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[groundhog]

Hi all - ok I'm over my last crisis but need your excellent listening ear again please.
How much do you do for your children / family?  My daughter is 29 and has recently split up from long term partner.  I am helping her financially and practically to enable her to stay in her house.  The split is amicable and I am very very fond of her ex partner.  She works hard but seems to struggle running a home??? Shopping washing cleaning all seem to be pushed to one side until they absolutely have to be done or I do them.  I am a bit of a neat freak and I suppose it's my own fault if I go there and do what needs to be done.  Do you think that is ok though - is that normal in this day and age??  I remember at her age I had a child, a colostomy for serious illness plus worked full time and somehow coped yet today's generation seem to struggle.  It's the same with some other family members too who seem to need a helping hand.  Maybe it's just me - I should turn a blind eye but do you help your kids and do you think that's just how it is these days??
Thanks all,
Xxx

[Joyce]

It's a hard one. We've had to help our two financially on the odd occasion, but it's always been repaid very quickly. As for running a house, unless asked, I tend to take a step back. But then our two are in relationships, which is different. I think they have different priorities these days.

[littleminnie]

I do think the younger generation have different priorities. They leave everything to the very last minute. My two both live away from home, they both only do their washing when they are running out of clothes. They iron their clothes as they need them (ie half an hour before they have to go to work), they shop when the fridge is completely empty. They never wash up at night after they have eaten, it's one the next day. Etc etc. it would drive me mad living like that.

[CLKD]

How much do you want to do?  How much did you do when she was at home?  Is she depressed?  It is easier to leave stuff then tackle it when going through a crisis.  Do you have a key to her house and is she aware of when you will go in?

Maybe ask her how much your housework is helping ............    if she is working, sleeping, resting but not going out and about if different to if she were working, clubbing, visiting friends, the theatre etc. and ignoring chores because she knows you will 'do' for her.  Maybe after C.mas sit down to see how much help she is requiring?

[Ju Ju]

I think there is no one right answer. It depends on your relationship, what you are prepared to do, what help she is willing to accept. Is her untidiness an issue for her, perhaps if she is feeling low at the moment, or does she feel more comfortable with mess? My daughter lives in an untidy mess. She says it is the result of a creative mind! I try to be clean and tidy. I have only helped with housework during a difficult pregnancy and only because she was distressed. Communication and mutual respect is the key.

[Dancinggirl]

Hi Groundhog
I totally agree with CLKD & JuJu.
I can really relate as - my son aged 24 is still at home with us ( however he does have 'special needs') and our daughter(aged 26) lives in London (we're now live in suffolk). Our daughter reels from one crisis to another and is still needing sooooo much financial & emotional support.  On the one hand i think life is more expensive and complex than when we were their age but on the other hand I do think we have spoilt this generation.
I think you are being a saint helping your daughter so comprehensively.  I've recently pulled back at bit and tried to detach myself, particularly emotionally, as the stress was really effecting me badly.  To protect yourself I would let her get on with it a bit more on her own or she will never organise herself.
Take care of yourself. DG x

[CLKD]

I meant to ask: how far do you travel in order to help out?

Also, spending money on the children now, when they really require it, is not spoiling them  ....... if the money is saved 'for a rainey day' they will pay Inheritance Tax eventually ......... at a time when they have maybe sorted 'Life' !  When *is* a rainey day exactly?  If not when they require assistance then ........... 

[groundhog]

Interesting answers thank you.
My daughter lives in the same street as me so there is no travelling involved.  I know she is really appreciative when I help out and she tells me so which is nice.  I get pleasure from it I suppose as I like cleaning and I hate the thought of her coming home on a cold dark evening to a mess especially as we have all had such a rubbish year.  Financially - she is a bit of a pain!  I suppose we have spoilt her as she is our only child - I lost my second one thanks to chrons disease.  If I don't help her financially now she will lose her home as she cannot afford to pay her partner the share of equity - it's not a huge amount and yes CLKD I agree - what's the point of leaving it to her after our day when she needs the help now.  Plus if she did lose her home
she would move home and drive me mad !!!  Little miss Clutter we call her.  Sometimes though I can't see an end to it but maybe a chat in the NewYear would be a good idea.  I already tell her I will come down and clean for one hour and go - I limit myself otherwise I could be there longer.  My husband moans as I get very tired plus I help care for my mother .  Plus my family make up is complicated by the fact my younger sisters children are toddlers so I help her too.  I know I would be lost without them all and I'm not moaning as such just in a way want to know what everyone else done.  Sounds like we are all pretty much the same.  I have some 'friends' who say she is using me but if she was lying in bed all day doing nothing it would be different but she has a very demanding job which she enjoys but it takes up a lot of her time.  Completely agree they do have different priorities !! If she has a day off I will suggest she tackles some long overdue chore and she will say she's not doing that on her day off !! Days off are for doing nice things apparently. Ha ha. Xx
Thanks for listening - it helps xxx

[Taz2]

Hi Groundhog - I have done far too much for my three in the past and eventually learnt that I was "rescuing" and not helping at all. The longer you do her cleaning and sorting out for her the longer it will be before she can manage to do it herself. Although we hate to think about it one day you wont be around to do these chores for her and then she will well and truly sink having to cope with her grief as well as learning how to run her life.

I know how difficult it is to say no but at the age of 29 she is more than capable of clearing up after herself. Have you tried looking at the reason why you do this? You may be a "neat freak" but this is her home and not yours and if she wants it neat then she will have to be the one to do it - it sounds as if you do enough already and, yes, you do need some time for you.  The bottom line is that you are not doing her any favours by cushioning her from real life.

I've been there - I now how difficult it is to pull back.

Taz x

[honeybun]

Can't help but agree with Taz. It's very difficult to put a distance between you and a child.
My son was fiercely independent so I let him get on with things until it all went very wrong and I was forced to help him move out his flat and come home. Since then although he is in the family home I still stand back and let him run his own life.
My daughter is a bit between being a child and and an adult so some help is still needed but I still try and stand back as she has to learn. If she asks I give an opinion but apart from that she is on her own.

I do know that when I got married there was no help from anyone. We just had to get on with things. I never ever had any financial help from anyone. Old fashioned but it's character building. If they never get a chance to make mistakes then when will they learn that sometimes they need to sort things out for themselves.
If her house is a mess then so what you don't have to live there. I know you say she works hard. So do women who have kids....She is on her own so really I think she should be left to do it herself. Why should she bother when she knows that you will do it.
Financial help is a little different. I would not see a child of mine loose a house if I could help....but....How long does this go on for.

Honeyb
X

[groundhog]

Thanks for your replies Taz2 and Honeybun.  It is difficult to take a step back and I don't think our current family situation helps.  My sister daughter and I also help care for my mother - we have a rota and my daughter does the late one every night which I am grateful for.  I helped her last night as we were looking after my sisters children and I couldn't just sit there.  Kiddies were playing quietly so we blitzed her front room.  There is a lot going on in my head ATM and i suppose I need to know she is ok.   But I know I won't always be here for her and just hope when that time comes she will cope because she has to x

[honeybun]

You are not really preparing her for when the time comes that she has to stand on her own two feet though. Surely better now than let her sink.

Regarding her house. Is she going to sell up if she can't afford to keep it without your help?

I could only afford to help short term as you do have to look to your future and how comfortable your retirement years are going to be.

Honeyb
X

[lily]

Hi groundhog

I agree that they are a generation with different priorities.  My eldest son is married and their house is quite untidy, we have a key but I don't go in on my own unless they ask me to be there for a delivery or something - if there are dishes in the sink, I wash them and leave them on the draining board.  When we checked it when they were on holiday and picked the mail up, I cleaned the kitchen and hall floors as they so badly needed done but I did not like to go further than that in case they were offended.  They eat takeways a lot of the time rather than spend time shopping and cooking - again though they both work long hours.  I don't offer money support unless son is pleading poverty as they earn as much as we do.  They buy things on credit card when they are running out of money instead of waiting until they do have the funds.  I just could not live the way they do, but it's their life.  I think it's up to you how much you do for your daughter, but it should not be at an unacceptable cost financial or otherwise to yourself. 

[Kathleen]

Hello groundhog.
I tried to respond to your post as soon as it went on the board but it got lost in the system somewhere.
I think it's great that you are willing and able to help your daughter and I'm sure she appreciates it.  I had a very different life from my parents, with different priorities and expectations but they always supported me in any way they could and I was so grateful, the fact that they wanted to help even though we disagreed made it all the more meaningful somehow.
My 24 year old daughter is very independent and rarely asks for anything whereas my 21 year old student son is more needy at the moment.  All that could change in time, who knows but whatever happens we've made it clear to them that if we can help we will.
The bottom line is you must do whatever you feel is right for you and your family, nothing else matters in my opinion.
Take care.
K.

[rosie c]

I agree with Kathleen. As long as it feels right for you  AND your daughter .....nothing else matters.  If you feel resentful or taken advantage of , well thats different. I pride myself in being the best mum I can be, and if that means helping my kids out... well I just do it. But I must say... its always appreciated. Sounds a bit smug I know. x