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[grumpy2008]

Let us know how you get on, Pennyfarthing.

Remember I mentioned that we've been trying to sort out elderly uncle's situation (he was admitted to hospital, sent home after a few days, readmitted a day later and has been there ever since). Social care assessed him, and low-and-behold, he wanted to go home. But we intervened and insisted he have at least two weeks respite in a care home, which took 10 days to sort out... but it turns out the care home won't take him because his needs are too great!!! And this is the man the man that social care want to send home! Good job there's another care home (which we had to push for) that is better equipped and has a space, so fingers crossed he moves there this afternoon :-)

[CLKD]

He probably needs Full Nursing Care.  Remember that any Nursing Care should be free 'at the point of delivery', including in Nursing Homes. 

Mine walked 2 miles home from the hairdressers on Wed., was really really hot apparently 

[Pennyfarthing]

No water infection!  She did find her confused though but I thought Mum was actually quite good today. I told her about ringing her and her just answering the phone saying "I need help. I don't know where I am" etc. And she agreed this was worrying.

  BP is fine.  She looked back through notes and another GP had mentioned organising an MRI scan of brain to see what's going on. She is going to book this when she goes back. Social services are sending in someone to help her get up, dressed, washed and get breakfast each day and offered lunch and evening but mum said she would see how that goes.

I have brought her back here until Sunday night so I can keep an eye on her and she can have company. We are reclining in summerhouse!!  .

She insisted on ringing my brother who doesn't speak to me as soon as we got in.  Got through to his wife and I could hear snippets and when she came off phone she said "she's contradicting everything I've told her and says why do we need paid carers going in when the two of them are always around."

Well, I nearly exploded!!!  She can't drive so never goes alone, brother pops In for 10 mins max and does nothing.  Most weekends they are away so where does that leave Mum?  They never take her out, never have her at their house etc etc. It's almost like they want something untoward to happen to her for some reason!! 

[CLKD]

Could your Mother be playing you off against each other; by that conversation does she want you to speak to your brother [regardless of the real situation?].  My Mum does that  .

Could your Mum have woken suddenly to answer the phone ……… hence the 'don't know where I am' comment?

[CLKD]

They probably won't believe it though.  Been there with my Husband's family of 8 siblings but his Mum was the one to whom full care fell upon - her brothers/sisters wouldn't believe how much daily work it took! 

[CLKD]

I expect she will be all sweetness and light    ……… on her 'best' behaviour!

[SadLynda]

oh dear, so sorry for you all having such difficulties, thought my time was rough.

Sorry cant remember who said what now, but my Mum is another who refuses to mention her chest pains, she got told off by community matron last week as it is looking like she had a bad angina attack and did nothing about it, my Dad also has to do as he is told and not phone for help.  Mum is getting a bit 'odd' of late, I had her urine checked again last week and it is not an infection, so the 'mind clinic' were on the phone to her, matron must have called them, they then phoned me to make an appointment for assessment, got it all sorted out and they have sent her a letter from the 'dementia clinic' so she flipped this morning over that one, just hoping I can manage to get her there as its another 3 weeks off yet.  I think its dehydration as she will not drink enough, but having said that she is asleep more than awake these days so simply forgets.

I now know why I struggled for help then, as I am the daughter and live locally it is expected then.  I am also doing a bit for an elderly couple who' dog I walk, they have family but seems they are left to it.

Hope you all get the help you need, and a bit of restbite needed for us all I think.

[Ju Ju]

Lynda, has your Mum had her salt levels checked? This has been an ongoing problem when she has her attacks. She becomes very confused and vague, but once sorted she is much more with it. The first time it happened, I did think it the the start of dementia. UTIs also leave her confused.

[Pennyfarthing]

Hate to say this PF but it might be as well for you to ring your brother and have a chat.
From here it sounds awful like they are begrudging any money spent on your Mother's care.
Surely that can't be the case given the two of them are always around........

If, it is the case that they are correct and it is your mother getting confused then it would be as well to find out what is actually going on. Anyway, it wouldn't harm for them to get to grips with the amount of care she needs now and is getting from you.

THey would just put the phone down on me!  When my Mum had ops on her eyes and came here for a few days they didn't even ring up.  Once I got to Mums and he was there and I actually stood in the doorway so he couldn't get past me to ignore me and Mum stood there and I said "hello" as normal even though he never replies.  I asked him why he doesn't speak to me and he grunted "got nothing to say to you." MUm was really upset so I said to him "I don't care how you are when you're out but when you're in Mums house you shouldn't upset her and you should be polite."  He just sneered. 

[CLKD]

Why didn't PF's Mum do something about the situation earlier on?    What hold do the sons have ……. it's the same in Mum's relationship to my sister who can do no wrong: golden daughter  . 

[Pennyfarthing]

Hate to say this PF but it might be as well for you to ring your brother and have a chat.
From here it sounds awful like they are begrudging any money spent on your Mother's care.
Surely that can't be the case given the two of them are always around........

If, it is the case that they are correct and it is your mother getting confused then it would be as well to find out what is actually going on. Anyway, it wouldn't harm for them to get to grips with the amount of care she needs now and is getting from you.

THey would just put the phone down on me!  When my Mum had ops on her eyes and came here for a few days they didn't even ring up.  Once I got to Mums and he was there and I actually stood in the doorway so he couldn't get past me to ignore me and Mum stood there and I said "hello" as normal even though he never replies.  I asked him why he doesn't speak to me and he grunted "got nothing to say to you." MUm was really upset so I said to him "I don't care how you are when you're out but when you're in Mums house you shouldn't upset her and you should be polite."  He just sneered. 

Oh PF that is such a shame - especially for your Mum.
Ok plan B - just go ahead and sort out anything that is required for your Mum.
Presumably they'll not be around to contradict anything that's arranged.
Not nice though.

Hugs

 

IT is a great shame Hasty but it won't change now despite me trying repeatedly.  MUm hates it all but they don't care and she never takes sides.  I have been doing plan B for some time. Whatever Mum wants doing or wants to buy I just sort it myself and consult no one.   If she needs to go for an appointment anywhere I sort that too. Only once have I ever told her she will have to get one of my brothers to take her as I had a hospital appointment elsewhere myself.

He didn't even ring me the other day when Mum fell off her bed and pressed her alarm.  My niece (not his daughter) rang me much later the next day.     THank you for listening.

[Pennyfarthing]

Why didn't PF's Mum do something about the situation earlier on?    What hold do the sons have ……. it's the same in Mum's relationship to my sister who can do no wrong: golden daughter  .

I've asked her many times CLKD and all she says is she is not taking sides.  Had she said years ago that she was not prepared to let anybody be rude or ignorant to anybody while in her house we might not be in this situation now. But it's much too late.

We were chatting this afternoon and I said "they always see you when you're sitting in your front room looking OK. They never have to push you around Tesco in a wheelchair or watch you stumbling around. They never have you over their house and they never take you out for a drive even."  Mum said "oh but they're so busy having building work done on their house."  I reminded her that she has been coming here for years, when we've had no tiles on the kitchen floor, when we've had no functional bathroom and when there's been wet paint everywhere. She knows I'm right but won't admit it! 

[CLKD]

It builds resentment ………. and anger that my Mum favoured my younger sister from day 1.  I think I know why as I have flashbacks to B4 she was born  .  Family dynamics can be repeated down the years until the real reason for fall outs is long forgotten! 

My sister was apparently 'busy bringing up her boys' or 'short of money so can't travel to see me that often' …… but I know who will be in at the reading of the Will!

[SadLynda]

Lynda, has your Mum had her salt levels checked? This has been an ongoing problem when she has her attacks. She becomes very confused and vague, but once sorted she is much more with it. The first time it happened, I did think it the the start of dementia. UTIs also leave her confused.

Mum is 'meant' to have them regularly checked as we have been down that road before too with the salt levels, I did have her urine tested for the UTI too, as had that one before also.  I will bring that up when/if we get to the clinic.  Thanks for advice though x

[grumpy2008]

Families, eh  . Pennyfarthing, similar thing happened between my mum and her brother... their relationship broke down while my mum was caring for their dad (my grandfather) and brother (who could do nothing wrong  ) would pop in for 10 minutes from time to time and tell mum how to do the caring! They never spoke after that  . It is sad; if it were me and you ever needed to communicate with your brother, I think I would write a letter and type the name and address on the envelope so that it wasn't thrown away before opening. Just a thought x

Regarding elderly uncle who's being transferred to a care home, it didn't happen yesterday after all, but should be happening this morning instead. We're waiting to hear. He's self-funding so I'm not sure where we stand on paying for care - he had some re-enablement care at home prior to his latest hospital admission and the LA claims this was his 'free' allotted care in place of his entitlement to respite/intermediate care. I know from experience that continuing health care is almost impossible to get because the criteria is so high (especially in his area), and since we don't have POA I'm not sure we could push for it anyway.

In other news, we completed on my dad's house yesterday. The house sale and clearance has occupied me for over a year, so it feels strange. Dad doesn't know - it's going to be odd talking to him about the house, knowing that it doesn't belong to him anymore