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[Mandy Is Nuts]

Hi all. Thanks for the add.
I've just turned 47. I am in a same-sex relationship & have been with my partner for almost 5 years. On the 30th of this month, we celebrate our first wedding anniversary.
I have battled with depression, anxiety & OCD since I was a teenager. I have always been a moody person. However, in the last 3 or 4 years, this has become much worse. I will fly into a temper at the drop of a hat. I will throw things around, self-harm & generally be a nightmare to put up with. I feel like I could literally kill people for the tiniest of things. After I've calmed down, I go on a big guilt trip over how I've treated those close to me. I sweat like a race-horse. I'm up every night for the loo. & I occasionally lose control of my bladder. Even more occasionally, I lose control of my bowel.
My sex life has officially died, about 8 months ago. Even though I have always enjoyed sex. Just the thought of it these days too much to bear.
My periods are still regular. I have been tested & although I am not showing any symptoms of even being peri-menopausal, my GP has started me on Elleste Duet. (2nd dose today). I am praying I don't have the weight-gain or migraines that are associated with it.
So that's me. All 12 stone, miserable me. 

[Dancinggirl]

Hi and welcome to MM

Do read up all the factual info on this site to get clued up. Hrt can help but in the peri meno stage the fluctuations can make things difficult.
HRT shouldn't make you put on weight - it's actually quite common to put on a bit of weight due to menopause anyway but some women find they feel better on HRT so can do more exercise - so HRT can help to maintain a good weight. Often a bit of bloating can occur at first and this often settles as the body adjusts. It's common to get a headache just before the bleed happens - no HRT will be without some side effects but the benefits should outweigh the side effects.  I found my headaches were reduced when on hrt.  If you normally suffer with migraines then transdermal HRT might be more appropriate.
Don't look for problems - it can take a few months for your body to settle on any HRT but if you do find that the progesterone phase brings strong side effects then you may need a different hrt type.
It's very important to maintain a good diet and exercise regime as hrt can't fix everything so do see if there are some small changes you can make to improve things.
Keep us posted about your progress. DG x

[AgathaC]

Hello Mandy. I'm Nuts too! 47 next birthday. Horrid perimenopause. OCD all my life and a worrier but only anxiety in the past three years. And quick to temper, yes. Lots of similar symptoms. It's just so flipping awful. And I'm even 12 stone (I was 10 stone 3 years ago). Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. My periods are still regular too. You're not alone, you know. Can I ask how old your partner is? Xxx

[Mandy Is Nuts]

Thanks! I neglected to mention the fact that I cannot, for the life of me, make a bloody decision! IF, I do, I can't seem to stick to it. My memory is awful. I have just had the all-clear for M.S.
Sorry, I digress. My wife is 43. I have two step-daughters aged 18 & 12. There was an older one, 21, but she passed away from a heart condition 2 years ago.

[jillydoll]

Hi Mandy is nuts....

Post away, ask away, someone's always on to answer.
Congratulations on your 1st anniversary.   
Got anything planned?     
I'm so sorry to hear about your step daughter, that must have been unbearable,
Have you been to bereavement counselling?
Could that be a reason for the rage? I mean ,that must have been so traumatic.

As for your hrt, I'm on femoston conti, and Sandrena , so can't comment on yours,
but I used to worry about the weight gain, but I haven't put any on.
As for making decisions, join the queue, there's a lot of us like that, lol.
Hope you get good results from your hrt, but let us know how you're getting on.

[Mandy Is Nuts]

Hi Jillydoll.

Thanks for your reply & for the congrat's 

Haven't got any plans, as the girls father won't be having them at the weekend.
I haven't had any counselling. To be honest, the eldest daughter & I did not get along at all. My wife underwent counselling.
I've always been a moody so & so, but the temper, the quickness of it, it scares me. Then there's the guilt after losing my temper with those around me. I did think that I was losing my mind with all of these seemingly, random, unrelated, symptoms. I recently saw a consultant, fearing that I had M.S. He wrote to my GP & essentially said that it was all in my head. "It's just the way the body works", is what he actually said.

Glad to hear that you haven't gained any weight. 

Already, I have found it reassuring to know that I am not alone in this. I've only read a few posts so far, but it's already helped me feel less alienated.

[jillydoll]

Hi Mandy is nuts..(lol I think we're all a bit nutty at times..) 

OMG, another doctor saying'its all in your head!' It drives us mad, on here.
You're not the first or the last to have that said to you..
My doc said ‘I can give you antidepressants, because often it's all in the head.'  Grrrrrr.
I get so mad when I hear that, someone said on here, that doctors should read this forum,
then they'd probably understand how we feel... 
Anyway, stay on the hrt for 3/6months, and if you haven't any relief by then go back and ask for another type.
Most of us have to switch around until we find one that works better, I've been on patches, then pills,
now I'm on pills and a gel too. And still I've got a few problems with anxiety crap, but at least my moods and irritability has gone off a bit.
I don't know what to say about your anger, except, I think we all have that to some kind of degree, it's how we handle it that matters, and as you say, you feel so guilty after, so why not just go out, for a walk, walk it off, or shout in a pillow in the bedroom, punch it even, just so that you don't hurt anyone else, then your guilt won't be so bad, and certainly, DONT self harm....(god, I'm sounding like a bloody therapist,) which I'm not......lol That must make everything worse for you..
It does get better, it's just trial and error I'm afraid, until you find one that suits you....and even then you'll probably have to keep tweaking it,  hang on in there, your NOT alone, reading up on here, and posting can be really helpful.
And anyways, it don't matter if you do put a bit weight on, your quality of life is more important at the moment, you can always lose the weight after you start to feel better..
Good luck babe, keep us posted....

Jd xx 

[sheila99]

I had many symptoms of peri which was undiagnosed for 2 years. I was short tempered too, my daughter bore the brunt of it for which I feel so guilty. I am more or less back to normal now but it did take months rather than weeks, can't remember exactly but between 3 & 6 months. The temper improved gradually, I went from being on edge all the time to being more relaxed. Hang in there, it will take time to work.  If you dificulty controlling your actions whould an anger management course help?
 HRT made no difference to weight gain, I was already putting on a bit but I think that's age related rather than HRT. For some people HRT will improve libido. It didn't for me so I have testosterone too. Libido still isn't what it used to be but it is at least there sometimes.

[Mandy Is Nuts]

Thank you ladies. I really appreciate all the comments, advice & encouragment. It all means a lot 

[CLKD]

You are in Good Company!   

How is your diet over-all?  in the 1990s I was advised to eat regularly, that is every 3 hours.  24/7.  Little and often as low blood sugar can cause anxiety and hormonal upheaval certainly contributes to rages.  The lady who set up NAPS represented young women in Court - one had killed her mother whilst during her pre-mentstrual days.   

I still try to follow this regime and have never put on weight.  I have emergency foods in all the vehicles, in all the rooms : dried fruits and nuts, bananas, richT biscuits.  I have to remember to eat B4 my body is hungry to stop that awful lurch! 

Maybe have a buzz word that can B thrown back as she leaves the room, one that has humour to it.  ;-).  So that you know when you are OTT.  My rages were instant, things I could deal with would suddenly become an issue  .    A large pillow to thrash can be useful too ;-)

[Mandy Is Nuts]

CLKD: I have to say, my diet is.....atrocious! I live on individual sized pizzas. I eat crisps & I am quite partial to chocolate  Though, in absolute truth, I actually eat very little. My 12 year old & 18 year old step daughters eat more than me in one sitting.
I don't seem to get hungry. I go from 0-starving in seconds. Then, if I don't eat immediately, woe betide anyone who upsets me  I am as fussy as heck too, which really doesn't help my cause. Also a bit miffed because I am take Levothyroxine for under active thyroid & the med's for OCD.....cause weight gain. # feeling doomed 
I can totally see how a woman can kill when she's hormonal. If it isn't extenuating circumstances, it sure as hell should be!

[CLKD]

There's your answer maybe?  for the next 3 days jot down everything you eat day and night, every time you go to the fridge/cupboard.  No cheating.  Also what you drink.  Then pick from those things what you really really like and make a menu for the week.

Picking fruits and veg. will help.  Is there anything you really hate or are you like me, not interested in food?  I am a recovering anorexic [from aged 3] so have a difficult relationship to food.  Which is why I have to eat prior to my body requiring nourishment.  It's fuel after all!

I LOVE pizza and chocolate with hazel nuts ......... preferring PizzaHut where we can watch it being cooked.  If I eat too much of the latter I feel ill.  I didn't recognise hunger for many years 

Stop feeling doomed!  We can change by doing 1 thing a day ;-).  So what will you add tomorrow ?

[Mandy Is Nuts]

I like the idea of jotting down what I eat.
I don't eat veggies, nuts & I'm not a fan of fruit either. I do like grapes & I will eat the very occasional apple. Like you, I have also trodden the anorexic road. But from the age of 3? Jesus, that's young! I didn't admit it to it until years after I had recovered. To this day, I only eat to survive.

[CLKD]

That was me, eating enough to remain upright  but since having drugs that take the nausea away, I am much improved: until anxiety floors me  but sometimes, I can even feel hungry 

Why no veg.?  I LOVE mine LOL ......... I find apples to much work, same with peeling an orange.  Can't eat grapefruit 'cos I'm on statins  .  Lots of mixed dried fruits, bananas, occasionally have fads on grapes especially with a good cheese.  Radishes I ADORE ...... but lettuce doesn't get a look in  . 

Go on, do tell - what goes on your plate 3 times a day