Do you have a mental health crisis team.
Menopause aside, from a new person reading of your struggles I would think you need to be open with your GP and tell him/her how dark your thoughts are.
Then when you hit bottom you will have a number to call and a person to speak to and who will come to you and support you.
So many issues are blamed on the menopause but there are times when it has to be accepted its possibly something else and more.
In my very humble opinion you should dismiss menopause and concentrate on getting your mental health sorted out. You need counselling, and an effective anti depressant.
When you get to the point of writing letters to your daughters then it's time to turn up at A&E and tell them of your suicidal feelings. The help is there but no one can guess what's going on in your head unless you tell them.
I've really no right to comment but it seems to me that you are going round in circles and you are the only one that can stop this, but you need to shout for help.
If you were my mother then I would have you at the hospital in a heartbeat. Do your daughters actually know. You need to tell them rather than leaving two girls wondering for the rest of their lives what they missed and what could they have done to help.
I wish you the very best, but enough, go and get some help.
I have shouted and shouted for help - the Mental Health Crisis Team have been here numerous times in the last year. They eventually advised me that I needed to change GP as my problems are clearly hormonal and I need specialist treatment, but my GP was refusing to refer me to a menopause clinic (there are none in Devon and Cornwall). They then referred me on urgently to the Community Mental Health Team, several months later I'm still waiting to be given an appointment with the Clinical Psychology Team at Torbay Hospital. I have phoned the Crisis Team and the CMHT on a few occasions, their reaction tends to be 'try going out for a walk/having a bath/just stop bothering us' because they are horribly understaffed and overworked. The Samaritans are much more helpful and sympathetic.
I've tried numerous antidepressants and other drugs, unfortunately I have an extreme sensitivity to them which means that they make me even more depressed and dangerously suicidal. My GP knows exactly what I'm going through, I'm completely open about it and have had both counselling and psychotherapy, to no avail.
I don't want to be rude, but may I suggest that as a new person on a forum you find out a bit about someoné's background before weighing in with your patronising advice - your post has made me pretty angry, especially the inference that I don't talk to my daughters about this and that I'm not trying to help myself.
In fact I'll modify that - I do want to be rude. Who the hell do you think you are to give me such patronising advice when you know nothing about my background? I've been struggling with worsening depression and anxiety for the last couple of years, brought about by chemotherapy induced menopause, and the last thing I need is someone who thinks they know all the answers.
I've tried every avenue I can possibly think of to get help and nothing seems to improve matters, and you think you can just come on here and tell me how to solve my problems after 5 mins? I'd better stop there or I really will be rude.....