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[Noheroicsplease]

Husband and I have always enjoyed a good/great sex life. But I really feel like my libido has flattened to an all time low. It's become a bit of an issue. I've started to not even be able to talk myself into the initial stages (whereafter it's good).

I just feel so closed down. I have no idea how to kickstart it. I've tried Maca, Ashwagandha, I'm on HRT.

Just wondering how others cope in a relationship - I genuinely believe I need sex in my relationship to maintain an important connection.

[Dancinggirl]

Whilst HRT can help - some add in testiim to the mix that can help but you rarely get this on the nhs- I personally think it is a range of things that effect our libido.
Feeling desirable is very important for me. My husband is great at making me feel desirable but I also need to feel well, I take care with my appearance and try to look my best.
Relaxation and exercise (I do lots of brisk walking') make me feel good and get my brain into a positive state. A lovely romantic film or book can get me ‘in the moid' - some find a bit of soft porn can help!!!
If you are stressed, tired and feel unattractive, then no amount of hormones or pills will make a difference.
Sometimes one simply has to put in the effort to have sex, regardless of how you feel, and this will often turn out better than if you hadn't bothered - like all good things in life, you have to put in the effort to get the gain. DG x

[Tiddles]

I agree with Dancinggirl - if poss try it even if you dont really feel like it because you may end up enjoying it. This is my approach at the moment while I wait for my sex drive to return. Afterwards I find myself thinking "That was nice, we should do that more often " which in itself makes me feel less sad about the loss of drive.  Hope things improve for you x

[Annie0710]

I Agree with the others.  My libido really is hit and miss, even with testosterone.  I go from can't stop thinking about to not want to even mention it!

It really is a balance of so many things, comfy in your own skin, no stresses, etc

I get more upset than hubby so during these phases we go more for morning sex, quick but intimate.  If I want a more involved session I tell him I need a bit more work doing on me, like caressing , or soft porn.  During these phases I can't just switch on, I need a tentative build up x

[CLKD]

Lay back and enjoy it.  Seriously.  I found that the more I backed away the more he wanted it which increased my guilt - give me a cuppa or a deep bubble bath ........ but it was easier to lay back and actually, my feelings began to return.  Which became a good circle in that he would make the approach, give me time to relax and my body would join in.

I make sure that I'm not too tired, if necessary I have a sleep in the evening so that I'm up for it.  This too will pass although I thought it never would  .  My libedo packed it's bags 17 months after we were married so it's been on-going for us, it certainly is hormonal as in the days prior to a bleed, I would be in a totally different mind set 

[Taz2]

Noheroics - I've pm'd you.

Taz x 

[Js]

My sex drive has driven off I'm 59 and have been on hrt for 10 years. But off it for a break but this hasn't made any difference I just don't feel like it also apart from the fact it is quite painful but I don't think hubby understands so lie back and think of England to keep him happy is an option but then I don't enjoy it because of the pain inside .so I can understand about feeling guilty  although we shouldn't be
Js

[racjen]

I'm sorry - lie back and think of England to keep him happy? Have we just gone back two centuries without me noticing it? That is the last thing I'd consider doing, how can that constitute a healthy relationship? Personally having had the very brief experience of testosterone working initially and my sex drive going from zero to nymphomaniac overnight i'd say you need to explore that option further, because I'm now convinced of the very physical effects of low testosterone on our libido. However, I should clarify here that I'm in the relatively simple position of not having a partner, so I don't have to navigate all the emotional stuff that goes with that - basically if I want an orgasm I just give myself one, and it's been really good to remember that I do have that desire independently of anyother individual. I think it's also worth mentioning here that testosterone levels aren't that simple (they wouldn't be would they?). There's also something called a testosterone binding globulin, which if you have too much of will tie up all your available testosterone and stop it working. You need to be tested for free testosterone and levels of binding globulin to give an accurate picture of what's going on. Don't give up, it's complicated but it's important for our well-being too xxx

[Hurdity]

Yes racjen - re the other compound - very important point! It's known as Sex Hormone Binding Globulin (SHBG) and as you say binds free testosterone ( it also binds oestrogen I gather?). Oral HRT increases SHBG so will depress libido further. If you have low libido or low T then transdermal HRT is better. ADs also depress libido as well (not sure if this is true for all of them?). Yes the effect of testosterone is totally physical and really does do the trick! it is the missing link for many women.  I'm not sure how different progestogens affect free T and SHBG - if indeed they have an effect at all?

Hurdity x

[CLKD]

That is the last thing I'd consider doing, how can that constitute a healthy relationship?
.  Certainly denying a partner is not healthy.

If you love your partner you should accommodate him.  This isn't about 'you' as such, regardless of how you don't want sex any more.  If you have a partner that you care about and who needs more than cuddles, then what else is there to do?  It worked for me.  It also got rid of the guilt and with gentle persuasion, my sex drive joined in  - surprisingly 

I worked for a sexual psychologist  ..........

Certainly my hormones played a huge part in how responsieve/not I was ........ at certain times of the month I was    .  Other times I preferred a cup of tea and good book  but my husband has needs. 

[Js]

I did try moisturiser thinking it was me getting old and dryingup    It didn't really help it feels like a lump that stops my other half from going higher sorry for being so blunt I have been to the doctors and had internal and that was escrutiating  as well but the nurse didn't seem to offer any advice . So just another reason why I don't feel like having sex because it blinking hurts. And my other half doesn't want to hurt me . A vicious circle really I am on hrt patches and dont feel any different when I'm on patches or not as I did have a break from using them .i don't think I have ever been a sexual person I don't feel that I am but I do feel guilty because my husband does want to have sex .so it is complicated but thanks for other ladies comments
Js

[Optimist]

Js have you tried vagifem? That helps a lot of women with pain, dryness etc. You use a 2 week loading dose then 2 times weekky(or more if required). You can use it alongside other hrt.
Maybe give that a try (ask gp) and then if it helps you may find as it's not painful, sex could be enjoyable again for you both.
To be honest I can't be bothered with it a lot of the time and that's menopause for you but a nice massage helps and I do enjoy it then.
Maybe give hubby cuddles until you feel better and that may reassure him.
Xx

[Tinkerbell]

Js.....get some Vagifem prescribed,it will make you feel far more comfortable, I use both systematic HRT and vagifem.

[GypsyRoseLee]

My libido has stayed pretty similar throughout peri. I still get several days a month when I'm definitely more up for it, than other days. I used to be like this when ovulating prior to having my cycle suppressed with 4 pumps. But now I'm assuming I no longer ovulate so not sure why I'm more keen some times than other?

But I can guarantee that when I'm really up for it always corresponds with my mood and sense of well being being at it's best.

I use a blob of testim per day, and I don't think it had increased my overall libido (most of the month I'm not that  interested) but I do think that once we get going, my response is stronger and I orgasm easier.

[CLKD]

Worked for me this morning