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[Cm1]

Hi all hope everyones doing ok?

Im hoping for some advice on a situation with my sister, she met a bloke last year and fell head over heels, im not keen on him nor is anyone else but we didnt co.plain as she seemed happy.

All went along fine until about 2 months ago when she stopped contacting anyone, came off fb and doesnt reply to phone or text messages. I finally tracked down his number a got through to her but she said shes fine and didnt know what all the fuss was about!

This is so not like her and we are really worried. Iv seen her out in the car and she looks fine. He has quiet a past and that makes us more concerned!

Im at a loss what to do any ideas?

[dazned]

Can you not just be up front with her,when you get hold of her, and just say that you are concerned about her lack of communication with you as its not like her and that you feel shut out. Make it seem more about you and your feelings rather than her feeling you are disapproving of hers. Just a thought 

[Cm1]

Thats pretty much what i did, shes not contacting her son either so i said how upset he is (though hes left home) but she just seemed to think i was making a fuss over nothing!

[warwick01]

Hi CM1

This happened to a friend of mine she was 46 when she met him. He bought her lots of presents, flowers etc really swept her off her feet. When day moved in together she found out he was in so much debt on credit cards. He stopped going out without him even shopping. He checked her phone all the time. When he had a drink he abused her to the extent the police were called. Then he would turn up in tears and said it was because he loved her so much.

They moved away and she has no contact with us now. One day I'm sure we will read something bad about whats happened to her. He was so controlling but I think she felt she could not escape.

Try to tell her you need her take her out for coffee and just see if she seems anxious or calm???

Good luck Wx

[Kathleen]

Hello Cm1.

I've no experience of this but I did see a Ted Talk given by an American woman who had been a 'battered wife'. She had written about her experiences and I think the title of her book was 'Crazy in Love'. Her story is one of a young woman who found herself in a very controlling relationship but when friends spoke of their concerns she dismissed them. Eventually her partner assaulted her and she left. She writes that during that time she never thought of herself as a victim but rather a very caring person who had the unique ability to help a troubled man. In other words she felt she was the strong one in the relationship and was genuinely needed and loved.

I've no idea how common this attitude is but it would explain why some women are reluctant to give up on very controlling men, even going so far as defending them and protecting them from criticism.

I hope your sister's situation has a happy ending and do please keep us updated.

Take care.

K.

[CLKD]

If you know this man's identity then go to the Police and ask if he has a record.  They may well intervene if they believe your sister to be at risk.  However, once they have warned a person, they are powerless to do much else.  After all, most affected are adults.

Many many years ago a friend met a bloke, I disliked him immediately - he put her down in front of everyone.  Eventually she and I discussed his attitude, i.e. keeping her more and more isolated as well as verbally attacking her; and she had the courage to leave.  I didn't see either of them after but I knew that she was safe.

I do wish that I had spoken out sooner  .  If you are worried do not be afraid to visit the Police, they may be waiting for 'evidence' in order to proceed with 'stuff'.  If not, write her a blunt letter and say that you have a bad feeling - however, if your hunch is correct, he may already be stopping her mail.

[Dana]

I'm sorry to say it, but that kind of behaviour can be one of the classic signs of someone who is in an abusive and/or controlling relationship. It is very common for these women to be cut off from other people so the man can be totally in control of everything she does.

Quite often these women get bombarded so much with "You're so worthless, ugly, lazy that I'm the only man who will ever love you" type of brain washing that she loses all self confidence and feels she doesn't deserve anything better. Or the man ends up having so much control that she doesn't even have access to any finances or outside contact so she can get out of the relationship.

Unfortunately it's a very tricky situation for you because the more you try to intervene the more she may cut off all communication. I'm not sure what the answer is. She does need help of some kind, but sadly she has to want the help, and that's not always easy.

I'm sorry if all that sounds really horrible, but I think you do need to be aware of what could be going on there. Perhaps you could contact a local "victims of abuse" type organisation who may be able to give you more expert advice. I honestly don't think anyone here has that kind of expertise.

[CLKD]

Actually  ……. we had similar threads a few years back.

If possible Cm1 keep contact.  Small notes, gifts, even pop by initially to keep an open presence.  Nothing "I told you so" but keep notes light, about what you have been doing, gardening, parks - things you shared.

[Cm1]

Up date

Thank you for all your advise, im glad that you agree that something odd is going on. My nephew finally got hold of her last week and met up with her, he thinks she was depressed and didnt really know how long it had been. Im not so sure but she has agreed to see him again this week.

She replied to my message after i got really cross and said she want me to leave her alone so thats that really.

[CLKD]

Little steps.  Advise the nephew not to press for information but to make the time he is with his Mum peaceful.  Lots of little snippets about what he is doing so that she can feel included. 

If she is depressed then the man she has hooked up with won't mind you dropping by occasionally.  She may of course be depressed due to feeling trapped but not wanting to admit to her current situation.  Did you consider asking the Police regarding past history?

[SadLynda]

Hello Cm1.

I've no experience of this but I did see a Ted Talk given by an American woman who had been a 'battered wife'. She had written about her experiences and I think the title of her book was 'Crazy in Love'. Her story is one of a young woman who found herself in a very controlling relationship but when friends spoke of their concerns she dismissed them. Eventually her partner assaulted her and she left. She writes that during that time she never thought of herself as a victim but rather a very caring person who had the unique ability to help a troubled man. In other words she felt she was the strong one in the relationship and was genuinely needed and loved.

I've no idea how common this attitude is but it would explain why some women are reluctant to give up on very controlling men, even going so far as defending them and protecting them from criticism.

I hope your sister's situation has a happy ending and do please keep us updated.

Take care.

K.

Thank you for that explanation, someone very close to me is also going through this.  Yesterday I had all the agencies contacted to place her in safety but no, AGAIN she went back saying 'its not that bad'  it is that bad and I really find it hard to understand why she will not leave, above explains that totally.  I think anyone in this situation can do very little but be there for the person involved, though it is a very tough one to be in.

[CLKD]

People have 'hold' on others in various ways.  Sometimes a threat against another family member, child, family pet is enough to keep them trapped 

A few years ago a Trial was happening where pets would be taken care of to enable families to move away from danger - don't know if it was rolled out ……...