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[VanessaM]

Hello ladies

Its so great to find a place where I can speak and know that someone understands.  I am 50 and although I am still having periods (sort of) I have been told that menopause is very near, my FSH is very high.  Over the last 18 months I have had some pretty major spells of depression. A simple complaint seems to set me off on a path of imagining the worse outcome.  In November last year, my friend recommended a private menopause specialist. At great expense I had full bloods (all fine) but my estrogen was around 1700 (??) whilst progesterone was less than 1.  100mg bioidentical progesterone prescribed.  I did not start to take this straight way, instead I decided to try some herbal supps combined with a gluten free diet.  For about a month I felt really fantastic, working out hard and losing weight.  Then suddenly I crashed in mid Jan - headaches everyday, nausea, stop-start periods, feeling like the world was about to end.  After as week of pure hell, not sleeping, imagining I was dying, I started the progesterone.  I should say that in a month I lost about a stone in weight, not even wanting to eat.  Although I am eating now, I am still getting the headaches, dizziness and sometimes my legs get crampy and my head goes all tingly too.

Now comes the hard bit.  My husband is a wonderful man, but he is a recovering alcoholic.  He tries to understand, but he cannot cope with me being "not normal".  I have visited so many doctors to try to find out if this is hormones or something worse.  A few weeks ago my husband disappeared after work and had fallen off the wagon big time.  Of course I blamed myself for putting him under so much pressure but then I reminded myself that I did not put the bottle in his hand.  When I said that I had booked a private MRI brain scan, he was actually cross. (I requested the scan - not a single doctor actually believes I need one) I am now awaiting the results (hopefully tomorrow) but I find myself trying to keep myself together for him.  Sometimes I cant and then we argue.  We love each other very much, but its just so hard.

I really want to be normal again. I feel like I have given the last 5 years of my life to supporting my husband through his problems, and now I need him he can't cope. Often I cant cope either.  Our worst fear is that we both have a bad day.

I am just praying for the all clear from my scan so I can move on and get some better HRT - I don't think what I have is working very well.

Thank you for listening to me rant.

Vanessa

[Woodlands]

Gosh......
Sending hugs.
Please honey be less hard on yourself.......the change is a rocky journey with many twists and turns ..........do only what you must, delegate other stuff and dump to another time the things you can.
For your relationship......I'm no expert but a team it cpuld help so two way support from hubbie to you too.....or else is he your dependant.......hes an adult that can help where needed I should think too.
Go steady
Woodlsnds xx

[warwick01]

Hi Venessa,

I agree with Woodlands don't be hard on yourself.

I appreciate how difficult your husbands problems are however, you need to sit down and tell him how difficult the menopause can be for some ladies. Show him the  thread  'mans shed' on this site. It's a stressful time for some of us. With me anxiety became so bad I didn't want to leave the house which impacted on my relationship, also had to give up my job.......

It's a time in your life when you need his support, not to have added stress about falling of the waggon. Think of yourself hun, get what ever help you need including trying a low dose HRT.

Hope all goes well with scan results Wxx

[ancient runner]

Just progesterone sounds a bit unusual. Could you tell us a bit more about your meno specialist? It might well be that you do need some oestrogen to help with what sounds like horrible but typical anxiety. Poor you.
As for your husband - your problems might have sent him back to the bottle - but that doesn't make it your fault. He's the one with the corkscrew, not you.

[babyjane]

My therapist talked much about choice.  Alcohol is your husband's crutch when he cannot cope (I also have a husband who had alcohol problems when he was young). However it was his choice to take the first drink whatever it was he was not coping with.  His choices and reactions are not your responsibility but it is easy to feel it is when you are feeling down and upset.

[Ju Ju]

Hi Vanessa,

Just remind yourself you do not have magical powers, when you start feeling guilty or responsible for others choices!

You cannot make anyone do anything, unless you hold a gun to their head and even then you can't control their thoughts.

Your husband is responsible for his own choices. He would benefit from support elsewhere, as depending completely on one person is unfair and unhealthy as you are finding. You cannot be your husband's only strength. He has to find that strength within himself.

Being A support is good; being THE support is not. Would he be prepared to seek professional help in order to find that strength?

You too need support. It sounds as if your hormones levels are going up and down, which is why what worked for a while doesn't later on. You describe symptoms shared by many forum members, including health anxiety. I'm not a medical expect at all, though others on this forum are far more knowledgable and hopefully will pop in and advise.

Meanwhile rant away! You can do it anonymously here, yet will be heard. A lot of lovely caring ladies here!

[MicheleMaBelle]

Hi Vanessa- it's so hard isn't it and you've got other issues with your husband that you need to deal with. Firstly, the symptoms you are experiencing are " normal" . We feel so wretched that we begin to think there are more serious problems underfoot. You need to look after yourself first and foremost and then help your husband with his oxygen mask. He needs to seek help ( and ask him to read the stuff on this site for men ) but only he can do that.
More importantly- You! I've just paid for a consultation privately after struggling with my GP for 3 years.I got the doctors name from this site so no silly money changed hands. I will keep going with him until we hopefully get the HRT regime right. It may take time.so, as far as your own situation is concerned, you could try your GP or local menopause clinic- it depends how quickly you want to be seen. Dr Currie from this site can also answer questions privately fir a £25 donation to the site. May be worth considering as a first line if you need to wait for a referral.
You are going through a horrible time. You might benefit from CBT which can also be private or NHS ( delays ). Are you working? Does your employer offer any support or assistance with rehabilitation ?
Please be kind to yourself and stop blaming yourself for everything. You are unwell but you have the strength and determination to get better. Your husband needs to seek his own help and hopefully you will both be in a better position to help and support one another. Big hugs and kisses. Moan away and let us know how you get on xxx

[CLKD]

Your husband probably knows that he makes the choice to drink as well as feeling that he should be stronger but it maybe a shock to see you 'ill' when you have been the one to pick up each time.  Both of you can access AA - there is help for drinkers and their families.  Do look up your local Group and ask advice, sooner rather than later; it gives you breathing space for the next crisis.  MIND have walk-in centres, when I had a crisis 18 months ago I sent an e-mail to find out the opening hours and had a really supportive reply.  Worth a try so that should you both 'go down' at the same time, there is somewhere to go?  Also Samaritans are there, 24/7.


Herbals can help for a while but when the hormones go haywire, any benefits can be lost.  Have a read of the 'alternative room' threads on here.  Are you aware that some ladies are quite ill with progesterone?

You seem to be taking care of your health as required, once reports are returned 'within normal limits' you can put each worry to bed ;-).  Do browse round. Make notes.  Some ladies find that keeping a mood/food/symptom diary useful.  Maybe your husband could keep similar? 

Do ask what he fears the most?  People often take to drink/drugs or become angry when frightened.  I kick off quote spectacularly when
scared! 


As an emitophobe when my husband is ill I go to pieces  ........ fortunately I never took to drink or drugs but there were times that I thought it would stop anxiety.  As I grew older I realised that alcohol would have brought other problems for us both. 

U R no longer alone 

[VanessaM]

Thank you all so much for all your amazing support.  I will certainly recommend husband to check out links on this site.  He has had rehab several times and generally he is ok, but it is a constant worry. Today for example I was more worried about him coping with a stressful day than awaiting my results!  (All fine by the way - nothing sinister is going on at all)

My plan has always been to get myself right then I can be there for him, its just gone a bit haywire with  something obviously going awry with the old hormones.  Its easier for us women in many ways as we talk, whereas men seem to keep everything to themselves.  I can only make suggestions to him about seeking support; he must make the decision himself.  My poor son (just 15) discovered his mum was falling apart on the same day as he found out about his dad!  At least I have made sure he has a network of people to call on if he needs too.  So far he seems to be taking things in his stride, but it is another worry of course.

My HRT is an odd thing.  When I originally went to see the specialist (Harley St, listed on this site) I was just feeling generally low.  Progesterone was prescribed, along with DHEA, to try and bridge the gap with my estrogen which was really high.  Because I then got scared, I did not start taking the progesterone until 3 months later. So it is very possible that in that 3 months something has changed and I now need something else as well.  I have not been taking the DHEA as the specialist said lay off until the headaches have cleared. My "symptoms" have not altered since taking the progesterone; in fact I cant feel any difference at all.  I am not due to see the specialist for another 6-8 weeks, but I may ask for an earlier appointment.  I think that as I have started with him, I will continue for a while. He has come very highly recommended.  It wasn't his fault I didn't take the pills!  Between now and then I need to sort out my headaches with perhaps a good chiropractor.  The physio I went to was useless!  I also need to save a bit of money as this has all cost me a fortune!  Headaches do seem to be easing a bit now thank fully!

Listening to you all I no longer feel alone, and also feel quite sure that the ever expanding bag of pills, potions and balms is not unique to me!  Health shops must make a fortune out of us ladies!

Wishing you all lots of love, and many many thanks.
Vanessa

[CLKD]

Could you ring the Clinic for advice prior to your appt., something might be suggested to try in the mean-time to update your Consultant at the planned appt.?

Also, one approach with your husband might be "I don't need to know particularly, but how would you advise a friend/colleague in a similar situation?" - it might give him the impetus to make a move for himself ;-).  Sometimes they need a    Do print off the 'hints for men' from here too ! 

This may be the opportunity of giving him more slack so that you aren't enabling him.  It soon becomes a habit when 1 partner is poorly and the other is able to step in ....... Himself has been my ROCK and never seems to stumble when I have a blip >phew< so I feel guilty when I run a mile if he so much as coughs  .  Couples soon get into the habit of giving/taking which is OK until chronic illness happens or a crisis appears, then other props, i.e. alcohol, interrupt !  They may then find them selves walking on egg shells in order not to upset the status quo.

If your headaches are hormonally based, I doubt if chiropractic will be any use.  If you do have an appt. do NOT allow him/her to manipulate any part of your body.  Ideally an X-ray should be taken of the area that the practitioner feels might be the trouble spot, to avoid the chance of bad treatment = paralysis or worse.    Have you tried over-the-counter pain relief for the headaches, I find that by taking medication immediately they are stopped otherwise I get nauseous.  I am sure that ladies who have had hormonal headaches will be along, or you could use the 'search' button.

Let us know how you get on. 

[Hurdity]

Hi VanessaM

I don't think I've welcomed you already so .

I'm not qualified to give relationship advice but know a bit about HRT.

You mentioned you were still having periods "sort of" but not sure what you mean by this? Can you tell us a bit more about what your cycle has been doing over the past year - has it been getting longer, is it more variable in length, is the bleeding variable etc?

The thing is you cannot tell where a woman is in menopause from FSH levels because they can go into the post-menopausal range even when peri-menopausal. The fact that your oestrogen was very high suggests you were probably near ovulation at the time the bloods were taken - do you know when in your cycle this was? Sometimes though, oestrogen levels also go very high in anovulatory cycles (no ovulation). If bloods were taken in the first part of the cycle then progesterone would be expected to be low and it would not need supplementing so I am puzzled by this.

Was it utrogestan (capsules) you were prescribed and were you given it every day? If you were taking it orally then it's no wonder you might be feeling rough because some women do not get on with continuous progesterone. The only time we have this sort of amount in our bodies ( and more) for a long period of time is during pregnancy. However you said you were also feeling like this before you started the prog. Unfortunately peri-menopause is a time of great variability with surges and falls of hormones as the cycle gets more extreme and erratic. It is unusual to take just progesterone (well at least this is the orthodox view) unless there are anovulatory cycles and/or heavy bleeding.

It may well be that you don't need extra oestrogen just yet but it is the rapid drop at the end of the cycle which may be causing your symptoms. Sometimes the rapid rise and fall in both oestrogen and progesterone cause headaches.

A low dose HRT like Femoston 1/10 (tablet) might help or else the low dose contraceptive pill QLAIRA which is a bit like HRT - you might be a bit old for this though.

However as you are with a private specialist presumably s/he knows his/her stuff so hopefully you will be on the right track soon

Hurdity x

Edit: Pressed the wrong key before I'd finished!

[VanessaM]

Thanks Hurdity for this.

I think I have lost track of what a cycle is!  Last May I had a 21 at period, then it all settled again. Skipped 3 months at which point I went to see the specialist.  The prog I am taking is bio identical, 100mg per day.  He said to take every day.  About 2 weeks after the blood tests were taken for this prescription, I started a period again.  So I don't think the levels were a true reflection of where I am.  I don't understand how one blood test can determine these things anyway as the very nature of a cycle is that it changes through the cycle!  Since November it has been a bit stop start, 2 weeks spotting, stop for a bit - heavyish bleed for a day or 2..  in fact I have no real idea what will happen from one day to the next!  The progesterone is not what has caused the problems though, that I am sure of.  It may not be helping of course.  I almost feel as if I saw the specialist a bit too early and he has given me something to sign me up??  I most admit I do not have a great deal of confidence at this point!

I am not entirely certain my headache problems are hormone related at all.  There is no correlation with bleeding or not bleeding.  Years ago I was diagnosed with arthiritis of the neck - it has been quiet for a long time, but it may be that.  It can cause dizziness so I have heard.  Also odd leg pains, so there maybe a nerve issue.  Its all kinds of non specific stuff though; sometimes it feels sinusy as well! Other times like there is an elephant on my head.  I think the GP is my next step, but I need to brace myself for another visit!

[CLKD]

As oestrogen levels drop off so muscles may become lax = aches and pains  .  Maybe your GP could arrange an x-ray of your neck?  I have a nerve which gets trapped momentarily, enough to make me feel 'dizzy' and go 'oh!' by which time the feeling has passed  .

Your hormones are obviously still fluctuating!