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[bramble]

Most of my friends are older than me so it is perhaps not surprising that I am losing them. I will need to make some new friends. With having no family, I have no-one really now to off load to, and share my darkest and lightest thoughts.
Have any of new made new best friends in later life? How easy is it to meet like minded people when you are older?

Bramble

[Annie0710]

Bramble I've always struggled with friends.  I'm such an open person but I'm not forward enough to get friendships off the ground and I seem to hold back

I have 2 friends that have been there for me and in my life for years.  One is my sisters ex best friend, she's 9 years older and more like a sister, I've known her now 42 years

The other friend I've known 30 years, we met when I was admitted to hospital to be induced and met up after the births, we've been friends ever since

I'm really liking my hairdresser, we seem to have a lot in common and I shocked myself when I said I'd love to go for a drink with her, but the fact we both are suffering with social anxiety it probably won't happen lol

X

[flutterby]

 Dear Bramble I really feel for you not having family and having lost friends. I have just husband and a couple of cousins and most of my friends live a distance away.
I was trying to think of the last friend I made, it wasn't recently but I still live in hope. Regarding meeting like minded people I find that is not easy as the older people get, the more set in their beliefs ( quite often not mine). Joining a club, association or doing voluntary work would probably lead to meeting people with similarly interests.
I realised just recently although I am a friendly person I wasn't very good at asking people about themselves as I thought it was being nosey. I am a bit better now as I do try to open conversations even if it is about something fairly neutral.
Annie well done in making the first move maybe you could just have coffee together at either of your houses.
Flutterbyx

[Kathleen]

Hello bramble.

Oddly, despite being a nervous wreck atm I have no trouble making friends. I am always asking people how they are and often share personal information with them. This comes I think from being genuinely interested in people  (or just plain nosey ).

Plus I used to go to lots of classes and join things but since the meno hit I have lost a lot of my confidence.

The main reason I'm posting is to say that a friend of mine is a member of the University of the Third Age which she finds very satisfying and stimulating so perhaps that is something you could look into?

I hope you find what you are looking for and maybe report back on your experiences!

Take care.

K.

[CLKD]

I think it depends where you live!  There are lots of hobbies.  Clubs.  Groups to join.  Below is what we do:

walking [Ramblers]
Antique faire
Camping
Sports

What interests have you had or still enjoy, i.e. cooking?  Joining a cooking course or WI will allow you to mix (  ) and you can then depend on whether you want these people purely as social meet ups or if you would invite them to your home/Pub..

Friends can fill different aspects too.  Many Theatres have 'friends' groups, those who put money into various aspects of running a theatre which means meeting up to share fund raising ideas.

Volunteering is a great way of interaction without needed to get fully involved with someone's life.  If you think of those that you meet in Charity shops for example, all of who require more helpers would get you into being sociable.  Riding for the Disabled usually means helping parents/young people with horse/donkey riding.

If you want more involvement that can grow as you meet and begin to trust others.  Mentoring adults who need to learn skills, i.e. reading, will get you 'out there' too.

I have been let down in the past by people I looked on as friends so now I don't have anyone particularly close but there are neighbours who I love being with.  We aren't in each other's pockets but I know I can ask for help or a cuppa if required.

[Ju Ju]

I've always found it difficult to make close friends. Perhaps a reluctance to get too close. In the last few years, I have found a friendship group within the small choir I belong to. I think its because in a choir you work as part of a team, whereas in the drama group I belonged to, I found more members were 'me' people. Not everyone though. It's worth thinking about the nature of any activity or evening class you join, about the likely opportunities you may or may not to make friends. I'm more relaxed now, less judgemental of myself and less concerned about what others think about me. So making friends is easier now. Being in my 60s has proved to be a happier time in my life despite health challenges.

[bramble]

What I am finding at the moment is that I have 3 lots of friends - a circle of very good friends - you know the ones you can phone at any time and they will help you, and to whom you can say most things - as well as another circle of friends that I like but with whom I don't share my feelings with to any extent - and a host of acquaintances. For one reason or another, my inner circle of friends cannot give me any support at the moment because they are dealing with serious issues in their lives. And how can I complain to them that the bins didn't get emptied or I'm feeling rubbish, at this time? Perhaps I need to share these things with my next tier of friends but I don't see them on as frequent a basis ........... It's a bit of a conundrum which I need to resolve. Start talking to myself more maybe! Learn to be even more self reliant. I know my inner circle of friends will need lots of support in the coming months so perhaps I just need to get my big girl pants on and button it. And when I really need to vent, phone the Samaritans! Or come on here!
B.

[dulciana]

I left school not being very good at making friends.  I think this was because I'm a twin and we were (at that time, especially) each other's best friends, so we didn't have to try.  It got a lot harder when my sister went to a different school and it stayed that way for years and years.   I've never really had a "best friend" but I am better at making friends now and I agree with Ju Ju that mixing with people who share a common interest - one that you love - makes it more likely to happen.  (You should hear me when I get together with other organ buffs.........!

[CLKD]

So you have friends  …… I wouldn't open up to strangers these days, if it's enough to send me to the Samaritans I would return to counselling so that someone is being paid to listen to me.  We have general moans and groans along the street and I have inner moans and groans ….. like the neighbours never take in my bins not even as far as the gates, unless I have asked them to do so whilst we are away  whereas I usually pull theirs up …… they simply don't notice!

Even though your friends are 'dealing' they may still support you.  Never assume! 

A friend of mine has a man she goes to the theatre with, she goes to the pictures with her son/family, goes racing with a group of friends from School ……. as well as having monthly counselling sessions  .  She seems quite well grounded 

[dulciana]

So you have friends  …… 

Yes. It maybe seems no big deal, but during my schooldays, once my my sister had gone elsewhere (we were 15) I'd be all bouyed up if someone said to me so much as "See you tomorrow".     And that had quite a lasting legacy.   Things are better these days, though.

[Ju Ju]

When someone opens up to me, I consider it a privilege. There has to be trust, or in a councilling situation, confidentiality. In friendship, you haven't got those guarantees, so trust is even more important. And for friendship to work, it has to be reciprocated. When you are receiving support from a friend, it can help to take the focus off yourself and give support along the way. CLKD is right. You can't assume anything.

Dulciana, are you close to your twin sister now? I always envied twins. My sister was 21/2 years older, but I was the nuisance younger sister, shooed away when her friends came round. We weren't close even as adults, still playing childhood roles, until she was ill. So much I would change now. If only.....

[dulciana]

Dulciana, are you close to your twin sister now? I always envied twins. My sister was 21/2 years older, but I was the nuisance younger sister, shooed away when her friends came round. We weren't close even as adults, still playing childhood roles, until she was ill. So much I would change now. If only.....

Yes, we are close, Ju Ju, although not geographically, as she's in Norwich and I'm in Edinburgh.  I do appreciate that I'm lucky in having a close sister, who's my age and who I have a lot in common with.   

[Dana]

I think making true friends is never easy. A lot of the people we call "friends" are probably really just people we know or acquaintances. A true friend is someone you know will always be there no matter what. I have a lot of people I know that I call friends, but in reality I probably only have only two or three I would call a true friend.

I find that people let me down a lot. Over recent years I've even been stabbed in the back and lied about by a couple of "friends", who for obvious reasons are no longer a part of my life, and I have a better life for it.

I'm a very generous person who will always offer to do things for people if I feel they need my help, but that is usually not reciprocated. Every year I tell myself to harden up and treat people the way they treat me, but I never do. I just have a very empathetic nature, that I really can't do anything about.

I don't work and most of the year I have a very happy life with lots of socialising every week, but Christmas and New Year are often very lonely because I don't have any family and friends are always too busy with their own things to bother about me. Oh well, it's just a week out of the year to get through and in a couple of days the new year will be here and everything can get back to normal.

As a suggestion bramble, you could try looking into Meetup.com. It's a worldwide site where you can usually find lots of social activity groups within your area. I've made a few friends that way, but of course the quality of those friends is going to be dependent on the people themselves, but it could be somewhere to start.

Also look around your area to see if there are any local coffee groups or similar. When I gave up work in 2014 I was a bit lost for a while, but I found a really nice group that meets every Tuesday morning at my local shopping centre. I have made a couple of lovely friends that way.

[dulciana]

I'm a very generous person who will always offer to do things for people if I feel they need my help, but that is usually not reciprocated. Every year I tell myself to harden up and treat people the way they treat me, but I never do. I just have a very empathetic nature, that I really can't do anything about.

I hope you won't "harden up", Dana.  These sound like lovely qualities and ones that others will really appreciate in you.   
Dulciana

[Katejo]

What I am finding at the moment is that I have 3 lots of friends - a circle of very good friends - you know the ones you can phone at any time and they will help you, and to whom you can say most things - as well as another circle of friends that I like but with whom I don't share my feelings with to any extent - and a host of acquaintances. For one reason or another, my inner circle of friends cannot give me any support at the moment because they are dealing with serious issues in their lives. And how can I complain to them that the bins didn't get emptied or I'm feeling rubbish, at this time? Perhaps I need to share these things with my next tier of friends but I don't see them on as frequent a basis ........... It's a bit of a conundrum which I need to resolve. Start talking to myself more maybe! Learn to be even more self reliant. I know my inner circle of friends will need lots of support in the coming months so perhaps I just need to get my big girl pants on and button it. And when I really need to vent, phone the Samaritans! Or come on here!
B.

I know exactly what you mean about the difficulty in making friends. I always envied people who had a circle of friends (perhaps from uni) who all knew each other and regularly went out together or in pairs. i have never had such a network. My problem is mainly with local friends. I have several longstanding friends whom i have known for at least 5 years and mostly a lot longer (approx 80's) but they have moved away from London or i met them abroad so they have never lived in the UK. One is a Swedish friend whom I met in Italy. We regularly exchange emails but only meet once or occasionally twice a year. She is 18 years older. My problem is with local friends. I only have 1 who lives really quite close and a couple who are elsewhere in London. I do go to a Meet Up, a walking group and an evening class but rarely get to know members well enough to meet them outside of the group.  I do still have family members not too far away.