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[babypink2807]

I don't know where to start there is so much going on.  Last year was bad for me being diagnosed with Crohns and having major surgery.  Amongst other serious issues health wise and the perimenopause starting at the same time. I've struggled along and this disease is so all encompassing at times I hide away, which is unlike me. My OH whilst has supported me he is tired of it he says I'm not dying and a hypochondriac.  My house is a mess and he hardly speaks to me unless I strike up a conversation.  He sleeps in one room I am in the other. I work full time and my weekends I sleep. Yesterday I went to lay down at 12:30 and woke at 16:20. I can't describe how at times just moving is an effort

I have my HRT patches which has got rid of a lot of problems, to help me deal with my Crohns, I went this morning to sort the horse, came home and looked at the state of the house, I slumped in the chair whilst OH was in his bed and I mumbled to myself "happy Mother's Day". I stared at the wall and wondered when will this all end I just want to feel well. My OH was diagnosed with skin dancer on weds, he didn't want me to go with him to hospital, he does not really talk to me anyway but happy to openly discuss it on Facebook. He has had  9 days off work and done nothing in the house at all except make more mess. I'm now in bed about to go to sleep due to tiredness and a stinking headache and to close my eyes to the horror of thus house. It got so bad I even get a cleaner just to have at least two days where it looks tidy I try to keep up but his incessant untidiness beats me

I'm so miserable and down and I don't want to be, I'm ageing before my very eyes.  I did have a couple of weeks where I was pain free and a bit more up but I've been waiting for the crash and burn and I think it's arrived. This is not how imagined I would become

[Aethelede]

Hi babypink,

Sorry you are having such a bad time and feeling so down. I can certainly identify with sometimes just needing to go to bed with the covers over your head.

Do you have any family or friends you can talk to or rope in to help with the house? You are not a hypochondriac - these things you have are very real, they are just not obvious to other people in the way a broken leg would be. So they can be less than sympathetic.

You can always come on here to vent or ask for advice - you will certainly get sympathy and understanding! 

[Rowan]

I think that your relationship with your partner is draining the energy out of you without you realising it, then one thing leads to another, you really have to feel happy and enthusiastic to tackle housework or it gets on top of you and it seems too much bother.

Men are untidy and unbelievably selfish at times, you are not well and need his support, not adding to unhappy feelings, he does seem to be shutting you out to his medical problems too.

I think you need some help for yourself and to concentrate on your self too not your partner, is there anyone your life you can turn too for help.

So sorry babypink you have been through so much and deserve better.

[Limpy]

Babypink - You poor thing, it just seems never ending for you.
Don't know how your OH can accuse you of being a hypochondriac given all that's happened to you. You are working full time for goodness sake........

Is he finding it difficult to cope with the skin cancer news? It might help if you were able to speak to him about it. He may well be feeling really scared after his diagnosis and taking it out on you.

Hope things improve for both of you.

 

Just seen silverlady's post

She is right men are untidy and selfish (they call it focussed) at times.

[babypink2807]

I have tried and I get very little conversation back.  He was offered to speak to a Macmillan nurse etched but refused.  He knows I'm here to support and talk, im nit pushing him its his decision if he wants to talk.  To be honest he has been like it a very long time he is a very hard man to live with and before all my issues kicked off he emotionally drained me dry, he became impossible and then I fell ill.  I did discover he was going to leave me but because I fell ill he felt obliged to stay, great!

There was so much rubbish in the front of the house I had to pay so done to remove it, because I had asked him until I was blue in the face to take it to the rip but he didn't.  I've asked him to tidy the garden and he hasn't.  I've asked him to tidy his room up (yes like you would a teenager) he hasn't it's like someone has emptied every drawer, wardrobe and threw stuff on the floor, and kicked it about. I've bought ironing and wash baskets so I can work out what is and isn't clean and it still gets dropped on the floor.  He made tea on Wednesday there was leftover chicken on the table, as a test I thought I would leave it and see how long it is until he throws it, he didn't but I did three days later.  He went to McDonald's Friday night, the Pepsi cup was still until ten minutes ago empty and stuck to the table

He has tool boxes, with no tools in they are on every shelf or floor in the utility room, I have a box to throw shoes in, he don't out them in, they are on the floor around it.

His dog sheds hair everywhere, I've not hoovered up all week whilst he has been off and not once has he cleared it up, I'm going to have to do it for when the cleaner comes tomorrow which I would be embarrassed about.  We have had many a fall out over this and it's never changed.  He does not realise how utterly shattered I am and come home to a house I actually now despise.  My first house I've owned and I hate it, my mortgage runs out next October and I'm thinking of selling it I've just had enough and go back to renting

I've been asleep again for two hours, I look like a tramp, I've stopped looking after myself I know I have and do have spurts of getting myself sorted, but then I look at my house and its a mess and I just sink again.  He never takes his dog for a walk, I try to take his with mine but I can't handle two dogs, and I feel so sorry for his dog, I really do

It's like groundhog dag it's the same crap different day over and over

[honeybun]

Why on earth are you still with him then ? If you don't consider that you deserve better than he gives you then he certainly won't. He is going down and dragging you with him. It's a downward spiral and unless you do something about it it will just continue on and on.

My hubby is neither untidy or selfish. We are a partnership and we work and help each other. He has always made me feel special and worthy and that's what everyone is entitled to feel.

Ask him to leave and put your life back together.


Honeyb
x

[Limpy]

BP you may well feel better if you separate.
He hasn't been easy to be with for a long time.
Living with somebody has to be a partnership for it to work.

[Joyce]

Time to say enough is enough. Be brave & bite the bullet. You're becoming depressed with all that's happening. You deserve more.

[babypink2807]

Agree with you, but I have had a terrible time health wise and had panic issues for a while and a lot to deal with and been quite not myself.  Knowing someone is in the house has to some degree helped, I've been back in hospital twice.  To be honest I've never known anything go so wrong so much in such a short period, its overwhelming at times

[Ju Ju]

Change can be frightening, particularly when you are not well, but what advice would you give yourself if you were not you? Have you friends and family who can support you emotionally and maybe in a practical sense, if you do move. Look at how you stand financially. You are important and you do matter.  You deserve better. Your husband is actually being abusive. And just imagine coming home to a home where the only mess to clear up is your own.

[Rowan]

I remember now babypink you posting about him staying as if he was doing you a favour quite a while ago, it seems to me he stays because of the house and not having to find somewhere else and having to pay his own bills, to be blunt he is using you.

Because you were ill you accepted the little he had to offer and was grateful at the time, but in the long run it has harmed you.

Only you can change the situation now, you pay the mortgage its your house, so you do have some leverage I am sure.

Be strong and make the changes you need to do to get your life, health and happiness back.

[Mrs January]

Hey Babypink

I so feel for you and admire your strength to keep going hun. It is him with the horrid issues and I would ask that you look after you.......lean on friends and family hun.

I have just left my OH last month after living with someone who drained every ounce of me some days. I too tried as it was ok to have him around however he treated me...but now I see clearer as do my children 22,16,15 and I am broke but gosh so much happier and with more zest for life....ask the ladies here. It has been a rocky road.

Relate has an online chat...could help, it did for me.
Maybe see if ok to say you can have a counsellor through work? Crohns? or else a wellbeing service? I did and it has helped me no end.

The cleaning I was struggling with as you do. I chose to do what I could when I could and now living in our new home...son 16 and i have no probs keeping it clean....

For today I give you my hugs and strength to continue this journey to better times and wish you well

Mrs J xxxxx

[honeybun]

You have mentioned your son before and your grandchild. Perhaps it's time to reach out and build a few bridges with him and start to build a new life on your own with your sons support.

Honeyb
x

[Mrs January]

Hey Babypink.

I have read some of the other posts and would agreed with all everyone has said. Do you pay the Mortgage?? If so and it is your home etc.....get friends to help you sort his stuff and change the locks...sounds harsh but goodness it will give you strength and peace. We are stronger than we feel some days and strength can come to us by holding our heads high and taking control.

He is abusive to you as my was to me in his actions and words or lack of them!!!

Good luck Mrs J xxx

[rosebud57]

I hate to pour cold water on the house thing, but as far as I know who pays the mortgage counts for nothing.  My niece was in the same situation and her husband still got half the value of the house. 

Babypink, I think you need to see a solicitor and find out where you stand.  Also tell him what you are doing and it might give him the 'kick up the backside' he needs.

Having said that it sounds like you are both ill and depressed.  perhaps and friend or family member could help with some mediation.  Don't forget that as a family member of someone with cancer, you too have the right to access the Macmillan services for advise.