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[GypsyRoseLee]

Hello - another anxiety sufferer here.

I have always suffered with PMS but never experienced anxiety until I had PND after my first child was born. The anxiety was absolutely crippling. I ended up on ADs which sort of helped me function but I didn't feel like me anymore. Felt sort of hollowed out and grey. Couldn't cry, but couldn't giggle either. Finally after 2.5 years I went cold turkey off them. It was a slightly bumpy ride, but I never really looked back.

Was absolutely fine for the next 10 years. Then 17 months ago I noticed my periods were getting much lighter and closer together. Then out of the blue the anxiety arrived. I recognised the sensations immediately from when I had PND. Because my periods were still regular and I wasn't having any hot flushes I didn't equate this anxiety with peri menopause/hormones. I must have been stupid not to realise the link 

It was just awful. Within days I became a shadow of my former self. I felt frightened all the time. Vulnerable. Kept experiencing waves of despair. I became scared of the dark. Scared of it getting dark outside (not great when it's January). I didn't recognise myself. I was terrified I was genuinely going mad. Then the random insomnia started. Just lying there hour after hour, with my mind all hollowed out and whirling.

My GP never mentioned hormones, just diagnosed stress and just started me on sertraline. I reacted badly to it, so I swapped to amitriptyline. This is an older, tri-cyclic AD with quite a sedating effect. It worked but slowly. Sleep improved. But I felt foggy and a bit detached from my life. Also I would still get episodes of feeling anxious and jittery which I think were linked to my cycle?

Went cold turkey off the amitriptyline last September. Initially felt great. Then experienced mood swings and anxiety again. But it was very erratic. Good days and bad days. Finally got referred to a gynaecologist who immediately diagnosed me with peri menopausal anxiety. But by the time I had my appointment with her I'd enjoyed several weeks of feeling 'okay again' so I declined her offer of HRT.

Bad mistake. Huge.

My anxiety came back with a vengeance and I had a dreadful Xmas and New Year. My anxiety manifests as waking very early with the meerkat response. Immediate feelings of dread. Inability to enjoy anything. Having to fake every smile. Having to force myself to cuddle my children. Hating crowds but also scared of being alone. And all the while this underlying jitteriness and dread. I get diarrhoea and nothing tastes right. I have lost 14lbs since Xmas because I often can't eat.

But then inexplicably it all fades away and I can have several days or even a couple of weeks of feeling perfectly normal and happy again. I have just enjoyed a full 5 weeks of feeling very well and happy. It was bliss. My period came and went and I barely noticed it. But then I had a very long gap (for me) of a 32 day cycle before my next period finally arrived last weekend. Within 24 hours the anxiety was back. Early waking. Diarrhoea. I have lost 4lbs this week. Dreading being alone again. Dreading the thought of our holiday next month. Jittery. No pleasure in anything. This has been going on now for 6 days. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Going back to the gynaecologist next month to ask for HRT. I am only in my early 40s and can't face feeling like this for the next 10-15 years.

[CLKD]

It truly is awful.     ………. it starts around my belly button if my body is hungry and floors me if it's below as my whole gut area goes stiff.  Somehow 

Even though I know it's hormonal and the fight/flight response it is so physical that I am unable to function without resorting to the emergency medication - which I know does work within 40 mins. so only use it when I become unable to do anything.  I can sit here floored with anxiety telling myself "it's caused by ……. " but that doesn't ease it anyhow.

Keeping a food/mood/cycle diary might help?  Also eating small amounts regularly.  Stops those hunger surges.  Dry ginger biscuits?

HRT will protect your heart and bones   

[GypsyRoseLee]

It is the most awful crippling thing isn't it. It just floors you.

I can push on through it, but inside I feel like I'm breaking into a billion tiny pieces and the feelings of dread are just awful, horrible. I have to force everything. Force myself to smile. Force myself to speak. Force myself to eat/get dressed, shower etc. It's incredibly hard.

When it's really intense I take 10mg of diazepam which works well, but this is only a last resort. And, I can go weeks and weeks not needing to take anything at all. Then WHAM it comes back out of nowhere.

I know just what you mean about logically telling yourself 'It's just hormones, I KNOW it's just hormones' and it not making a scrap of difference.

Yesterday, I had diarrhoea, felt chilled all day, my hair felt dry...ALL symptoms of hormonal fluctuations. So I know my anxiety is part of the same package. I know it is. But it doesn't make it any easier at all.

[CLKD]

Because it is so physical.  'mind over matter' don't work for me at all  ……….  …….. I can't push through any more and certainly Valium as necessary helped in the 1990s.

[Kristy]

It is so reassuring to know that I am not alone with my current anxiety, although I wish none of us had to go through it.
My anxiety is worse in the morning and almost gone by evening when I feel more like my old self. I also am finding it hard to feel hungry earlier in the day with some improvement by evening. The other thing I hate is that I cannot cope well with stress at the moment and just want to cry like a baby when it all gets too much.
I feel like I have turned into a shadow of my former self sometimes and just wish I could feel 'normal' again.

[GypsyRoseLee]

You're not alone Kristy. There are lots of us on here who know exactly how you feel and sympathise. I've had such fantastic support from women on here, they've been so informative and helpful 

I've been battling with hormonal related anxiety and low mood for nearly 18 months now. I' turned down my consultant's offer of HRT last year. Instead I threw everything I had at it but it hasn't been enough. I've tried ADs. I tried cutting out sugar. I have tried heavy duty supplements. Nothing has worked for me.

Seeing my GP tomorrow to ask for HRT. I have no quality of life for several days or weeks at a time. Like you I just want to feel 'normal' again.

[CLKD]

I have felt 'normal' since Thursday - I resorted to an emergency tablet 'in case' rather than waiting to be floored, took a Propranolol night and monring until Sunday and so far so good ........... it is such a relief to have a break from even thinking about anxiety ......... shame to have the 'calm before the storm' at the back of my  mind  but I could almost say 'it's gone' : however    ..........

[jedigirl]

Kristy,
My anxiety is just like that, horrible in the mornings, much better by evening and has an impact on my eating. I have lost alot of weight and struggle to buy clothes. People tell me I'm lucky to be small but its no fun looking for size 6 clothes or resorting to teen clothes when you're 45! Just want some curves back.
I am more able to push through the uncomfortable days than i was, though the really bad days still floor me with how awful I can feel physically.
CLKD,
Glad you are having some respite from it all, enjoy!
GypsyRoseLee,
Good luck with the HRT. I have to say it has helped me hugely even though I was reluctant to use it I knew I had to to get my life back. I was being told I wasn't ill, but I felt it! It's not perfect but I dread to think how I would be without it.

Hugs to all you lovely ladies struggling at the moment. We are lucky to have this site to turn to 

[GypsyRoseLee]

Thank you Jedigirl.

On Day 3 of my Estrodot patch, and taking first Utrogestan 200mg tonight (very nervously).

Like you, I couldn't bear the thought of enduring any more low moods and anxiety. It was ruining my life and affecting my family. I know HRT isn't a magic wand. But if it stops me looking at a passing bus and thinking 'I could walk in front of that and all this anxiety would just stop' then that's good enough for me.

[CLKD]

GRL - I get dark thoughts with anxiety too 

If we are hungry, do we not eat: if we need medication, should we not try it ……….

[GypsyRoseLee]

They're quite frightening aren't they CLKD 

I think that's the difference between feeling 'generally a bit low and fed up' and feeling a 'real despair that makes you question you're ability to carry on living.'

[Dulciana]

I'm feeling anxious about tomorrow, because I'm swapping places with another organist for the Sunday morning service.  I realise I'm very lucky to get this chance and it's all great experience, but menopausal feelings are starting to set in - picturing the scene, dreading it, imagining how I'll feel, worrying about being surrounded by people I don't know, etc..........I just hope I'll be okay.   I really need to have my wits about me and I need a really good night's sleep tonight.   Here's hoping....

[GypsyRoseLee]

Dulciana I am sure you will be absolutely fine. These pesky meno hormones steal away our self confidence don't they?

[Dulciana]

Thanks GypsyRoseLee.
Yes...they do. 

[jedigirl]

Dulciana
How did your service go? I think you're amazing to be able to do that at all!

I am having a very trying day. Have swung from feeling reasonable to desperately anxious, upset tummy and despondency and just starting to feel it ease a bit now. Am trying to hold off taking half a diazepam as i am at work tomorrow and they knock me out but hate feeling so weird. Meditated and slept for an hour which helped but I wish i knew how to get the old me back. I hate that this jumps up from nowhere and floors me.

 This has been a hard few weeks even with the HRT. Fed up of having to struggle like this with no help from the GP. They are happy to listen and give me what i ask for but useless at advising.

Am dreading how I might feel for work tomorrow, grrrr  Ah well, will make dinner to distract myself. You never know I might even eat some