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[jedigirl]

Ladies I'm a mess this morning and I need a shake.
After finding a lump in my breast last week I've gone further and further down the anxiety road and I'm cross with myself. Am trying to keep things in perspective, both boobs sore and lumpier than normal. Having a big bleed which I haven't had in months and can feel hormones pushing anxiety through the roof.
My good friend is in hospital on Monday having her breast removed. She had cancer in her other , which was removed and has asked for this one to go as a precaution. She's doing really well in her treatment. She wants me to visit and of course I will, didn't need to be asked, but I'm dreading it. Have huge health anxiety at the moment and hate hospitals anyway. I feel ashamed to call myself her friend. 
Also I don't know whether to stop using HRT until lump investigated? In my worry filled mind I'm imaging I'm fuelling something that might be there.
I'm sorry for the depressing post girls. I debated whether to offload but need some sound advice.
JG x

[20032003]

Of course there is nothing wrong about writing about your fears, and asking for help! I have these things going through my mind every day. Whenever I have a "good" BM (sorry, if gross) I am able to feel pretty good. Anxiety goes down. I can believe this whole stomach issue is "just" hormones. Etc etc etc. Bad as soon as my stomach is worse again I MUST be dying! I understand your panic and dread feelings 100%! Unfortunately, I can't really advise you on what to do/how to think because I haven't figured out how to manage my own thinking...

[rebelyell]

Don't be so hard on yourself.  I have crippling health anxiety at the moment, to the extent where I can't watch health stuff on TV in case I 'get' a new disease.  Every little ache and pain is a potentially deadly disease. 

The only cure for me is keeping busy.  I left a full time job two years ago and thought semi-retirement would be bliss, but in fact I have really missed regular contact with a known bunch of people and being solitary and working from home has greatly fuelled my anxiety.   My GP put me in touch with Let's Talk and I got a telephone assessment when CBT was recommended but I am still waiting so have booked private appointment.

Anyway - this isn't about me, except in so far as it suggests you are not mad and you are not alone.  You will visit your friend and you will be supportive, but accept that you also need help.  Go to you GP soon, get yourself checked and get some talking therapy booked.   Even if your lump is nothing serious, which is highly likely, I would suggest you deal with the health anxiety.  I thought mine would go if I could stop stressing about my poor gums, but if I have a good dentist visit I just find something else to feed my health anxiety monster. 

Good luck, be kinder to yourself.  Keep busy, be with people and take som exercise.  I have started talking to my anxiety and mocking it (actually this suggests I am mad!) but it helps when I tell it to f@@@ off!

[jedigirl]

Thank you 20032003
This isn't me, I'm embarrassed to feel this way about supporting my friend who is so brave and am sat here with tears rolling down.
I know alot of this is hormone fuelled anxiety. Wish I could have my scans before i see her so I would know and don't have to put on a brave face and could be there for her fully. Don't want my thoughts to be elsewhere when she is going through this.
I often have strange stomach aches, bowel movements. It's what kicked evrything off for me last year. After colonoscopy, endoscopy and biopsy, all declared fine but health anxiety here big time now. Can't believe who I am now compared to a year ago.
Thanks again. x

[jedigirl]

Thanks rebelyell
Not sure I could stand another GP visit right now! Well done you for facing up to your worries. It's so difficult some days when we are at a low point already.
hugs x

[rebelyell]

You are brave having had all those tests!  I have bowel issues but think it is just a result of ADs that seem to have wrecked my stomach.  But I couldn't face tests at the moment. Good luck.  And hope you friend is OK.

[Kathleen]

Hello jedigirl.

The amount of worry produced by our changing hormones is epic in my experience and although I didn't think I suffered with health anxiety I now realise that any bowel sensation makes me panic so I do know how you feel. 

Due to your friends situation I am not surprised that you are focusing on breast issues and of course that is distressing for you.

I agree with the other ladies that offloading your worries is a very helpful thing to do and talking to a professional may be something to consider. I am not an HRT expert but in your situation I wouldn't change anything until this crisis has passed and you can feel more emotionally stable. 

Sending hugs and keep posting, you are not alone in feeling the way you do.

Take care.

K.

[jedigirl]

Thank you Kathleen
I am seeing a lovely counsellor privately at the moment who helps a great deal and i always feel good when I've seen her. It doesn't feel so clinical when i see it, it's at her house. She's helped me talk through traumatic stuff from my past and i always feel like I'm progressing. Then it creeps back.
I agree, I didn't realise the power of anxiety till hormone depletion kicked in. It's not like anything else and i find it crippling on my worst days. Strangely the bowel stuff doesn't bother me, the breast stuff and any other lumps i find send me into overdrive. Funny what we focus on
 

[jedigirl]

Thanks rebelyell,
I'm not brave! I can be practical when i need to but not brave.
My husband says I am as i had my third baby at home and my endoscopy without anesthetic but they were my choices. I hate not having control of things.
 

[BrightLight]

I'm not surprised the situation is increasing your anxiety. You sound like you understand yourself really well. I know that doesn't help with the anxiety which is so unpleasant and makes the situation of feeling out of control even worse.

It's true, you are not in control of the outcome of investigations into your breast health, the lump, your hormones going up or down and your friends situation. That's a few unknowns and uncertaintys all at once. When this happens to me I decide what to do with the anxiety. Act on it to problem solve, try and get to the root of my feelings and feel them or distract.

It sounds like you are doing this really and come to the conclusion that its feeling out of control that's bothering you. So maybe sit with that feeling and see if it doesn't reduce. You have taken control and booked an investigation do there's nothing more to do there. From a psychological point of view would changing HRT at the moment cause more anxiety? You have no knowledge as to whether this is relevant or not, it's a worry yes, but not a fact, so maybe it would complicate you to change that. With or without your own struggle visiting a sick friend can be hard, you are being hard on yourself as to how you expect you should be.

Be kind, all is under control that is within your control. Support to deal with that is, I think the best focus to have. Uncertainty is horrible. A hug for you from someone that goes around these loops too. x

[CLKD]

I had breast disease - am still here >wave< - I found a lump in 1994 and had it removed the following June, to all intents and purposes it was 'normal', however, at histology changes were found in the margins so I underwent precautionary radiation.  I was more worried about anxiety stopping me going for the sessions 

It was the waiting that was difficult.  I only realised how worried I had been (oh there's a frog hopping across the patio  ) when the Consultant phoned on the morning of getting the results to tell me it was OK!  Then I cried 

As for supporting your friend - tell her!  Not many people do like Hospitals.  I visited a friend dying of ovarian cancer once and felt awful about not being supportive but my panic attacks stopped me.  I sent e-mails instead 

[jedigirl]

Thanks girls,
You do talk sense!
Brightlight
You are right, I have everything covered that I can, it's the waiting I struggle with. I'm not patient, I'm a doer.
CLKD
I can't tell her now, it feels selfish. I will go and see her, probably laced with some meds to get me there! When I know my results I'll tell her but not now. She is dealing with enough.
Sorry you went through breast disease, its good to hear you are well now xxx

[CLKD]

   it's the worrying that saps energy!  But what's the worst that can happen? 

At the time I said that I would have both breasts removed but my Surgeon reassured me that it wasn't necessary.  He told me that if I changed my mind at a later date …… but I never did.

[Greenfields]

Just sending a hug xxx

Anxiety is really hard dealing with, especially when it's hormonal.  I've had a lot of it this week and even though I work with it, it's still hard.

Offloading is good.

The other thing I do is try to distract myself a bit - I go and exercise and also do relaxation tracks (lying down following instructions).  I also do things that I need to get done - houseworky things.

When all else fails, I give my mind something else to focus on as well - I do loving kindness meditation practice where I silently recite words in my head: "may I be safe, may I be well, may I be peaceful, may I be happy" - after a while my mind just runs with it which helps.

I also do knitting while listening to podcasts of programs I enjoy.

Having said all that, it's still very hard.  I've been so full of fear this week - fear of having another breakdown if I go back to Canada, fear of being homeless if I stay in the UK, fear of how things are going to work out in the future, fear that I may never get better - sometimes all you can do I think is just acknowledge that the fears and anxieties are there and do your best to soothe your mind as much as you can - and accept that sometimes it's just really really difficult. That's what I tell myself anyway!

BTW my doctor told me that the same neurotransmitters that are in your brain are also in your bowels and that may be why I've had upset bowels - particularly on days when my nervous system is anxious.  I've found exercise has helped with this although it hasn't eliminated the anxiety completely.

[BrightLight]

I am liking the loving kindness mediation Greenfields - thanks