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[Joyce]

My brother has just left for home after a two day visit. It became very clear that neither of us appeared to have good memories of our parents, especially our mother. It's actually quite sad that this is the case. Do we lose the ability to remember the good stuff as we age, or are we just bitter?

[honeybun]

If there were lots of good things then you would both remember at least a few of them.
Parents have such an impact on their children's life's .....on into adult hood and beyond.

I did have a happy childhood and do have lots of good memories.

What I'm going to have to work really hard at is when my mother passes away trying to remember back to the time she was not a difficult and sometimes positively horrible old woman.

I don't think you and your brother are being bitter, just honest.


Honeyb
x
I suspect it will take a while 

[babyjane]

I saw a TV programme a while ago with Michael Mosley that explained how our life experiences especially when we are young change our brain pathways for good or not so good.  If there is truth in this it would explain why I am still haunted by things over 50 years later and no matter how hard I try to 're-learn' ingrained habits I always seem to return to my brain's default setting which is not a happy one and has contributed to my chronic stress.

I really wish there was a way to re-programme the memory because there must have been some good times in there somewhere among all the anguish.

[CLKD]

I don't remember much of my childhood at all !  I get flash backs about horrid issues but never happy ones 

[babyjane]

CLKD ((gentle hug))

[CLKD]

  I did visit a friend 18 months ago who reiterated what I thought I knew - that my sister was/is spoiled and it was me, being the eldest, that got the blame ……. so I didn't imagine it all 

[babyjane]

I have a neighbour/friend who had a similar experience CLKD and it still matters to this day and she has a poor relationship with her sister as a result.

[Limpy]

CG - It's difficult to have memories of good things when there weren't any.
Perhaps it's just the way thing were - well it is for me........

[babyjane]

I wonder if a negative or unhappy childhood predisposes us to develop stress and anxiety related problems later in life. I was a very anxious child due to my home situation and get easily stressed and anxious even at my age.

I think we need a 

I like this forum as I find it very hard to accept a hug in real life.

[honeybun]

We do have the power to change things though. I had a happy childhood, my dad was a lovely man and my mother mothered a young child very well.
It wasn't until I got older I discovered my mother was very controlling and demanding.
My dad died when I was 19. Then my problems started.
I swore to myself I would mother differently....and I have.

I do not and have never tried to run my kids life's. They know I'm here to support but the choices they make are there own.

So if we can learn from what happened to us and make sure we don't let history repeat itself then that is a wonderful thing.


Honeyb
x

[babyjane]

well done honeybun, you did well. For me it is too late as mine are all grown and flown. I can only be thankful that the influence of their father counteracted the mistakes I made based on how I was parented.

[Ju Ju]

Yes you may be right. I am continually surprised that good things have happened to me, marrying someone so lovely. It has taken many years for him to convince me that I am loveable. As a young woman, I assumed I would not marry and have children. He had to work hard to woo me! I have 2 voices in my head, one telling me I'm not up to much and another telling me that's rubbish and that I deserve good things in life. I try to listen to the latter.

I do have love good memories of my mum. She did nurse me through many illnesses throughout my childhood with patience and kindness. Many long sleepless nights. Two different people it seems.

[CLKD]

My anxiety certainly began in childhood.  From age 3 I had panic attacks but can't remember what the background situation was.  Issues are in the background of my mind, out of reach ……. trouble is, as a child I didn't realise that my parents had a 'life' before marriage  : they continued bickering between each other for years until it got to be a very bad habit ……… my sister remembers issues within the house that I have no recall of. 

[bramble]

The main reason I did not have children is that I did not have the confidence that I would be a better parent than my own were. All I remember most from when I was young were all the arguments that went on in my house between my parents. I do not remember ever getting a hug  or told I had done well.............. Not a happy time.
Bramble

[Limpy]

You me both Bramble, well that and OH saying he would flee the country if I had kids, probably to Peru......

CLKD - Is this the sister you don't get on with?
"my sister remembers issues within the house that I have no recall of"