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[traceymack]

Hi everyone

I'm new to the forum, so apologies if this question has been discussed before and I haven't noticed it.

I'm 43 and have always wanted another child, but the three times I did fall pregnant after having my son I miscarried. Now I am in peri menopause I am aware that there is little chance now of having another child. I feel very sad about this, and is really dragging me down.

I know I must seem very selfish, because I do have an adult son, but I just can't seem to get past this at the moment. My son is autistic, and there is very little chance of grandchildren. I had a fantastic relationship with my own granny, and looked forward so much to having grandchildren of my own. Now I know this isn't going to happen I feel very sad.

Other women in my office are coming in with the news that they are going to be a granny, and although I am genuinely pleased for them, I can't help but feel envious. This makes me feel like I am a horrible person 

Again, please understand that I feel very blessed with my son, and I know that there are people who, despite dearly wanting them, did not manage to have children at all.

Has anyone else felt like this, and how did you cope?

Tracey x

[honeybun]

You are not a horrible person, you are quite normal.

I'm 54 and have two kids, one 26 and one 20. My son, the older one says he never wants kids and my daughter is very unsure so I might not ever be a granny either.

Would you consider fostering. There are a lot of kids in need of a family, or adopting. They have relaxed the rules with regards to age now I think.

I know how it feels to loose a baby. My daughter died at five days old. It's not something that you really ever get over so you have my sympathy.

Try just to live for now and enjoy your son.


Honeyb
X

[Greenfields]

Hi everyone

I'm new to the forum, so apologies if this question has been discussed before and I haven't noticed it.

I'm 43 and have always wanted another child, but the three times I did fall pregnant after having my son I miscarried. Now I am in peri menopause I am aware that there is little chance now of having another child. I feel very sad about this, and is really dragging me down.

I know I must seem very selfish, because I do have an adult son, but I just can't seem to get past this at the moment. My son is autistic, and there is very little chance of grandchildren. I had a fantastic relationship with my own granny, and looked forward so much to having grandchildren of my own. Now I know this isn't going to happen I feel very sad.

Other women in my office are coming in with the news that they are going to be a granny, and although I am genuinely pleased for them, I can't help but feel envious. This makes me feel like I am a horrible person 

Again, please understand that I feel very blessed with my son, and I know that there are people who, despite dearly wanting them, did not manage to have children at all.

Has anyone else felt like this, and how did you cope?

Tracey x

You are not a horrible person.  You are grieving a loss of fertility and the opportunity to have more children and to have grandchildren - the feeling's you are having are perfectly normal.  I never had children and I really grieved when I hit the age you were and especially as my 40's progressed ... there was a real sense of a door closing on something that I would have liked to have had happen.  I had support through counselling - you might find it helpful to talk over your feelings with a counsellor if you can find somebody that's helpful for you.

For myself, I'm not sure the feeling's have ever completely gone away but I don't now dwell on what might have been in the way that I used to.  Time helped.  Counselling helped.  And my marriage ended ... and at that point I think I was glad I didn't have the added complication of kids with me.

Be kind to yourself.

Hugs xxx

[Rebelyell]

I totally sympathise.   You are not a horrible person.  I had my two children in my 30s, and if they follow my lead and leave it that long I could well be in my early 70s and may not be able to fully enjoy grandchildren. 

I also would have liked another child, but my OH didn't. 

I agree that fostering is a potential route forward, although it can be very harrowing and if [like me] it is the indulgent side of grannyhood you long for, then it won't really help.

Don't feel bad for feeling bad.

[Briony]

You're not alone and how you feel is totally understandable.

I am the same age as you and in peri menopause, but have not been fortunate enough to have a child (only miscarriage).

It has taken me a while to come to terms with this - especially as I no longer have a single friend who does not have children;  sometimes, I feel like they belong to a club to which I'm excluded! I particularly hate the way the media assumes any woman over 35 will have children. Whenever someone announces they're expecting, I am the first to congratulate - but inside, a little part of me still crumbles.

The better news is that, over time, you do get a sense of perspective. I now call myself 'child free' rather than 'childless' which, strangely, helps. I also breathe a sigh of relief when I realise I probably won't be still paying uni fees when I am 64 (unlike some of my mates in their mid 40s with new borns).

Recently we have started the process of adoption. Have you thought about that? We're hoping to take a slightly older child.  Inside, we're extremely excited,  but equally, we know that it's harder than ever to be accepted, so remain determined not to feel like 'failures' if we cant proceed for any reason.

The only way I can describe it, when you hit peri, is that you will have to go through a sort of grieving process, but  it does get a bit easier when you come out 'the other side' .

Big hugs x 

PS Do not give up hope totally. Two of my friends well into their 40s have conceived naturally, despite thinking they were menopausal. One had three already, the other none. Both are knackered!

[Briony]

PPS Your age would be no barrier to adopting. On our course, we were by no means the oldest (most looked 40 or over, in fact) and your SEN experience would definitely be a plus .

[Rebelyell]

Good luck Briony - I hope it works out for you.  I think adoption is a really noble route to take.

[CLKD]

You are not a horrible person!  You have had a difficult time I expect with your son and may feel that a baby would be less challenging?  However, as we get older …….. we probably know a lot more, may well be relaxed but as for energy?

Grieve.  It's natural to see our lives flashing by and think 'what if'.  How much contact do you have with children, perhaps helping in your local School with reading might be a start?

[Dancinggirl]

Traceymack - Life often takes us down paths that are difficult to understand or come to terms with.
When my son was diagnosed with a language disorder, that put him within the autistic spectrum, my mother immediately said I should have another child.  I was in my mid 30s and had started to get peri meno symptoms - though at the time I put this down to the stress.  Soon after we were told about my son I did get the diagnosis that I was peri meno so another child wasn't possible.  I do have an older daughter who turned out to be my son's best therapist but the challenges of getting the right support and education for my son were highly stressful - I am very anxious about his future and how he will cope after we're gone. When I look back I doubt I could have coped with a baby as well.
You are certainly not horrible - I'm the horrible one, as I don't want to be a grandmother - I would be terrified that my daughter would have an autistic child and have to go through the awful stresses that are involved.  My son, now 25, is wonderful. He is high functioning and it's a constant surprise to us what he has overcome and continues to achieve but I don't think I could go through all that again.
If you have the love to give, then do look into adoption - there are so many children out there who need that love.
   DG xxxx

[honeybun]

My sister adopted two children. One is 41 and the other 38. Let's just say it was challenging and they were both adopted as babies. Things were different then.
She has a good relationship with one but the other has parent issues.

It's rewarding but not easy and both of my sisters children have always known they were adopted.

You have to be very dedicated to foster or adopt.

I'm sure things will work out whatever you decide.


Honeyb
X

[Kittyjay]

Hi - I just wanted to echo what the other ladies have said in not feeling bad about having these feelings at all- it's a natural reaction to a loss of fertility, especially as you have experienced the sorrow and devastation of miscarriages bless you. I'm only a year older than you at 44 and I feel like I've lost 10 years of my life by having early menopause at 41. I often wonder how it happened so quickly and why me?!
As a mum through adoption to a beautiful 5 year old (no birth kids of my own but I couldn't love mine any more even if I had carried them myself -my beautiful miracle ) I can thoroughly recommend it, however it's not for everyone and you must never feel like you are pushed into it as a final option...
Keep posting please, and ensure you surround yourself with loving family and friends while you make any future choices or just want to chat to the lovely ladies on here.  Sending you a huge hug xx
Briony- good luck in the adoption process (you do honestly forget the hard parts when your child arrives!)- it's a wonderful gift to give a child a loving family and many slightly older kids can be overlooked so was uplifting and lovely to read your post.
Kittyjayxx
 

[traceymack]

Thank you ladies, your replies are very much appreciated.

The way I'm feeling right now is probably an unfortunate coming together of circumstances, to be honest. I agree I am mourning the loss of my fertility. Right at the moment when I am starting HRT, I am working in an office where out of seven ladies, two are pregnant and two have just newly become grannies. I am very happy for them, honestly I am, but there's always that twinge of 'I so wish that was me'. My sister and my young niece and nephew moved to Canada recently too, and I miss them badly.

Like yourself Dancing girl, I am proud of what my son has achieved, but it has been a long hard road. I too worry about what will happen to him when my husband and  I aren't around anymore, and him being an only child is a worry.

I take my hat off to all who have adopted or fostered children, I know it can't be an easy task at times, and it certainly requires dedication. I have downloaded some information on fostering and am in the process of discussing it with my hubby. Good luck Briony, and well done for taking that step.

Thank you all x

[Dorothy]

What you are experiencing is totally normal.  I'm 40 and childless and even though I already knew it was highly unlikely I would be able to have a child, there is still a huge difference between 'highly unlikely' and 'can't'.  Like any loss, it takes a while to learn to live with it.  Different things help different people, but I would suggest:

Give yourself time and space to adjust and accept this change.  It is a grieving process and grief takes time - and energy!

Don't let yourself dwell on 'might have been' - I know some people do this, but I'm not sure spending time on 'if only' is ever helpful.  Personally, I found it made me feel worse.

Think about alternative ways of using your love and concern for children, whether through fostering, volunteer work or becoming more involved in the lives of friends' children.  There are lots of kids who would love another auntie or grannie figure in their lives.

I am godmother or 'adopted' auntie to several children, including some who have no 'real' aunties and some whose extended family live abroad.  I am able to spend far more time with them than I ever could if I had my own children - something I remind myself of when I start to feel broody/regretful.  Someone asked me recently whether I was sister to the mother or father of one godchild - it felt really odd to say 'neither - I'm not related' as I couldn't feel closer to them if they were my blood nieces and nephews. 

Regarding your son - there have been huge steps forward in understanding and provision for people with autism in recent years and I think things will continue to get better.  I think the next 10 or 20 years will see much better provision for older people with autism - this is already starting to happen as some charities are becoming very articulate in demanding better treatment for people with ASD of all ages. 

[CLKD]

I would add that now is the time to discuss your son's future needs with the various Agencies and put plans into place.

[SueRoe]

Is it really too late to have another baby yourself? Obviously I don't know your circumstances and health etc but your GP does. If this yearning isn't going away why not go and have a chat about the possibility of trying to have another baby. Could you face the possibility of another miscarriage? Will you regret it for the rest of your life if you don't at least find out what your options, medically, are? What would you advise a friend or sister or someone else on this website to do? Good luck.