Thank you.
I managed to fall asleep again for a few hours and feel a bit better now, although I've pretty much still got a blinding headache. I actually dreamt about making love with my fiancé : o)
That's been part of everything that's been stressing me out. I really love being able to be so close to him (in every way), and not knowing when I could was making me feel so depressed. We don't live together, he live a two and a half hour drive away so we only see each other at weekends. Our time together is really precious, and we like to fill it with tons of different things we both want to do, and maybe one of us has never tried. Rock climbing anyone? I never, ever imaged I would be doing that. But I loved it and would totally do it again.
Anyway, I found a couple of websites that sold me some Norethisterone, so I bought that. Whatever happens, I'll be able to do my couple of days business events in January and February without having to worry. And we can maybe also plan to go on a mountain hike at some point in the new year.
Even if I end up not having the use them (either because I have no period, or because it's light or very light) I feel much, much calmer knowing I have them there as a safety net. And it's not been dependent on going to see the doctor either and whatever she says.
It's taken me a long time to get to this point in my life, where I really like my life, who I am and what I look like. I was with/marrried to an alcoholic for 18 years. I ended up with such little self esteem I'm unrecognisable now from where I started from (which was jus a handful of years ago). And when I say unrecognisable I mean literally too. I've had to tell people I've known in my past life who I am because they've not recognised me.
If you've know any sort of addict you know that the most important thing in their life is the thing they're addicted to. I was second best to the alcohol.
He had affairs too. I had no idea what was going on. I mean, why would the person that you were married to cheat? You wouldn't cheat on them, so why would you think they might do it to you? Anyway, some of those girls were less than half my age, and one gave him an STI. Then he had what I think was an on/off affair with someone 16 years younger than me, for...maybe 3 years? He left abruptly, had about 2 weeks to himself (I think) and got together with her. 9 months later she was pregnant.
So, back to me : o) You can imagine what that did to my sense of self and safety. But I totally pulled myself up by the bootstraps, dropped everything to do with helping him out (I had been helping him run his phenomenally successful working life because he hated having to do anything practical where he wasn't having a good time), and used that energy for myself.
Most important thing for me was to become financially stable and secure (I had been homeless for a year as a child when I was 10 years old). So after a year of very slowly getting myself back on my feet I decided that my big goal was that I going to pay off my mortgage as soon as I was divorced. I didn't do anything to initiate the divorce, or sort it out. It wasn't what I had wanted and I wasn't going to spend my time and energy cleaning up his mess for him - again. My time and energy was going to be for myself and for me to build my own future with. I worked so hard over the next two years that I was in a position to do so. A week after my divorce papers finally came through (which I believe his mum did all the work sorting out) I walked into the bank to pay off my mortgage.
I had lost so much weight so quickly after he had left through the total trauma of it all (2 stone in 2 months) that I started dressing totally differently. Hello TopShop, ripped jeans and body con dresses!
I also started doing physical things (dance classes, barre, yoga, and eventually running) to try and improve my mental health and make me feel more steady and grounded in myself. It had the unexpected side effect/benefit of helping tone me up as well.
I started going out again, and my best friend insisted I go out on a few dates. That was a laugh! I was shocked at how wrecked and tired a lot of men - most men I met - my own age looked and acted. I knew I wasn't like that. I've always looked really young and youthful - most people thing I'm about 35 when they meet me. It also helps that I'm short, very small (especially now), and very soft spoken. I also work with people that are much younger than me which probably helps.
Anyway, I knew that I didn't belong want to be with anyone (talking about being with a man here) in that 'middle aged and knackered' category. If I was going to be close to anyone, they had to have a vibrant, youthful outlook and be making healthy choices for themselves: moderate alcohol, no smoking, eating well, good boundaries...As I was imaging my ideal partner I threw in a couple of cheeky requests and made myself laugh a bit with it (manly physique, but a cheeky boyish face).
A while after I met my now fiancé, and he is *exactly* who I had wanted to meet. We just hit it off instantly and have been having the most amazing time discovering things and sharing things together. And it's been almost two years now.
So, I'm sure you can understand my frustration at now having this thrown at me, when I'd worked so hard to get to this point in my life, and I didn't even know this sort of thing existed in the world in the first place. In my naivety I though that your periods would just sort of fade away into nothing at some point, and you'd have a few hot flushes, and then you'd be menopausal. I know, laugh at me because I'm totally laughing at myself at this point.
But then, I had no idea how it felt to have been married to an alcoholic and to have been on the receiving end of multiple infidelities until well after my ex husband left and I had a lot of time to think things over and reassess things, and make *my version* of events, that didn't take into account any of his denials, minimising, gas lighting etc.
So, there we have it. I feel very, very tired, like I've been through some sort of battle. But I've been talking about it with my fiancé since things got especially bad mid October, and letting him know everything. I don't think I'd ever had this in life, but we feel like companions and I don't feel scared or ashamed sharing things about myself with him, even things that really make my toes curl.