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Author Topic: help - I feel suicidal  (Read 12847 times)

racjen

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help - I feel suicidal
« on: November 03, 2018, 11:30:39 AM »

I feel seriously suicidal this morning - was awake all night from 1am for two nights running. Can't stop crying. I just can't see any sign of this nightmare ending, it's been a year now of awful morning anxiety, failed ADs and other drugs and increasing depression. I want to live, but not like this, but I can't bear the pain it would cause my daughters if I killed myself. But right now I just want to take an overdose and never wake up. I'm in agony.
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Angel1964

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Re: help - I feel suicidal
« Reply #1 on: November 03, 2018, 11:34:29 AM »

Hi racjen PLEASE CALL A HELPLINE. I am sending you the biggest hugs ever. Xxxx
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racjen

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Re: help - I feel suicidal
« Reply #2 on: November 03, 2018, 11:56:06 AM »

I feel like there's something seriously wrong with me that nothing's going to fix - everything I try that helps other people seems to make me worse. Been trying CBD oil which is supposed to help with anxiety and depression, and although it helped with sleeping it didn't do anything else. So I upped the dose and now I feel majorly depressed, just like when I take ADs, even though everyone says it's perfectly safe and it can't have that effect on you. So what's going on? Am I making it all up on some level for some bizarre reason stuck way back in my childhood? I just don't want to be here any more when it feels so bad.
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Peroxideblader

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Re: help - I feel suicidal
« Reply #3 on: November 03, 2018, 12:20:27 PM »

please don't do anything I have been where you are and still have the darkest of days I am sleep deprived it's been over 7 years and it is torture.  I too don't get good results from anything that helps others it is an awful heart breaking place to be. my children like you keep me alive and you need to keep telling yourself that..life will get better it won't seem that way now but it will. please please pm me if you want to I'll be there for you..the black dog and me are best friends I've learnt to live with him ....and the early hours of the morning are always the bleakest I'm there every night..sending love and support xx
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EnglishRose

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Re: help - I feel suicidal
« Reply #4 on: November 03, 2018, 02:04:49 PM »

I feel seriously suicidal this morning - was awake all night from 1am for two nights running. Can't stop crying. I just can't see any sign of this nightmare ending, it's been a year now of awful morning anxiety, failed ADs and other drugs and increasing depression. I want to live, but not like this, but I can't bear the pain it would cause my daughters if I killed myself. But right now I just want to take an overdose and never wake up. I'm in agony.

Look  at this you wrote on the 28th Oct

Well yes AgathaC, it really does make that much difference - if I swim in the river in the morning it both kills the anxiety and lifts my mood to the point where I can be quite exuberant. My daughters and I went to a National Trust house in the afternoon and spent the whole time killing ourselves laughing at the various portraits, naked cherub friezes and other strange artefacts on display”

Pm me if you want to chat x I'm Lancashire way. I'm looking to make connections 👋
It's a bad day... better days will follow... nothing stays the same good or bad
« Last Edit: November 03, 2018, 05:54:43 PM by roseenglish »
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racjen

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Re: help - I feel suicidal
« Reply #5 on: November 03, 2018, 03:01:20 PM »

Thankyou everyone, I phoned the Samaritans. Still here x.
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Ladybt28

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Re: help - I feel suicidal
« Reply #6 on: November 03, 2018, 03:16:28 PM »

Racjen - find someone to be with you - keep posting here - think about your daughters!  I know it all gets too much believe me you have seen my posts - it's not easy - but ending it is not the answer either.

See what Roseenglish has posted - some days are worse than others although they all seem pretty black and you know that in your heart of hearts - it is just a really very bad day but what you wrote to AgathaC now applies to you.  What you want to do and what you need to do is get sleep - but you what you want to do as well is wake up because you're daughters need you!

Can you catch a snooze this afternoon? - sleep deprivation is the absolute worst for depression - but sleeplessness is also a feature it.  I know because when I am bad I can't sleep and I find night time the worst because I sit up thinking when I should be in bed resting but I just cannot switch my mind off!   CBD oil did'nt do anything for me much either.

The trouble is it is probably not the CBD oil that has caused this - it is the fluctuations of your hormones and the fact you cant get the regime to settle. My anxiety phase was really long about years but now it has gone - so it is possible.  I know I cant say anything to make it feel any better or take away those feelings but keep talking to us and it will pass - it may not pass to a good place that you think it should be but it will pass to a place which isn't quite so bad. It's baby steps. Up a bit - down a bit - very low - then up again for maybe a bit longer - that's how it goes!  Honestly I know and I really feel for you. :bighug:
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AgathaC

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Re: help - I feel suicidal
« Reply #7 on: November 03, 2018, 03:34:32 PM »

Only just seen this!!

Racjen - you are not alone.

We are all here for you.

I'm up in Surrey/London otherwise I would offer you some face to face support. Hate to think of you feeling this way.

I've just had a great few days walking - your equivalent of the wild swimming. Felt terrific.

Home now. Shit day at my office yesterday. No sleep last night. So today I am anxious, jittery, panicky.

You got to press the stop button now today as you've got to your limit. Have a swim, put on a film, have a sleep. Anything to get out of this complete trough that you are in today.

Lots of love and please send an update TODAY xxx
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Annie0710

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Re: help - I feel suicidal
« Reply #8 on: November 03, 2018, 05:48:00 PM »

Hi Racjen

Hope you're feeling a bit better now

Is there anyone physical you can contact to come sit with you when you're feeling this low? Could Crisis team help you ?

It's so sad to read these sorts of posts, and to have tried so many different ADs with no effect, it breaks my heart

Big hugs xxx
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racjen

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Re: help - I feel suicidal
« Reply #9 on: November 03, 2018, 07:21:32 PM »

No, I get the impression the Crisis Team have pretty much given up on me because I've officially been handed over to the Community Mental Health Team, but since their psychiatrist was one of those ignorant gits who doesn't take menopause seriously and was incredibly patronising and belittling in his assessment, I'm now on a waiting list until whenever they have someone available to help me. The Samaritans have been much more helpful and sympathetic.

Ladybt - the confusing thing is that I don't have any fluctuations in my hormones. I had chemotherapy for breast cancer 2 years ago and that completely destroyed my ovaries, so the only hormones I'm getting are via HRT. Nobody apart from the private specialist I saw a few times has taken any interest in trying out different regimes, I'm just stuck on Evorel 100 patch with Utrogestan if I can bear to take it, and that's it. No idea what my estrogen level is now. I can't afford to keep going private, I've lost my job and now existing on ESA. Just hanging on for the Poole Menopause CLinic appointment I've had to fight tooth and nail for, on Nov 20th. And Poole is a 3 hour drive from me...

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racjen

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Re: help - I feel suicidal
« Reply #10 on: November 03, 2018, 07:28:21 PM »

Actually probably the most helpful thing the Samaritans volunteer did today was to give me permission to just have a really bad day - at the moment I'm battling on, forcing myself to go to yoga classes and zumba classes and see friends and walk into town so I don't end up a recluse etc. etc. and actually, after two nights on 3hrs sleep I'm bloody knackered. I find it really hard to give in and admit that it's all become too much, I just can't do it today, because I'm terrified that if I let myself have a day when I stay in my pyjamas on the sofa I'll never get up again. Just have to wait and see what happens tomorrow.
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AgathaC

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Re: help - I feel suicidal
« Reply #11 on: November 03, 2018, 07:32:31 PM »

Good to hear from you, Racjen x

You've got that appointment in 17 days. It's a while but it's something to work towards, at least.

What or who can you take to that appointment so that they understand your situation fully and you can get proper “value” out of the appointment?

I'm sure you've already thought of this because you are very clear and thoughtful in your posts but a diary and a timeline will help and also maybe even a copy of some of your posts here? So they know that these feelings and episodes are regular and cyclical and hormone driven.

In the meantime, how can we help? X
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NorthArm

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Re: help - I feel suicidal
« Reply #12 on: November 03, 2018, 08:16:58 PM »

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way Racjen - it's an awful place to be. I second what all the other ladies have said ❤️❤️

Above all, please, please be kind to yourself ❤️❤️
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Trufflecat

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Re: help - I feel suicidal
« Reply #13 on: November 03, 2018, 08:46:11 PM »

Just sent this and want to send you a virtual hug ((Racjen)) . Please phone the Samaritans again this evening xxx
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AgathaC

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Re: help - I feel suicidal
« Reply #14 on: November 03, 2018, 08:47:31 PM »

Well said, Northarm. Very well said. We are often not kind to ourselves.

Racjen - you are a mother of two girls (hope I got that right), breast cancer beater, eloquent lady, wild swimmer. Try and hold on to that when you are in those dark places even though (as I know) it can be impossible to shake off the black dog of doom snapping at your heels.

Keep that Samaritans number close by and call them if you need to. Do you have anyone in the house tonight?
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