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[GypsyRoseLee]

Fingers crossed my mood still seems to be improving after my awful depressed/anxious episode of the last week and a half  And, I am very, very grateful that (hopefully) HRT will really help even out my mood swings/anxiety etc.

But since starting HRT, even when I'm having a 'good' couple of weeks I am very aware that I'm not precisely the same as I used to be before this peri roller coaster started. It's very subtle, and I think only I would be able to tell the difference but I feel like a 'photocopy' of my old self. A photocopy that is just very, very slightly out of focus.

I also feel like I have taken two steps sideways and one step backwards from where I used to stand before peri menopause.

All my peri menopause symptoms have basically been anxiety/mood swings/low mood and insomnia. So 'all in my head' so to speak. None of the classic physical symptoms yet (other than much lighter periods, closer together).

I was wondering if I now feel like a 'photocopy' of myself because I am still suffering the echoes of nearly 18 months of anxiety/depression and mood swings? Or whether it's the HRT that is making me feel this way?

I am wondering if it's the HRT because this slightly muted, disconnected version of myself that I nnow feel, feels quite similar to how I felt when I took ADs when I had post natal depression. And my post natal depression mainly presented as extreme anxiety and feelings of hopelessness too, which makes me suspicious.

Just wondered if anyone else felt the same (I know Greenfield does) or whether they had any thoughts?

[Limpy]

When I started HRT, Evorel Conti.
It really did make me feel "just like my old self again"

Mind you, I was 54 and probably well post menopause.
I wasn't aware of this as I was able to stay on the pill till I got to 54.
That was 6 months before I started the Evorel and it probably masked
my meno symptoms. When I stopped the pill I wasn't too bad, except my MS kicked off big style.
That was sorted when I started using Evorel.

Perhaps the Evorel patches are just having the same effect as the pill?

[BrightLight]

I am not on HRT but am questioning the 'change' in myself as well and whether this is directly related to hormone changs, whether it is natural changes with age (I mean beliefs and values changing) or whether it's just the whole lot and totally 'normal'.  There are key points of change in all of us through life, where we feel different somehow - puperty, leaving home, settling down etc and I although at the moment I am not liking the 'new me' very much, in some ways, in other ways I am just seeing what positive things are coming as well.

Things like my motivation has changed and mostly I feel a bit frustrated with that, but actually it means I am beginning to focus on different things.

I'm not sure this answer really helps with your question as to whether HRT will help you feel more yourself, but I can empathise with the feeling

[Dancinggirl]

GypsyRoseLee - Brightlight is right - I think 'The Change' is not just hormonal. I really don't think we should look on HRT as a way to feel 'like our old self'.  For some women it really can work wonders but for many of us it is simply a way to be free of the worst meno symptoms that make us feel rotten. I have always found that HRT brings some compromises. I think we should look forwards and find new ways to be stronger and better - looking back and trying to be the same as we were 5 or 10 years ago will always make one feel dissatisfied. I certainly find my mental state is far better when on HRT but at 59 I have come to terms with the fact I will never be 'my old self' (I don't think I would want to be now) - I have moved on.  DG x

[dazned]

I think when I posted a topic about expecting too much from HRT it was similar as what Brightlight and DG  are saying,I personally have come to terms now that the old me has gone forever. The term change of life was coined for a reason but not all change has to be a negative. I do feel more settled presently now I have managed to take that on board and stopped looking for what I believe to be the impossible and making the most of what life has to offer now.

[dogdoc]

Limp can I ask you what birth control pill you took to 54? Thinking about them.
thanks
tara

[GypsyRoseLee]

Some interesting points. I am still very peri, and only 44 so I suppose I don't think it too much to ask to feel like I felt only 5 years ago? But if I was post menopause and moving toward my 60s then I wouldn't expect to feel the same emotionally as I did at 35 or 40.

I am aware that as I am still very peri, and my moods and anxiety are all over the place so it's likely that most of the time my psyche doesn't know what the Hell is going on. I am hoping that once I am post menopause that my psyche will find it easier to cope.

[honeybun]

No, I don't feel the same at all but I'm almost 55 now and started this nonsense in my mid 40s. So it's been going on for about ten years. I'm ten years older, I tire more easily, I like a quieter life....I'm different.
Is it age or is it meno or more probably a combination of both. We really can't expect to feel the same forever.

I think it's wrong to try and achieve what we had before as that will only leave us disappointed and dissatisfied with what we have.

The future is unknown for everyone and we have to make the most of what we have and accept it will be different.

What other options are there really ?


Honeybun
X

[Limpy]

Limp can I ask you what birth control pill you took to 54? Thinking about them.
thanks
tara

Hi - I took Loestrin 20 for 10 years till I was 54, then GP wanted me to stop the pill altogether.
Before that I was using Microgynon 30 which suited me well but GP wanted me to go onto a lower dose pill, fair enough, so started on Loestrin. This took some getting used to,  I got very crabby when I first started taking Loestrin.

[dazned]

Yes GRL see what you are saying big difference between 55 and 44 ,I think the last time I saw the old me was when I was 48  and I know it sounds ridiculous but I can actually pinpoint the day ! But it's taken me from then to now to except she ain't that same person anymore,spent years hounding this Dr that Dr to get some semblance of normality and by and large I have some bits better some bits worse but not the same .

[Chi chi]

Can I ask how you feel about the last few weeks? Sounds strange I know but when I think back to how bad I felt during my breakdown it almost takes me back there? If you know what I mean? Like a constant reminder, certain songs or TV programmes even things in the house that I remember just staring at  How do you stop these things from reminding you and re living things?

[BrightLight]

Gypsy - I am just 45 and I really do feel very different from when I was 40 and I never expected to, had no idea really.  As I said, I am not certain it is all to do with hormones but if it is, then it's a natural change/period of development.  This is MY time for changes to happen - I hate that my cycle isn't reliable, or even the sense of it.  I am very sensitive to changes in my body and it hasn't felt at optimum in this way for a couple of year, very subtle, no real signs of change back then, in terms of regularity etc, but something is changing.  But it's not just my cycles, it's just about everything, from changes with work and family to my habits.  Somethings are rock steady core parts of my life and personality, those will never change, but subtle differences are apparent.

For some, it might happen without hormonal shifts at 44/45 and some at 50/51 but it would be interesting to see if women generally find a change in their mid 40's regardless of menopause timing.  Changes to hair, skin, motivations, body shape......... they perhaps happen anyway.  It's something I am still struggling with - the moving on into a new phase and I definately don't want to see that as a decline   It's just different - my whole attitude to work has changed, life in general, but it started a couple of years ago.

Maybe the hormonal roller coaster is just an added 'bonus' to shake things up a bit as we emerge anew - same thing happens at puberty and to be honest, the bit in between is messy  

[Briony]

Really interesting discussion!

For me, it all happened so suddenly that I am sure it was hormonal and not simply another life stage. I went from no symptoms at all, incredibly fit and active and very happy with life to someone who I simply didn't recognise within three months. I had a miscarriage (aged 40) which seemed to be the changing point. Within weeks I was in agony (shoulder and then ankle), having palpitations, tingling extremities and shooting pains down my arms. The anxiety started soon afterwards, not helped by the fact I had to see a cardiologist first and then told I may have MS. Since then, my periods have become very regular (never been all my life) my boobs have got bigger (despite blood tests revealing very low oestrogen) and the cyclical pattern of anxiety has been there throughout.

 HRT and the pill have since  both eased matters - in that I feel more in control - but still the weird crushing  fatigue and occasional mood dips appear at times within my cycle.

My mum and her mum didn't have any signs of menopause until their mid 50s, so I'm convinced that it was the hormonal chaos that some how fast forwarded me into peri menopause. I am now almost resigned to the fact that the 'old me' will not return as a mirror copy and am instead trying to learn to love the new me (!)

Initially my GP was convinced it was all in my head and diagnosed ADs, but luckily the physical symptoms remained so he let me see a specialist. I had nothing against taking ADs, but got frustrated they were prescribed as a 'sticking plaster' rather getting to the route of my problems.

[Greenfields]

Fingers crossed my mood still seems to be improving after my awful depressed/anxious episode of the last week and a half  And, I am very, very grateful that (hopefully) HRT will really help even out my mood swings/anxiety etc.

But since starting HRT, even when I'm having a 'good' couple of weeks I am very aware that I'm not precisely the same as I used to be before this peri roller coaster started. It's very subtle, and I think only I would be able to tell the difference but I feel like a 'photocopy' of my old self. A photocopy that is just very, very slightly out of focus.

I also feel like I have taken two steps sideways and one step backwards from where I used to stand before peri menopause.

All my peri menopause symptoms have basically been anxiety/mood swings/low mood and insomnia. So 'all in my head' so to speak. None of the classic physical symptoms yet (other than much lighter periods, closer together).

I was wondering if I now feel like a 'photocopy' of myself because I am still suffering the echoes of nearly 18 months of anxiety/depression and mood swings? Or whether it's the HRT that is making me feel this way?

I am wondering if it's the HRT because this slightly muted, disconnected version of myself that I nnow feel, feels quite similar to how I felt when I took ADs when I had post natal depression. And my post natal depression mainly presented as extreme anxiety and feelings of hopelessness too, which makes me suspicious.

Just wondered if anyone else felt the same (I know Greenfield does) or whether they had any thoughts?

Yep I absolutely do agree with you!

Having said that, I have decided to start doing yoga daily again because I find that when I do do it, I feel more grounded in my body and more my self a bit.  Today was the first day I managed this in a while - so I'll see how I get on with it.  I've always meditated but committing to a regular daily physical yoga practice over weeks and weeks has never really happened for me - so it will be interesting for me to see how this goes. I'm more motivated this time because I really really want to get well as soon as I can - but even if I don't, I think it will help me and my situation at the moment.

[GypsyRoseLee]

Can I ask how you feel about the last few weeks? Sounds strange I know but when I think back to how bad I felt during my breakdown it almost takes me back there? If you know what I mean? Like a constant reminder, certain songs or TV programmes even things in the house that I remember just staring at  How do you stop these things from reminding you and re living things?

Of course you can ask 

I feel very frightened by the last 18 months to be honest. It really frightens me that I can actually feel so very depressed and so incredibly anxious. The waves of despair/doom that I sometimes get are really terrifying. This last couple of weeks when I have felt so very low/anxious again really, really frightened me because it seemed to be going on for longer than normal and also because I was NOW on HRT, and so thought I would be protected.

I am partly scared/partly ashamed that I can suddenly find myself frightened of the dark again. Or suddenly frightened to be left alone in the house. Back before peri menopause I used to be one of those women with bags of self confidence and lots of aplomb. I am frankly stunned at how diminished I feel now compared to how I was less than 2 years ago.

On my 'good times' I can still flash a bit of self confidence and can still muster up some lively chattering, but it feels a bit forced. It feels rather brittle and it feels physically and emotionally draining. Whereas before it was as natural as breathing.

I know exactly what you mean about lots of things reminding you of how low you have felt. I don't have the answer. I can't seem to stop myself remembering and suffering with the echoes. These last 18 months have taught me to be really frightened of fear (if that makes sense/) and it has taught me that I can't really trust my mental stability anymore. I feel like the rug was pulled out from beneath me and ever since I have been tip toeing across very thin ice.