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[honeybun]

I hate the winter season when all the talk is about noro virus. Warnings are all over and it just ranks up the tension. I could cope with me but the worry, the sight and the sounds and I just want to run. It spirals out out of reasonable thinking.
I hate drunks.....Just in case," even if I don't have to deal with it. I hate hospitals in case I see something. When I was a little girl my sister had a brain tumour. I was taken to see her. I remember walking with my brother-in-law and him telling me I was not to look in anyone's room. It stuck in my mind and now I am terrified.
It's irrational and I know it. I don't really think about it much but when someone in the house feels sick the tension builds. When it's over I tell myself that next time I will cope better. I have been telling myself that for years.
I am a control freak who works on not being controlling in all aspects in my life. I hate uncertainty and the unknown.

Honeyb
X

[bev567901]

I will have a look for Gut Reaction again Karen & will say hello to the owner, still can't remember her name but remember what she looks like!   I do think mine is all about control though. I'm not a big bossy person but would hate to not be the driver if my husband wasn't driving. I hate the dentist where you can't just get up & leave or anywhere else like big shopping centres unless I know the exits.  I think I am frightened to loose control like to loose my mind. I know it will never happen & the few times I have been in situations where I have had to loose control & had no choice I have been fine e.g giving birth & attached to a drip etc.  I may not be bossy but I am highly organised so maybe I need to give a little & lower my standards b x 

[honeybun]

I don't try and control my family. It's personal control for me. My hubby has health problems and the fact that I don't support him in his hospital appointments makes me very sad, both for him and me.
I have lived with this for the biggest part of my life and it isn't getting any better that's for sure.

Honeyb

[CLKD]

Bev you are not stupid!  you found the thread, it was there in front of you once I had posted 

Mine is nothing about control.  Mine is deep rooted fear which probably began within 24 hours of birth.  So the response is so deeply engrained that nothing works, I had talk therapy etc. but it didn't help - I KNOW the illogicality of it all, I KNOW that I am unlikely to be ill or see someone else be ill but phobias don't work like that!  I did see someone ill in the street about 6 months ago but couldn't help him, it didn't make my stomach lurch but I do worry since that he was epielptic or in some kind of medical trouble  but everyone was walking by <sigh>. 

When shopping I know where every waste paper bin behind the pay counter/bucket/drain is - in case.  When shopping I look for the way out - in case  ......... it has ruled my Life at times, even in my dreams 

I do have control issues but regarding other people.  Particularly a few in his family  - otherwise nothingn would get done at all!

[karenw]

Bev, I've sent you a PM.....

[Taz2]

It's interesting that yours started so young CLKD - do you know what happened within 24 hours from birth? Do you mind me asking what it is you are frightened might happen if it is not the fact that you fear losing control of your bodily functions etc?

Taz

[karenw]

Mine started around the age of 5-6 but I my first childhood memory is of having a nappy changed and some feelings of nausea when being thrust stomach-down onto my aunt's knee.  I was out of nappies at 12-14 months so this must have been when I was around a year old.

[bev567901]

Karen I have replied so if you don't get it let me know & blame the meno! x

[bev567901]

CLKD have you ever had any times when it has faded into the background not that it wasn't always there but you could sort of shrug it off & let rip almost.   I have given it some thought I remember when I was 30 & got divorced I went on the contraceptive pill & it went away. Could it have been all the good times I was having though? Then it came back after I re married & was no longer on the pill. I had some fertility hormone treatment which might have made it worse. I would say the last 9 yrs have been good'ish for me but could that be due to pregnancies & my body not levelling out its hormones again until the meno this year. Then I remember times pre anything hormonal being young & in a state so that makes me question the above. It wasn't constant though just times when I must have felt poorly. I've also just remembered about puberty time having a bad time with it & not eating my packed lunch until on the way home just in case........I think I have it constantly but only get full blown affecting my life badly when I feel nausea everyday for whatever reason & it seems hormones rate highly as a culprit. Sorry I am typing this as I think.   I still think anxiety rates highly in my life too places like Ikea can be a huge problem, I like to be in control of my circumstances.  I am going to think about this a bit more & see if you have any thoughts on your good times. B x

[Ju Ju]

CLKD, you asked me to expand on phobias being caused by the fear of death. I am fortunate enough not to suffer from Emitophobia. I do have a phobia about height, particularly in wide open spaces. Think of those escalators hanging in shopping malls! Seriously impacts on retail therapy! I cope by avoidance, which you can't do with vomiting. I empathise with you.

I went to a well renowned hypnotherapist, who my husband knows, to deal with the phobia, but we ended up dealing with the suppressed anger that I was carrying around. Will be forever be grateful. I have been invited to go back, so will one day. I can go on an escalator if I tightly hold on to someone's arm, (maybe cutting off their blood supply!), and close my eyes. I tend to hyperventilate.

I did a course with a life coach, who discussed this with me. I haven't looked any deeper into it, but it does make sense. I have thought deeply about my own mortality though, particularly after people close to me died. The thought of dying does scare me still, as maybe everyone does. I found comfort from reading these 2 books, 'Proof of Heaven, A Neurosurgeon's Journey into the Afterlife' by Dr Eben Alexander and 'Dying to be Me' by Anita Moorjani. Both are about near death experiences.

I think the association between phobias and the fear of death is worth thinking about. Why do we get them? I believe we are not conceived with phobias, but experiences in our early lives do cause them, maybe trauma or maybe more subtlely, not receiving the parenting appropriate for our needs. How many people experience unconditional love? We grow up fearful and feel unworthy.

[CLKD]

I was intubated as a small baby.  Mum thinks it stems from that time ......... I also apparently ate soap when about 11 months old and vomited bubbles    ....... she looked in through the window where my cot was and thought I was fitting 

I thought about this a lot yesterday.  Sometimes the fear was so bad I didn't want to go so School - but was told by Mum that "You can't go out tonight if you are off school in the day" .......... never "Have this morning off and see how you feel.  You might feel well enough to go out tonight".  Also: "If you are ill you will spoil the outing for everyone" ......... no empathy there then  (thanks JuJu! ) and the Consultant told her that I would 'grow out' of the inability to eat but no one asked me why I didn't eat nor did any adult help me 'grow out' of the fear.  It was assumed by those around me that growing up would be enough to make me 'grow out' I suppose  .

Before events or afterwards I would have deep panic attacks.  'In case' situations happened.  I still want to get through an event fast so that I know if I have enjoyed myself or if panic will drive me away - then I would at least know whether to attend: or not 

I have usually been able to eat chocolate and at times this has helped keep me alive.  Melt in the mouth syndrome I suppose.  Other foods are out of bounds but I have in the last 5 years expanded those 'safe' foods, but only if my gut is quiet.  I will go into places to eat, if my gut is quiet but am always looking for a way out and if someone coughs in the place    .......... I also eat very fast so t hat I get as much inside me in case my stomach shuts off ......... then DH can't say 'you must eat' 

I still never tell anyone in our social circle/s.  I don't want people watching my reactions if we *are* out and about i.e. walking/pubbing/antique events ..... and over the years with the Betablockas - which stop that awful lurch in my guts - I have been able to go to inside closed spaces, even the NEC  which I never thought during the 1990s that I would ever be able to do.  I still don't do music festivals, i.e. Cropredy Reunion, because all those people: up to 20,000+ : in that field means I can't get away anywhere ........ and the loos would have queues when I perhaps needed to hide away 

My GP has been WONDERFUL!  I did have intermittent 'therapies' for several years but because the phobia is deeply engrained ......  I never babysit for neighbours.  Pet sit yes, but not children    .......... I can't go to the theatre due to the panic starting, so dont' even look to see what is on: would LOVE to see Vincent and Flavia when they go to Oxford  ....... the last concert I enjoyed as Michael Ball, but that was £25.00 per seat      .......... and my wish is to see Les Misearables in London but the phaff of needing to book forwards as well as the journey, we haven't been to London for over 25 years and when I did go to the Chelsea Flower Show, I had a plastic bag within a bag .....

I have met people who are fearful of dogs/cats/buttons/insects/bats/moths/butterflies; I expect somewhere in the World someone is afraid of anything that is 'out there'  and being in Gut Reaction helped so much.  I had 2 letters from other sufferers that I could have written myself, almost word-for-word about how they suffered: exactly the same as I had done ............

[Ju Ju]

Think of me when you eat chocolate! I am a chocoholic who can't eat chocolate! It makes me feel rough, yet I carried on for a long time, before accepting I shouldn't eat it or any of the substitutes! 

CLKD, You are a survivor and very brave, probably because you have had to be. As they say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger! Looking back is healthy as long as you can with no blame. Most parents do the best for their children with the skills they have, but if they have been inappropriately parented themselves, how can they do a good job? What kind of childhood experiences did our parents have? And their parents?

My Mum was loved, but aware she was a mistake. She has only recently told me that her family of 6 lived 2 rooms during the depression, in poverty. Her brother had rickets, 2 had TB. She was evacuated in the war. I know she was angry. She had to be in control and I was collateral damage. I was told I was naughty all the time,( my sister was the good clever one) though the school expressed concern that I was so timid and well behaved. Interestingly,  she considered both my sister's and my second child naughty and difficult. I consider both are wonderful people and always have been. I was depressed throughout my childhood and diagnosed with clinical depression at age 14.  Took ADs for a few years, which may have interfered my sexual development, hence low libido. I think I have OCD, which was severe then. At age 17 I made a conscious decision to live a good life, not try to fight it, be honest and work round it. I still have issues, particularly with faeces and dirt, but is liveable with. The best thing I ever did was leave home and get some distance. I never thought I would marry, but then I met my husband......33 years married this year and I love him even more now than then. I have had low periods since then, but never like then. I never dared tell anyone I was having suicidal thoughts, even when asked by the psychiatrist. I knew they were thinking hospitalisation. Gut feeling was NO! Think back to the 60s.

It has helped looking back, understanding and forgiving. Understanding why I do some things, think and feel; that my thoughts are just that.....thoughts, not reality. I am taking on board that it is ok to be me, that in fact I am pretty amazing. I have produced 2 happy, balanced children, who have not inherited my hang ups. I must have done something right! I think my health issues are very much linked to my early life. I don't know what feeling well, healthy and energetic feels like. Menopause has made things worse. But I do experience happiness.

I think self acceptance just as you are is the key; that it is ok to be you. It is as it is. Look for joy around you. What are you grateful for? And be proud of your achievements. Who can you trust and feel comfortable talking and being honest with? I have considered it a privilege, when people have confided in me. Don't be embarrassed. I have so much respect for you. Now go and have a bar of chocolate......for me. 

[CLKD]

   I was eating a choc-chip brownie as I read your answer.

I was angry.  Which is how talk therapy helped intermittently during the 1990s.  My parents are/were teachers and even now, Mum has to have things her way, there was rarely any 'give' from either of them.  They were teachers and parents so Knew Best  . 

It is lovely to have moved away.  I married in 1975, left their house without looking back.  It was only when we moved here in 1983 that I realised that people liked me for who I am, not who they want/expect me to be.  And boy was I bolshie throughout my early 20s    .... but something must have shone through ......... I no longer take it personally when people stop being my 'friend' or move house, it's their decision and not based on my personality.

I still get angry at my Mum who has narcissitic personality as has my sister who can wind me up quicker than anyone else  which is why I choose not to have anything to do with her and very little to do with my Mum - 48 hours with her is enough    ......... I was angry and afraid of my Dad rolled into one but can see now that it was Mum who 'drove' him to be an angry person.  Too late though, he died in 2006.

My sister can do no wrong in Mum's eyes, well Mum moans about her a lot but never 'puts her right' ......... she paid off any debts for my sister, she bought new clothes/shoes/make up as early as age 8 - she was allowed out until mid-night at a time when I was expected in by 10.00 p.m. OR ELSE .......... <sigh>

My husband loves me for who I am not what he expects me to be, God knows if it were the latter he wouldn't now be in the kitchen making apple chutney 

[Ju Ju]

Oh do I remember that 'or else' when going out! My Mum would go ballistic if I was 5 minutes late. I gave up going out as my friends didn't understand that I couldn't be late. Why did she behave like that? I left home at 18 to go to college. I think I would have been promiscuous, if I scared of sex. I was very immature, but loved term time and hated holidays. Poor Mum still has control issues. Fought all the way on all issues, stair lift, walking stick, trolley, help in the garden. Now beginning to admit she and Dad are not coping with the housework. I would help, but Mum hovers around getting upset if I don't do it exactly as she does. I do stuff if she in hospital. I pity anyone who comes to clean! I do feel cross that my sister died. She got on much better with Mum. We could have shared the load. My Dad looks after her, but he lets her get away with 'bad behaviour'.

I was never close to my sister, until she was ill. All that lost it's importance. There are so many questions I would like to ask. What was her childhood experience like? My niece asked me if she was happily married. I don't know. Now I have learnt to say to people who treat me badly is that I love you, but that is unacceptable. If things don't improve, then I walk.

If you enjoy reading, another book I have found helpful is 'Real Love' by Greg Baer. Very readable and explains the difference between conditional and unconditional love.

I feel I'm on a journey. Only recently have I accepted that emotional health is interconnected with physical health. It's a relief to know that I am not responsible for other people's behaviour. If they are horrible, it is because they are in a bad place and has nothing to do with me.

[CLKD]

Everyone sees a situation differently, even when shared.  What I remember from issues whilst growing up my sister sees totally differently: she's 5 years younger: and Mum sees it differently from either of us