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[Juniperphine]

Hi all.  I think I've been perimenopausal for about 18 months - hot sweats at night, periods got shorter, then recently longer and heavier, feeling exhausted for no obvious reason, weepy... and then there is the crabbit cynic that has appeared in my thinking... and where compassionate and empathetic thoughts once were, are now 'o yeah?', sarcasm and various swears!  Along with that is a 'looks crisis' - I have no clue what to wear as I don't feel like 'me' in anything.. except leggings and I think that this might actually result in surgical removal of them if I don't find something else.  I often look like my 2 year old grandaughter dressed me...  I'm 46, have 3 grown up children (one who left home.. then came back and although 23 and sharing a room with her 8 1/2 year old brother and is not showing any signs of moving out soon) and a young son.

I fear I will turn into some sort of bitter crone because my head is so full of swears and 'leave me alones'!  I'm a self employed seamstress - am trained, qualified and experienced, work as the work comes in. My work of choice and also much experience was in school as a specialised teaching assistant.  I moved from the city 9 years ago and started doing work that I really enjoyed and then when I was 41, I had a brain injury in 2011 which had a massive impact on my work ability - mostly due to executive function difficulty which is about planning and organising.  I couldn't work in a team as I couldn't process all the stuff that comes with lots of people (or actually, more than a couple) so I started working from home in the other thing I was good at.  I couldn't support myself on it and because I still can't process stuff beyond a couple of people, I don't know what other work to do.  Why is this an issue?  Well, it wasn't until about 18 months ago when I was suddenly overwhelmed by nightmares, fear and a crushing anxiety about how I would support my husband, son and me when he retires - in 12 years time!!!!!  How ridiculous is that?  I was never one to worry about these sorts of things because I had a strong and deep rooted faith but that also has died a death and left fear behind.  So, here I am, wondering who the hell I am, and who the hell I am becoming... and what will I do in the future and all sorts of crap I never worried about before.

Is that normal for this time of life?  Has anyone else felt like this?  And did you cry all the bloody time  ?  Were you radically different at the end of it or did it settle? 

Sorry for burbling... feeling a bit desperate!

[babyjane]

Aw bless you, hello, you sound quite normal (after all what is normal) for this time of life and you can find many posts outlining the same things you have talked about.

I can only say that, for myself, yes it did settle but it wasn't funny at the time.  Without the support I found on this forum it could have been a lot worse.

Browse round and join in and welcome 

[Juniperphine]

Thank you I remember when my mum told me the facts of life... she went into details about eggs, sperm an all that and then said 'and then one day, it stops'.  The end.  That's what I told my daughters, and what the school told them too - but now, I am getting to know.. that 'it stops' isn't as literal as that so I'm keeping a diary for my daughters so that when they get to their time, they'll have something to read just in case my mind has completely shattered and I've gone loopy and can't remember it anyway!    

I'm going to have a read around

[CLKD]

What support do you have regarding your head injury: have you contacted Headway and seen a Neuropsychologist to gain coping strategies?

Periods do stop, eventually ……. but along comes other issues [sometimes] which is why it's known as The Change.  Have a browse round.  Make notes ;-).

I too have sudden intense fears, the main one being when Himself dies  , enough to keep me awake so that I can listen to him breathing through the night.  I have very busy, involved dreams as well as a lot of guilt  .

You burbble away, someone is usually here to 'listen' …..

[Kathleen]

Hello  Juniperphine.

I  recognise so much of what you say. I used to pride myself on my sympathic qualities but now I'm selfish and uncaring a lot of the time. I've also become very teary in recent weeks and self pitying. Every emotion feels so chemical now. As you can see I don't have any solutions for you but I do understand how you feel, you are not alone!

Wishing you well.

K.

[kiltgirl]

Hi there,

From what I have read (thank goodness for this forum) it does sound normal...I feel like the 'me' I've always been has gone now...and that I've suddenly turned into my mother as I remember her...not a good thing by the way! Even the way I smell is different...I too want everyone and everything and ALL DEMANDS on me to just leave me the (insert expletive) alone.

Which is not good as I'm a support worker and I also have a prepubescent daughter...and single parent...I guess I didn't plan all of that too well really...I also worry about the future and what will happen once my daughter leaves home (8-10 years!?)...I will have to move into a smaller place, will I be homeless!?!? I hate the anxiety, usually I can see it for what it is but sometimes it just overwhelms.

As for the crying, I think that's normal...I'm trying to go with it, better out than in etc, I hope!

I think as women we do need to become more selfish though at this point in our lives, it's just when others can't cope with this or think we're slacking...I've noticed I've become quite paranoid about this, especially at work, I end up pushing myself further than I should because I hate the thought of 'being carried'.

We'll get through it though...it's just bloody well not fair that we should have to 

[Pam Madra]

life is testing at times and just hope there is light at the end of tunnel. I hope someone can tell us that it changes with time or not?

[Riding the Storm]

Wow!  I can so relate to the whole identity crisis feeling!  I have my own description of it; it be like "aliens have invaded the body of moi" and I no longer seem to be the go with the flow person I used to be.  My belief system has been removed and replace my Victor Meldrew's but the female version    Perhaps on the outside I am still doing a good job of the cover up job!... but the my inner chatterbox is aye! Victor    I have some young students who have moved into the flat above me.  Both really nice girls....but oh my god! how much do I hate them right now! (in my head) If I'm honest the noise (which is just normal moving around stuff, no mad parties etc) really gets under my skin, and I find myself thinking stuff like! ffs!! why cant you just shut the door quietly LIKE I DO!!!grrrr! at the same time as thinking " now now, live and let live, they are just young and happy people.  I so am NOT the laid back/cool/easy going person I was  but mostly in my head.
I get what you say about 'work' and the busyness of a group of people, and I find it hard to take the ping pong of multiple conversations OR people who talk too fast..I just can't keep up, get muddled when it becomes my turn to speak, can't grasp the right words and end up saying 'that thingy, what's it called again??...end up feeling a bit of a plonker and beat myself up about it later.  I have a job interview on Friday and its important to me to try to get this job, but I am scared I will make an arse of it because I cant get the right words out    This is all dead normal right? 

It's great to read others experiences it really helps a lot, and as the others have said browse around. 

[Dancinggirl]

Hi and welcome to MM Juniperphine
You have had some great support and advice so far and I agree with the others - what you are going through can be very typical when menopause hits. You have also had some traumatic times and ongoing issues that make life tough.
You haven't told us what is going on with your periods? Are you getting flushes etc? At 46, if your periods are erratic or have stopped, then HRT should be the first line of treatment - it is staggering how a lack of oestrogen can mess with the brain.
You are SOOOOO right about how little we are prepared for this time in our lives - the misconception that the periods will just stop, we get a few hot flushes and then all is fine - continues to make the 50-60% of women who get bad meno symptoms feel inadequate and a failure.

I do think this is a time in our lives when we question things and get very anxious about small things even if we've always been capable and strong in the past.

I do wonder though, whether you are suffering from some post traumatic stress syndrome.  The head trauma and subsequent cognitive problems must have really given your confidence a knock and it often take years before the repercussions of all this can emerge.  I would strongly recommend that you seek some counselling - CBT etc. as I know from personal experience that it can be very helpful.
The best thing to do is make a double appointment with your GP, right down all the symptoms, concerns and questions and ask for blood tests, discuss HRT and ask for some counselling.
In my experience the treatment of the menopause needs a multi strategy approach - most importantly “you need to be kind to yourself".  You have already made that first very important step by posting on this site - we are here to support you, so keep posting.  DG x

[CLKD]

  RidingTheStorm - sounds about 'normal' from where I'm sitting 

Browse round. Make notes!

[Juniperphine]

Thank you all for your replies . 

Period wise, still having them, still regular but.... 18 months ago they got closer together... then they got heavier (thought my spleen had disintegrated or something it was such a mess!)... then in September, I had one that just went on and on.  Then a light one, then a 'womb-must-have-rotted' one etc., and this month, started on 8th Jan - was on for 10 days and am still spotting.  I went to the Doc last year when I had the last long one and she said it was something to do with my number (46 - but now 47 as of a couple of weeks ago) and maybe I could have some hormones.  Unfortunately though, I have nasty varicose veins (have done since being 16!) and had thrombo-phlebitis during pregnancies, plus migraines (which I get a lot of at the moment) and so I couldn't have anything.  I started taking vit C with zinc - read something somewhere about zinc...  Started having proper hot flushes with this period - counted 11 yesterday.  It's not too bad as I'm cold most of the time anyway, but... Stopped taking Evening Primrose Oil - I had rosacea and when, after a short break of a couple of months, started taking the EPO again, my skin flared up and it stopped when I stopped the EPO so that's off the list now. 

Regarding brain injury, I had support from Momentum (a group in the Scottish Borders) and had a support worker for the first couple of years post injury who was lovely.  It did take a long time for the full effects of the injury to become apparent and that too brought subtle character changes and I was quite lost in who I was for a while, confidence was smashed to bits with it.  Neurologist was useless and rude, branded me neurotic... but Headway and Momentum were lovely and arranged a neuropsychologist for me who assessed me and was very helpful.  Have had no counselling though. 

I think that this time being called 'The Change' means much more than just the periods though.  I feel stuff I've never felt before and this week, have had (and I can't believe I'm even saying it!) ... regrets!  Never regretted stuff cos I'm a realist!  But this week.... I'm a SEamstress and work from home - have done since a year post brain injury because it was what I could still do - but my prior work was different to this and was something I totally loved.  I wanted to be a nurse when I was younger but never got onto the course when I was 17, then got married (18) then had kids... then did other stuff but never could do the nursing because of childcare, money etc...  And this week, OMG... I so, so, so wish I had pushed harder for this before I had the kids...  But then... the realism... blah blah blah...  Sorry, blethering on!

Anyway... have just about come to terms with the changes in me from brain injury and now we're off again on another change ride! 

Has anyone done anything totally bonkers during this time? 

[CLKD]

 . you'll fit right in here, brain injury or not - I'll bump the appropriate 'silly' thread

Done as well as 'there's a strange woman in my house'

Glad that you have been in contact with a Neuropsychologist.  They do make coping strategy suggestions which can be useful. You can see them periodically too.  Do you feel that you require counselling, again, it is a specialist area following HI so maybe contact the Secretary who works for the Neuropsychologist or Headway - we don't bite ;-).

Your GP can prescribe medication which will help with continued, heavy bleeds - Trans something or other  .

Regrets: yes I have a few.  Because of anxiety I can not keep pets [long story short  ] and I feel deeply that I can't have another dog as it would mean going for walks every day but on the other hand, Himself and I can up and out without having to clock watch.  I am sad that I didn't know about Mum's personality disorder B4 Dad died 10 years ago as he was blamed so much for what happened whilst I was growing up  and now I know differently - otherwise.

My Life is what it is (thanks DC ;-) ).  Helped by having a very laid back Husband 

What would you like to 'solve' first?

[Hurdity]

Hi Juniperphine and Riding the Storm

  from me too

Riding the Storm - do you want to introduce yourself on your own new members thread and tell us a bit more about yourself and where in menopause and perhaps how we can help support you - or what led you to join this forum?

Hurdity x