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[Justjules]

Well after being off again last week after my holiday, going back on phased return of half a day for next two weeks. Asked for afternoon as mornings are so rubbish. Had a massive, what I assume was some sort of panic attack yesterday morning when I got up. Heart racing, shaking, sweating.....don't know whether it was just the though of work and the fact that I am still feeling so guilty for not being in much lately. I am waking up every morning with a racing heart and hot flush, so still worried that it because I am not on the BBs anymore and have convinced myself that my heart needs them but this morning managed to control it better this morning with rescue remedy and telling myself not to be stupid, that it's all psychological but I am still very shaky. Day 8 of the Citalopram so hoping that kicks in soon. Had a blood test for vitamin D and Magnesium on Thursday and surgery rang to say Dr wanted a telephone appointment on Thursday to speak to me about my vitamin D levels so went into meltdown about that....gotta get some control over this stupid panic.

To top it all, my son was speaking to my daughter the other day and she told him how ridiculous it was that I have been off work and that she avoids me as apparently I 'drain' her with my negativity! I was really upset about that. My sons are both very supportive but I am very hurt as I was there for her for a year when she split up with her husband and am just called on for babysitting services now as she has her new man and we hardly see her and the kids, which I suppose is normal, but I am still hurt.

Ah well, that's my moan over with for this morning....gotta get ready to go in and face the office...gulp..

[coldethyl]

Sorry you are feeling so anxious. It will take a while for the citalopram to build up to therapeutic levels and you are going to need to practice alternative methods such as your rescue remedy and breathing exercises to help cope with the racing heart now you are off BBs.
Children can be insensitive. I actually think you need to have a word with your daughter or get one of your sons to have a quiet chat and point out that support is a two way street and that you were there for her and still are but that you also need some understanding and respect. It sounds as if she is quite selfish just expecting you to babysit but be largely ignored the rest of the time. I'd be inclined to say no next time just to show that you have your own life and that she can't make use of you.

[Kathleen]

Hello Justjules.


Good luck for this afternoon, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. These days I panic at the drop of a hat so I understand how you feel.

Maybe your daughter feels frustrated that she can't help you and being reminded of that can be wearing. I complain constantly to my husband but I've told him I don't expect anything from him, I just need to moan!

Wishing you well and keep us updated.

Take care.

K.

[CLKD]

Perhaps DS should have kept Big Gob Shut 

Next time daughter asks for babysitting help tell her you are already engaged.  No need to justify, if she 'keeps on' tell her it's not up for discussion and the decision is still 'no'!

I understand that lurch, it happens to me if I am out of routine >sigh<.

[Halfpint]

Good luck JustJules. I have been worrying myself silly all weekend about something that happened at work on Friday and was dreading going back this morning. I have had sleepless nights all weekend and constantly going over it all in my head. Well the phrase 'it's never as bad as you think it's going to be' was true today as everything was OK today and now I'm annoyed with myself that I ruined my weekend panicking about it all. I was even going to hand my notice in but my husband told me not to be stupid!

I think your racing heart etc is still just your anxiety. I wouldn't worry about the Dr  wanting to telephone you to discuss your results. My husband got  a letter saying Dr wanted to discuss his blood tests over telephone but it did say not to worry as if it was anything urgent the Dr would not have sent the letter and instead phoned him immediately. Anyway, it was that his cholestorol is slightly high and he has to try and lose weight and exercise. If your Vitamin D levels are low well that's not a bad thing and if they give you some vitamins, it should improve how you feel.

As for your daughter. I have a family member like your daughter who says all I do is moan and she just doesn't understand my anxiety at all. I try not to see or speak to her as much anymore as everytime I do, she stresses me out with how she talks down to me. I think your daughter is being selfish and I agree with coldethyl that you should ask your sons to have a quiet word with her. Next time she asks you to babysit I would ask if she's sure about that as you wouldn't want to pass your 'negativity' on to her child!

[limpy]

Perhaps DS should have kept Big Gob Shut 

Huh - Thought the DS was being supportive of JJ "My sons are both very supportive"
What's he done wrong 

JJ's DD sounds a bit fed up "she avoids me as apparently I 'drain' her with my negativity!"
Perhaps not surprising - Negativity is awfully draining when it just keeps on and.......................
 

[babyjane]

My negativity drains me so I dread to think what it does to my family.  I am so glad I got help and it was my son who drew my attention to the fact something wasn't right.  I am still not right but I am getting there, and hopefully my family will soon be able to forget how I have been and enjoy a less negative mother experience.

[Taz2]

I think the son should have encouraged the daughter to speak to JJ herself rather than pass the message on but families are all different.

JJ - if your vitamin D levels are low then this could very well account for your low mood and feelings of fatigue and negativity. A few weeks of treatment and you may well be feeling much better and able to cope with much more of the stuff life throws at us.

The first few weeks of an SSRI can also lead to experiencing those panicky feelings you mention until your system gets used to it

Taz x 

[babyjane]

I agree with everything Taz2 has said from my own experience.

My son voiced his concerns to me personally, he took me out for a coffee at Costa and he was kind and non judgemental so I listened instead of getting my back up.  I was lucky that he has studied psychology and knew how to approach the subject.

My vitamin D levels are low and I have a vitamin D spray now that Taz2 recommended.  This morning I managed to walk home from town after I missed the bus (1.5 miles)

I am also in the initial stages of an SSRI for a panic disorder and yes, the jittery anxious feelings are intensifying but I know now that this is just my system readjusting and I look forward to maybe attending a family wedding instead of avoiding it.

[coldethyl]

At the risk of upsetting folks, I've been at both sides of the anxiety coin... My mum had severe anxiety  throughout my childhood and spent my teenage years struggling with Valium addiction and withdrawal, lying on sofa sobbing that she wanted to die. It wasn't pleasant bit no way as bad as having anxiety 24/7 I assure you. Yes we can be self-absorbed because we are scared of everything and everyone and think death or disaster around every corner but in my experience, I've found folks with all manner of ailments equally as obsessive and self- absorbed. It seems part of a chronic condition. I think Jj!0's daughter would have been better having the conversation with her mum herself - she must have known or suspected her brother would pass it on if he is closer to his mum? It would be an opportunity for her to say her piece and then for Jj to try and explain how she is feeling - sometimes it is ignorance of the kind of thoughts and feelings that accompany anxiety that make people think we can just snap out of it. If she still felt the same after a chat, then I'd be focussing my attention on planning my recovery rather than trying to suit her x

[babyjane]

People pleasing and 'what will they think' has only served to keep me in the chains of anxiety most of my life.  Only now am I finding the way out.

[CLKD]

"To top it all, my son was speaking to my daughter the other day and she told him how ridiculous it was that I have been off work and that she avoids me as apparently I 'drain' her with my negativity!  … "  Limpy, if DS is supportive, he ought to have considered how telling on his sister would affect his Mum! The biggest problem is losing contact with the grandchildren 

How did today go ?

Good post Coldethyl 

[coldethyl]

I can understand that StellaJane. I try to lessen the impact on my family and OH in particular by sitting upstairs a lot or going out into town on own in the afternoon so they can have some down time. I'm aware how my illness impacts on others and think that the fact your mum wasn't able to was possibly nothing to do with being anxious and more to do with just how she was. My nana was like that and expected life to revolve around her wishes. She wasn't especially anxious just used to getting own way. In my limited experience ( myself and my son who also suffers from anxiety) people with anxiety try to be people pleasers or cope long past their ability to cope which is why when things come crashing down  families find it hard to cope as they are used to the poorly person being the fixer. As BJ says, it's only by realising that such behaviour is at root of al lot of our problems that we start the journey to recovery x

[Justjules]

Thanks for all your comments, good and bad! Everyone is entitled to an opinion. Turned out to be an awful day all round. Got to work, although anxious, did my best but was so shaky, typing made it worse and I really just didn't want to be in there. Had a really bad panic attack as soon as I left the office....was awful, trying to get to car park, I nearly had to stop and ask someone for help as I thought I couldn't get much further as my heart was racing and then bumping...got in car and had to ring son to calm me down as deep breathing wasn't doing it.

I take on board what people say about being around someone with anxiety being draining but I do try and put a face on it as much as I can but families have ups and downs and should be there to support each other. My daughter is selfish in a lot in other ways. My son was just very cross with her attitude. My granddaughter aged 15 suffers with anxiety and has done since a small child so my daughter hopefully will be a bit more caring with her.

Coldethyl, I am a people pleaser and yes, reached my coping ability just before Christmas but struggled on and have crashed since.


Stella, you are very fortunate you don't suffer from anxiety as it can be hell and believe me, I don't do anything for the attention and try to help myself as much as I can but if I'd have turned to my daughter when she 'drained' me with her weeping and wailing when she split from her husband and me constantly having her and the kids for meals and supporting as much as I could and said 'do you know what, I've really had enough now' what sort of person would that have made me? She used to suffer with OCD and was never very happy in herself, doesn't have friends really that she has ever supported or been able to rely on so she has no empathy which I think is a shame. She is very wrapped up in her lovely new life, hence mum's problems are of no interest really.

Yes, my negativity gets me down and I wish I could be different, I am trying every day but the fear overtakes everything and I can't move past it sometimes. I think the change in all the meds hasn't helped.

Thanks x

[Halfpint]

You did get through it though Jules, so hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Your daughter is selfish. You should tell her what you just wrote here.  when my Dad died, I found it draining dealing with my mum's down moods and grief but I would never have dreamt of ignoring her but others in my family did. My mother was there for me growing up so now I can be there for her.

I wouldn't wish anxiety on my worst enemy. It's a shame some people can't understand it better  x