Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[groundhog]

Hi ladies,
I went to the GP on Friday as my depression seems to be getting worse.  Now for ladies who don't know my background, it's been a three year nightmare. A hysterectomy in 2015 resulted in a perforated bowel which has left me with a fistula which is a horrible demon.  I wear two stoma bags, never feel well, can't have sex and my marriage is floundering.
I have no regular GP any more so this chap was a bit lost as there is s much going on.  He did say if depression is caused by physical illness then medication is not the answer.  I have to disassociate myself from the physical problem and try and find my ‘Happy' by other means.  He said if I am trying to control the fistula in order t be happy, I am setting myself up to fail.  He gave examples of people with very difficult lives who want a pill to cure it and it doesn't work.  Well I did know that but I just wanted s9methung to help me cope better .  Life has thrown a curve ball and i do struggle at times as I th8nk anyone would. Add into the mix the fact that during my hysterecomy I had my ovaries out so how much of that is contributing to my sadness?  He said he wasn't adding any more spice to the pot and he would not even consider HRT.
So where do I start to disentangle all this mess?  Has anyone had a similar big knock on life yet managed to still be happy ? Bear in mind my nightmare isn't over, the fistula is there and surgery to repair nearly killed me.  A year ago to now I was in intensive care.
The GP left me feeling a little more broken than before.....

[CLKD]

So try to look at the positives of his conversation with you.  He is stating what is obvious to him.  He is explaining that there are people 'worse off'.  However.  If we took every worse off situation to the nth degree ........ i.e. the situation in Syria where there is constant bombing, no pain relief, no hospitals, water or electricity ........ but that isn't relevant to us in the 1st World.  So we can put that to one side in relation to your on-going situation.

If we took more local situations to the nth degree what would that achieve exactly, I wonder what his thought pattern was?  We are all aware of most people having difficulties to some degree! but their problems are not ours unless we are well enough to step in to help.  One has to be healthy in order to help others.

So taking your situation which is on-going ........ it is what it is.  You have support from the Consultant who did the surgery.  Pity you don't live closer to the Hospital so that you could pop in when you feel low or un-certain. 

So breaking down the problems:

Are your two stoma bags behaving?  In general, do they do what they are designed to do?

He is talking rubbish.  He knows nowt about depression other than giving a name to a possible condition.

There are at least 2 types of depression.  What he is talking about is clinical/situational depression.  Where a person is in a dilemma which cannot be altered at that moment in time.  So they get depressed and can't see a way to alter things.  The other is organic, where the brain doesn't get enough support usually from dopamine and serotonin.  These can be treated with anti-depressant medication.  Clinical depression may be helped by cognitive behaviour therapy, which didn't work for me as I had been ill since the age of 3 in various degrees.  But talking therapy did help: discuss, decide, ditch  . 

I have both.  The latter is the biggest problem for me and is on the whole, controlled with regular medication.  When situations happen out of my control the depression is worse. Plus anxiety kicks in big time  .  Then I up my daily medication by 5mg or if necessary 10mg for a week.  My GP is aware that I self medicate in order to remain well.

What would you like to 'cure' ? 

[bramble]

Have you thought about hypnotherapy? Or a Life Coach? Perhaps through that you would learn to accept because I think acceptance is the key to being content. And contentment is a much easier place to be than happy, which is more fleeting I think.

Bramble

[Daisydot]

Hi groundhog so sorry for you.im no expert but I'd say horrible as it is for you having to cope with this,take the bowel and the fistula out of the story and for the moment focus on the hysterectomy.If it was any other lady you would without a doubt be put on hrt because after the hysterectomy your hormones are all over the place anyway and now according to Nice guidlines the first line treatment for depression would be hrt.I would go back to gp and ask to be referred to a meno clinic and failing that I would go to a private consultant.i know it's so hard when your feeling like that to have much get up and go,it's like they slap you across the chops with a wet fish isn't it but find that inner strength to question the validity of what their telling you,one battle at a time and they're not always right you have the right to question his line of thought too.good luck sincerely and I'm sorry I couldn't help more xx

[Snoooze]

You say you can't have sex but can you lay together in bed and just kiss and stroke one another? Or, can you do something for your husband in that regard? I know sex is not the be all and end all for some couples but I always feel better when my husband and I connect that way. We argue often and peri has caused problems with moods and me losing my sex drive but just to have him kiss and cuddle me and tells me he loves me makes everything better (if only for a little while).

I think fighting the depression helps. It's easy to think 'I don't want to do anything today' or 'I don't want to leave the house today' but often, being forced out of the house or forced to go somewhere helps.  It's probably not even depression, it's just unhappiness at your life and the siutation your health has put you in. I'm sure you can find your happy again. Live in the present and not in the past. No 'what if's' or 'if onlys'.

[CLKD]

It's the physicality that gets me down.  Like today.  Been to the loo, twice, after 3/4 days of slow transit.  So my body feels strange.  As Himself pointed out, this *always* happens after several day of not going.  That doesn't stop the queasy-ness and the feeling of 'oh not again' ........ so I've had some toast with Bovril ............. hoping that the queasiness will go.

In between in more recent years I have eaten 'better'.  That doesn't stop the physicality when my body rebels 

[groundhog]

Hi ladies, thanks for your replies.
CLKD - yes I still have my consultant for support but I don't see him that often. The two stoma bags do on the whole behave and I cope ok with them BUT it's the physicality as you say that affects me.  The pain, the exhaustion and my mind constantly comparing with how I used to be .  GP did mention CBT and hasn't ruled our anti depressants but he felt at the end of the day it's down to me.

Bramble - hello.  Acceptance yes that is the answer here.  They describe loss of health as a sort of grief and you have to go through the different stages.  I'm still at the denial stage I suppose as I keep expecting to get better.  I've tried some forms of counselling but not hypnotherapy so I will look into that - thank you x

Daisydot - hello.  The doctors argument is that as  had my last period about 4 years before the hysterecomy I shouldn't need HRT.  I can't say I have ever had flushes and when I'm well physically my mood lifts so my low mood seems to be driven by what's happened.  It has been traumatic though and of course the attempt to fix failed so I suppose the thought that this is it is very worrying .  But I do wonder how I'd be treated by the doctors if they didn't see me as the ‘fistula ‘ patient.  I am seeing a new expert in a couple of weeks so il try and mention the hysterecomy although no one is interested in that now! Thank you for your reply x

Snooze - hello.  Funnily enough we both say the nicest part of the day is going to bed and snuggling up.  We slept apart for years owing to his snoring but he lost 3 stone and stopped snoring so we now share a bed again and we do cosy up.  He reads his kindle and I put my meditation on and we do feel close.  I suooose the ‘i can't have sex ‘ tantrum is part of the anger I feel that this has happened and I'm expected to just live with it.  Even before the hysterecomy we didn't have sex often owing t my severe endometriosis but it's different now as I physically cannot but yes there are other ways .  Problem is our marriage has been pushed to the brink and we bicker a lot !
I do try to live in the present but I still bitterly regret ever having the surgery and I have to accept my new normal to enable me to move on.  If the fistula was stable it would help but it's a nightmare as some weeks I'm good then it all comes crashing down, cannot plan anything.  Plus I worry about all the damage is be8ng created inside,  fistulae burrow and I have terrible bladder pain.  But doctors won't reassure me as they don't know !

Thank you all so much for your replies,  given me something to think about xx

[CLKD]

Also - compared with 12 months' ago and you haven't got any worse?  Once you recovered from that awful scare ..........no one has completely good health all the while - I'm struggling with food today. 

Which is why on my better days I take time to smell the roses.  Do you journal?  Comparing last week with today might help.  It took me a while to accept that with Anti-depressant medication Himself and I have a Life again.  I didn't want to rely on medication but if I were a diabetic  .

Half a day at a time?

[Annie0710]

Hi Groundhog, I do really feel for you.  I often read your posts and never know what to say.  Do you have a hobby ? Or could you start one that interests you ? I love to do acrylic nails and hubby bought me a practice hand so I can spend time alone playing and doing something I enjoy.  It is really difficult when through no fault of your own you're set a new challenging lifestyle.

Does your hubby talk of missing Sex? I do also understand what you're saying about your relationship, you've been together so long and because of these medical issues you're both frustrated and bicker, not the best times to offer some ‘relief' for him ! Can you have alcohol ? Maybe if you both had some alone time and a few drinks you could get cosy together and one thing might lead to another? (I don't mean penetrative Sex)

I do hope you find your happy.  It really isn't a lot to ask for xxx

[groundhog]

No I'm no worse CLKD but I suppose we all expect to get better especially when they say there is no disease keeping this going.  I do absolutely make the best of the good bits,  I get days when I'm good and I try and go out or do something nice.  But then when I'm poorly again, I miss the old me so much.  But I know what you mean,  I do push myself.  Plus of course with this type of bowel injury, I am actually very lucky as many people with a fistula cannot eat or even drink and get all their nourishment from being fed by a vein in their neck.  It's not good , Ive had it post op and yes it keeps you alive but causes problems long term plus can you 8magine never having a cup of tea or piece of cake    It's really hard .
Hello Annie,  thank you for thinking of me .  I'm not great with hobbies as my life has always been very full and busy.  I don't find I get bored to be honest and I still have my grandaughter two afternoons a week ( with my husband ) plus I have nephews aged 8 who Are very importsnf to me.  I enjoy cleaning believe it or not !  I'm a bit of a neat freak x
I do have alcohol , my one glass of prosecco is a daily treat.  I just feel dead if you know what I mean but we haven't given up on each other.  We are learning to adapt but it's hard.  My husband misses the intimacy and holidays abroad, how he loved to travel but where there is life there is hope and I do hope one day things will get better and il be content again.

[Snoooze]

I don't think you're depressed, I think you're unhappy.

My husband and I rarely get time to ourselves but on the rare occasions we go away together it really does help us to reconnect probably because we are away from stresses and more relaxed. Why don't you holiday in UK? You don't have to go abroad. Even a few nights away in a guest house/hotel or holiday cottage in UK would still be something different from the norm.

I'm sure the people who rely on you would not begrudge you and your husband a break from the daily grind?

[groundhog]

Yes snooze I know you are right.  It's me it is, my confidence is zero and I'm just happier in my comfort zone.  I just hate being away from home.  It used to be because I was afraid of Becoming unwell away  from home but to be honest where I live, the NHS is really struggling m I don't have a regular gp anymore as they are all locums so chances are If I did go away the care would be ok.  Plus there are my stoma bags .........all excuses of course.  I admit I'd be happy if I never left the house again but that's not fair as I am able to travel and should make the effort.  We were looking at Orient Express last night - eye wateringly expensive!  So we are looking at closer to home.  If on,y I could get a bit more stable - it's like having a permanent abscess at the top of my vagina! That's the best way to describe it, I'm in pain and rely on painkillers, I'd hate to go away and be a misery. plus of course If I mentioned holiday now he'd be like an excited puppy xxx
Thanks for your good suggestion x

[Woodlands]

Hello Groundhog.
I too have followed your posts, I don't have any or all the answers but as a retired nurse...may I suggest you ask to see a stoma nurse, my reason being they may be the one to discuss your thoughts and feelings about the transition through surgery. In respect of hubbie the closeness, touch etc is some way towards intimacy if not the well you know what I mean. Holidays, go honey, a night in a nice UK hotel to start then gives you things to look forward too.
If you know me and my posts, I had a traumatic event three years ago with my eldest son dying.....it changed me and my heart and soul but it isn't all of me. I guess   I'm trying to say gently move forward as I know you can....use mindfullness for relief from worries and try only to live in the present day...it's the only one we can influence be it a minute, hour or more of that day ....bit make it count with some nice things in there too....one day at a time.
Big hugs
Woodlands xx

[Woodlands]

Hi me again.
If you have below waist pain ...consider a TENS machine.....around 20.00 from a pharmacy.....will work on impulses interrupting the pain receptors in you spine....just stick on pads.....may help for a walk, drive or just to avoid more tablet pain relief .....
Woodlands xx

[groundhog]

Hi Woodlands,
Yes I follow your story and did think about you before posting this.  I know people go through for worse than what has happened to me which is why sometimes I wonder why I cope so badly with this.  I have had quite a lot of trauma in my life yet I've always coped until this happened and then I fell apart x

I will look into a tens machine as I hate depending on pain relief.  I don't have a bad back as such just general pain around the area of the fistula ( rectum, bladder,  vagina) but I'm willing to try anything.

Thank you xx