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[coldethyl]

Oh Lynne - been there done that . I have my ethyl with a Thai bride enjoying my pension in a camper van. Some days I think maybe he could get two for price of one and fit junior up as well as he's not very forward on the woman front and I worry who'll do his washing etc.
It's only natural to wonder and worry about stuff but actually worrying won't change anything just make things less enjoyable in here and now. I had a psychologist 's session today and we talked about doing things that are helpful and sometimes our imagination isn't at all helpful as it runs away with us. Some day I can joke about my husband's life without me and that is ok but when I start to overthink it and have junior disinherited and a family of other children in my home, I know it's time for a bit of self compassion and a talking to. X

[CLKD]

Have you talked with Mr Ethyl?  When I ask what himself will do if anything happens to me, I get a variation of answers  .  He's no help in putting my mind at rest 

[coldethyl]

Have you talked with Mr Ethyl?  When I ask what himself will do if anything happens to me, I get a variation of answers  .  He's no help in putting my mind at rest 

He just says I'm going nowhere . Tbh why shouldn't he remarry ? I don't want him lonely and old. It's the practical stuff we need to sort out so our son gets this place and not any future wife and we've decided that cancer or no cancer, it's a good time to rejig our wills and arrange enduring power of attorneys.

[CLKD]

Which reminds me - still waiting to sign our updated Wills ....... must make another call to the Solicitors  .

[Lynne888]

Mine always says he's had enough with the one he's got so he's not after another woman! lol! On saying that, we already have a VW campervan and I wouldn't be happy if he bought himself a wife and took off with her in the van!!! 

I feel sad if something was to happen to me because hubby took early retirement last year at 56 and we moved to a bungalow by the sea (to be by our daughter and grandchildren).. we worked until last March so we have hardly had any time to enjoy it.  We've been doing the bungalow up and so haven't had weekends away as we planned yet.  We walk on the beach most days though and try and enjoy our environment. 

I'm more worried about the dog and cat.  If I could outlive them I could cope! 

[ariadne]

My mother in law had a right hemicolectomy after a diagnosis of bowel cancer a few years back in her late 80's.  She recovered well and has had no further problems.

We also have a friend in his 50's who had the same op in his late thirties and he has had no further problems either.

Human nature makes us fear the worst and has us turning over awful scenarios in our minds. Maybe we need to go all through that before we can put those thoughts away.

Ariadne xx

[Lynne888]

Ariadne.. I think it's a safety mechanism. We have to fear the worst and hope for the best otherwise, if we get bad news it shocks us even more and it's difficult to deal with.  It's great to hear about your mum in law and your friend. These stories really keep me feeling positive! x

[coldethyl]

Mine always says he's had enough with the one he's got so he's not after another woman! lol! On saying that, we already have a VW campervan and I wouldn't be happy if he bought himself a wife and took off with her in the van!!! 

I feel sad if something was to happen to me because hubby took early retirement last year at 56 and we moved to a bungalow by the sea (to be by our daughter and grandchildren).. we worked until last March so we have hardly had any time to enjoy it.  We've been doing the bungalow up and so haven't had weekends away as we planned yet.  We walk on the beach most days though and try and enjoy our environment. 

I'm more worried about the dog and cat.  If I could outlive them I could cope!

I'm glad we retired nearly 4 yrs ago from farming as we've had a few years of doing nice things. I'm 51 next month and am sad that I might not get to have the life after child rearing and working that I thought I'd have. my MIL died at 62 not long after retiring from cancer and I always felt sorry that she had got a bad hand - I may get less but I'm determined to try and enjoy life now whatever happens. A lady at a and e yesterday was telling me about her friend who was in rude health last Monday evening and dead a few hrs later so we none of us know what will happen.
I know it feels like if you worry you'll cope if it happens, but actaully that's a bit of wonky thinking if you read psychology stuff. It just makes you lose enjoyment of now and only if it is practical stuff like sorting will out etc will it take any burden off the future nasties. All my life I've worried about getting ovarian cancer to the point I'd switch a programme off or throw a newspaper out if I saw the words - part of me thought if I thought I'd get it, of course I wouldn't as how likely would be getting the thing I feared the most? Didn't work out well for me as magical thinking is just that- useless and time consuming and as rubbish as the magic in Harry Potter. X
X

[Lynne888]

coldethyl.. coping is a strange thing. Last year when I thought I had bowel cancer I braced myself for bad news and was told I was cancer free.  I let my guard down once I knew this so finding out now that I DO have colon cancer has knocked me for six because I wasn't braced for bad news.. I guess we are all different.  I won't change now whatever, I've been this way all my life! My husband copes by burying his head in the sand and not wanting me to talk about it.

I'm glad you have had 4 years of early retirement!  It's not long enough of course but hopefully there will be more to come 

[Menomale]

Oh Lynne, I think you are coping quite well considering that you were told not to worry and then the opposite!

But the crude truth is that all of us can get cancer anytime even if we have been cleared from a previous one, there's no guarantee another won't strike again, it's all about family history, environmental risks and probabilities, really.

If you take the advice given from coldethyl, Teresa, marras, who are dealing with cancer, then you shall have a great advantage to win the battle. The war is another matter, we all know that all we can do is fight our battles, but to win the war is just out of our hands, and that applies to everything in life.

Maybe your husband is avoiding the issue because he really loves you and it's hard to bear seeing you suffering. It's a process and it takes time, patience, clear thinking (which is impossible now) and much, much love for himself as well.

Anyway, I feel you will get out of this stronger and ready to live each second with less fear, worry and distress. That's my feeling and sincere wish.

[Lynne888]

Menomale... My husband refuses to fear the worst until he is told in stone cold facts! His glass is always half full, mine always half empty!! I agree with you 100%.. the battle scars are the ones we carry throughout our life, but as you say, when we get to full on war, that's a different thing altogether.   I"m trying to enjoy these days where I have nothing going on.. waiting is a pain, but things may never be as calm as normal as they are now. I'm just off down to the beach.. it's a beautiful sunny day and life is worth living!

[babyjane]

sending best wishes to you both coldethyl and Lynne888.  I don't feel I have the right to comment as I have no experience of these issues but I wish you and your families both well, physically and emotionally.

[coldethyl]

Yes we all do cope in different ways - just remember that you are facing a difficult time and if you wear yourself out now worrying that if you do need further treatment, you will already be exhausted. It's important to try and live as much in the present as possible I think as the future for all of us, not just those facing serious illness, is uncertain.
Hopefully your scan comes through soon and you will then have a clearer picture of where you are at. A friend recently was diagnosed with bowel cancer and surgery alone was enough though he did have to have a temporary ileostomy whilst bowel healed, now reversed. I ended up with a stoma after my tumour surgery and it isn't the worst thing ever so if you've been googling and scaring yourself over that , don't worry. I have found that you do cope with whatever is thrown at you, not always without help but you cope. xx

[Lynne888]

Well I started a blog. One of millions done by people with cancer. No one will read it but it might help me get through this.. I haven't checked spelling or grammar but if you want a read of my first post, see if it will open here:

https://whencancercomescalling.blogspot.com/b/post-preview'token=nHkvIFoBAAA.d71OfQ4BReELad_QLvUyT4XNb38him-BJoO0e4zxIIHY_QbKvPAjADRRVeOFBcLeCar5LX1XXH9HBLF9qgYiSQ.mKzxnSI_b7BRavwUs79laA&postId=4535865052938008961&type=POST

[Megamind]

That's a good post Lynne. I do feel sorry for you being told it wasn't cancerous and then it was. I can quite understand how you now have no faith in the Dr's.

Because you said you didn't really take in all he said once you heard the word cancer. Why don't you ring his Secretary and ask to speak to him again over the phone and understand things a bit more?

I will keep my fingers crossed for you that it hasn't spread and you need no further treatment x