Hello puddlesmum
I am so sorry you're suffering like this and I can totally understand what you are going through because I was exactly the same. Lots of lovely posters on here will remember my hundreds of panicky posts about how dreadful I felt, and how I would suddenly feel scared of everything and anything.
Just like you I would quickly sink into a deep depression laced with awful anxiety. Like you I felt terrified to be on my own and I was reluctant to ever leave the house. I was constantly filled with a horrible jittery restlessness that was pure mental torture.
If you search my name you will see so many of my posts describing what I went through which you will be able to identify with.
I had a long history of suffering from hormonal low moods i.e. PMS and PND (which mainly manifested as crippling panic).
In desperation I tried various conventional HRT, I also tried the pill but I couldn't tolerate the synthetic progesterone in them. It made me feel almost suicidal. I ended up signed off work for nearly 3 months and every morning I woke up filled with dread. It was unspeakable.
Finally I washed up at Prof Studd's rooms and he prescribed 3 pumps + 100mg of Utrogestan on Day 1-7 of each month + a dab of testim gel per day.
Now I admit it didn't really work for me, and in desperation I had a 2nd appointment and he upped me to 4 pumps. At the same time I started a low dose of sertraline at my GP's suggestion just to tide me over until the increase in HRT kicked in.
Within 12 hours of being on the higher dose I felt a shift in mood. Very gradually and quite erratically I started to get better. I stopped waking at 4am filled with dread. I started to get several days in a row where I felt normal. I religiously stuck to the new 4 pumps regime. It was a case of 3 steps forward then 2 steps back. But I was getting more and more normal days. Within 6 weeks I was able to return to work.
Every few weeks I would suddenly slip right back again and the jitteriness and bleak anxiety would flood back. It was frightening but it always passed after 7-10 days and I think it was my own natural cycle pushing through the HRT.
My natural periods had become very light in recent years (from when I turned 43) and even on 4 pumps they have stayed very light and only lasting 3 days.
A year later and I would say I am 95% back to normal with just the occasional 'dip' which occurs usually around the 25th which is just before my 'old, natural period' used to start. But it doesn't happen every month and at least now I know it will pass.
From what you say you start suffering as soon as you've finished ovulating and your symptoms intensify until just before your period starts. This is because your oestrogen (your 'happy and contented' hormone) is dropping like a stone and your progesterone (which you can no longer tolerate) is rising.
This is exactly how I used to be pre-43, when my cycle was stronger and I was still getting a normal bleed. I would feel almost euphoric as I ovulated but then feel horribly flat during my luteal phase and it wouldn't lift until my period actually finished (and my oestrogen would start to rise).
Eventually, the horrible flatness didn't lift after my period finished. It stayed all month long just getting worse then the horrific fear + anxiety kicked in.
I just want to hold your hand and assure you that you WILL get better. You will get through this, I promise. I suspect that one pump isn't sufficient to counter act the surge in progesterone after you have ovulated? And maybe even the 3 pumps you tried didn't help because it wasn't enough to suppress your natural cycle, so you were still at the mercy of your own hormones surging and falling on almost an hourly basis.
Possibly 4 pumps might do the job for you, like it did for me? I think it took a few months to fully kick in but I do think it suppressed my cycle 90% so stopped the dreadful lows.
It doesn't really matter when you take the Utrogestan so long as you take it at the same time every month. I have been assured by Prof Studd that 100mg for just 7 days per month is perfectly sufficient to stop your womb lining from building up. When I mentioned that my withdrawal bleeds each month were very light despite using 4 pumps, he assured me that was because the Utrogestan was doing its job and stopping my lining from thickening much at all. He also assured me that regular uterine scans were unnecessary so long as my pattern of light withdrawal bleeds stayed consistent. Any sudden very heavy bleeds or pain (I get zero pain nowadays) would need checking out obviously.
So, sorry for waffling on but I hope what I have written might give you hope. Please feel free to ask any questions because I 100% understand what you are going through.
