Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Shonyh]

Over the last 2 years, a young lady of 22 years has come into my life. She was having serious family problems, that is was necessary to get the police involved. I was asked to provide support and ultimately, after hiding her and numerous court cases,  she became part of the family, I espcially had fallen in love with her.

However, this has now turned into obsession. I got upset when she got a boyfriend and didn't contact me as much as she did. I would be extremely anxious, needy, tearful, which upset her too. I have now got so upset that I sent her a text from my husband's phone basically asking her to be more attentive, or leave me alone. I can't understand myself doing it. I've never been obsessed like this and I scared her and myself.

She is now not communicating with me much, so the obsession killed a lovely thing.

has anybody else felt this obsessional behaviour due to the menopause, as I just feel like I'm going mad.

[Suzi Q]

When you say youve fallen in love with her do you mean romantically?
Or fallen in love with her as a daughter and best freind?
Its hard to answer cos I dont know which way oyu mean it?
the young girl evidently is thankful for all you did or shed not have phoned you BUT your not her MUM or Girlfreind
As is only right shes moving on  has got a Boyfreind and is making a life for herself one you helped her too acheive.
She was in touch but is it that you want it to be daily maybe even 2/3 times a day yes?
IKt sounds like she got scared of you and your intense feelings for her and whod be surprised with her family probs
Maybe to her she felt shed ended up swapping one lot of problems for another yourself.
IMO maybe you should see someone to help you realise what type of feelings you have for the girl?
Shes gone and is no longer in touch u HAVE to let it go or legal problems might come to your door.
R U LONELY? DO U HAVE FRIENDS CHILDREN? IM sorry  but we cant blame all our problems on menopause.
You need to look at yourself try to think why you feel this was and yes its unhealthy for you@hubbie xxxxx

[Ju Ju]

No you can't blame the menopause for this. This is about you and your feelings about being needed and the drama of the situation. You provided a valuable service for this vulnerable young lady at first, but part of that service is providing a haven as a springboard to independence and making a life for herself. She is making this transition and needs a different kind of support now. You are not making this healthy transition and are now behaving in a way that is damaging not just towards this young lady, to others around, but also to yourself.

You recognise there is a problem here, which is good. I suggest you seek support yourself, perhaps counselling? To have a look at why you find it difficult to let go. When you do any kind of support work with people, the focus has to be on the people you are supporting, rather than on you. You do reap benefits, but that has to be incidental. In an organised setting you will be supervised and supported yourself. This sounds like an informal arrangement, where no such support was forthcoming. It does feel good to be needed, but as with parenting, part of the job is letting go.

[Shonyh]

Maternal relationship

husband and lots of friends

Being obsessive like this and the irrational behaviour is not due to the menopause. Could you explain how you can tell the difference? This is behaviour that I have never shown before, so I'm confused. 

[CLKD]

You need to see your GP.  Make a list of your period pattern, eating habits, alcohol regime.  Take your husband with you for back up.

You can explain more fully to your GP your family background, i.e. are there issues earlier on which might cause rejection feelings?  You may need to consider counselling in order to face any anger about this girl moving on; whether you feel that she 'owes you' for rescuing her.

A counsellor will be able to help you with any emotional feelings - you became very involved for a while, you helped her through a difficult time and now she is moving forwards.  You may miss the drama that such situations can cause.  A counsellor will help face feelings which will enable you.

[Ju Ju]

We can't stop thoughts coming into our heads. We attach feelings to these thoughts depending on our life experience. However we do have control over what we do about these thoughts. We don't have to chase them and we certainly don't have to act on them if they they are harmful thoughts. We all live in our heads, but what we think is not necessarily real. For example, I used to worry what other people think about me, but in reality they were unlikely to be judging me. They were too busy with their own concerns. I know someone who has had a successful life and is generally happy, but still has suicidal thoughts. He has learnt, with support, that that is ok as thoughts pass, along with any attached thoughts. He doesn't act on them.

 I do urge you to seek either counselling or life coaching, as long as you choose someone you feel comfortable with. I have found this support invaluable. CLKD's suggestion of seeing a doctor first is a good idea, particularly if your husband is prepared to come with you.

Hormones do have an effect on our emotions, but our life experience does have a huge bearing on this as well. It is too simplistic to blame this on the menopause.

Have you had a family of your own? Many mothers have experienced feelings akin to bereavement when their children leave home. They have the choice to deal with how they feel or become needy with their children.

 You have had a very intense experience helping this young lady for a relatively short period of time. Your feelings were intense as well and now she has left, you are left high and dry. I may have sounded unsympathetic. I am sorry for how you feel, but I cannot condone you acting on them. You are important and you deserve support, but so does this young vulnerable woman. I hope she has support from others. I wish you well.

[Shonyh]

Thanks for the comments.  However, I'm not suggesting that I did the right thing. That was not my question. I know absolutely that I did the wrong thing. Please don't focus on the event, but the feelings.

What I want to know is if the obsession is something to do with the menopause? has anyone else found their feelings for a single thing, or person been extreme? I would really like to know.

Thanks

[Cassie]

The tearful emotional part definitely can be attributed to meno...the obsessive/jealous behaviour...mmm not sure, could be...but I detect deeper underlying issues, that are perhaps causing it....hope you get sorted...

[Winterose]

Am sure the menapause can mess with your head given certain circumstances - we are ruled by our hormones and in some people it leads to depression, no energy or a myriad of other mental symptoms - however it would have to been seen as part of a larger picture which as all the good advice here suggests you see someone. The great thing is you see the problem so you are not far from being sorted - do you work?

[Ju Ju]

 Are you frightened that this is a mental health issue and would you find it easier to be able to pin it on the menopause? Are these feelings continuing? Or is this an episode that you have moved on from? You are obviously worried, so seeking help would be a good idea.

[tiger74]

we cant blame all our problems on menopause.

It is too simplistic to blame this on the menopause.

would you find it easier to be able to pin it on the menopause?

Absolutely!


Shonyh

Please don't focus on the event, but the feelings.

To be fair to the people who have taken the time to respond, I think a lot of the content of the replies here does concentrate on the feelings - the responses are generously smattered with the words "feelings" and "emotion". 

Your original question was

has anybody else felt this obsessional behaviour due to the menopause, 

No-one has come forward to indicate that they have.  Perhaps not the answer you wanted to hear.

I would add my name to the list of those who haven't experienced obsessional behaviour (at any point in my life).  Maybe some people have, in which case, perhaps they will post on here at some stage and indicate whether this was pre- or post-menopause and if they connected it with the menopause, what mechanism they used to make this connection. 

You don't ask "what shall I do about how I'm feeling?" so I shan't venture unsolicited advice or an opinion on that.

[Dyan]

I have OCD in the form of obsessional thoughts.
The menopause didn't cause mine only makes it flare up from time to time.

[tiger74]

An interesting input, thank you Dyan.

[CLKD]

I have been obsessional about issues since an early age not affected by menopause.

Have you spoken to your GP today?

[Winterose]

Shona - you were incredibly kind to this girl and am sure the whole event was a bit of an emotional roller coaster for you all and perhaps this is a bit of the fall out.   The event which has taken up all your waking time is over and perhaps there is a bit of void .  I think lots of people have some obsessional behavior but for the most part it stays in their head.