  and all those other terrible symptoms are better - would they work properly alongside the hormones and do what they are supposed to do because it is actually depression they are trying to fix and not everything else.

The not going out or doing stuff for myself comes from "not having enough space in my head" - do any of you know what I mean. What with the work, the house, son, balancing money, feeling bad in my head, not having any energy etc - it's like actually doing that is "one more thing there isn't any room for".  It sounds such a simple thing but it really is just like one thing too many.  I think that's how I got to where I was on Tuesday - the overwhelmedness and frustation is just at tipping point and "one more thing in my head" is one too many.  I dont know how else to explain it.

The other thing is this has been going on for so long - I know others lives are a struggle and sure there are people worse off than me.  I could never write it all down but I just feel I need to catch a break and something good happen for one instead of people getting sick, running around after son, fire fighting, chores, (and the thing about the going out.  I feel if I go out and leave the mess around me, washing, ironing, cleaning, paperwork,  I have to deal with it when I get back so what is the point, it just seems to bring it home to me more when I get back - I try and do little bits if I can but the task is too big and I cant make any headway or if I do like last weekend - I just have to redo it again and more!)  Urgh I'm not doing very good with this am I.

I wish someone did live round the corner - I've wished that for 30 years - I explained to a councellor once that I was the only healthy one so everyone relied on me. So since a child I have dealt with a disabled and sick parent, 2 x terminal illness, 2 x sick babies, 1 x divorce, 1 x husband with a dissociative mental health disorder, 4 x relatives with heart transplants - not so much impact on me but impact on husband that impacts on me - little money because no one could work properly whilst they were dealing with all this shit.  1 x eldest son being an alcoholic, 1 x son with lazyitis and me being a depressive and having hormonal problems all my life. Now most of relatives are dead and my family bar no 2 useless son lives in England, so still only me.

Ref other half CKLD - yes feel guilty, I feel I am letting everyone down by not being a "proper person" and I wrote that he had his own mental health problems and a tendancy to "disassociate" when things get tough for him.  I don't want to be the reason for an episode (we haven't had one since 2015 ish) - I feel I can't lean too hard it's too dangerous.  I know I couldn't cope right now with him being any other way than he is right now. He is is being helpful and kind and supportive but I dare not say how bad I am in case I take him down to my level at the moment.

I know there is nothing anyone can actually do...its nice to be able to write it down.  I know I am strong more than I would ever have time to write down to show you but I'm tired...tired of it all and being strong and it feels like if the slightest little thing happens it's going knock me down and I will never get up.  Its not unusual in my life for things to be this way but at 57 you think I could find a way to stop it by now or control it or live with it properly.

[CLKD]

My way of dealing with stuff is a large box shoved into corners of the rooms  .  Because if I had to sort it I then have to find space and I simply can't be arsed.  But in reality, I spend more time thinking about it all and find that when I do clear a box, it doesn't take that long - but I end up with a box of things I don't know what to do with 

Try not to think too far ahead.  Do what is absolutely necessary.  I do bathrooms once a week whereas MinL used to wipe hers down daily    .  Monday is clear kitchen day
Laundry is done daily, once dry it is put into a huge pile to be taken upstairs until the pile falls over so I have to deal with it.  From the bed, otherwise we can't get in ......... instead of putting it away 'at once' 
No ironing in this house other than for funerals

I had not enough space a few years ago.  Owning pets causes my anxiety to rise, I added a hamster into the mix of 3 cats and a dog  .  Not my best idea and when I try to do too much, DH mutters 'remember the hamster'.  It stops me in my tracks 

I cannot understand people who enjoy cooking or housework  .   I love the person in my house that does though 

Do you make a list of essentials?

[jillydoll]

Ladybt.
Yes I think your onto something regarding the oestrogen, I know we're supposed to find a balance, and stick with it, but Ive found my levels fluctuate so much, so I increase, and decrease, all the time. I know when I'm having too much, and I know when I need more.!
I'm on an increase now, but that will change in a day or two, but that's the way it works for me. Maybe, you need more, and maybe some ladies will say, by doing  that all your doing is messing your system up, but I haven't had anything go wrong as of yet, so that's what I do.
Because of my life style, I've got people who depend on me too, and if I'm crocked up, EVERYBODY is crocked up.
Just leave the ‘mess', in the house, you've got to sort your head out first, you can deal with that when you feel better, and when you feel better, you'll blitz it in no time.
You've had a lot on your shoulders, over the years, and it's probably taking it's toll on you now, so, apart from earning money, which is the most important thing to do , leave everything else and concentrate on yourself. Empty your mind, and focus.
Everything will fit into place , once you start to feel better, go up just 1/2 pump? See how that feels...I'm sure I've read someone uses 6 pumps per day....it's worth a try...
Only deal with what HAS to be dealt with, forget about the chores, and deal with your own mental health....you can over come this....nows  the time to look after yourself, no one else can do it, so YOU HAVE TO......xxxxx

[Ladybt28]

I'm not going to explain this bit very well.  I'm not even sure where the motivation comes from but anyway here goes...So when my lovely mother-in-law died not this November last Nov, there was a house clearance to do and less than a month to do it!  She was big into all kinds of crafts and had craft room. Hubby has 2 sisters left - one in England one her but who lives in a warden assisted flat she is sick with the cardiomyopathy. Her grandchildren who are here took what they wanted and her grandchildren who lived abroad issued their orders as to what they wanted kept but didn't have anywhere to keep it except at my house.  They all have money - well more than us anyway.  One set of grandchildren work abroad, travel light have more money than I will ever see but still wanted "nanny's things"/  Hubby was more upset than he let on. There were loads of lovely things in her house, things she had made, the most beautiful cross stitch embroidery pictures all framed - really intricate and loads of brand new things in her craft room and actually it was worth lots of money.  They wanted to hire a skip and put it all in there!  My Hubby's face...he was heart broken.  Now me... I have never had money so I see value in everything unless it's broken. I always think and even as a child - oh someone poor could use that, someone who has nothing would be grateful, maybe we could sell it and give the money to the heart or the kidney charity plus I am a ridiculously sentimental person - always have been.  Throwing stuff unless it is really old or broken doesn't sit well with me at all....so the contents of her house are in my house! 

We have raised £500 so far through ebay but listing, packing, sorting, making up packs of things to sell is time consuming along with my other duties and we raised over £1000 with her "good furniture". Suffice to say when I say the "task" is too big that is part of it.  At the moment when I sort things out, in between my work and other trauma, I am still left with "stuff left over" and "another box" CKLD.

So that is one part of it too...I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day with this, I dont have the energy at the moment!  It has something to do with control a counsellor once said and all that is definitely out of control.

Nothing in my life has ever seemed simple and straight forward - I have 3 step-daughters who I helped to raise and provide for, who lived in England and had to visit 2/3 times a year when up until they were 16 and we had to pay for all their flights etc.  Everywhere I turned there was an issue and it's gone on and on and now I am older I just don't seem resiliant anymore,  its not even the big things that floor me now, it is the small things.  In the really dark hours I wonder how did I let it get like this, because at the end of the day there is no one else to blame for the state of your life than yourself is there? I should have done something about it all before.

[Hurdity]

Sorry to hear about this Ladybt - you are such a support to others on here too  - even when you are feeling down.

I was a bit confused about the crafts at your house. Aside from what the grandchildren (your husbands nieces/nephews?) wanted to keep which you are storing, do I gather that you kept everything else rather than ( rightly) putting it into a skip, and you have been gradually selling it, but it's taking up time, energy, storage space, head space - unnecessarily? I suppose it depends how much the remaining stuff is worth and how much you need the money? If you've sold all the big stuff then why not donate the rest to a charity shop, or offer it as a job lot through Gumtree to another enthusiast (or FB marketplace)? If you need the money from selling it bit by bit then that's more tricky as it is time-consuming.

I know we've had stuff that's worth something, also clothes, books, CDs and things which could sell on ebay but in the end I sometimes think what the hell and donate it all - I know if I was really strapped for cash I would try to sell it though. It is time/head space vs money though. If it was a load off your mind to sell it as one lot for less, would you be relieved? The sentimental aspect is something else - I'm a bit like that too - have kept far too many things but every now and again I see sense and get rid of stuff!! Feel so much better for it!

It's never too late to take control (now where have I heard that recently  ). All the things that you regret in the past are over now - it is you that is important now and those closest to you. You might have to be firm about others not so close. My husband's brother wanted to store stuff from his campervan at our house as he lives in OZ and we have lots of space but we said no - it's bad enough with all our stuff and various offspring clobber and we're trying to clear out too. He probably thought we were mean but I know I would have despaired at even more stuff!

Sorry that's probably not much help but just wanted to respond.

Do hope you feel better and come out of the pit soon - can you get out for a walk tomorrow into the wind - not sure what sort of area you live town or country but just somewhere to clear the head and feel wild?

 

Hurdity x

[jillydoll]

Sometimes Ladybt, you just have to let go!
Not an easy task, I know only too well, but when things are getting on top of you, bombarding your brain with endless guilt, like, if I get rid of this n that, then I feel like I've let that person down, then, it's time to let go, it's just too much! 
Let go of the past, we can't change that, god, I've lay there thinking, why didn't I do this and that, but we didn't, and we've learnt, so now, we know what NOT to do.

All the good things you've done for other people, are gone now, they know what you've done , and no doubt appreciate it, it's time now to look after yourself and hubby.
One step at a time....stop dwelling on the past, I do it too, not so much now, because I've rammed it my brain, that we can't change it, so, what's the point, we can however, make the rest of our lives as we want it, yeah, we're not rich, far from it, but we can be healthier, happier, and have a contented life.
You have to let go of the things you can't sell, or don't want....for your head space as much as room space....do it lady, and don't look back, you'll feel liberated!
Sometimes, especially at our age, we think we can carry on like when we were in our 20/30s, but we can't, and it all gets too much, until we either crash out, or end up under what seems to be a mountain of problems. This is you....depressed, from what you've took on, ....now is the time to let go, for YOUR own sake.......xxxxx

[Ladybt28]

No Hurdity - it didn't go in the skip. First of all, lots of the craft stuff was new and unused and secondly the other stuff was too good for a skip. I took loads of bits to a charity shop and then as I said and you pointed out, it has been sold on ebay but oh so slowly! I was going to give it to a craft class at the time she died but hubby got a bit of a bee in his bonnet, and kept saying "I'm not having anyone else coming, we will sell it because the people buying it would truly want it and not just take it because it was free".  I kind of understand what he means, one lady had come from the WI and taken stuff when we were clearing, but I know he didn't like this because he stood in the garden till she had gone and was very agitated. He got quite agitated with his sisters too and the grandchildren.  I don't know how to explain it really.  I just packed up everything and thought lets take it home so that everyone can think rather than do something hasty and dump everything and so here I am living in a house that looks like that program on TV "Hording; Buried Alive" 

Although I said we have no money, the money from this is not for us, it has gone to either the British Heart Foundation or the Kidney Transplant service charity. Its all been given away.  I know I am sentimental but when we cleared the house it all had to happen so quick I don't think my hubby had actually got his head round losing his mum.  He is the baby of the family.  As
we have been sorting and selling the stuff over the months he has been looking at it and sorting it and then when it has sold he has been the one packing and sending so I think it's given him time to grieve to be honest and been therapeutic.

I know what you are all saying - I am the best and most practical person at dishing out advice and seeing the way forward but knowing it and doing it are really two very different things and doing anything is a struggle at the moment.

This isnt the only thing, what with youngest son and his antics, if it can go wrong it will go wrong, and just comes really left field when I am not really in the head space to deal with normal stuff.  Punctures on the ways to important meeting, £600 for the vet cos dog busted cruciate ligament and it takes 6 months to properly heal, broken expensive steam generator iron, 2 large customers cancelling because they went bust, the plans I had to go and see new grandson shot down cos I had to pay the vet.....etc etc.  All sounds so petty when you write it down but it's all been ongoing since Christmas and I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel.  I've  been through far worse and longer stressful situations.  You're right Jillydoll I'm not 30 - I'm just not right in the head to deal with it like I used to.  I'm just an old misery.

I'm so glad your all here    Thank you for listening!

[CLKD]

Everyone was in shock and saddened at a difficult time and you took in what was necessary.  People need time to let go of memories.  I have taken in items from my paternal Gran's as well as having photographs from Mum's side.  Still stuck in the spare room but I know that they are there, when I need to look at them.  I have no dependants .......... so am trying to write details on 'photos for social history.

Charity shop is a good way to go.  Write to the others and remind them of what remains.  Tell them that they have 6 weeks to decide whether they want to have it all to sort themselves otherwise  .  I was told that I could have Gran's clocks once Dad died, sadly they were stored in the attic where there was woodworm  so had to go to the tip.  [2006] .  We simply didn't have time to deal with them.  Now we have outlets ........

I read somewhere yesterday that it's best to do one room at a time: I walk in, take a look - walk out again.   . Would sorting it into appropriate boxes: charity, keep, use, sell; be helpful?  I wanted to get stuff out whilst I had the energy to do so.  ..........

Not many like to see their family houses being split up and often lads are worse than women who seem more practical.  Mum took a lot of items that others didn't want in case they changed their minds, after 20 years it got handed to me with history.  Don't under-estimate the hard work involved!

[jillydoll]

How are you today Ladybt? Hope your feeling a little bit better after writing it down yesterday.....
Keep going, keep posting.....xxx

[Ladybt28]

I now have a streaming cold!       

Thanks Birdy - those words are lovely and I'm very teary. I find it heartbreaking  and uplifting both at the same time that people who I have never met can be so nice and so supportive and give me tie and yet people (my family primarily) who get to see me in person don't see any of those things and if they do don't acknowledge them or just take it all for granted or use me as a convenient hook for the blame game (long story).  That's why I am so tired.  I agree with you Birdy and you know I have said before I think our bodies can deal with stress in short bursts but if it goes on for so long I think it gets to a point where it can never really recover.  Which bit gets damaged and how to "support it" is another matter and personally I don't think it can be repaired, and it is something the medical profession has never considered properly, so we are left to our devices.
I do have to say I never bothered about my age but since I got the wrong side of 55 - it has thrown up loads of things for me and not in a good way. I said in August 18 when the hormones really went up the left and they gave me provera, I had come to the conclusion my life had amounted to nothing and it hasnt got any better.  CKLD tried to set me on the straight and narrow and I too know you can't change the past and she said there is still time to change the future, but I don't have the energy for the continuing battle at the moment and any respite from that feeling has only been 5 months at the most.
I feel cross with myself that I let myself think that it was getting better - well I have posted here I thought it was better but I should have known it wouldn't last based on passed experience - any respite for me is really fleeting in the scheme of things.  Now I am disappointed that I let myself get carried away, in thinking I could be "well" all the time but for once I actually thought it was true.

I will keep going Jillydoll and the posting, if you can all put up with me and my "sorry state" I think posting is helpful All this stuff has been hidden my whole life and I have never actually said a lot of what I put here outloud. Keeping all the stuff inside wont help my health either but I have never felt able to say how I really feel about it all before as I dont have any friends and the family are well.....part of the problem. I like my "virtual friends" here  , they are kind, funny, supportive and well a bit "battered" by life so I know they understand.

The cold coming hasnt helped - and I have upped my gel Jillydoll - what harm can it do.
 

[CLKD]

Half a day at a time then?  When crippled by depression myself in the 1990s - I would get out of bed then sit; all day; staring at walls  - even now I try not to look too far ahead.

Is there somewhere that you can put the 'stuff' - out of sight out of mind?  I thought of you earlier, at the top of our stairs is a bin - some is destined for the recycling, a couple of papers are to keep, the tissues need binning - but I walked by it.  There's tomorrow to deal with that 

Don't be hard on yourself.  The Change does what it says on the tin.  Plus many are dealing with teens, kids trying to get jobs, elderly parents, possible redundancy .......... etc. etc. etc..