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[groundhog]

Hi everyone- need some advice please......
I feel overwhelmed by problems ATM - I am a worrier but since the meno I am much much worse.  For example - every time I see these horrific stories on tv about parents ( if u can call them that) torturing their children to death - I feel sick and angry and then dwell on it to the point of floods of tears.  This is not normal is it? 
My personal life is not good ATM.  My mother is disabled following a brain haemorrhage and I help care for her which is a strain - my husband and I had just retired ( me through illness) and this was to be our time.  No chance.  My father in law is terminally ill - 6 weeks ago he was a picture of health - massive shock.  My daughter and her long term partner are having problems - they still love each other but are more like brother and sister - so she is in hell and I don't know how to advise her.  He is a lovely lad but she is just so unhappy something has to change.  I am really worried about her.  No kids but they have mortgage dog and normal family trappings.  Anyone got any advice on how to cope when everything seems to be going wrong.  Plus on Thursday I go to breast clinic for investigation of lumpy area.  I feel like a long walk off a short pier ATM. 

[Rowan]

No wonder you want to beamed up groundhog ( preferably with Captain Picard)  you have so much stress in your life at the moment, the only thing I can say is that all these things are out of your control and that worrying about it all will not change anything (that's what it says in all the books) but in real life its not so easy.

I think you must concentrate on yourself at the moment because you need respite from everyone else's problems, be kind and good to yourself and ask for help from those around you, you need the support. 

Sorry if this sounds a little hasty, but just wanted to reply to your post before I go out.

[CLKD]

You need to engage a support system for your Mum.  We are NOT equipped emotionally or physically to be carers of a person with chronic illness.  One has to be healthy in order to care for another person.  I can't remember if your Mum lives with you/near you nor what support she is getting.  Did she have a Care Assessment Needs Package before she left Hospital?  How often does she see a Consultant?

Make a list of her requirements; i.e. pads, lifting, special diet etc..  Then go along to your GP or Practice Nurse, perhaps the District Team can help initially.  Find out if she requires a Social Worker.

I would be resentful++ if I had retired in order to spend time with DH.  I would HATE having to put my Life on hold, however much my Mum cared for me as I grew up.  That was HER choice  .

Does your F in L live close by?  What support is he getting?  Is your husband an only child or are there siblings?

Your daughter is sad but that is her problem.  Ask her to talk with her partner about what they need to do in order to move on.  Explain that you love her dearly but she can see that you need to focus on your and your husband right now.  Mortgage, dog etc. can be sorted!   Not your pig, not your farm  .  Please don't consider having her back either at this time!

Add to that breast worries.  Make a list to take to the Clinic to discuss with the person you see.  Is anyone going with you?

 

[Scampi]

I'm sure in many ways CLKD is right in what she says, but I know it's incredibly difficult for many of us to be so (what seems) clinical and detached from our families, especially when we are close to them. 

Re your Mum - does she have a social worker, or a contact number for her Local Authority Adult Social Care Team?  Talk to them about what help might be available - although I fully understand you may want to be involved in your Mum's care and help her where you can, you will be no good to her if you make yourself ill trying to do too much.  Be realistic with yourself about what you can do, and firm with Social Services - there is help available.

Re your father-in-law - what an awful situation for the whole family.  Whatever you do, don't feel you should 'be strong' for others all the time - you need to find an outlet for your grief and anger (especially if you feel you can't share these feelings with your husband at the moment).  Has your FIL been referred to a hospice?  If so, there will be support available through them for family (and friends for that matter).  If not, give MacMillan a try.  You have every right to feel whatever you are feeling about your FIL's illness and what it's doing to you, your husband, your family, and you need to find a way of expressing your feelings and working through what is a horrible time.

Re daughter - on this one, I'm much closer to being 'with' CLKD!  It is terribly sad to see our children hurting, but all we can do is offer support - we can't 'mend' it.  Have you suggested she talks to Relate (either alone, or with her partner if he's willing).  They'll be able to offer help in a way you simply can't as you're too close.  Be there for her if you can, but not at the expense of your own health.

And after all that, please make some time to spend with your husband.  He's going through all this too and no doubt needs you as much as you need him, but he's a man and chances are he won't show it, or tell you!  You don't have to force heart-to-hearts - just make time for a walk in the countryside, a pub meal, trip to the seaside - whatever the two of you would enjoy together.  And for those few brief hours, turn the phone off and let the rest of the world go to h*ll.

Please - find someone to talk to xxx

[Greyhoundgal]

If you haven't already then get in touch with your local social services for your Mum - they were a godsend when my Mum came out of hospital and we wouldn't have managed without the care they provided.

The suggestion of a hospice is a good one for your FIL if you haven't already sorted something out - definitely get in touch with MacMillan Nurses if you can, they do the most amazing work.

As for your daughter - as Scampi says, you can't mend it, just be there to give her some support as and when she needs it.

And most importantly - take good care of you!  This was the best advice that I got after posting about my Mum, it's not always easy to make some time for yourself but it's important, doubly so if everyone else is waiting for you to take care of them.

[honeybun]

Caring for an elderly person is such a difficult thing to do no matter how much you love them. It filters into every part of your life and its so incredibly difficult to distance yourself even if you are away from them.
I agree with the others, you need a care package in place in order for you to be able to function properly.

I deal with my mother, well to be honest I don't manage very well at all sometimes but I muddle through.

Sorry to hear about your father in law but again professional help is needed.


It's easy to say look after yourself but in reality it's almost impossible to do.

Just do the best you can, no one can ask for more.


Honeyb
X

[groundhog]

Thank you all so much for your replies.
My mother - she does have carers 3 times a day who deal with her basic needs.  She is only 73 though and since the brain haemorrhage she likes to go out and about.  This is down to me and my sister and can be a strain as maybe we don't want to go out plus the logistics of wheelchairs etc.  it's hard going as somedays I just want t potter round the house.  I am stronger now with my mother it its been a tough year to reach this point.  Now I am at my lowest these other problems come on board.  FIL situation is just a nightmare as in 6 weeks he has gone from perfectly healthy to a husk.  Nothing we can do - we have support mechanisms in place but its harrowing to go through.
My daughter.  Only child so I am a bit soft and find it very hard to detach myself from her problems.  I think she worries as we helped them financially set up home and because of house prices there is very little equity inthe house.  But as you said CLKD these things can be sorted.  There is no easy way when a relationship breaks down especially as they have just drifted apart - so sad.
But thank you again for your thoughts and comments - it helps me to write it down and read your replies.
Thanks all xx

[CLKD]

Little steps.

Your sadness and that of your daughter and her partner may be Worlds apart! They may know that they have reached the end of a friendship so are ready to move on.  You helped her out - did you make contracts though?  Make sure that your daughter is aware that it was a 'no strings attached' agreement if that indeed, was the case.

Things seem to happen all at once!  Time to get that evening with DH and sit: watch the TV; listen to the birds; have a walk in the shade ........ it isn't easy to distance yourself from family members for many people so think about what advise you would give to a friend  in a similar situation     

[groundhog]

Yes CLKD you are right.  I dont know how they are feeling - I expect they will be relieved as they haven't been happy for some time.  I'm sure it will work itself out - I don't like seeing her unhappy and like all mothers I want to fix it but I know I can't.  Everything else is out of my control but that is my problem - worrying about things I can't control but that is futile and pointless but i can't seem to stop myself.  Its so much worse since the meno.  I can't have HRT as I have endometriosis - I do use vagifem with some success.
Thanks for listening again xx

[CLKD]

We worry.  That's what women do  ..........

Take some time out for yourself