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[honorsmum]

You did what felt right and comfortable for you. Do not hesitate to follow through if she sends another letter. As you say, this lady is in a bad way. She is hurting and hitting out at other people. She saw you as a convenient victim, but don't be. And yes, avoid her. Well why would you want to be near her? You have responded with kindness. Well done!

Thanks you, Ju Ju. I think that is my problem - I just can't be nasty, even when someone has treated me in a nasty way.

[honorsmum]

Thank you, Brightlight.
I think we're both similar personalities. Certainly my experiences sound very similar to yours - I know I am prone to worry, but hate it when that becomes the focus of any doctor's appointment. It would be great to find an empathetic Gp - I have heard good things about a couple at my new surgery, so fingers crossed.

[Ju Ju]

Thanks you, Ju Ju. I think that is my problem - I just can't be nasty, even when someone has treated me in a nasty way.
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And that is a beautiful quality to have. You are empathetic; you realise that others behave badly because of the pain they are in. You do not hit out and create further problems.

But do put boundaries in and look after yourself. Action when things go too far eg if another letter comes hang it over to the police. But I suspect you won't receive anymore. It sounds like she didn't get the reaction she wanted.

Now seek the medical help you need and deserve. Do not be apologetic for seeking help. Doctors are being paid to help you the patient. As I said before, the new young doctors I have seen have been helpful and keen to help. Even consultants have been kind and respectful. ( I rather fancied the bowel consultant, I saw. Very dreamy, despite examining me in places I would rather keep to myself!) You can help to be clear about what is worrying you.

[honorsmum]

I have made an appointment to see a young (I think) male doctor today. I'm going to try my best not to get emotional...fingers crossed!

Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom and support - sisterhood at its best.x

[honorsmum]

Thank you, sparkle.

Just got back. He wasn't as young as I expected, but pleasant all the same. After asking  symptoms, he asked what my worry was - to which I replied ovarian cancer. He was very sympathetic, saying that that was every woman's fear. He asked a few more questions and then examined my abdomen thoroughly. He mentioned the possibility of an internal examination but didn't offer it today; he suspects my discomfort is more likely to be Crohn's or IBS related.
So, I am to see how things go over the next few weeks and make another appointment if things persist.

I am half relieved, half not - it's good to know he doesn't appear worried, but of course I'm worried he might be mistaken (my health anxiety loves to play tricks on me!)

[honorsmum]

Sparkle, I definitely think we are cut from the same cloth. 
I like to think I am rational, but when anything about my health causes concern, all rationality flies out the window! I'm the same about my children, except that I can give myself a break from any problems they may have, because I don't have to experience it directly, if that makes sense - if I get a pain, I dwell on it 24/7, whereas if I can't feel their pain, I can stop worrying quite so relentlessly and think about other things from time to time.
With abdominal issues, there's really no escape, is there? It's the very core of your body. I had IBS years before I was diagnosed with Crohn's but it never worried me in the same way. I think having my Crohn's misdiagnosed for so long was the turning point for me, and triggered health anxiety.

Will Christmas be enough of a distraction to stop your fretting about your ENT appointment? Or will it get in the way and you won't enjoy it? This time last year, I was having tachycardia problems and the resulting anxiety ruined Christmas for me. I really want to be able to enjoy it this year, for my children's sake.

[Ju Ju]

Do you think the root of health anxiety is the fear of death? Something to think about......a question that was posed to me.

[honorsmum]

Definitely, JuJu. My dad spent 6 months in ICU with severe acute pancreatitis, which his GP missed, before having his machines switched off. During that 6 months, I saw the mental and physical torture he went through - he begged us to let him die.
Last year, I lost a friend to breast cancer aged 38. She knew she was going to die for a year. She knew she wasn't going to see her children grow up. Watching her go through it was torture.

8 years ago this week, I was car jacked at knife point. While it was happening, I actually experienced the sense of "this is where my life ends." In the weeks following, my GP at the time told me I needed to put it down to "Fifteen minutes of bad luck" and move on. People told me it was a one in a million chance that it had happened, as if it should be some comfort, but it only served to make me think that if that could happen to me, ANYTHING could happen, no matter how remote the chances.
I don't even think it's death itself that frightens me, more the process that takes you there.

[BrightLight]

Another empathetic person here, our responses are very similar. Well done for giving the GP a visit and I'm glad it was an OK experience even if you couldn't get the definitive sense of peace you want.

I do hope all of us can somehow put these unknowns aside for Christmas but its challenging isn't it?

Death is a fear for me but more about hidden things that I can't prepare for. There is a direct link to the deaths of both my parents which were unexpected and other situations throughout life that provoked similar startle and shock responses in me. It's traumatic stress and its a very hard response to manage, your brain literally gets muddled with such high anxiety. I'm having treatment for it and with each new exposure to the dreaded 'feelings' which mainly come in response to medical stuff, I think its getting a bit better.

So maybe that helps? To know that we can't avoid health and managing it or the reality of things but a lot of the time the anxiety clouds reality, which I'm sure all of us can deal with when we have too. It's so tiring.

Honorsmum would it help to make notes of symptoms so you can reference it to help slow down thinking and worrying when your mind gets fixed on a a particular worry? Make the list and go back to GP in a few weeks and decide what to do next then?

Here's hoping we can live in the moment over Christmas.  Singing with my choir tonight, feel I want to hide in a corner at home but know that's not useful, singing is

[BrightLight]

Thanks Sparkle - singing has the ability to reset me entirely, I feel completely whole at the end of it. 

The startle response sets us up to magnify the already very human reaction, that we want to avoid pain and suffering.  When that switch is primed, it's as if we are wanting and trying so hard to avoid what we can't avoid really.  It's so hard for me to accept this, that if I can't change something, I can't change it, if something 'bad' is going to happen, I cannot always avoid it.  It is a grown up reality - but I think if you have come close to 'death' or been around it or anything else that puts that possibility right in front of you, you CAN set up this startle response which is just horrible to experience when perhaps you don't really need to.  It is a genuine mechanism but it's hard not to want rid of it or sometimes feel ashamed or 'silly'.  I like that other people are willing to share their humanness - it's real. xx