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[GypsyRoseLee]

I completely agree that as we get older our tastes change and our aspirations differ. Mine certainly have. I certainly no longer want to spend my evenings wearing a slinky dress and rubbing shoulders in some dim wine bar which is how I spent much of my twenties. And I am very pleased that I'm not spending my days chasing after toddlers and making inane chatter at the school gate which is how I seemed to spend most of my thirties 

But despite my different lifestyles and life circumstances I have always felt that the very core of me has remained completely unchanged since I was about 15? Apart from when I suffered with post natal depression I have always quite a self confident personality which verged on audacious many times. I was quite sparky tempered and impatient at times with a reputation for even being a bit intimidating occasionally I think. But I always felt very centered and grounded within myself. I was lucky in that I liked myself most of the time. I don't feel like that anymore. I feel diminished.

Since this peri journey started it's been like placing my hand and face against a mirror so that I am 'almost' touching the other me, but there's a tiny sliver of a gap in between and so we can never quite touch. It both scares me and makes me very sad 

I am fully prepared to accept that my waist will thicken and my hair go grey and my knees will ache as I get older. I am not remotely vain and I really don't care. But I am so sad to think that I might never regain that secret spark that made me feel like me.

[BrightLight]

I do appreciate what you say about the spark - you write very articulately.  I have noticed the spark thing is still there, it is different though.  Don't give up hope that the spark isn't still there & will burn bright again - I'm not going to x

[Greenfields]

Oh I can so relate to what you've just posted GypsyRoseLee - that really resonates with me.

The thing I hold on to is that I overcame panic attacks in my thirties (a concerted effort on my part - took up exercise, yoga, meditation, did things that I found fearful and gave up coffee) and while, for a long time after I stopped getting panic attacks, I still feared having one ... eventually that fear went to.

So I hope in a similar way that, at some point in my life, I will be able to trust the resilience of my mental health again - however, at the moment, I'm in the furnace so to speak and I have a lot of healing to do before I'm 100% again.

[GypsyRoseLee]

I'm trying not to give up hope. I know my spark went away when I had post natal depression but it certainly came back and stayed with me for many years afterwards 

I am holding on to hope that once my hormones settle down after menopause then maybe my spark will come back because I won't be feeling so afraid of feeling afraid if you know what I mean? Because even in my good times I have that fear at the back of my mind that it's likely I'm going to be having a few bad 'down times' in the very near future.

So I suppose it's very hard to retain any sparkiness when you are essentially living with low level fear at the back of your mind every day.

[GypsyRoseLee]

Yes, I know we share very similar experiences of this Greenfields.

I know when I had post natal depression I totally lost my spark for nearly 3 years. Partly the ADs zilched it I think? And even after I stopped the ADs as I had basically recovered to all intents and purposes, I seem to remember it took a long time before I felt back to my fighting weight. It had shaken me to the core that I could suddenly have become so psychologically weak and frightened and it took a long while for that shaken feeling to fade away. I didn't feel 100% mentally robust but carried on plugging away anyway and after some months it did fade. And up until 18 months ago I had largely forgotten how dreadful the PND had made me feel all those years ago.

Just like you, I want to be able to trust my mental health stability again. I want to be able to look forward to something in 6 weeks time without it occurring to me that I might be very low/anxious on the day.

[Chi chi]

I really miss that  being able to look forward to something without even thinking about "will I be ok? Will I have lost the plot? Will I be in the loony bin by then?  at the moment I'm starting to worry about our holiday coming up, it's not until end of July but things are starting to bubble 

[GypsyRoseLee]

I know Estelle, I really know.

We go away again in about 2 months and already I'm thinking 'Oh dear, what if?' 

[Greenfields]

Oh can relate to that one (re:holiday) ... I was hoping to go to Canada in July but I still don't know whether I will be well enough to make a trip and I can't book anything until I'm sure ... actually had a conversation with someone recently about how to arrange that my rent continues to get paid if I go over to Canada, get sick on holiday, end up in a psych ward for several months and my tenancy is up for renewal in the UK! The plan (if I'm well enough to make a trip) is to set up a monthly standing order for rent from the day its due again (as I had to pay 6 months up front when I got ill) so that it will get paid in my absence even if I haven't signed a renewed tenancy!

[Briony]

 I can sympathise with this too, Estelle. It's that 'what if' thing, isn't it? It makes me so annoyed to think of all the opportunities I have turned down - or else things I have gone to and really not enjoyed because I spent the whole time feeling weird and counting down until it was time to go home again! I look back on pre peri holidays, three years ago, when I was so care free and excited about life. So unfair,  isn't it? 

[GypsyRoseLee]

I miss that carefree excited feeling you used to get when looking forward to something.

I think when you have suffered with peri anxiety/depression then even when it isn't actually present, it still leaves behind quite a big stain.

[honeybun]

But don't forget it is possible to move on and forget.

It can be so easy to pick over every tiny thing that is wrong and then it gets magnified to unmanageable proportions.

I used to tell my kids that puberty was a learning curve that we all go through. I think the menopause is exactly that.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Maybe a few motivational thoughts would be good for all of us.


Honeyb
x

[Limpy]

I think when you have suffered with peri anxiety/depression then even when it isn't actually present, it still leaves behind quite a big stain.

Nobody on here underestimates Peri anxiety, it's absolutely horrible, I know, it nearly destroyed my marriage.
I'd get upset about things, sit and fester and not actually discuss what was wrong with OH.

When we started to talk, I started to look at things objectively, and more to the point,
OH began to understand how I felt and started to be supportive.

I think what I'me trying to say, is if I'd let my unhappiness take over, it would have been a self perpetuating, destructive circle of misery. It wasn't at all easy to do, but it did help me to move on.

[honeybun]

That's exactly how I felt Limpy.

What with this meno anxiety which has been and still is very limiting, my hubbies health issues and caring for my mother I can get overwhelmed.
Talking things over with hubby or my daughter seems to break the spiral before it gets out of proportion.

It is hard to break out of the cycle but so worth while.


Honeybun
X

[Hurdity]

I started HRT when I was just under 54 and was in late menopausal transition ( last period 5 months earlier) - and was suffering flushes and sweats etc. When I first started ( same dose oestrogen as I am on now) yes it really did make me feel like my old self again. I was full of energy and zest for life - obviously my oestrogen levels were just needing topping up to where they were before - although of course they didn't ever reach the pre-ovulatory peak again except when (if) I had another cycle in the couple of years following this. It was only gradually that my old self then receded as I went towards late 50's and now early 60's. I really do feel different now and not because of any notional ideas about age. I get very tired especially in the mornings (still trying to sort out why this is), no libido, great difficulty keeping my weight down, and really not much zest for life - mainly just on an even keel, but don't often get very excited about things - which is a pity. The other symptoms of peri-menopause passed me by (they definitely happened though!) as I didn't know it existed and hadn't thought about it - only with respect to periods - which came and went as did flushes. Probably best not to analyse it too much would say, and do what you have to do and deal with the things you have to deal with, be thankful for small things in life but don't rein yourself in because you think you should! Discover new freedoms and experiences and don't be worried about what anyone thinks!

Hurdity x

[Briony]

Thank you ladies for such honest, articulate posts. Part of me wants to burst into tears, as your words resonate and remind me of all the things about my past I never appreciated at the time; yet strangely, I also feel empowered. You have helped me accept that I am not alone, and I should not feel shame in the situation I now find myself; I am probably a far more sympathetic and understanding person than I was - and would have been - and I appreciate people and things in life I'd previously have dismissed. I'd never have chosen for my life to take this direction, but with your help, I'm beginning to accept that Planet Peri is not quite the prison I'd first imagined! X