I apologise for the length of this post. When I was a young girl I had a tricky personality. I struggled to make and maintain friendships and my family situation didn't help it much. My father was severely bi-polar and my mother had to jump through hoops to keep the family together. My brothers (who eventually went on to become doctors) were more able to cope with the family situation which was quite abusive at times, but I wasn't, so I had the dual problem of no friends and an abusive home life.
As an adult, I was able to view things a bit differently. The hatred I had for my mother turned into admiration for her amazing ability to cope with the crap hand she was dealt. My father was mentally ill and therefore not entirely responsible for his behaviour. He also had a brother who was retarded and a mother with a serious genetic illness, so dad's road wasn't easy either.
Anyway, I wasn't going to allow my life to be a cycle of misery. Mum and I are very close now and we all made our peace with dad who passed away last year. My own marriage is great and I was so proud when my son was confident enough in me to tell me he was gay. He is 23 now and he came out to me at 20. I consider him my closest friend.
As I got older and gained more and more insight, I became highly valued as a Nanny and childcare worker because all of my life experience was put to good use in other families. I made many friends with the parents of the children I cared for and was invited to many functions and events. When I think back to my own childhood and school days when I spent so much of my time alone and wishing I could have just one person to confide in, it makes me really sad.
I am 51 years old now. I have learned that even some of the worst people are not that way because they are bad. My father simply didn't know how to deal with full time work, crippling migraines and bi-polar disorder in a time when medications weren't that good. My mother lived in an era where you keep up appearances and don't tell anyone that there are problems in the home/marriage. When my father had a geriatric episode of bi-polar 10 years ago and had to be made an involuntary patient, my mother opened up to her friends and found nothing but love and support. This changed her whole way of dealing with issues and she was less lonely as a result. My mother had so many friends and yet she was lonely because she wasn't really sharing her problems. When my father passed away last year, you could not fit everyone in the church. My father had no friends due to his early behaviour and yet so many people turned up to support mum and the family.
I have experienced crippling loneliness in my life and I recognise it in people around me. It doesn't take much to ask how people are or offer to help people in small ways. Life is truly about the ripple effect.
