Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[groundhog]

Good morning all,
Can I have some advise please.  It's over 2 years since my last period and so I am presumably post meno.  I was looking forward to the meno as I was assured it would cure one of my debilitating health problems - endometriosis - and it has which I am glad about. But my mental health is not good.  That said in the last few years there have quite a few negatives - my mother had a brain haemorrhage which has left her disabled and I help care for her.  Around this time I lost my job owing to my own health problems - I was gutted.  My sister then lost her job through redundancy,  my father in law became terminally ill and died within 6 weeks and my daughter and her lovely partner split up after 14 years.  It's been difficult.  I worry about everything and everyone to the point my husband reckons all I do is moan.  He is a bit of an ostrich tho and switches off.  My sister is much younger and is far more laid back.  She has very young children who I adore but I worry about them constantly.  I support my sister in every way as well as caring for my mother.  I do all her shopping cleaning washing organising appointments etc as well as taking her out - it's hard as she is wheelchair bound and because off he brain damage she  is not in the slightest bit appreciative - she says it's my duty - she tuts if I want my hair doing!  I am fed up and feel what's the point.  My relationship with my husband is not good - the menopause has left me with VA but vagifem only partially helps so at 53 there is little intimacy and boy does he resent that.  Plus the fact he was looking forward to us travelling now it have retired but no chance of that.  I'm not alone and I know many of you have far worse problems.   But how do you deal with it?  I need a thicker skin but the meno has left me overly sensitive and emotional.
Sorry for long post - anyone been in my shoes and can you advise?

[CLKD]

Yep.

First your Mum - find out what local agencies can help support you and make sure that they are implemented.  Social Services may be the place to begin or go to a local 'care' home and ask.  Some care homes have respite care for this very reason, so that families can have a break.  Do ask around and see how far ahead you need to book!

If your Mum says it is 'your duty' then tell her it is 'your duty' to make sure she is cared for and you will begin by accessing outside help.  Put your foot down with a firm hand.  She can't be too bad if she can make such comments  though we do need to remember that our wrinklies do get scared which can make them awkward.  Any change can be scarey and any loss of control can make people irritable. Remember: our parents birthed us, it was their choice: it does not have to be the children's choice to care for them ........ it can be the children's choice to make provision!

How much input does your sister have from her husband?  If the children are well cared for, doing well in school etc. then take a step back until you have the agencies in place for your Mum.  Is your sister able to help?

Your husband has had his plans ? can't think of the word  so I can understand his resentment: discuss the above with him and ask for his help in accessing the agencies.  Make plans for an over-nighter somewhere, then for a longer break in the Spring. 

A person can only help another if they are healthy themselves.  As for the VA then talk with your GP/Practice Nurse - you MUST sort out this for yourself as it can drag us down, I know, been there etc. etc...........

Like a pebble in a puddle ......... drop it in and watch the ripples flow - start with your Mum's GP and Social Services - Good Luck!  We do have a thread about caring for the elderly on here too, you might find some of those suggestions helpful.

 

[Rowan]

You are not intense at all groundhog, you have just had it up to here with all that is happened to me its a wonder you are still standing!

I wish I could give some helpful advise, I can't agree with CLKD about your husband, his job is to be supportive as you would be if it was the other round, though this is not much help to you when he is behaving as he is.

I agree with CLKD saying you must ask for help for yourself as well as for your other problems, staring with your GP.

Have you a Well Woman Centre near you, they do free counselling and can put you in touch with agencies that could help. I know this as this is what I use to do.

We are told worrying is wasted energy but when its actually happening to us, it can be hard to believe this,  there will be lots of ladies here with support and help groundhog.

[CLKD]

Do you make lists?  I would make lists about each issue in your live on separate sheets so that you can add and tick off as you go along 

[Dyan]

 :hug:for you groundhog

[honeybun]

Elderly relatives can be so difficult. I would advise getting carers in if you can. My sister and I have carers in twice a day for my 91yr old mum. She fought against it but was given no choice. You could also consider respite care if your sister cannot take over to give you a break. You could organise somewhere for your mum for a week and then you can rest or go away with hubby.
How about a day care centre a few days a week.

I do understand his resentment. Sometimes my hubby and my brother-in-law get this way as sis and I are at mum's beck and call. It's not their mother so they can't really be blamed.

As for your mother having an evil tongue. Mine is the same but after many years of resentment I tell her if she can't be nice I will go home and come back when she is in a better frame of mind. I have actually had my jacket on and one foot out of the door. It usually works.

Sometimes you just have to look after yourself.  Try and get some help in and some time off for you.

Honeyb
X

[groundhog]

Thanks for your replies ladies.
my mother does have carers come in 3 times a day which I am grateful for although she has to pay. But as anyone who has been in this situation knows, it's not enough.  I think part of the problem is down to my personality and my worrying and anxiety has become worse since the meno.  She is a bit brain damaged and strangely this means she wants to go out all the time which wears me out.  If  I say no she goes into her shell - I have a camera in her house so I can keep an eye on her,  it's a double edge sword.  Great in so much I can check she is in bed or to make sure carers have turned up but I can also see when she is on her own how sad she looks.  But then I think if someone was looking at me I look sad too!  Since finishing work I am trying to carve out a life but I have never felt to tied what with everything.  We have booked a short holiday at the end of the month so I am praying nothing goes wrong before we leave.  My sister will step in but she is different to me - if my mother is sulking she can walk away and not worry. 
I have been to the docs re the VA.  They are not even sure it is that as I am not dry just sore - vagifem does help but it still hurts and stings.  My consultant thinks it's psychological which isn't helpful - all the stress and expectation of pain makes me clam up.  Amazing.  I do make lists and they do help but I have to help myself too.  I am being treated for depression and have had counselling.  There is more I could say but not in open forum as it wouldn't be fair.  It's as if I am responsible for every else's happiness - I've always been a bit like this.  I worry so much about life I forget to live and time is passing.  Thank you for your replies and allowing me to moan - it helps. Xxx

[CLKD]

Your Consultant is specialist in which field exactly?

Go to your GP and ask for Ovestin (sp) pessaries which are inserted higher up. One doesn't need to be 'dry' but the tissues become thinner as we age and therefore more tender.  I sat on razor blades  until the pessaries began to work .......

You are not totally responsible for the happiness of others but if you like to be in control in order to ease your anxieties then you have become used to putting them first.

Our wrinklies do spend a lot of time alone and when they sit they look frail.  But it is up to them to a certain extent to do stuff, i.e. crosswords, word searches, watch TV ........ my very active Mum says that the evenings are the longest 

[Dyan]

  and feeling for you groundhog

[honeybun]

Turn off the camera and use only when absolutely necessary. That would torture me.
What you have to try and remember is that your mum has been your age and no doubt made the most of it. She has now come to another phase of her life and will spend more time alone. We will get there too. It's not easy being on your own but some old people see no one at all and your mum (and mine) are the lucky ones.

You have to try and turn off when you are away from her. It's not easy I know.

Honeyb
X

[Dancinggirl]

Hi groundhog.  Considering all you are coping with I think you are being perfectly reasonable.
I agree with many of the suggestions from the other posts.  I do feel you are taking too much on yourself - I tend to do this because I'm the practical one in the family and I often feel as though I am drowning.
Basically, stop beating yourself up - put yourself first.
I do think your marriage is important so quality time doing something you both enjoy is vital.
The burning of VA is something I really suffer with.  Have a look at my thread 'The Burning Club' and see if there is any thing there that helps.  I'm going to try Ovestin as the Vagifem may not be working well for me and the cream can be used vaginally and a little externally where it burns.
DG x

[Dandelion]

Hi groundhog

I'm only new, so hopefully someone more experienced will help as well.

Post-meno is when you have not had a period for at least 12 months.

I'm glad meno cleared your endometriosis.
I was looking forward to mine as it meant no more monthly bleeds, but I didn't bargain for the flushes and the mental distress symptoms.

You have had a lot of bad things happen to you, haven't you? I'm really sorry to hear you had to deal with all of that.

I was a really bad worrier, but now I have learnt CBT and one of the tools has kept me sane, which you can do anywhere anytime and it only takes 2 seconds. It's called the worry tree. http://www.drchristinahibbert.com/the-key-to-worry-free-the-worry-tree/
It gave me permission not to worry about things.

We can't help how others deal with things, even though it might be frustrating for us, because we cannot control someone else who reacts differently to things in their own way.
You are an angel for caring for your mother. It's a shame she cannot appreciate it, but if she wasn't brain damaged but still disabled, maybe she would be able to.

I'm lucky re the vag thing, as mine hasn't dried up, but there are loads of people on here who have had it and can help you enjoy sex and intimacy again.

Yes, meno has left me feeling mentally fragile too. Dunno how long you have been on the vagifem. I know I need to give my own HRT more time (femoston) as I've only been on a week and it can take up to three months to properly feel the effects.

Sorry I was of limited help but hope you get something out of the post.

[Limpy]

Groundhog - You've had a horrible time but you can't fix the world.
You have been doing loads and shouldn't feel bad, your Mum does not sound easy to be with.

Re the VA, before I caught the menopause I used to get repeating bouts of thrush which made my delicate bits very sore and intercourse impossible. Given you are not dry, have you been checked for thrush or similar?

It might be worth speaking to your OH and point out how difficult you are finding things,  printing off the advice for husbands thread should help him see you are both not alone. It could be worth asking him for his help, sometimes they like to feel useful.

You have been doing so well.

Lots of hugs

 

[groundhog]

Hi all - CLKD - well my consultant is a gynae man - I am being screened for a dodgy mass on my ovary - that's another story!  But he is well thought of and very nice . He said it looks a bit thin down there but can't see anything conclusive.  I had told him about all the family issues and he said no wonder you feel like this.  I am being treated for depression and he suggested changing the anti dep tablet to one that is thought to help meno - haven't done that yet.
So what's the diff between ovestin and vagifem?  I think another thing is I have rectal chrons and this could be adding to the problem so who knows,  all I know is it hurts and then stings and is very if putting.  You are right whn you say I have become used to putting others first and I constantly get let down by them as I expect them to be like me and they are not.  They are different and probably far happier than me too!! 
Honeybun - yes the camera can be torture.  In the early days it was great as what would happen before the camera was I would ring my mother - no reply - I would worry and rush down ( short car journey) only to find she had company or was in the loo so no panic.  She cannot use the phone vry well although we now have a picture phone so she just has to press a picture of us but she still struggles.  The camera is great for checking she is ok etc but yes it does have its downside too.  I try to only look now and then as it does upset me to see her sitting there alone - she is only 74.
My OH is fed up too so isn't much use ATM.  Tonight my mother phoned again to say she couldn't find the remote. I check camera and it's in her hand. I phone her and tell her it's in her hand and she says no it isn't.   Blah blah.  I was making dinner at the time so just left her to it.  She rang again. She explained  she found the remote in her hand - she thought it was the phone.
So it's Monday and I have had a glass of wine and come to the spare room as I can't face disappointing my husband again,
Thank you all for your replies it has really helped.
I will try the CBT website dandelion that looks interesting.
Limpy - I've been checked for thrush and all clear
Dancing girl - I have read the burning club thread - such a horrible thing.
Dyan - thanks Hun x
Thank you all xxx

[Dandelion]

Hello Groundhog

Aww you're really up against it, but you seem strong.
Make sure you get some 'me time', that is something that is taught on CBT courses, as it is theraputic and important.