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Author Topic: Social recluse ???  (Read 9192 times)

Peroxideblader

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Social recluse ???
« on: September 12, 2016, 02:09:36 PM »

Hello I am hoping everyone can confirm I'm not stuck like I am forever..I'm 47 in peri and hopefully starting femoston soon..but the last 3 or 4 years I've gradually got more and more antisocial to the point I don't go anywhere where there could be crowds of strangers and if I have to I get chest pains tearful anxiety panic attacks and I just want to burst into tears and rum home..apart from meals occasionally with my sons and fiancé hidden in a quiet pub I haven't been out socially for 4 years until yesterday..had to go to a christening but I've been so I'll and down with worry about going that yesterday I spent most of my time in a different part of the pub away from anyone on the verge of tears..luckily these people just think I'm weird and antisocial as they've never met me before but I was so low and didn't recognise this person I've become I used to be chatty and bubbly and a good mixer now I want to see no one other than my fiancé and sometimes not even him..I've read up the last few month on articles on peri and couldn't believe the profile and symptoms are spot on for me..will I get better and is this a menopause thing or am I using it to cover the fact I'm socially doomed...my fiancé can't keep going out to special does on his own as I'm sure he thinks I've changed on purpose and that all the horrid changes in me are my fault and nothing to do with menopause..he will tire of this awful new me and leave I wouldn't blame him...and I can't see femoston performing miracles..please help
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Annie0710

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Re: Social recluse ???
« Reply #1 on: September 12, 2016, 04:38:20 PM »

It's social gatherings or even one to one that gets me and like you I was outgoing and loved socialising

I've distanced myself from people and quite rightly hardly anyone bothers with me now, I can't and don't blame them but quite a few I'm sure think I don't like them, which is hard

I'm hoping for a trial of testosterone as a lack of that can cause this (I've been on oestrogen years)

And I've recently started hypnotic cognitive therapy and I do think it's helping

It's nasty and cruel how this transition changes not only our bodies but our thinking too

Annie x
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Cherrycrumble

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Re: Social recluse ???
« Reply #2 on: September 12, 2016, 04:45:03 PM »

Hi Peroxideblader! You're not alone! :)  I feel like a social recluse too. I've never been someone that wants to be out all the time, but in the last year I really haven't enjoyed going out unless it's just with my husband and kids. I don't mind days out sightseeing and stuff like that, where you can walk around and get away if you need to, it's things like meals out and intense situations that I don't like. I don't even enjoy my friends coming round for coffee, as I can't be bothered to be sociable and the whole one to one things is horrible. I still do it, but am so relieved when it's over. I'm not normally like this either, and am quite confident and chatty normally, but have put it down to hormones! I just look forward to a day where I'm through it all and can get back to my life  :)
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Mary G

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Re: Social recluse ???
« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2016, 04:59:48 PM »

I wonder if this is always because of the menopause?  I went off socialising in large groups when I was in my late 20s/early 30s and I stopped going to office parties because I found them tedious - I sort of outgrew them.  People noticed how I suddenly stopped going to everything but I just made excuses - I just wanted to get home at the end of the working day.  I always enjoyed going for a drink after work with a friend and going to the local pub (as long as it was not pre-arranged and I could just turn up and leave when I felt like it) and still enjoy very small groups but I find large groups very wearing.  You can just go off certain things.  My partner feels exactly the same and he is a man!
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Tempest

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Re: Social recluse ???
« Reply #4 on: September 12, 2016, 05:22:06 PM »

Oh very much so!!! My situation has been very bad since my surgical menopause. I really only go places with Hubby now, apart from some medical appointments which I can attend on my own.

I'd love to feel confident enough and symptom free enough to go where I chose again. And return to work! I try not to think about it too much, as it just spirals me into depression.

The first 6 months after my surgery wasn't too bad, but it has got incredibly bad since January this year as my symptoms became so debilitating (I haven't been on HRT until very recently). Ive pretty much missed  most of this summer. :'(

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Babsm67

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Re: Social recluse ???
« Reply #5 on: September 12, 2016, 05:37:00 PM »

Hi, me too - I don't like leaving the house (this has worsened in the last seven weeks since I finished my last, temporary job).  My son is autistic and needs to be taken out as he is at home with me for half of the week - I have to force myself to go out & feel nervous driving further away from home (he likes to go out for trips in the car).  The nervousness during driving has started up only recently - I never used to worry before.  I used to love walking my dog but now I just find it an ordeal & am glad when I can get back inside the house (I do love my dog though!). 
Like Annie, I have distanced myself from people,  so only have one true friend to my name whom I barely ever see (I probably see her once every six months as she is busy).   I just feel like I want to hide away but, at the same time,  feel lonely & am dreading the winter which I usually find difficult.  For a few months, I made myself go to a fitness class but this dwindled two weeks into the summer holidays & I cannot face going back (it is late in the evening).  At the weekend, I find it easier to go out if I am with my husband - it worries me now much I depend on him these days!
I think it is a vicious circle - the less you go out, the less you want to go out & so on.  However, what Sparkle has said is encouraging as it does sound like there will be light at the end of the tunnel! Xx
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Goosieloosie

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Re: Social recluse ???
« Reply #6 on: September 12, 2016, 06:02:36 PM »

Hi, me too - I don't like leaving the house (this has worsened in the last seven weeks since I finished my last, temporary job).  My son is autistic and needs to be taken out as he is at home with me for half of the week - I have to force myself to go out & feel nervous driving further away from home (he likes to go out for trips in the car).  The nervousness during driving has started up only recently - I never used to worry before.  I used to love walking my dog but now I just find it an ordeal & am glad when I can get back inside the house (I do love my dog though!). 
Like Annie, I have distanced myself from people,  so only have one true friend to my name whom I barely ever see (I probably see her once every six months as she is busy).   I just feel like I want to hide away but, at the same time,  feel lonely & am dreading the winter which I usually find difficult.  For a few months, I made myself go to a fitness class but this dwindled two weeks into the summer holidays & I cannot face going back (it is late in the evening).  At the weekend, I find it easier to go out if I am with my husband - it worries me now much I depend on him these days!
I think it is a vicious circle - the less you go out, the less you want to go out & so on.  However, what Sparkle has said is encouraging as it does sound like there will be light at the end of the tunnel! Xx

Oh Madboss This sounds exactly like me! I've been lucky enough not to have to work while our children were growing up but I think this has had the disadvantage that I've spent so much time in the house that now they are grown up (youngest is 17) I just don't like leaving the house at all....on my own, I'm actually ok going out with my husband but during the day whilst he's at work I rarely go out by myself, I spend the day washing, cleaning etc and this has now got to OCD levels. We've enjoyed 2 holidays abroad this year which I am fine with because he's with me but the thought of going on holiday without him....well it would just never happen  :(.  It concerns me too how much I depend on him  :( I too have lost all of my friends and have only one close one but even she doesn't bother with me very much apart from the occasional text, she's very much a sociable person and likes to be out all of the time & as I never go out she has given up asking  :(. I was never like this when my children were young, I was always out with them doing something, I am a completely different person to what I was when they were little. I have been on HRT for 11 month, Initially I felt so much better but now I'm beginning to get that teary, low mood back. I'm actually looking forward to winter where I can feel less guilty about staying indoors  :o
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Kathleen

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Re: Social recluse ???
« Reply #7 on: September 12, 2016, 06:45:32 PM »

Hello Peroxideblader.

I am another sufferer.
 With me the anxiety is worse at the thought of going anywhere new or doing anything out of my usual routine. I actually prefer to be out on my own, probably because then I'm  not pressured to please anyone else. I leave the house at least twice a day and happily chat to any friends and neighbours I encounter. I also often meet two different friends for coffee so  no-one would ever guess I was struggling with social anxiety! It's the things I'm afraid to do that worry me and like many others I was not like this before the menopause shredded my self confidence.
I am post meno and on HRT but still have symptoms including flushing. I'm reluctant to increase my hormones so I'm trying to adapt to these horrible sensations but without success so far. Ladies I've said it before and I'll say it again, the menopause is a hard row to hoe!

Wishing you all well.

K.
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Tempest

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Re: Social recluse ???
« Reply #8 on: September 12, 2016, 07:16:57 PM »

Oh, Madbloss! I can relate so much. My son is autistic too, he's a big lad of 20 now and has completed college, but requires a lot of emotional support which means I really can't ever afford to fall apart (which is even tougher for us isn't it when we have low moods and terrible anxiety)?

Goosieloosie, I'm longing for winter too! It's helps me to feel more 'invisible', if that makes sense? And as you say, it gives you the excuse to just hunker down at home. I know it's not good for us mentally to do this, but this is all so very, very hard and I feel like I just want to disappear most of the time.

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CLKD

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Re: Social recluse ???
« Reply #9 on: September 12, 2016, 07:56:04 PM »

For years I went along with the habit of going out to Work events filled with dread.  Worse if food was involved.  Once the meal was over I could relax and generally was OK.  When I moved into Industry I refused all events to join up as I was 'last in' anyway so felt an outsider.  The clique was already formed.  DH and I went to meals with my Manager and looking back, why didn't I simply say 'no'  :-\ …… I never really liked the couple so I didn't ask them back as often as we went there.

I often lay awake in the night and think 'why didn't I say no' : it wasn't as though my job depended on going, it was simply what was done in the 1970s.

Now I say 'no' really easily  ;D.  I avoid anywhere that I may feel uncomfortable, verging on panic.  DH and I have never gone on holiday alone, what's the point????? nor do we have holidays with others - sure way of spoiling a friendship!!! particularly as I don't drink and can't abide drunks.

Find hobbies to do, watch TV to relax, go for walks alone so that you don't have to engage?  Accept.  This too will pass ……. after many years of isolating myself due to anxiety I can now go out and about: shopping, meeting friends, but only if I feel OK.  Other things I still find difficult.
« Last Edit: September 13, 2016, 07:19:40 PM by CLKD »
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Clovie

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Re: Social recluse ???
« Reply #10 on: September 13, 2016, 01:02:06 PM »


Oh Madboss This sounds exactly like me! I've been lucky enough not to have to work while our children were growing up but I think this has had the disadvantage that I've spent so much time in the house that now they are grown up (youngest is 17) I just don't like leaving the house at all....on my own, I'm actually ok going out with my husband but during the day whilst he's at work I rarely go out by myself, I spend the day washing, cleaning etc and this has now got to OCD levels. We've enjoyed 2 holidays abroad this year which I am fine with because he's with me but the thought of going on holiday without him....well it would just never happen  :(.  It concerns me too how much I depend on him  :( I too have lost all of my friends and have only one close one but even she doesn't bother with me very much apart from the occasional text, she's very much a sociable person and likes to be out all of the time & as I never go out she has given up asking  :(. I was never like this when my children were young, I was always out with them doing something, I am a completely different person to what I was when they were little. I have been on HRT for 11 month, Initially I felt so much better but now I'm beginning to get that teary, low mood back. I'm actually looking forward to winter where I can feel less guilty about staying indoors  :o

Hey there Goosie

Just to say I could have written your post myself.
Are you my twin?  ;D

Since this peri business has really kicked in I'm the same, I make excuses not to go out except with my hubby.
Also lucky enough to go away on lovely holidays, on which I'm fine because I have people with me.  I'm also concerned about my reliance on one person. I keep in touch with many friends online, which I'm happy with.
Also stayed at home as full time mum with mine, and also spend a lot of time decorating and keeping the house just so, and planning holidays! :D :D

Anyway, just to say as I say I could have written your post. Happy to chat if you ever want to  :)
 

Hang in there ladies, hopefully this will all pass and we'll all emerge as beautiful social butterflies.  :)





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Clovie

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Re: Social recluse ???
« Reply #11 on: September 13, 2016, 01:37:50 PM »

I think it's worse if you try to fight it, that's when the guilt really kicks in.  If you can I'd suggest going with it and just do what feels right.  There's no point in adding to what is already a horrible anxiety-ridden time. 

S x

Yes!  :) That's exactly what I did Sparkle!
Worked for me.

I used to stress about not going out and making lots of new friends (new area, we relocated) Our kids are older now, teens, much more difficult to meet people now kids are older. I used to beat myself up about it.

Now I just don't care.
It's so therapeutic! I feel freer than I have for a good few years
I have a lot of contact online and by phone with friends from previous areas, I meet up very occasionally with 2 local new friends for coffee etc (I have to force myself :( ) and my husband is my best friend in any case.


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Kathleen

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Re: Social recluse ???
« Reply #12 on: September 13, 2016, 01:40:43 PM »

Hello again ladies.

I was just wondering if social anxiety hits us in one of two days, we either fear being on our own or fear being with other people? It seems some ladies are calmer if they are  accompanied when they go out whereas others feel more in control if they are on their own. Perhaps the sense of unease that the meno brings mean it is likely that one or the other will effect us and perhaps our personal circumstances dictate which one. As an example, when this meno madness started my husband had to travel abroad for a  three week period and if I'd been afraid to leave the house on my own I would have starved! Not literally obviously as I would've had food delivered but you get my  drift lol. I think I got used to being on my own but then found being with people stressful.

Whatever the circumstances, this horrible sensation is hard to deal with and I send hugs to you all.
Take care.

K.
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dangermouse

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Re: Social recluse ???
« Reply #13 on: September 13, 2016, 05:03:42 PM »

Hormonal anxiety can manifest in so many different psychological ways. Avoidance becomes a bit of a default in order to protect us from what might happen, whether that's avoiding being alone or in social situations. The more we avoid, the smaller our world's become and situations that we used to feel comfortable in become uncomfortable.

If it bothers you, as some may not have any issue with becoming more reclusive, then the key is to gradually turn things around by reversing the avoidance by stepping out again. It will feel unnatural and uncomfortable to start with but eventually you will realise it's not as bad as you thought it would be - we tend to exaggerate how bad things will be when we avoid because our imagination takes precedence as we have no factual experiences to look back on (or if we do they are too long ago to relate to).

If you're starting to have panic attacks its because you have convinced your subconscious that there is something to fear, so try to rationalise what you're planning to do in order to replace the underlying thoughts - so 'it will be ok and I might even enjoy it' instead of 'I don't want to go and its going to be terrible'. The former is true and the latter is a lie after all.

Perhaps start with something that's brief, like an hour's coffee with a friend, and then when you feel comfortable doing shorter length stuff you can then move to the next level. If one to one is your worst fear then make that a future goal and start with a larger gathering where you can leave when you need to.

If you're avoiding people you are close to because you don't want to explain what you're been going through then, perhaps, pick one or two people to confide in. For all you know they are going through the same! Equally, don't feel under pressure to explain why you've not been around, you can just say you've been busy if you prefer to keep your health issues to yourself. As long as you keep the people closest to you in the loop, those who are important to you and who you don't want to risk losing, then that's where your responsibility ends. If they don't understand why you are having difficulties socialising (or any of the other issues we face) then try to explain it to them as best as you can. As long as you are communicating, they will know you care enough to share it with them.

Those who stay are the ones who you should have in your life, those who leave are just not right for you.
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Pennyfarthing

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Re: Social recluse ???
« Reply #14 on: September 13, 2016, 06:14:51 PM »

I had terrible anxiety about 4 years ago following a very traumatic incident. I was diagnosed with PTSD and had several months counselling and was put on Pericyazine and I still take just one every single day.  I also found a book on Mindfulness very helpful but it's upstairs just now so I  can't remember the author but it helped me no end and has a CD which I used loads. 

If anybody is interested in title I will add it later.  It is very easy to read and understand and very helpful.
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