Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[honeybun]

I'm really not even sure I have a question here...just a series of thoughts.

Most...well all really know I have a challenging mother.

I'm trying to find ways of coping with the challenges that are being thrown in my direction along with all the other things that are going on in my life.

Today for example......my day for mothers....I call her every morning. I ask how she is and then listen....sometimes she asks how I am. My answer this morning was I was a little bit tired as I had been awake since before six am as my hubby had a hypo. His glucose levels have been an issue over the past few days and he is struggling a little bit...I therefore sleep on high alert.
Mothers response to that was less than sympathetic. I'm running out of ways of how to deal with her.
I spoke to my sis this afternoon...I think I wanted her to be the big sister and take charge and tell mother to be nicer as I struggle a bit.
She wants nothing to do with it although she admitted she had watched mother keeping her mouth shut rather than be critical of her.

Why then does she take things out on me. I will never walk away but I feel as if my mental health is suffering as I find her behaviour difficult to shrug off.

I know there are no answers to this....I want to resolve it and have pleasant peaceful visits, but I just don't know how to make this happen.

I just needed to write this down.....sorry yet again because I know so many of you miss your mums or get on really well.

Honeybun
X

[Limpy]

HB -It really can't be easy.
Perhaps if you say to her (your mum) some of what of what you've said here.
Then, she would know what you are dealing with.
If she's still being uppity, then say sorry, I've got so much on, can't do a lot else...........

[honeybun]

I'm going to try in the morning. She might be nice to me then but by Friday we will be back to the same old same old as she will have forgotten.

I think there is a bit of dementia going on although she has always been difficult. Her GP has made noises about that but also said its pointless doing tests...not sure I agree but sis is in charge of medical care so I have no input at all.

Even if a definitive diagnosis was given it wouldn't make any difference anyway.

Honeybun
X

[Annie0710]

I do feel for you as I've no experience either

My mum and dad were both whipped away suddenly with no illness :-(

And I can only imagine how draining this is on you and all the other ladies here with parents with dementia

I have told my children, in no uncertain terms, that if and when the time comes that I am a burden whether mentally or physically that I am to be moved into care where I am safe and looked after

My parents told me the same thing.  I think it's important to talk about these things way before it's too late

My thoughts are with you all

Annie xx

[Joyce]

I have told my children, in no uncertain terms, that if and when the time comes that I am a burden whether mentally or physically that I am to be moved into care where I am safe and looked after

My parents told me the same thing.  I think it's important to talk about these things way before it's too late

Oh my mum said same thing Annie, unfortunately when the time came, she had forgotten & I got an earful!  After she eventually went into a care home, she demanded we remove her as her room consisted of hay bales & no bedding. Heck knows where that came from, maybe her Land Army days.

Our daughter has said she will search for best place for us when the time comes.  Can hardly wait.

Very hard for those of you with elderly parents. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Though I have to say that my mum eventually became quite happy in her new sorroundings. It's confusing for them initially. We need to take care of ourselves. My SIL is currently experiencing similar problems with her folks & she is run ragged. Can't do right for doing wrong.

[Annie0710]

Cubagirl

It's easy for me to say, but if I really think hard I'd be heartbroken if I needed to do this to my mum, although I believe when dementia really sets in you are only left with the shell of that person sadly and I suppose remember their wishes when they had all their faculties

Such a sad situation

Annie xx

[Taz2]

Honeybun - just want to say that although your sister is in charge of your mum's medical care you can still raise your concerns with the GP - he/she is wrong to say that tests are pointless. Your mum may have vascular dementia which is one of the really common ones and there are treatments which can slow down the progression of the disease. It's all about treating the underlying cause of the dementia. Surely your sister can see that your mum may be developing it?

Also, when she asks how you are, there is probably no point in telling her about why you are tired etc. etc. I learnt the hard way that it's better to just fib. Empathy is one of the first things to disappear when dementia begins and, from what you have said, your mum didn't seem to show you much of that even when she was well. Keep things simple.

Although it is difficult you must try to just shrug it off and not take it personally. I know it's hard. I used to find it really difficult not to feel upset by my mum's comments but then, one day, after really calling me every name under the sun and trying to push me down the stairs she said "You wait till my daughter gets here - she'll not stand for this" and I realised that she really had no idea who I was. Bitter-sweet really but from then on I didn't see her behaviour as directed at me.

Taz x 

[Taz2]

The info on this NHS site is good http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/vascular-dementia/Pages/Treatment.aspx  Sorry to bang on about it but the early stages of all dementias are very confusing and difficult to understand.

Taz x

[honeybun]

My sister does see the changes but says there is no point in distressing mother by having tests done at her age. I have no contact with her GP at all. If I did try and step in my sister is perfectly capable of telling me to get on with the whole lot myself. I just don't want that so i just sit back.

I know I need to develop a thicker skin but meno and anxiety makes me fragile I think and I don't cope as well as I should or could.

Back down today and hopefully things will be more pleasant this morning.

She dislikes change which I understand and her routine was disrupted last week and again this week due to my mammogram and now my hubby having a hospital appointment. Her answer to it is to lash out which is unpleasant for me.

Oh well off to get this morning over and done with.

Honeyb
x

[CLKD]

I can't add much other than to say if my Mum uttered one word in anger in your situation I would have walked.  My sister is the 'golden girl' ……….. has never been able to do a thing wrong even though 

You have a    you could try saying when she asks how you are: "what do you want me to say?" but as with my Mum, yours isn't interested.  Fear makes people angry.  Loss of control makes people angry.  If they are alone long enough they 'brew' 

[SueRoe]

Oh dear honeybun. I haven't encountered any of this yet and I hope I don't so forgive me if my advice seems a bit too simplistic... If your Mum knows that she is being unkind to you that isn't acceptable, whether she's old and frightened or not. If she is aware of her behaviour she should be made to realise that you will remove yourself from her company at the first sign of unkind behaviour every time you visit. If she isn't aware of her behaviour I agree with Taz2 that GP/NHS involvement is necessary. It's not fair for one person (you) to sacrifice their health and happiness because of the behaviour of another person (your Mum). Big hug

[CLKD]

Also you want your Mum to be a Mum and ask how you are and take on board your reply!  However …….. it ain't going to happen because she is engrossed in her problems.

My Mum always said 'put me into a Home if I get …… ' - however, in November when she thought I had suggested it, she went berserk 

[honeybun]

She was a little better today. I did discover that the reason for the tantrums was indeed my change of days. She has it firmly fixed in her mind that I am missing one of my usual days. Well I am but I've brought it forward a day but not missed out one. Circumstances have dictated this change. I didn't want to change my appointement and hubby can't. She has just not got her way and is very put out.
I don't think she is aware of the hurt she causes.....well perhaps at the time but certainly not the next day.
Getting her to take on any new information is impossible now, it just doesn't sink in. She still tries to manipulate in the same way as she has done for most of my life, she also tries to cause divisions between me and my sister. She is just not very good at it anymore 

I now don't see her for three days and that is a really nice break away.

I've just got to stop letting her get to me so much and leave her problems on her doorstep.

My sister, although she won't intervene, says....you reap what you sow.....and my mother has sown a lot over the years.
Can't just be me if my sister also thinks and says this kind of thing.


Honeybun
X

[CLKD]

That's being nasty due to lack of control then  - not getting her own way?     however much you keep going to help her the attitude ain't going to alter and it may well leave a nasty taste in the mouth later on 

[SueRoe]

If she's aware that she's doing it at the time Honeybun and it's making you unhappy/affecting your health why not see less of her? It sounds like your sister has already made that decision. Maybe by continuing to visit even when she's being unpleasant you're giving her the message that her behaviour is acceptable. Treat her like a tantruming toddler and withdraw. You are her daughter and she'll want to see you so she might learn to modify her behaviour if you withdraw. It sounds like she's had a lifetime of getting away with being unpleasant and it might be difficult for her to change, in which case you need to protect your own health. I had to distance myself from my alcoholic Dad because I couldn't cope with his behaviour which was leaching into the lives of those around him. He didn't change. It's hard.