Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[booboo]

I wonder if any ladies on here, have a partner or know someone that has Aspergers ...I met a chap and he is very different in ways.. I know he isn't gay - he likes me, but does not do romance, isn't particularly affectionate and has little or no sex drive...He has a fair few girlfriends over the years, he is attractive, intelligent and has a soh - but never been married or lived with anyone ...At first I just thought he doesn't fancy me, I am not attractive enough, young enough etc etc - now I just think/wonder if he has Aspergers traits and just struggles to demonstrate/feel love and affection in the same way most people do..

[Ju Ju]

We think in hindsight my FIL was on the Aspergers spectrum. He didn't quite connect with any of us. It was of great frustration to my MIL in particular. But he was a good, kind man. He was my DHs step father and never took part in parenting, but he did provide stability for his ready made family.

[CLKD]

Maybe.  Or he could have been raised with no physical contact or love shown.  Also, some cultures do not show affection in the same way as we might expect, i.e. my friend's husband has never given her a birthday card because it isn't 'done' in his home country  .

Many of us are on the autistic spectrum  - my friend, head of an autistic college, often tells me 'that's an autistic way of looking at things' 

[Taz2]

You may find this interesting booboo - Maxine Aston has written lots of books/articles on the effect of Aspergers on relationships http://www.aspergerpartner.com/intimacy-and-romance-in-nt-as-relations.html.

Taz x

[Taz2]

The only thing I can say is that this almost certainly wont get any better and if you want a relationship with him then you have to be really strong and not let it impact on your own self esteem. My friend is married to an AS man and he told her on their first date thirty five years ago that she looked nice and has never told her that again. His reasoning is that he doesn't lie and if she looked nice that first time then, in his eyes, she will always look nice so he needn't say it. Does he have any problem with touch i.e. extra sensitive to a hand on his arm or a squeeze to the hand? How about if you wear perfume? Bright lights? Noise?

Taz x

[Dorothy]

I know loads of people on the autistic spectrum (I used to work on a care farm that provided training & education for ASD students) and some of them are married.  It's important to realise that if he has Asperger's then although he may be able to learn ways of 'fitting in', he is always going to be 'different' to a neurotypical.  That doesn't mean a long-term relationship can't be a success, but you do need to put serious thought into it and whether you can cope with the 'translation issues' that sometimes arise.  And also think about how he can cope with physical contact - e.g. some Asperger's people are happy to hug/touch through layers of clothing, but can't cope with skin to skin contact.

Check out The National Autistic Society website - that has loads of useful information and may help you work out if he has Asperger's - if you have a good relationship, you may even like to suggest that he gets tested - I know someone who was diagnosed in his late 40s after a friend suggested he get it checked out.  It made life much easier for this person knowing why he found some things so difficult when other people found them easy.

Of course, it is also possible that your friend has experienced some kind of trauma that has made him shut down emotionally. 

[Dorothy]

Definitely sounds like Asperger's!

All you can do is weigh up the positives and negatives.

Maybe ask yourself if you want this to work because you care for him in spite of his differences.  Or do you want it to work because you are worried this might be your 'last chance' - I know a lot of women have a huge lack of self-esteem when they reach menopause, especially when it comes to relationships, and when I read you were concerned that you were not attractive enough or young enough for him, I wondered if that was the menopause talking?!!!  (If it is, tell it to be quiet!)

[CLKD]

How many men are you judging him on     

I have a friend who was 'strange' but we accepted his differences due to his background etc..  It was only in the last 3 years that he has been diagnosed as on the autistic spectrum.  Hasn't altered him but at least we now know  .

What do you want out of this relationship?  I'm not a fan of perfumes, aftershave, particularly in enclosed spaces i.e. theatre because it makes me nauseous.  Himself never wears aftershave.  He has autistic spectrum traits  .  Maybe this man you are with simply thinks that they are a waste of money, have you asked?  Some people aren't sexual.

Is he aware that he comes across as 'different'?

[Taz2]

Definitely does sound like Aspergers. You have to decide whether it is something you want to carry on with. It wont change. He can learn to do what you need him to do if he really wants to though although it can feel quite scripted. For instance you  may need to ask him for a hug if you are upset. There may also be a slight persecution complex where he feels that others are against him or out to get him although this wont become apparent for quite some time. One thing to remember is that in the beginning he will be trying very hard to do what is considered right in relationships but it will be difficult for him to keep this up for too long. It is a very complex condition but does have it's upside. A terrific sense of humour is usual plus he may be quite spontaneous. As you say they do find it difficult to lie but under some circumstances they can do so. A brilliant book on this is by Maxine Aston called Aspergers in Love. It is very helpful.

Taz x

[CLKD]

Think about what type of friendship you have with him: i.e. is he a go out for a drink pal, go with you to the theatre chap : was this OK initially and you now want more depth which you don't seem to get?  We can't alter people.  We can suggest that they 'do' stuff, i.e. Himself now rings me if he's likely to be late home or when he arrives somewhere …… essential to my mental health and he recognised this.  He also knew early on that if he ever came home drunk that would be 'it' and if he ever laid a hand on me I would swing for him. Otherwise we have kicked along together fairly well 

Your Man may well not recognise there is a problem however long the list of 'wants' 

[SadLynda]

I am married to one   Taken me 21 years of being together to finally 'get it', after a very bad spell last year we are now better than ever.  Apparently if you are told 'I love you' once, that is it - you know then, they have told you   Cant say its an easy road but worth it.

[booboo]

Apparently its not that uncommon & men are more likely to have it than women.. I have to say that I Have never met or had a relationship with someone with Aspergers before ..Its not easy atall - its like craving for something that someone is unable to feel/demonstrate - but at the same time knowing they care & are lovely and endearing in other ways.. Of course they think everything is fine from their perspective & they are getting from the relationship what they want/need .......It is a toughie ..

[CLKD]

Exactly - they are getting what they want/need  . 

[Ju Ju]

It's about accepting and loving who they are and as they are and not about trying to change them. And loving and accepting who you are. Not easy, when you need to be told you are loveable. Think about what your needs are and can you cope if they are not met. Be honest with yourself. Can you cope? There is no shame or blame if you can't. A friend confided in me a few years ago as she was in a similar situation. The fact that she confided showed she was not happy. She knew I would be non-judgemental. I said the same to her. I urged her to think about her responsibilities to herself and to throw 'shoulds' out of the window. She felt there was something wrong with her for not coping. She thought very deeply and decided she couldn't cope and finished the relationship.

[booboo]

Ju Ju

You are exactly right - I do love and accept him as he is and know I cant/wont change him & I would not want to change most things about him...You are also right that its " not easy" when you don't feel loveable/loved/desirable etc ... I value him a lot & we get on and enjoy each others company & would miss him terribly if we did not have contact anymore... But there are times when I have this deep feeling/yearning & sadness & of course he is totally oblivious and/or unable to be/feel/act any different towards me..