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[SallyG]

I have my detailed phased return meeting this morning and to be honest I am as nervous as anything.
I have not slept properly for a few days - as per usual. One of the most prevalent symptoms I suffer from since menopause really kicked in. I took my teenage daughter to the Mall yesterday - "cribs causeway" - and I was so full of fear. I have a massive fear around spending money because I have paid privately for treatment to get myself right and I have been off work for 5 months.
She is only 14 but has been amazing. She told me she didn't want to bring her mates back to our home because of all of the "clutter" - Books and artwork. Even though I know she's a teenager I did feel that I had let her down. I have been struggling just to get through the day and haven't turned my attention to making my home a DFS show home. The last year has been such a tough journey for me and just when I feel Im getting somewhere, something comes along to destroy my self esteem….
Please feed back to me. I feel isolated at the moment.

Sally G

[pepperminty]

Hi SallyG,

You will be fine. Normally they will have received advice from occ health. They want to get you back successfully.A phased return is usually a couple of hours a day or every other day to start with, so they should ease you in gently.

No sleep is the killer for me too, it makes everything seem worse . As for sleep try a sleep hypnosis tape , go to bed the same time every day and get up the same time. Believe it or not potatoes are a natural sedative so having a small baked potato before bedtime can help induce sleep. I find stress stops me from sleeping well so mindfulness meditation and breathing exercises help. Also have you had counselling, just having someone to talk to  helps put things in perspective.
Stick post it notes  around the house with feel good slogans , and positive empowering thoughts. Sounds potty? well a very successful Business man I know did just that !!
Look how far you have come !!
It's ok to feel fear , totally normal , you got through it , you had a success!!
Don't define yourself by the clutter. It's not the end of the world. When you feel up to it you will tackle it bit by bit.
You have made tremendous progress , be proud of yourself.

Pepperminty xx

[SallyG]

thank you so very muchxxx

[honeybun]

Wishing you loads of luck, I'm sure once your back you we be fine.

As for your daughter.....ask her to give you a hand with some clearing up. She is old enough to understand, and with two of you at it it will be done in no time.

Teenagers have the uncanny ability to press the guilt button and they are as subtle as flying bricks.

Let us know how it goes.

Honeyb
x

[Kathleen]

Hello SallyG.

I just wanted to wish you luck for this morning.

Like you I find comfort in knowing there is a community of women who understand how tough this menopause can be. You are not alone and I wish you well on your journey.

Take care and let us know how things go at the meeting.

K.
PS your daughter sounds lovely!

[SallyG]

All went well. I stayed strong and positive and so was everyone else.xx Thanks very much

[SueRoe]

I had a phased return to work after being off with depression/stress. I was worried how people would treat me on my first day back but we all just carried on where we'd left off. There were a few "lovely to have you back" comments and a couple of hugs, and plenty of reassurance that I mustn't rush at things trying to make up for being off. In other words people were kind and understanding and I'm sure they will be with you too. It's not until you've had psychological difficulties yourself that you realise how many people have also struggled - one in four of your colleagues will have had problems and will know how you feel. The majority of women, in my experience, are really supportive and generous. Good luck Sally

[Hurdity]

Glad it went well SallyG 

I just wanted to say about the clutter - I agree with pepperminty this is not important at all!! Do you want to be remembered/thought of as a woman who kept/keeps an immaculate house (god how boring!) or someone who painted/collected pictures and was well read ( if the books and art-work are yours)?

What is the clutter anyway? Is it rubbish and dishes etc that need clearing away? Is it stuff waiting to be  sorted? How you deal with it depends what it is. Is it preventing you/your family from carrying out normal household tasks? If it's rubbish/newspapers etc then yes your daughter can help tidy up after herself. All my children (I had four) had jobs to do each day as part of the household and an extra job at the weekend eg hoovering etc. They changed their sheets and by the time they reached 16 were ironing their clothes ( except I did school uniform). I was working while they were at school so they had to pull their weight.

I feel your daughter needs to realise also how unimportant it is to judge people by their houses and things and not to be ashamed to bring people back. Do you welcome her friends when they come or do you communicate anxiety about the state its in? I bet it's not that bad - our house is full of clutter  . Anyone who keeps an immaculate house is either rich (got a maid), very poor ( hasn't got much stuff) or doesn't have enough interesting things to do!!! Exceptions of course if there is someone with disabilities in house who might trip over things left about.... also toddlers who might swallow things! Basic hygeine is important too!

Does she have a room of her own that she can do what she likes with - and can her friends go there? Does she have run of the kitchen when they come - to make coffee etc/snacks - provided they clear up of course.

As for Cribb's Causeway - heavens that place would give me the heebie-jeebies. It's probably our nearest big shopping centre  ( it's about 65 miles away). I've only driven past it and through the edge of it on the way cutting through somewhere and it was horrible!!!  Once I had to drive past in early Dec and the queues to get into it stretched right out onto the M5. Aaagh! A monument to rampant consumerism. I can see it's a treat for a 14 year old to buy a new item of clothing or two as a treat but educating her about sustainability in the world while giving her a few selected treats/pampering - will go a long way.

If you're feeling rough. Can you sit down at the weekend and direct her in some of the clearing up if you don't have the energy, and then reward her with some quality time together or some other treat (I don't mean bribe her either!). or you could legitimately pay her (with treats etc if you can afford it) in return for doing a bit more. My kids' pocket money and later allowance was dependent on their doing their share of jobs (it sort of went out of the window a bit when they got part-time jobs but by then they accepted they had jobs to do).

You have not let her down at all. I am wondering why you feel you have - because you can't spend money on her? She is 14 so should be able to think about getting a Saturday job to pay for extras and gradually increasing hours as she gets older. It's a truism to say that love isn't about spending money!

Do talk to her about values and priorities from the earliest opporuntity - and she will grow up with a better understanding and appreciation of what's really important in life.

I hope you will take this in the spirit in which it's meant ie helpful and re-assuring rather than critical 

Hurdity x

[diva]

Just read this and my heart goes out to you. I know you must feel apprehensive if you have been away form work for a while.

My daughters don't really understand what is happening to me, and it sounds the same for you. They are young, and unless  you have been through it, how could you. I am not sure I would have done at their age.

Just remember how strong you are for working through this. Sending you lots of love an support
xx

[CLKD]

I think that once you get back into the workplace and find your space, you will feel more relaxed.  Let us know how you get on!

[SallyG]

Thank you all very much for your messages of support. Hurdity, I will take on board that advice because it is all very valid. I always welcome advice from other women and mums. My daughter does need to do more housework and it will help her become more independent.

Thanks very much

Sally

[CLKD]

Does your daughter enjoy cooking?  If so it's a skill she could build upon, i.e. perhaps making a meal at weekends? or baking for the week?  DH bought a bread maker recently, it takes about 10 mins. to put the goodies together and the smell [think Bisto  advert.] - she might enjoy something productive?

At 14 she is old enough to tidy her room, sort her laundry ready for washing and wash up after meals.  Especially if it gives you more 'together' time!

Many ladies feel that they let down their families during The Change but that's what it is - a change for everyone in the household  . Making sure that your daughter is aware is important.

[SallyG]

Thank you CLKD. Very good advice which I will take on board.
Thanks everyone. First day back at work was fine.
Sally G

[CLKD]

Little steps.  Worst over, onwards and upwards 

You will probably be exhausted by the weekend so make some plans for relaxing.

[Chocolatechaos]

Glad your first day back was good. It makes a huge difference to having support. I have a progress meeting today with occupational health which I hope is going to go well. I have some restrictions on my work and am not feeling ready to have them lifted yet. My hrt has just been changed over from pills to patches so haven't had the full benefit yet. Getting back to work full time was a major step but I am not back to being me just yet! It is the residual anxiety that affects me at work mostly now.