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[JacquelineL]

Well, I can feel the hormones racing. My mind is in overdrive. Heart rate keeps going up and down, then panic attack kicks in (which I can semi control)  Head thoughts are all over the place. Hate life, love life, hate it again. 

Pictures all over facebook of my children having a fantastic time with their dad 'on holiday' for his 50th and my daughters 21st. I'm stuck 700 miles away on a God damn island all alone (first husband and I are divorced)  I know my son will ring me today but a part of me feels like  'Ohhhhh had a good time ehhhhhh' Grrrrrrrr! I should ignore the phone as I know I'll cry and I'll upset him.  I do of course want them all to have a great time but a part of me wishes they'd all had a total cr*p time!!!!  Part of me hates them all for being happy

This will now build up and up and up and I'll get more and more loopy until my period arrives.  I just can't control these feelings and it scares me so much as I feel as if I'm not in control.

How dare my kids have a great weekend with their dad and his new wife    They put pictures up last night and I actually thought 'They have put them up to annoy me' and slammed my laptop down.....

Oh Good God - irrational thoughts and outburst ALERT!

[Kathleen]

Hello JacquelineL, I understand your post entirely. My husband and son have just returned from watching the rugby in Australia, of course I didn't want to go but I'm so jealous that they know how to be happy and I don't.  Plus have you noticed how may  old couples there are walking around holding hands? How dare they look so contented when I'm a miserable, sweaty, anxious and bitter old wreck. It's enough to make you scream and cry, which I do frequently. It'll be three years in September since I had my last period and all I can hope is that my body starts to adjust to the new arrangement and lets me have my sanity back. You have my sympathy.
Take care.
K.

[CLKD]

You have my sympathy too - and I realise how lucky I have been so far 

[honeybun]

You make it sound as if you are on a desert island. Can I ask what island you are on.

It's hard when your family grow up and move on but in our saner moments we are happy for them.
I hate the panic attacks and also look around at others who seem to be so together while I am all over the place.
Will you celebrate with your daughter when she gets back. Perhaps planning that will give you something positive to think of. It's easy to get trapped in a downwards spiral, and oh so difficult to stop it.



Honeyb
X

[JacquelineL]

I live in Shetland, in a very small village. I moved up here 3 years ago but we are making plans to move back to the UK mainland as we have another grandchild on the way. 

If I don't get away soon I think I may go mad!  I love living here as the pace of life is wonderful, 99% of the people are great and my husband has a good job but non of what we have makes up for the feeling of loneliness that I feel. I am very thankful we moved up here as I have learnt an awful lot about myself.

I can't pop to the shops to have a browse or have a look around, as our one and only town is 25 miles away and we only have 1 street!!! We have no big shops or any high street shops (apart from the co-op and Tesco) Shetland won't allow outside names in 

You may think Shetland can't be far from my children but if you take a 12 or 14 hour overnight ferry, then a 10 hour car journey on the other side then 'Yep' it's a long long way!  I'm flying over to them next month (first time I've flown to them) It should take from my house to theirs around 7 hours, which is fantastic  

I'm taking my daughter for an afternoon shopping trip to buy her a nice present for her 21st.

I'm just in a 'pit' today as it's raining and grey and I'm spending yet another day on my own!!!!




 

[honeybun]

I am in Scotland too but west coast and not isolated. We did consider moving to one of the islands when we were younger but the fact of having to send the children off the island to secondary school put me off......so I do know just how far away you are.

It must be very hard for you.

Your trip sounds great and something to look forward too. Have you considered HRT....it could really help with the mood swings.


Honeyb
X

[CLKD]

Jealousy and loneliness can be death to any friendship.  Enjoy what you have now and make plans to move?  That way you can look back fondly - which once you have moved, you will do ;-).  Could you rent your current property in order to hasten a move?

[nelliedee]

I totally get you and just remember it is these blooming hormones. In a weeks time you will be level again xx

[JacquelineL]

Hi to all xx

Yes, we have the option to rent and currently have a person wanting to do that   We've had builders here since February - 'YAY' 2 weeks to go and all should be finished (I'm sure the whole of Shetland will hear my screams of joy)  We can sit down and talk about options once the house is nice and quiet, and finished!

With regards to HRT, my Dr told me to try Black Cohosh as it's supposed to be the favoured thing atm. I've been on it 3 months with no success so I'm seeing her again on the 17th of July. I'm a vegetarian, also quite an alternative person so she's going to try me on another herbal thing but I can't remember it's name 

I've kept really busy these last 2 days, actually half killing myself trying to paint the outside of the house (I've just popped in to throw painkillers down my neck, AGAIN) It all helps for when the valuer comes!

Apart from feeling absolutely shattered I actually feel rather stable in my head. I think I need to keep busy, music blaring on the iPod and a happy dog following me around is all rather lovely.  My very hot, screaming, aching back isn't much fun though!

Hope you are all keeping well xx



 

[CLKD]

Is the house walls pebble-dashed = pale pink?

[CLKD]

Also - if black cohash etc. worked, they would be available on the NHS     ..........

[JacquelineL]

My Dr is a bit peeved 'alternative' therapies which have been proved to work aren't available on the NHS. OK, they haven't worked for me but she is adamant she can find me an alternative. I think she said it was called 'Red' something or other. I'll find out on Wednesday and let you know.

I do think keeping busy has really helped. 

The house is pebble dashed but it's an old croft house so it's actually covered in beach pebbles 'absolute NIGHTMARE!' The inside walls are made from beach shingle and the outside is definitely a thing I am going to HATE 

[CLKD]

Cool all year round then?

I will be interested in what the Dr will suggest next! 

[JacquelineL]

My husband came with me today as I knew I'd just sit laughing and tell lies.

I want to stay on the cohosh for a bit longer as it has helped the hot flushes. I've been put on anti depressants as I opened up to 'exactly' how I was feeling. She discussed me being away from my family and I started crying 

I have promised her and my husband that I won't make any life changing decisions (re moving) whilst I'm so low.  I'm to go back on the 6th August for a longer appointment (hubby has to come with me so he can give 'honest' feedback)

She was marvellous with me!

[CLKD]

That's good!  it also gives your husband an insight