Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Justjules]

I know there's a 'My Mum' thread ongoing but I just wondered if anyone had daughter problems??

I've posted before about some issues between us but this year has been strained to say the least.  We are not speaking at the moment, my doing, and would value your take on it as to whether I am being awful or whether I am justified.

Basically, grandson (12 years old) was poorly with a virus just before Christmas. After several trips to the out of hours surgery, he wasn't improving and a couple of days after Christmas, his legs buckled and he lost his balance so this time they admitted him. He had MRI and tests and we were so worried it
was something awful but all were clear so they sent him home to get some sleep as he was worn out and then he had to go back the next morning for more checks.  They think he has a mild case of Guillaine Barre syndrome which is a virus that attacks the nerves and can be serious.

I made soup and got complan and magazines for him, told daughter I would pop round, get phone call on way to say she'd hung on but now gone to boyfriend's. He would have to sleep on a blow up mattress there as he has two children. I was fuming. I can't believe as a Mum, why she wouldn't think that the best place for him would be in his own bed in his own house resting. I know he was 'bored' but I think she was wrong to put boyfriend before the children on this occasion. They were there for the New Year and even went to a New Year's Eve party till 3:00am. (Gosh, I'm looking at what I am writing and I seem like a right interfering witch sorry, but it's really upset me). The upshot is that I am not speaking to her. This is the final straw in a lot of things. I am fed up with the way she treats me. I've done so much to support her and I get nothing back (not the reason I do it obviously). She speaks to me with a tone of contempt a lot if the time and I don't deserve it. Just because I suffer with anxiety and am a negative ninnie, she sees me as being weak and a bit pathetic nowadays and has a wonderful new, positive life since getting divorced but has no empathy for anyone. Her partner is lovely but the family all agree that she is not just in love with him, but is totally obsessed to the point we are all just 'outsiders' now.  I could forgive the first year or so, but this is 3 years in now.  She's distanced herself from her family. She never visits my Mum or picks up the phone to speak to her and it upsets my Mum a lot.

Am I being totally out of order here? Are my 'expectations' of respect and a little bit of thought too high?  I'm sure I haven't been the most perfect Mum but I have tried my best and after rocky patches in the past, I really thought we'd grown closer but now we're back to square one.

Forgive the rantings.....off chest now. Please be gentle 

[Justjules]

Hit the nail on the head Sparkle when you say she has lost sight of everything. No doubt one of the boys will end up having a chat with her but she's stubborn and fiery and I honestly don't think she's that bothered as long as she has her new family. We'll see. X

[cubagirl]

So hard to stay schtum in such situations! Part of me thinks her life, her choices. However, it's so hard to watch on. I know someone who never spoke to her daughter for 6 whole months over some trivial thing. Now they're great pals. Maybe take a step back, if you can, see how things turn out. Be there for her, when the time comes, but remind her that you want respect in future.

[Ju Ju]

First of all, you are worthwhile. I wonder if you are accepting your daughters disrespect as your due. Respect, approve and love yourself yourself just as you are. I know that's easier said than done if you have low self esteem issues. Has no one ever told you how amazing you are, just as you are? This will be a healthier, easier base to deal with your daughter and this situation.

Loving your daughter unconditionally does not mean you have to approve or collude with her behaviour. There seems to be some disconnection between you that is not new. When you have to question her behaviour, I would suggest you start from a positive position when talking to her.  Do not immediately zoom in on the problem as she will become defensive, angry and will shut down. (Think...how do you react to straight criticism?) Look at what she does do well and start from there both in your own mind and when talking to her. Tell her what you admire and love about her.

You cannot solve anything by not communicating and you cannot be there for your grandson if you are not talking to his Mum. It maybe that your daughter feels she is disapproved of, perhaps she doesn't approve of herself and is sensitive to any suggestion of criticism whether justified or not. I find it helps to separate the person from their behaviour in my own mind and see bad behaviour as a symptom rather than seeing people defined by it (including oneself). It's amazing what you can achieve once they trust your unconditional love for them.

[breeze]

As hard as it is I would try to back off a bit.  You don't deserve such poor treatment for one.
Also she would have to come to you, when she needs help, and it might make her realise your value.

Sometimes we have to be a little selfish for our own good.

[Justjules]

Thanks ladies, some valuable comments in there which I will take on board.

Ju Ju, you're a very wise soul and have the gift of verbalising what I can't but have in my head!  I am definitely concentrating on how I feel about myself and my value and that's why I'm so upset at the lack of respect.  I would never ever treat my mother like this, as I have too much respect for her (apart from the fact I would never have got away with it).I am sure that most of what you say applies to her and her behaviour.  Sometimes it just takes somebody's else's slant on things to put things into perspective.

Cubagirl, it is hard to stay schtum and that's why I end up just closing down as I don't like conflict or arguments and I deal with it by the silent treatment which isn't very grown up is it?

Breeze - I think a bit of space is definitely called for.  It's just the bad timing as we've both had birthdays this week and with grandson being unwell but to be honest, I don't think he's the slightest bit bothered either if he doesn't see me as she's never instilled in them the value of grandparents either and it's like pulling teeth to get them to respond or communicate with you.  We used to see so much of them but I realise they're growing up and don't always want to spend the time with the oldies now but I adored my Nana and loved hearing about her life etc. but then that was a different generation and time has moved on.

Thanks again. I do appreciate your replies. x

[Ju Ju]

 

[Evelyn63]

Sending a gentle hug, Justjules.  I agree with the others, I think stepping back and evaluating is the best thing to do at the minute.  Least said and all that .You deserve also a bit of time to yourself, I find,being a mother of four adults , that they can be the teeniest ! little bit patronising at times,  and for my own sanity and avoid risking saying something I may well regret, I lie low for a while. No texts, no visits, just  time out.  I worry about them all, and find myself worrying about particular situations concerning them, then when I ask a question or enquire how things are going, I get " Oh that? its been resolved, sorted, dumped whatever" yet they didn't bother communicating that.  Happy to off load and heap on the worry, but thoughtless in letting me know things have improved .

Your grandson is entering an awkward age too, between agers have a lot of stuff to process, and his love for you will always be there, maybe he  just doesnt show it so much at times,  but he's sure to come back .  If my five year old grandson is engrossed in something we are lucky to get a grunt, daughter doesnt see any problem with this.  I was always taught its manners to acknowledge someone and speak to them , but again, thats a different generation.

Be kind, treat yourself to a nice bunch of spring flowers, go for a walk , read a good book , have a coffee and cake, and pour a glass of your favourite tipple !  xx

[groundhog]

Justjules I completely get where you are coming from.  I have a similar problem.  I am a generous caring person who goes over and above but it's rarely reciprocated.  Too much to say on here,  please feel free to pm me if you wish xx
I get so hurt but I can't seem to back off,  it really is horrible.

Brilliant advice from the ladies as always xx

[CLKD]

Someone can only hurt you whilst you allow them to do so!

[Justjules]

True CLKD!!

Evelyn, I think you're right and it's what I've been trying to do lately.  I feel sometimes that adult children do tend to 'gang' up on you now and again and I know my Mum finds it difficult if they overstep the line in teasing her and she takes it the wrong way and thinks they're being disrespectful, and yes, definitely a generation thing. 

Groundhog, I think if it's in your nature to be like we are, there's not much we can do about it and I would rather be like that than the alternative. I think I try and see my daughter as a friend but to be honest, if she was a friend, I'd be dropping her!!

Xx

[ariadne]

How is your grandson now? My son had Guillain Barre syndrome 6 years ago. I hope your grandson has just a mild case as the hospital suggested.

Ariadne xx

[CLKD]

So Justjules, you will do what about allowing people to hurt you?  .  My Mum still has a wicked tongue at times, she isn't a person that I would have in my Life in other circumstances 

[babyjane]

Justjules, your daughter is an adult, she is responsible for herself, you are no longer responsible for her but morally we never stop being mothers and that's where it becomes difficult.  We have to let them go and make their own mistakes however hard it is to watch.  all you can do is keep communication open as far as you can.

I know how hard it can be as we have had a difficult time over the years with one of our sons.

[Justjules]

How is your grandson now? My son had Guillain Barre syndrome 6 years ago. I hope your grandson has just a mild case as the hospital suggested.

Ariadne xx

Hi Ariadne, he's a lot better in that his balance seems to be improving and he is eating well. He looks awful poor mite. He's no body fat at the best of times but now he looks like a little stick man  . The hospital said they aren't going to treat him with the usual drugs because of side affects so I suppose it will be a case if waiting till the body heals itself. I read that it could take months? How long did it take your son to get better? Thankfully he hasn't got it as bad as some people get it but it's sounded scary when I read up on it.

As for daughter, had my birthday family lunch yesterday and although she had got me a cake and some balloons, I still don't think it was done with much love and affection. My son says that's just her and that I need to change my expectations and not let it get to me. X