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[CLKD]

Honeybun: You said in ahothe thread that you feel your Mum doesn't like you  ……… is it your Mum rather than the 'illness' that is causing her to 'dislike' you?  Or is she fed up generally?

When do you go in again?

[littleminnie]

 

[Galadriel]

For what it's worth... I watched my beloved Nana interact with my mum and her hubby. She was utterly despicable with them... It was the dementia in control. She was great with me and my dad.
It was awful to watch someone I knew to be such a loving person become a monster with the two people closest to her.
DH's Nana was always a strict but fair person. It was difficult to tell if she approved of/liked me or not. However when dementia got a grip on her, I realised she had actually liked me. Hubby's Nana had been such a lady all her life (with very high standards) and to hear the vim and vitriol she spat out at everyone was very distressing.

Reading your threads HB, it seems your mum was a challenge when she was herself and is now even more of a challenge now she's older.... I know from watching my Mum that it is the toughest thing to deal with.



Galadriel x

[CLKD]

I am almost through reading a book about Magnuss Magnesson's wife who had gradual on-set dementia and it is a very good read, not morbid really and Sally as a journalist can step back a bit. She has written the book 'directed' at her Mum through this sad time.  How the dementia takes over and how scary her Mum felt at times being 'lost' and 'shut away' ……. singing and music helped keep a sense of humour.

[honeybun]

My mother is awkward. She was very spoiled by my dad over the years and when he died quite young she was lost for a while, but returned expecting to be just as spoiled. My sis and I fell into that and did what was required to keep her happy. We had a few years peace when she married again but again was spoiled. She did not treat her second husband well at all.
She was not a monster, she spoiled my kids and was a great gran when they were young. She was also good to me, she bought me my little dog as when my last one passed I couldn't afford another at the time. So yes she was kind at times......but there were terms. Jump when she said, run, when she said.

She does not like me now. She tells me I'm hard, cold and unfeeling. That hurts. What hubby says, is, she can no longer call the shots with me because I have changed my priorities and can say ..NO.
She wants more than I can give. My hubby, as all of you know, has health problems and I need to be with him.
He, whilst he is feeling well, wants to go on holidays and just do things together.  Our kids are independent now, and he wants us to spread our wings. I can't say no to that, so mother feels as if I neglect her.

It's such a difficult situation. My sister told me that I can love our mother but don't have to like her and that hits the nail on the head.

I do what I do out of duty, and not a lot else.

Awful situation to be honest.

Honeybun
X

[CLKD]

It is sad to feel like a continual carer and not a loved daughter.  It's difficult to separate what is manipulative behaviour, old habits or due to the gradual decline in your Mum's health.

Take the opportunity of going with DH though  ……… if only your Mum was pleased for you she could enjoy your tales on your return but she is where she wants to be …….. old habits die hard!

[honeybun]

I haven't been a loved daughter for many years.

Again sis and I have discussed this.....my mother is no longer capable of being a mother. She is simply too old. Everything that happens....her first response is to question how it will affect her.

I'm used to it now and it really doesn't trouble me very much at all.

This is how it is and it will now remain the same.

She is not my favourite person, but I will keep on doing what I do because it's the right thing.

When the time comes my conscience will be clear as I always do the best I can.

Honeybun
X

[CLKD]

Sally found that her Mum became cross because she was no longer able to 'do stuff' - even getting dressed or reading, remembering names or where she was - but inside, during the few lucid moments, she got angry because she suddenly remembered that she could no longer 'do' …… I will probably finish the book in the bath later.

[groundhog]

Completely identify with what you are saying HB x
My mother is 76 and basically vascular dementia has changed her so much.  It's very difficult to deal with and in reality my situation could continue for decades.  I don't have good health and I want to live a bit before it's too late.  Horrible choice to have to make

[Limpy]

My sister told me that I can love our mother but don't have to like her and that hits the nail on the head.

That is such a true, sensible and helpful thing to say.

Your sister must be feeling it too HB, hasn't her OH got health issues.

[CLKD]

Maybe reading Sally Magnussen's book might give an insight 

Give me the strength to accept those things I am unable to change?

[Taz2]

Hi groundhog. You have my real understanding and sympathy with your mum's diagnosis as my own mum had this type of dementia. Although you feel that you may be in this situation for many years this will probably not be the case. Because vascular dementia is caused by poor blood flow usually as a side effect of heart disease or some kind of circulation problem, then life expectancy is not great and certainly not decades. It's not like some of the other dementias where the sufferer can go on for years and years gradually declining. I believe it's around four years from diagnosis in most cases. My mum lived for two years after she was finally diagnosed but it was four years really from when we first began to notice a change in personality. I was very grateful, for her, that the illness was relatively short-lived.

Taz x 

[CLKD]

How was Mother yesterday, interested in your time away - at all?

[honeybun]

 , she never asked, although to be fair she did ask when I called her during the week.

Same old mother im afraid. I walk in, she looks at me and then takes her frustrations out on me.

Hey ho, I hardly listen anymore. I simply can't be bothered.


Honeybun
X

[CLKD]

It's because they don't see anyone else that they feel 'safe' enough to vent *at*  ……. Mother is the same …….. but I don't need it ...