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[hanging.on.in.there]

I must say I tend to agree ! x

[Ju Ju]

Sadly, this whole scenario reminds me of the bullying my daughter encountered at school at age 13. Then it was put down to hormones and puberty. You would have thought that maturity would make a difference, but sadly for some it doesn't.

Remind your daughter that this is not about her, even if it feels like it.  The girl who started all this is reacting to other issues in her life experience. While it doesn't excuse 'bad' behaviour, it does help to have some understanding of where people like this are coming from. It hurts when people are hostile, but you can't control how other people are. All she needs to do is carry on being the lovely girl she is. And move on if she can.


 My daughter now reflects back on that period of bullying positively. She says it made her stronger and helped to let her know what she would or would not tolerate in any kind of relationship. She's now a tough, but lovely cookie. At school, she gradually moved on to new friendships, one of which she has a rewarding friendship with now. But it is hard for us mums seeing our children through tough times.

The comment about mixed shared houses is true. I noticed when I was working how dynamics changed for the better in staff rooms, where there was a male member!


Best wishes to you both.

[dahliagirl]

I think Ju ju is right - when people behave like this it is more about their problems than you.  It took me a long time to learn this. 

One of my daughters, who had many lovely friends at school, struggled in the first year where she was billeted in accommodation with 8 boys and 4 girls.  The boys behaved abominably and the girls (and one boy) had to move out before they lost their deposit.  She had to go into similar university accommodation the next year because she had found noone to share with as a result of this and is in a houseshare this year.  They are struggling with toilet roll issues 

[Scampi]

I cannot offer any ideas, but I completely understand how you feel - my daughter went through something very similar in her second year at Uni. 

Her Uni is close to home (about 25 minutes travelling), but she decided to house-share with some friends in her second year so she could be more part of the social side .... she shared with a girl she had been very close to at secondary school, and a guy who turned into the other girl's boyfriend.  They totally shut my daughter out, left the communal areas of the house a mess, hardly spoke to her (or were openly hostile - making it clear she was 'in the way').  It made my daughter ill - she desparately wanted to move out and tried very hard to find someone to take over her room, but failed.  In the end, I paid her rent for the last 4 months and got her home and well again.  She is fine now, in her final year - she still lives at home, but she is fully involved with the social side of Uni, and stays overnight with the REAL friends she has made when she needs to.

Hang in there (sorry - no pun intended!) - it will get better.

[dahliagirl]

It is very difficult now that landlords tie them into contracts they cannot get out of.  In my day (can't believe I have written that!), you took the house together, and if someone walked out, you had to find someone to replace them, or pay the difference.

[Scampi]

They all signed, and were each responsible for their own share of the rent.  So the only way my daughter could walk away was to find someone to take her room.  Once bitten, they say!

[hanging.on.in.there]

Thank you - this is all making me feel much more able and confident to offer advice and cope, knowing it's not just us !
So many of my thoughts and conclusions have been reinforced by everyone else's.

Husband totally doesn't understand female friendships, so I gave up trying to talk it through with him !

[hanging.on.in.there]

Dear all, an update.

I have just had a call from my daughter.

It seems they have resolved their issues ( how or when I dont know yet, will find out at Xmas I guess)
They are all house hunting together and socialising together again and going down to London at Xmas for a couple of days.
I can't believe it, I didnt think it would happen as my daughter thought the situation had gone beyond being able to be saved. I am so relieved I cant tell you, I didnt realise just how physically stressed I was about it.

Let's hope the peace lasts and lessons have been learnt as they say.

Thanks for your kind support through this x 

[Joyce]

That's good to hear. Maybe realised they'd miss each other's company. Girls are a bit like that at times. My daughter had a group of friends at uni, been through school together too. One of them is & always has been hard to "read". But through fall outs etc, they've all still stayed friends & accepted this girl will always be the same. It comes down to accepting that sometimes we have to agree to disagree & get on with what life throws at us.

[Rowan]

Its a hard life lesson to learn even at any age cubagirl and very true.

[CLKD]

  for the update!

[honeybun]

Not even sure mixed accommodation is much better. My daughter was sharing with one girl and three lads. It was not a happy mix on any level.
It did make her grow up a lot and although home this year is considering moving back to the city for her fourth year.
This time she would share with girlfriends and not strangers.

My son would dearly like to flat share with his sister but until she leaves uni and gets a job that can't happen. I suspect they would kill each other anyway 
Strange thing is a few years ago they hardly spoke and seemed to dislike each other on occasions, now they are the best of friends and meet up as often as they can.

So pleased your daughter has got things sorted....exam time approaches and living somewhere peaceful is really important.

Honeyb
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