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[CLKD]

I totally agree with that Teresa: but cutting out methods of contact i.e. FaceBook is working backwards to lessening the ways of possible contact.  If necessary throw mobiles out too ………… if I thought DH was ……….. his mobile would get thrown into the Lake when he next went fishing  and he would have one that only phoned home 

This time of year throws up all kinds of upsets 

[CLKD]

Starting the dialogue is important - "let's get rid of FaceBook for a while so that we can concentrate on any problems" ……….. social media should be the 1st thing that is used less and less in order to engage in face-2-face conflict ………….

[CLKD]

I don't understand upheaval  - I've seen it in action and worked with a Psychologist ;-) - communication is key!

[jorainbow]

Dear all - back again after a lovely break with my family. Still confused angry and unsure but having spoken to my sister and a close friend, certain in the knowledge that if I decide to let this relationship go I'll be ok! He's still apologising,  we're still talking though he doesn't like it when I make comments about what happened as if I'm taking the proverbial out of him - it's as if when I'm 'Ok' it's a threat? Very odd. I'm yet to speak to the nurse but I will. He's not used his Facebook at all (she's now blocked) but getting rid won't help here as they work together. I'm not prepared to get rid as I keep up with my eldests travels (just arrived in LA where he will surprise his girlfriend when she flies in in a couple of days) but I'm limiting time on it and reading more which is something I kept saying I'd so do thats a positive. Its made me take a big step towards addressing my increasing anxiety levels as well and that won't be easy. 

[clio]

I really dont know how I would react if I was faced with something like this.  I have been betrade in the past with a previous partner but to be honest I knew in the back of my mind he wasnt right for me plus I knew he was a cheat and a liar, didnt walk away until I was ready to except it.  I do think you need to take the time to think it through before you make any decisions, I wish you well.

Clio

[Taz2]

There are some interesting comments and points of view on this thread. I can see that this is a really upsetting situation but if someone is going to cheat then nothing will stop them. There is always a reason though which needs to be addressed and hopefully talked through so that you can either continue together or go your separate ways knowing what went wrong. Blocking someone on facebook, taking away mobile phones etc. just doesn't work. There are so many ways and means nowadays of keeping in touch with people from buying a pay as you go phone to setting up fake facebook accounts. To look at someone elses facebook messages or emails shows just how much trust has been lost. I don't think that it's acceptable to do this in a grown up relationship - it's like opening someone elses mail. I would find it horrible to think that someone was with me purely because I had them on such a short rein that their life had ceased to be their own.

I'm glad you had a good Christmas jorainbow and hope that your conversation with the nurse goes well and gives you some answers although be prepared to possibly hear things you would rather not. Let us know how it all goes.

Taz x

[Ju Ju]

Yes, I agree, take your time.

But ask yourself some questions. 

How do you feel when you are with your partner? Do you feel valued, loved and respected? Do you value, love and respect him? Do you champion each other or do you find fault with each other?  Are you with him because you want to be around him or because you are running away from yourself? Are you scared of being on your own?

Maybe developing a loving relationship with yourself is your first step, whether you stay in this relationship or not. You are lovely as you are, nothing to prove or change. When you accept and respect yourself as you are, you expect that acceptance and respect from others and you get it from most people and if not you walk away because you know you do not deserve less. That is their problem. It is about them, not you.

[jorainbow]

Thanks again for your words and advice. Up until that day I felt amazing and happy to be with him but when I picked him up from work he was different. That's the day it happened. I have accepted I have been more anxious and stressed but he himself said that was not an excuse for what he did. I brought up my boys alone for 10 years so being alone doesn't bring any issues. I have a good job loving family and circle of friends and following my divorce purposefully steered clear of relationships  so I didn't get into a relationship just because I was lonely etc.  My boys are 27 and 21 so I don't need to be with anyone. I'm probably over independent if anything something he has mentioned and I am aware of. I don't as a rule look at his phone - that was gut instinct.  I'll certainly think about some of the comments and I agree totally that if you want to have a fling it'll happen no amount of blocking etc would matter a jot. He's aware I may contact the nurse and if he is being economical with the truth hell be found out. I may. I may not as at the minute I'm still in a state of flux. However I do feel calmer and on a positive I've had no bladder issues for the last couple of weeks!!!

[Ju Ju]

Being independent is not a fault, just don't block others need to care for you. There is never an excuse for your partners behaviour, but that doesn't mean he can't be forgiven. Take your time. Consider all angles. Maybe with him. Sometimes people are scared of being happy. They don't trust it. They sabotage their own happiness before something else does. Take your time. Your partner may wish to put this behind him, but there are consequences......the loss of your trust. For that to have any chance of healing, he needs to examine why he behaved as he has.

[CLKD]

When is he due for a holiday from work?  Could you have a long weekend somewhere neutral?  Walks.  Talking.  Sitting quietly.  Remembering why you are 2-gether. 

My 1st question would be: Is he doing this to get out of the relationship?  The answer will allow you to move on.

[Dorothy]

Reading your posts, it seems like you had - or seemed to have - a good relationship until this happened.  Would you consider marriage counselling?  Or is there someone you can both trust to talk things through with? 

I've had friends who have been through similar situations who have come through with a relationship that was stronger than before because they have used it as an opportunity to build their marriage into something better.  Others have decided to separate.  But in each case, taking things slowly, talking over decisions and avoiding resentment and bitterness have allowed them to heal and move on.  Hope things work out for you as you look for a way forward.  Hugs x

[CLKD]

It is how you approach the problem - rather than nagging, saying something along the lines of 'when you said that it made me feel ……… did you realise how I would feel when you were being chatty with her ………. what can I do to improve so that you don't have to keep being chatty with her …….. ' even if it isn't about 'you' as such 

[jorainbow]

I'm so grateful from the support from everyone thank you. Not the best day today - I'm quite shocked at how angry I am with her. Probably because I've not said how I feel and it's going round and round in my head. Even resorted to cleaning to try distract myself!! I asked if it was because he wanted out of our relationship and he said no. He doesn't know why it happened.  Not sure about that but we are talking. Spent an hour last night swimming and in the sauna. Not talking about what happened but just chatting. I'm taking each day at a time and concentrating on my health and well being. A bit of TLC xx

[CLKD]

Oh I remember the angry cleaning really well!  Mum started that one  ………… I was so angry with her that I lost my voice for 3 weeks 

Chemistry can be powerful too.  A little bit of attention and there may be a spark ……… isn't that how every friendship turns into a relationship?  Think about what you want 

2 things I always ask anyone who is dithering: if your man told you to pack your Passport, two pairs of clean knickers and a toothbrush - would you go without hesitation?  Also, how would you feel if he dropped dead ……… no need to share but your gut reaction might tell you a lot!

[jorainbow]

Happy New Year to all you lovely ladies 😊😊😊 I got my response from the nurse who thirty minutes after i told her who I was just wrote the words 'he told me he had split up with his partner'. No apology for any upset caused. He still denies it as 'why would he lie when he knew I was going to contact her and the truth would come out anyway. Honestly I'm not sure, more importantly I've spent enough energy on it so I'll spend the next few weeks deciding where I'm putting my energy. We're actually getting on brilliantly like we used to but there's a bit of me holding back. Will update after my scan on Tuesday but things oddly have settled there too for the time being at least!!!  Today is about a long dog walk and a hot date with The Sound Of Music - enjoy your day whatever you do! !!!