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[Jeepers]

This week has been so very hard, I feel like I am in a dark and lonely place right now.

Two weeks ago I went to the menopause clinic, and had a consultation.  I mentioned that since I upped my dose of oestrogel to 3 pumps, and added in Androfeme, I have been feeling anxious again and been having breast or chest pain.  The doctor examined me and said that she thinks she can feel a couple of cysts and I need to go to the breast clinic to get them checked out.  So now I have an appointment next week.
In the meantime, I started to get pains in my upper back, and strange twinges in the tip of my jaw, and I had bad palpitations and fet dizzy. I rang 111 and they said I needed to go to Primary care within 12 hours. 

Of course, I started to panic.  But I went, and was given and ECG and a load of blood tests, all of which came back normal.  Which was a relief initially, but the chest/jaw/back pins havent really gone away. the chest pains are sharp and in the middle, sometimes slightly to the right, between and below my breast.  The back pain is upper, at the back of my ribs.. it comes and goes and it feels tight.

The backdrop to all of this is that my cat was really poorly, and had a biposy done a week ago (day before I went to the A&E), and then on Monday he took a turn for the worse.  I took him back to the vets and his colon was completely obstructed, and sadly, I had to have him put to
sleep.  I work away during the week, and its all been such a strain.

I feel like I am going insane with eveything, feel like I am definitely dying, and I will be letting down my daughters by dying (its less than two years since my Dad died, and I don't want to put them through what I went through while they are still in their twenties).

I think about all of the things I've done in the past and feel so guilty.  I feel guilty and ashamed for taking HRT, like I am being selfish, vain and weak. 

All of the above makes me think I am becoming unhinged, and I don't know how to be normal anymore, my work is really sufferring. I think I need to get counselling maybe. I've reduced my oestrogel back to 2 pumps, but it hasn't broken the cycle of jumping from one
terrible diagnosis to another, all day everyday.

Sorry to ramble on, I just feel so alone.
 

[CLKD]

You are no longer alone!

I have a persistent hacking cough.  With low back pain as well as aches in the neck and breast.  I have history of breast treatment in the 1990s and of course, am thinking - well, not particularly positively.

Cysts are usually that.  They feel different on palpation to lumps that maybe become troublesome.  Do you have an appt. for the breast clinic, did she refer you via e-mail?  I suggest that you ask which Clinic you have been referred to and then ring the Dept. to see how long a waiting list is likely to be.  Then you can plan your work needs.

I get pains in my jaw when I have indigestion  .  As well as behind the breast bone.  If you have palpitations you may well be dizzy, because you aren't breathing correctly.  Do you sing as this encourages us to breath correctly  - however if I sing right now, I start coughing.

You are not weak.  You manage to get to work, you regonised that your cat was poorly and you made the decision with the Vet. not to prolong suffering.  Been there, done that - 4 pets PTS in 22 months.    I have intense guilt about my dog which makes me gasp it's so acute, because I can't say 'sorry' to her  . 

It will take a day/several for the body to accept the lesser dose, try to breath calmly and let the drug do it's work.  Maybe keep a diary of how you are feeling; food/symptoms/medication?

   how about making an appt with your Practice Nurse to show her the cysts?  A bit of gentle palpation and the chance to talk over your worries will help enormously.

[marge]

So sorry to hear you're having such a bad time Jeepers.  I also think this time of year, when we're supposed to be happy and excited etc, is tough if life isn't like that for you at the moment.  All the aches and pains you mention are ones I think  a lot of us have experienced and are only made worse by worry and anxiety.  As a lovely lady I know always says "this too will pass" and it will.  Hope you feel better soon.

[CLKD]

Remember that as oestrogen levels drop so muscles may become lax = aches and pains which can be eased by over the counter pain relief.  Oestrogen can cause the skin to become dry too ...... which brings it's own problems.

Plus having to part with your puss ............ tell us more about him?

[Droopeydrawers]

Hi jeepers so sorry to hear what a rotten time your having and clkd did a first class reply to you spot on with all her advice and observations.
Everything your describing has happened to us on some level but you've did everything exactly correct by having it investigated and explained to you.
I can't say anymore than clkd said and dont feel alone because your not.we are all going to leave this life at some stage so live for the moment stuff tomirrow and enjoy your precious days with your lovely family because you can't relive that time you lose with them as you know.My lot are temperamental pains in the arses but when push comes to shove I'm there for them and that's all your daughters need to know.Be strong and push yourself through the bad days and keep yourself occupied with things you enjoy.youll get past it.im not on hrt now I've decided to stop it and I'm doing grand and if I can do it trust me anyone can I'm a bit of a wimp lol.DD😘

[CLKD]

   DD

Also: have a chat with your daughters.  They may be able to help a lot more if they are aware of your situation and feelings 

[Ladybt28]

  so sorry to hear you are having a rough time.  Stress can do horrible things to the body and it's all the worse when you are feeling bad anyway.  I spent 15 years with weird left eye headaches and I have had numerous consults about pain in my right ear plus a list of other ailments that would go on and on. Turns out ear pain same as birdy - jaw clenching whilst asleep.  Luckily for me the majority of it all has stopped since I have been on the "right" hrt for me. My depression is still raging out of control though but no longer backed up with pain!

Don't feel guilty about the HRT at all, why would you?  It's what your body needs so take it just cos some other women "sail though" (I too want to poke their eyes out  ) doesnt mean we all can or that we are somehow lesser people or weak because we can't - in fact I would say we are a million times stronger than them with all the stuff we have had to deal with to get to where we are!

marge is right - we are all supposed to be "full of festive cheer" but hey ho sometimes it's just s**t at xmas. This year the whole thing is making me more miserable than usual so I would just like to skip to March.  I've asked Santa but I'm not sure he will deliver the wiping of 3 whole months! I'm lonely too. You and me both (and anyone else who feels like joining in) can have Bah Humbug moments throughout the "festive" season any time day or night.
Don't worry Jeepers (easy to say I know) but you are in good company here and CLKD's post is just right! Hang on in there your body is adjusting - takes months sometimes.

[Rosie63]

Hi Jeepers.  Sorry you're feeling so low at the moment.  I'm not an expert at these things but I'm thinking some of your aches and pains could very well be due to stress.  Having a family pet put to sleep is traumatic and upsetting which wouldn't have helped with your stress levels.

I can't add much more to what the other ladies on here have said but what I would say is that I was in a very bad place this time last year and I remember saying to my mum that if I was going to feel how I felt at the time, I didn't really want to go on.  A year on and I'm in a much better place having managed to find a HRT that seems to be working for me.  It's not perfect but a lot better than it was.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that things will get better so hang on in there and I'm sure things will improve soon.

Sending much love.

Rosie63 xx 

[Ladybt28]

and I only want to poke their eyes out Birdy 

[CLKD]

Told them the same probably.  She would be a person I would avoid !

Come in Jeepers 

[Kathleen]

Hello ladies.

Jeepers - I'm so sorry that you are feeling  awful and I do sympathise. I realise it's not much comfort but you are not alone in your suffering.

Birdy -  Shite and mad just about sums me up today!  BTW my MIL was equally unsympathetic. She told me that her menopause consisted of one huge sweat one day and that was it. I asked her to imagine that happening day after day and night after night for years and she did concede that would probably be tough going.

Wishing you all well ladies.

K.

[Jeepers]

Hello all

thank you so much for your replies.  Your kindness made me cry, till I read Birdys "Fuck off" and "shite and mad", then I burst out laughing, so thank you for that too.

I have an appontment for the breast clinic on Friday, so not much longer to wait.  To be honest, I am more worried about it being my heart, and I am about to have a heart attack.  I have had two ECGs and blood tests, so fingers crossed I wont.  I've also had a chest x-ray, in case it was lung related.  This was another big fear, as my Dad died of lung cancer quite recently, and I am still haunted by the last days.


The ED doctor said it is worth following up with my GP, and getting a thyroid function test, as she noted that I had a slight tremor in my fingers (I was very anxious though, so who knows).

I find it almost impossible to talk to anyone in RL, as I feel so unhinged, and I don't want to freak out my daughters, one of who has anxiety and depression.  She often messages me and says she doesn't know how she would cope without me, so I have to be strong (outwardly) for her.  Their Dad is a feckless alcoholic narcissist, so they only have me.

My lovely cat was only 8! He was the most placid easy going cat anyone could ever meet, the vets loved him too.    Handsome Ginger boy, he could be very naughty though.  As I mentioned, I work away in the week, and on my way home I rang my Mum and said how I was dreading getting home, and him not running out to greet me, and she said? "You'll get used to it", so its not just MIL's who can be unsympathetic is it? 

I have recently started dating a dentist, maybe I could ask him about teeth clenching (Oh, the romance of it all!).  I think the diary thing will help, I just need to be organised enough  to do it.  This is me:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4P785j15Tzk


Thank you all ladies, for being out there, you have no idea how much it means (gonna stop now, or I'll cry again!) 

[AgathaC]

That is great about dating the dentist. Everything else can go to pot but you will still have lovely teeth!
After such a low year, with crippling health anxiety, I felt that I was getting to grips with all my perimenopause symptoms and was stable in my “new normal”.
Then this morning I awoke to a horrid period, just five days after the last one stopped. Aargh! Is this the start of the menopause proper? I've been regular (but increasingly heavy) for as long as I can remember. And I feel crap today, no sleep, bags under eyes, back ache, stomach ache, you name it. And lots of crying!!! Ugh. This “menopause journey” is like a nightmare.
Jeepers - hope you have a good day today.  Sorry about your cat. I understand how you must miss him x

[JaneinPen]

Hi Jeepers. So sorry you are feeling anxious and despondent at the moment. CLKD said it all. I too get jaw ache when I have indigestion along with chest pains. I don't always feel it is that because I associate it with the need to burp but this doesn't always happen and also happens when I have not eaten anything as well so wouldn't expect it to be indigestion. I also ended up at A & E one morning by ambulance because my heart was jumping. They found nothing wrong and said I was probably just stressed so all your symptoms are real but they are probably just like a lot of us get and they are being caused by all your stresssful feelings. Big hugs xx

[CLKD]

"Stuff" - done yet? love it.

We have the privilege of letting our pets go when they are in pain.  It's hard at what ever age :-(. 

I am unable to burp  .  If I do it makes me jump