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[perimandy]

I am so cross with my family.  I feel so upset and fed up, and don't think I'm being unreasonable.  What do you think?

I live with my partner, and my daughter when she is home from Uni in the holidays and at weekends (she's just started her 2nd year, she is 20). 

There are two things in life I would really like at the moment - a craft room, and/or a cat.  My partner says no to the cat, my daughter says no to the craft room (which would be her bedroom, and woudl still have a bed in it, it would also have my sewing machine in there, and a chair).  And this makes me FURIOUS, well today anyway!  I have spent the last 21 years bringing up two children, very largely single-handedly, and working at least part time since they were babies.  I have in that time purchased most of a house, yet find at the fine age of 50 I can't do what I want in my own house because the rest of the family don't agree!!!! 

Isn't it time for me now?  I feel like I could scream and scream and scream!
x

[Tinkerbell]

I would just go and buy the cat for starters, but my partner doesn't listen to what I say and I don't listen to him....suits us both

[Dana]

Frankly I would do both things and tell both of them to go to hell. This is now your time. You've done your child rearing, and your daughter is moving on and getting her own life.

I'm sure your craft stuff can be tidied up and put away when she's home on holidays, so I don't see her problem. Provided she still has a bed to sleep in, you're not obliged to provide her with anything else. It's your house after all, and you get to make the decisions.

What are your husband's reasons about the cat? If he's allergic, I understand, but if he's not I would go ahead and get it anyway because I'm sure you intend to be the one totally responsible for it.

Perhaps you could offer a compromise. You could foster one from the RSPCA, and it could be returned if it doesn't work out. You never know. I've seen many a cat hater totally melt as soon as one starts purring and snuggling next to them.

[Annie0710]

I think getting a pet should be a joint decision BUT cats really own you as they come and go as they please

Your daughter really shouldn't be telling you what to do in YOUR home! When she has her name on the house and equally pays the bills that'd be different but really ! Put your foot down here, hobbies and crafts can work wonders on the mind and this is YOUR time, after all the years putting everyone else first

X

[perimandy]

Aw thank you all three!  I think he is slightly allergic, but today I am feeling that the craft room is more of a go-er!  Will tell daughter I'm going to decorate her room this side of Xmas before she is back for holidays, and her stuff will be all shifted about! 

Let's see how that goes down!! 

I'm feeling brighter today.  Weird these mood swings aren't they??

thanks for taking the time to answer my rant, I really do appreciate it.  xx

[Annie0710]

Aw glad you're feeling better !

Good luck with the room

My youngest is 21 and still at home, he's talking of moving out with his gf next year and he knows I've got designs on his room, I think he was shocked that it wouldn't be there for him (just in case things didn't work out) but I said my sewing machine will go in there, wardrobe, office desk etc !

We are so tight on space here but while he's paying to live here he's welcome to stay until he's ready to fly the nest

X

[Ju Ju]

I wonder whether there is more behind what appears to be a selfish reaction to you wanting to use her room while she is at university. Perhaps a heart to heart talk, reassurance how much she is loved and that using her room while she is not there is not a rejection. Home is still her base and security, until she is ready and able to move to her own home. Going to university is not the same as leaving home completely, when I would say do what you want with a child's room. Using the space, but being able to pack away your stuff when she comes home is reasonable. Is there something else going on? Is she happy and coping at uni? Often during the 2nd year, students can have doubts about their abilities and choices. Does she get on well with your partner? Confrontation and anger will get you both nowhere other than resentment, so a loving and kind discussion may well sort this out.

As for cats, as someone with allergies, I'm with your partner on this one, however gorgeous and rewarding a cat may be. Sadly, it has to be a no.

[CLKD]

My Dad told me that it was his house and everything in it was leant, i.e. my bed, wardrobe, chair …….. none of it mine because he had paid for it.

I agree with Ju Ju - none of us likes change, when going back to my parents' after I first married it was almost a relief to see everything in the same place  .  Your daughter may want somewhere familiar to crash into ……. and when she's away it may be a comfort to imagine 'her' room as was.  Have that talk at C.mas!  If you agree that this should be your space whilst she's away, after all it will need heating to keep it aired - then have somewhere to store your stuff as she will no doubt, bright stuff back  ……...

As for the cat, don't - unless everyone is in the same mind because there will be times when the cat needs care etc..  If anyone else in the house isn't keen then you will have added worry!  (been there, done that  ).

[Dana]

I'm slightly allergic to cats, but it's never stopped me from owning cats my whole life. I get very itchy eyes and throat, but provided I always wash my hands after I've cuddled them it's not a problem. If it's only a slight allergy it shouldn't be a deal breaker.

It's a discussion you need to have, and a discussion isn't him just saying a blanket no without your thoughts being taken into consideration.

[rebecca]

Perimandy .....
Yes to the craft room as it is YOUR time now and we need our own areas.
No to the cat (if allergies are involved)...

PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN (Yes, I am shouting! )   
Rebecca x

[Hurdity]

Hi perimandy

re the craft room - if your daughter leaves her room clean and tidy each time she goes off to university and you are accustomed to going in there from time to time eg to take her clothes in or whatever, then there is no reason why you should not use her room while she is not there especially if you are short of space. It is your house and to leave a room unused is unreasonable! If you need to move some of her things temporarily eg to put a sewing machine or soldering iron on her desk or bring in some boxes of stuff - these could be moved out just before she came back as long as exactly as she left it all! This is your house after all.

However it is her room as others have said - until she leaves home - and therefore I would ensure she has exclusive use of it (presumably her childhood bedroom) on her return - I know my children did, and I expect most will want to slot back into their home-life and friends when they come back.  I would not dream of re-decorating it and moving or re-organising her stuff in her absence!! What's the hurry (re the decoration)? Wait until Christmas - they get 4 weeks off usually anyway. Have the talk, say you intend using it while she is away (you don't need her permission if you don't mess up or touch her stuff!) and that you'd like to decorate it. If she doesn't like the idea of it being decorated in her absence then for the sake of good relations why not leave it until she leaves home unless it's actually falling apart?! Maybe she can help you decorate it after Xmas before she goes back - (or before if time).

re the cat - I am also slightly allergic but my parents had a cat and I have had cats all my life. if the allergy is just mild rhinitis ( shuffles and itchy eyes - but not all the time) then should be OK. One of my sons has a far worse allergy from the cats than I do but it didn't stop us having them! I'm with Dana on this one - unless he gets  streaming eyes and nose or asthma whenever he is with one then a slight allergy is very common and nothing to worry about! You'll need to talk your partner round on this one - say he doesn't have to do any of the looking after  or cleaning up etc!

Hurdity x