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[Justjules]

Hi ladies

This shaking is getting me down now and I'm worrying its down to something other than anxiety as I've never experienced this before.  I am sure it started a week after take the Citalopram but yesterday was awful.  It starts in the morning when I get up and my legs are so wobbly going downstairs and then I shake externally and internally until mid-morning.  I was leaning against the bedhead this morning with my cuppa and my head started to shake and all my shoulders from the pressure of leaning.  I am in work this morning and I have had a really bad hypo already, can't seem to stop it, I thought I was going to collapse when I went to the loo earlier.  I also have the runs (sorry tmi)  Have just taken my very last diazepam  so will see if it calms down but I am getting seriously scared that this could be the start of MS, motor neurone (yes, googled....) because I can't see how this muscle weakness and trembling is caused by the citalopram as I never had this with them before... I am probably being ridiculous but I can't cope with this any more.  I am half thinking shall I go to a&e (before they strike tomorrow!) or just try and see Dr?

I am wondering whether it has anything to do with the Vitamin D mega dose as I took my second one on Saturday so could be the affects from that maybe that's making it worse as it just won't pass of today?  I know Sarai was bad when she had to take her Vitamin D.

I am scared they will keep me in and do MRIs and stuff and I've always had one pupil larger than the other so they may find something nasty.  Oh heck, I've gone catastrophic again....

[CLKD]

Haven't you just  but your worries are real for you!  I suspect that it is most likely to be low blood sugar.  When did you eat B4 going to bed last night? and what is your daily diet like?  The 'runs' can make a person feel woozy and strange; yesterday I went a 'lot' and felt quite queasy afterwards  which took 30 mins. to settle.  But I know now that it *will* settle and it's because my bowel has emptied and there's a gap. 

I don't have many problems when I've taken the AD.  I take 5mg at night and 5mg at breakfast.

Eat Girl, Eat!

[Justjules]

CKLD, I ate a banana and had a glass of milk before I went to bed last night just to see if it made any difference to the early morning heart racing but it didn't.  I must admit, even though I do always eat 3 times a day, plus snacks, I have only eaten lighter meals the last few days as I haven't been as hungry.  I know what you mean about feeling washed out after being to the loo, I have that sometimes when my IBS plays up but like you say, it does settle after a while.

I read that the Vitamin D supplement can lower blood sugar if you are susceptible so I think it could be part of it.  Good job the windows in the office aren't high because I would jump out of it the way I feel today. 

How would I know if this was 'hormonal' or not - can you still be tested for low oestrogen at 59?  Would it matter now being 7 years post meno? 

[CLKD]

It could be any one of the several hormones affecting you, i.e. cortisol (?) first thing in the morning, apparently if it spikes in the early hours it can cause anxiety surges.  Bugga  .  It could be adrenaline, you are already in an anxious state and having to go to work …… is enough to cause that awful feeling.  It isn't simply sexual hormones that cause us problems but thyroid, adrenaline etc. can muck up how we feel.  If you haven't eaten - I've been the same recently, not really hungry and then preferring junk (i.e. Gu products ……… rather than bananas etc.; and yesterday I ate a lot of very sweet grapes which filled me up but not as 'food' would do ……..

I have to be SO careful otherwise 2-3 days later my body makes demands on my energy levels = anxiety 

Get another banana down you ;-). 

[coldethyl]

Stay off google. I get something similar. I feel like I'm vibrating inside some days and it is very disconcerting. Sometimes my blood sugar is low but usually not. I think it's just one of those things, a combination of hormonal fluctuations and anxiety. At the minute I've a bunged ear which is making me feel off balance and I get the nausea some days .. Its easy to think it's a brain tumour, MS etc as worrying is our default position but it is far more likely to be anxiety. Anxiety is the great mimicker - have you ever read anxiety centre website - just the symptoms list- when our bodies are under stress all the stress hormones play havoc with every bodily system and the list of side effects are endless. I don't know what to suggest as you seem in such distress but from the outside it looks like symptom shifting due to anxiety to me. Only a few days ago it was your heart , now it's neurological. I've been there , done that and an still wearing the tshirt so you have my sympathy. Only you can break this habit - it may be that you need to see your GP and discuss whether post meno HRT might help, though from reading on here, it doesn't always help with anxiety and depression. I'd be inclined to see my GP and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist who would be able to look at different medication, sort therapy out with a psychologist or refer you to a specialist centre with greater expertise than your local mental health team.

[Halfpint]

Oh Jules, I really do feel for you. I don't know how I would cope with working full time and having anxiety. Have you ever thought it's just as you wake  you are so worried you're going to have the racing heart and they other symptoms everyday that it is just the anxiety kicking in again? It's all pyschological and that clever bugger 'anxiety' can make you experience symptoms.
I get the shaking thing and the internal shaking. My mother also started with the internal shaking after my Dad died. It went on for quite a while, so is no doubt anxiety related.
You are very naughty for googling, especially in your current state. I have stopped googling so  much since finding so many on here with similar anxiety problems.
The runs is down to your anxiety and that exacerbates your IBS. I only work 3 mornings a week. When I started this job, every day I was at work, I had the runs upto 3 times before I went to work but once there, I was fine. This went on for about six months and luckily has calmed down but I know it was because of my anxiety.
I met a lady with MS on my holiday, she was such a lovely woman. She said she doesn't let it beat her. Plus MS is not life threatening. As for motor neurone..I just looked at the symptoms of that and as far as I can tell, you aren't experiencing any of them.
Sorry to laugh at your one pupil larger than the other...my whole left side has everything larger than the other...pupil, breast, foot! I really do feel for you Jules but as a fellow sufferer, I can tell you hand on heart that all of this is your anxiety and you have no life threatening illness.
To put your mind at rest, why don't you go to the GP and ask about the problems you have on a morning?  As I say, I can't imagine working full time with my anxiety, so no doubt working is increasing your anxiety as you obviously panic about what happens if you're having an attack at work. Perhaps the Dr can sign you off again?
Rather than google, just post on here as often as you like and hopefully your fellow sufferers can reassure you.
xx

[Justjules]

Coldethyl, thanks.  I read about the 'vibrating' feeling as it seems a lot of anxious or meno symptoms can be this but this is more of a muscle weakness trembling.  I know, I will speak to the GP and see what she suggests.  I know you're right - I do swap around worrying about different things but it's just one thing after another now.  I don't know what's going on with me at the moment, I've been bad since the Sertraline episode and just can't get right.  I have a wedding to go to Sunday night and supposed to be going to Manchester overnight with DH on Friday and he'll go mad when I tell him I won't be going - just can't face it and he's so unsympathetic so I won't feel bad as I don't feel 'safe' being there and feeling so rubbish in the morning in a hotel. 

[Justjules]

Hi Halfpint - I'm a bloomin wreck at the moment.  I handled the racing heart this morning by telling it to 'bugger off' basically and it helped - did manage to get back to sleep and each time I woke, said the same thing and so was pleased with myself but then was really bad when I got up so then the whole cycle got out of hand so by the time I came into work, it was at it's height.  I think I would be worse just sat at home at the moment as I definitely would just loll around and worry more.  I daren't take any more time off sick as they have definitely paid my quota of full pay and so would only get SSP and that would then add to my anxiety even more.  There's a root cause of all this somewhere in my brain and I need to find it I think as the thought of being like this for the rest of my life is unbearable.

I've just taken my last diazepam and it's easing off but now I am panicking I haven't any more.....don't think Dr will let me have any either as I've been on and off them since Christmas and they aren't good to be on long term. 

I don't know what I'd do if I didn't vent on here....I used to go on 'No More Panic' but that used to make me feel much worse not better.  At least there are plenty of rationale people on here who are kind enough to respond and try to help. x

[coldethyl]

jj, the trouble with cancelling your plans is that you just reinforce the idea that there is something wrong with you. I'd say try and go to Manchester. If you feel bad at least it's a big city with excellent hospitals!! I don't mean that flippantly as I feel safest when I know there is an a and e near by. If you let your world shrink, anxiety will never stop at not going to Manchester.. Next it'll be not going to the cinema, or the supermarket etc. My aunt was convinced she had cancer or some serious stomach issue and took to her bed( with hindsight in the perimenopause) in her late 40s. She refused to believe that her problem was an anxiety one and sadly after her husband had a heart attack and died, she ended up in a care home where she died at 60. My mum also had agoraphobia but she kept battling away, taking one step forward and several back over the years. She is off to Prague next month. I know who I'd rather copy. Don't let this beat you. Go to the doctors and demand help. Not for all the possible illnesses you fear you might have, but for the one you do have - health anxiety. There are centres of excellence such as the Maudsley that specialise in dealing with ocd and health anxiety and it maybe that you need to think about that level of help if antidepressants and counselling aren't helping much.

[Halfpint]

I agree with coldethyl...DO NOT let it beat you. By not going to Manchester, you are giving into it. Now I know how you feel as I have often cancelled things and then straight away my anxiety eases but the last year or so, I have been making a conscious effort to not give into it and face my fears. This included getting a job after not working for a very long time. I also used to cancel a lot when due to meet friends but I now force myself to go and to events like weddings etc...and the amazing thing is, as soon as I get there, my anxiety eases and I end up enjoying myself.
My worst fear was that I was letting the anxiety make me more or less a recluse. I think the worst thing you could do is cancel your weekend plans. Then it becomes a vicious circle of you believing that your anxiety will lessen if you don't go to places.
I would love to know the root cause of my anxiety as well but having had it now going on 40 odd years, I suppose it's like my 'old friend' but a very annoying friend at that! I have learnt to rationalise it  and as I have mentioned before, I do not take any medication for it but that's my personal choice after reading far too many forums etc where people said the medication made them feel worse. It's a long hard slog to feeling better, but at the moment, you are in a dark place but there is light at the end of the tunnel..
You are right, it's better for you to be at work than at home but in the same instance, it's better for you to go away at the weekend with your husband than stay at home wallowing in your anxiety. I have found that if I keep busy and keep my mind occupied and if I sleep well (not easy with menopause) and eat well and exercise (walking) then I do feel a lot better but of course my anxiety is always there peeping over my shoulder but I try my hardest to brush it off and tell it to 'bugger off'.
x

[CLKD]

It isn't letting it 'beat' anything, it's about handling the anxiety surges to the best of our ability.  It isn't giving in, it's about being aware of what we can/not cope with !  Of course one might feel OK when 1 gets to the venue but is the preceding anxiety worth it? 

Do speak to your GP about more Valium.  Explain that you are using it as required, which he/she will see from records.  If mine stopped my emergency meds. I would jump off a cliff which would be a total waste of the last few years  whereas knowing that they do work when necessary, enables me.  For me, continual anxiety is life threatening.

Do what is 'right' for you, stop trying to please others.  If DH doesn't like it, tuff! he shouldn't be relying on you to have a good time himself! Don't say you won't go, see how you feel on the morning of the journey.  If you can get as far as Manchester, all well and good.  But would it be better to stay at home where you can relax than looking over your shoulder all the while?  I have made up my mind that if I can't cope in the week leading up to an event, then I don't go! then the anxiety lessens which enables me to do the essentials!

[Justjules]

Coldethyl, if DH was a teeny bit supportive I would manage it a lot better but he's not so that in itself makes the anxiety worse. I don't want to give into it but feeling bad like I do at the moment makes it impossible to enjoy it. What else can the GP do but refer me to more CBT, a psychiatrist (who will fill me full of more drugs) or a local mental health team which I had experience of many years ago and never again....sorry to be so negative but feel like I will always be stuck like this and it frightens me. I am calm sat here tonight but dreading bedtime as the whole scenario will start again in the morning...and yes, I know, that's 'anticipatory anxiety'!!

Halfpint, I admire you for coping without any meds. I didn't think I would need them again but Dr did once say I would probably benefit from a 'maintenance dose' for life as I can't remember a time when I didn't feel low constantly. I wish I had gone down the HRT route years ago instead. I try to rationalise it as much as I can but the fear is the default with me so I end up failing all the time.  Today has been particularly bad, but I survived again, so hopefully my brain will accept this and give me a break!

Thanks, appreciate your thoughts and responses very much. X

[Halfpint]

My husband is similar. He shouts at me which makes me worse.
Glad you got through the day. I always say to myself 'well I got through it' and give myself a pat on the back.
I hope you wake tomorrow feeling less anxious x

[CLKD]

You are NOT giving in to anything!  You are suffering anxiety, which although 'natural' in that it's the prehistoric flight/fight response which keeps us alive, is currently in over-drive.  Would you consider it 'giving in' if you had a tummy bug or broken leg!  Until the public get rid of this idea that mental health issues are controllable, the stigma will never go away  .  Knowing that it's 'natural' has never helped me, once the anxiety takes over ………. it literally floors me.  Which is why I need the anti-anxiety medication.  Not every time I get anxious but if it begins to spiral ……..

As for your husband not being supportive - why are you still together  .  Is he afraid of illness so buries his head or does he believe that that bullying makes the situation better?  I'm not good when people are ill ………. never have been >sigh<  but having had my problems I can now be less judgemental.

Fear is all controlling.  I thought for years that I would never feel 'normal' again  but with support from my Husband and GP and accepting that I HAVE to take low maintenance dose of AD for Life, enables me.  For years before going on holiday I would pack weeks in advance in case panic over took me so that I was unable to do so.  That at least was then out of the way  .  Learning coping skills can help.

[Lizab]

Justjules, I think I know how you feel. My "anxiety" was so bad months ago they my legs felt like they wouldn't hold me. Sometimes standing in the shower was a chore. I trembled constantly. I could walk or I could lie down, but sitting still or standing still was nearly impossible. I was convinced that I had something else neurological going on. Added estrogen has helped most of the physical manifestations of my "anxiety" but mentally I'm still often wrecked. I'm not so weak and trembling as I was, now I'm only hyper-emotional. And it switches on out of nowhere. I've tried to pay attention to triggers. Sure, being nervous or stressed about something can do it, but often times I wake in the morning with no plans to do anything but work and play around the house and the unsettled feeling is there. It's very uncomfortable. Then I think about how miserable it feels and wonder of it will ever subside so I can be normal again and I melt into tears. I have read about the not giving into it idea that changing plans only reinforces it, but I'm not sure I buy that. I do what I'm comfortable doing when I feel I will succeed. Last week I tried to push beyond my comfort level. I already knew I was having a nervy day, but tried to ignore it and push on. I failed miserably, and I think that failure set me back more than bailing out to begin with would have.  I am doing more now than I had been doing. I'm doing everything I possibly can. It just happens that a lot of things are impossible for me right now. I am sick and tired of this, and I don't know what you should do, other than as CLKD says, do what feels right to you. My husband has been very supportive. He's doing everything for my family now and not complaining. But I still feel the pressure to get back to the routine and carry my weight. I asked him if he could help me take the kids to the doctor appointment that I had to reschedule from my failed attempt last week. He didn't tell me that I need to get myself together. He stated the fact that he is very busy at work this week but he would try. It was pure, nonjudgmental fact, but I took it as extreme pressure to get my act together. Although it helps to have a supportive husband, unless he can turn this mental stuff around, all the support in the world doesn't relieve the pressure we put on ourselves. I'm not saying you're putting too much pressure on yourself. I know I am not aspiring to end world hunger or anything, I would just like to be able to hop in the car and run to the park on a nice day without giving it a second thought. I am avoiding the ADs as long as I can, because I see where so many women have trouble adjusting to them and getting the right ones, and later coming off of them, just like hrt. To me it seems like yet another set of levels and dosages to contend with. I will try them eventually if in time this doesn't work out. What CLKD said about the other hormones, I have my thyroid levels tested, and I plan to ask about cortisol. Part of my hesitancy about the ADs is that they don't test anything to determine that physiologically I need an AD. They can test my sex hormones, thyroid, adrenals, vitamin D, etc but the ADs feels like a stab in the dark for the ADs. Anyhow, I'm rambling but wanted to give you a little support and let you know you're not alone.