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[kerrieann]

Hope no one minds me asking advice on this but a a neighbor of ours, little boy has recently passed away aged only 3, its heartbreaking
we are not close neighbors but often stop to chat etc and we know all of the extended family who are a lovely lot.
my worry is and i know this sounds trivial, but do we stand outside when they bring him home and watch the horse and carriage leave for the church or is that not the done thing or  is it showing respect ?
i would so hate to offend, some of us neighbors have had flowers made for him and were told that we were welcome to the church service, which i think is better left to family and close friends but i woudnt like to seem disrespectful by standing outside or by staying inside
any advice ladies please

[honeybun]

I can only speak for myself but when I lost my baby daughter I just wanted privacy. We had a family only funeral...it was all we could cope with.
Ask your neighbours what they intend to do.

To be honest the parents will not even notice. Flowers and a card will be lovely. Speak to the mum when you see her afterwards.....so many people avoided me for a long while which hurt a lot.

It's an awful thing to have to do. No parent should have to bury a child.


Honeyb
x

[purplenanny]

Oh gosh, how awful and terribly sad.
A close work colleague lost her little boy of the same age a few years ago and the service was really emotional but beautiful at the same time (if that makes sense)
Personally I think if they have said you are welcome at the service , they may appreciate your support of just being there.
I am not sure about standing outside/staying inside, hopefully one of the other ladies can help
Really sad for them, lovely of you all to do flowers, these things mean so much. pn x x

[kerrieann]

honeybun,, i really hope it hasnt upset you in any way reading ,my post.

a couple of my neighbors said they will stand outside and someone said we should leave our blinds and curtains drawn, which is something i havent heard of for a long time

[honeybun]

No not at all.

It was coming up on 22 years ago now. Not something you forget though. My girl was only 5days old.I

Really the parents won't know what planet they are on so you do what feels right for you. The curtains closed thing is an old fashioned mark of respect and a nice one I think.

Honeyb
x

[kerrieann]

honey bun,  i know the family wont even notice who is out your right, they are in a state poor souls, i will probably go out just to show that we do care x

[honeybun]

Really, whatever you are comfortable with.

It's afterwards, when everyone around is moving on and things are quiet. That's the time to offer some support if you can.

I should say I have two great kids. One 25...a boy and a girl of nearly 20. The little girl I lost was between them. I have been very lucky really.

It's a hellish thing though and something no one should have to go through. A very sad time for all around this couple.


Honeyb
x

[CLKD]

Very sad.  Our family had a child die aged 15 months and it was never spoken about apart from once when my Dad tried to talk to me but Mum interuppted, "we don't talk about that"  .  Taking a card and asking how they would like you to remember their child is an ice-breaker, i.e. "I would like to be at the Service if it isn't private" although the funeral director will know the arrangements.

Our village shop is next to the Church so lights are dimmed and blinds pulled if there is a Funeral.  Curtains are pulled in some villages but I am sure that if you watch from outside with the others, it shows respect. 

After, do speak with the parents.  A hug and "I'm very sorry" is probably enough.  Allow them to cry and don't forget any children in the family.  If they are old enough I send separate 'sympathy' cards because each one will have a different relationship to each other. 

[babyjane]

There is a lot of sound advice here so I won't add to it. Honeybun I am sorry to hear of your loss, you especially can tell it from the perspective of the bereaved parents.
Kerrieann you do what you feel in your heart is right as you know the family.

[Dyan]

So sad kerriann

The drawing the curtains or blinds is,as HB said, an old fashioned mark of respect and a nice one.
As for standing outside I don't know about that one.

[honeybun]

It's not something that I would do. As I said I could not have coped with anything more than family.
When I lost my daughter I lived in a small housing estate and everyone was great friends. We were all of the same age with young kids. Although my friends were not invited to the funeral I knew they were thinking of us and after every thing had passed they were so kind. They were normal with me. They did not avoid me but took their lead from me. Talk or not talk, it was my choice.

One person was ignored in all this. My dear hubby. Every one thinks of the mum but rarely consider the dad. He has just as much to cope with so don't forget him. An invite to the pub when the time is right. A chat about cars or whatever blokes talk about. He has lost his son.
My hubby never got a look in and he had just as much to cope with as me.

Ok this is not about me....It's just some of us...and I'm sure I'm not alone in this ....has walked this road and understand how hard it is.


Honeyb
x

[Hurdity]

Hi kerrieann

So sorry to hear about this.

All I can say is that from my experience, if you have been asked to the church service then they would be really pleased to have you there otherwise they wouldn't have mentioned it - they would have said nothing. Church services are open to all anyway.

The same thing happened in our village about 15-20 years ago with a very young child of the same age and everyone went to the church even if they weren't close to the family - but this is what always happens in many villages - everyone turns up to pay their respects and it is valued by the families. It is the same when anyone in this village dies - and there have been other children too - if you knew the person at all you would go to the funeral - maybe not to the wake though.

Personally that would make me feel better than standing and watching - but it depends on what is usual for your area. Here it would be expected that one would go to the funeral.

How sad for you honeybun.

Hurdity x

[babyjane]

It may not be about you honeybun but your insight is valuable 

[kerrieann]

hi thanks all for the replies,  the funeral has past now and it was the most beautiful send off for the little boy, a tiny white carriage with horses and everyone in the street came outside to see him off, so thats what we did too, it was absolutely heartbreaking but we felt right standing outside with everyone.
I felt that it showed everyone was thinking of them, we didnt go to the church as there were so many people in the street heading for the church we felt it was best left for the family and close friends.
I cant even imagine what they will be going through now but as a few of you have said on here we will make a point of stopping and giving them the chance to talk if they feel the need and before the funeral the dad did speak to us quite alot so hopefully it helps him to talk to people who are outside the family.
So so sad   kerrie

[purplenanny]

Such a sad sad time for everyone. Really lovely to have you all in the street as they went past.
 and yes, you will be a great support to them in the days to come, just by caring and talking when they need to

What a terrible thing for a parent to suffer. My thoughts are with them
PN x x