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[CLKD]

   touchy ………….

We wouldn't dare suggest it.  She has various 'work' people [most who have been in the village for years] who will do stuff if only she would ask  …….. plus the Company that has provided/sold her the alarm thingy which she wears ……. which she arranged off her own back …. so she *can* sort stuff …… a wait and watch situation 

[Dulciana]

I need to talk.  My Dad, who's almost 90, lives near us and is usually fine.  However, I worry about him so much, whenever I'm not with him.  He still manages to travel (just been down south to visit my sister), play his music, and cook for himself every day.  What I'm ashamed of, but can't get past, is that I'm getting more and more scared of keeping an eye out for him as the weeks and months go by.  When I leave him after a visit, I sometimes get tearful worrying about him.  I feel I can't cope with the responsibility, but I must, because I'm the only one of our family living near him - sometimes I even feel resentful, which then makes me feel ashamed.  I worry about him being lonely, falling, getting unwell, whatever....   (He's had a visit from the social services and is getting some bits and pieces put into his house.)   Sometimes my worrying gets in the way of other things that are important to me, such as my organ-practising and studying for my next challenge, then I feel resentful again, then guilty.    He's nowhere near house-bound yet, but worrying about him is beginning to get me down and I long for the next time one of my siblings comes over to visit him and takes the responsibility off my shoulders for bit.   I love my Dad but I'm getting scared of the future.  Thanks for listening. D.

[honeybun]

Looking after an elderly relative is always a bit scary. You just never know what will happen from one day to the next.
The only thing I can suggest is just enjoy the reasonably fit dad that you have for now and take it day by day. Doesn't sound as if your dad needs a lot of help at the moment so please enjoy it while you can.
When I leave my mothers house...and I'm there a lot....I try to leave problems on her doorstep.
I'm not always successful though 

I do understand how you feel. My anniversary holiday was dominated by calls about and from my mother because she was unwell. Eventually I just wanted to scream and it did put a bit of a strain on things.

Day by day.....it's the only way really.


Honeybun
X

[Dulciana]

I'm sure you're right, Honeybun.   I mean, whenever he's practising, I'm sure he's not worrying about me/us.  Yes, he is fairly fit.  He walks a lot, even if it is with a stick.   It's as if, just because I'm nearby, something's bound to go wrong, now, this minute, simply because I'm thinking about it - daytime or night-time, I'm just the same.   If I could just get past this resentment and panic that sets in, that would help clear my mind to be able to look after him (and just writing that made me quake).  Must buy some more lavender oil..

[honeybun]

You are in Scotland Dulciana...yes

Your dad is entitled to free personal care when and if the time comes.

Carers will come in four times a day and help him. It takes the strain off of you. Then you won't have to worry so much.
My mothers carers even let her little dog out, they give her breakfast in bed, supervise a shower and then they come in at night and close up the house and make her a cuppa. It's a wonderful service for you to use is you need to.
That may stop you feeling quite as responsible for all your dads care.


Honeybun
X

[Dulciana]

Yes, that's a point, Honeybun.   It does give me a bit of hope. 
I will try and take on board all you've said here, as I think it's what I needed to be told. Thank you so much.
Dulciana
x

[rebecca]

Dulciana

I am in the exact same situation as you my Dad is living on his own at 95.
You can't stop worrying, I know. But it will  help if you can step back and allow other siblings to do their share (this isn't always easy in some families).  I have found that if you can surround your father with a network of supporters albeit family/friends/care-workers, you can stop worrying so much.  No-one can continue to do this job all on their own long term. You will become stressed and ill and stress can manifest itself in so many ways as I have found out. It is hard and seems unnatural  to step back but you have to as you need your health to continue caring for him.   

If this care network is put in place maybe the time you spend with him will leave you more of a happier person in general.
It is never easy looking after an elderly relative but trying to spend time in the present is helping me.

I wish you well Dulciana 

Rebecca
       

[Ju Ju]

Oh it is a worry isn't it? My mum is so frail, more so after her recent hospital stay. She is nearly 88 and my Dad, 90, is her carer. She is able to do basic tasks independently. Dad cooks and Mum tells him what to do! They live a gutty 45 minute journey away. My only sister died years ago, so I have no one to share the load. I have low energy levels, and need to recover from each visit. I'm trying to go each week. My DH will help in an emergency, but is not keen to otherwise, partly because of his work, but mostly he doesn't have the emotional connection with my Mum, who is hard work and shall we say draining to be around! I prefer to visit on my own, cos it goes over my head. Now I am quietly amused while she tells me all the woes of people I don't know, before I deftly change the subject. They are not overly demanding thank goodness. Sunday is the start of my campaign to get them to agree to get someone in to clean. I'm not going to do it, when I struggle to do my own. The trouble is no one will do it how she does. They have someone to do the gardening, but she moans. The garden looks great to me.

[Dulciana]

Dulciana

I am in the exact same situation as you my Dad is living on his own at 95.
You can't stop worrying, I know. But it will  help if you can step back and allow other siblings to do their share (this isn't always easy in some families).  I have found that if you can surround your father with a network of supporters albeit family/friends/care-workers, you can stop worrying so much.  No-one can continue to do this job all on their own long term. You will become stressed and ill and stress can manifest itself in so many ways as I have found out. It is hard and seems unnatural  to step back but you have to as you need your health to continue caring for him.   

If this care network is put in place maybe the time you spend with him will leave you more of a happier person in general.
It is never easy looking after an elderly relative but trying to spend time in the present is helping me.

I wish you well Dulciana 

Rebecca
     

Thanks so much, Rebecca.  The problem is that my three siblings are scattered across the UK and I'm the only one who's physically
very near to him.    So really it's down to me and care workers as he gets more frail.   He doesn't really see himself as old, which has its good and bad points. 

[Millykin]

I've lost all my grandparents and few years ago my parents (young) we all helped look after each another, I know this sounds bad but I know I will never have that responsibility of looking after them again ( I would in a heartbeat) it can be draining. I just want to send you all a hug for doing what you are doing you all deserve it  x

[Ju Ju]

Just need to off load. Went to see my parents yesterday. Mum is better and is able to look after her personal needs and does not need care now, which is good. She is very frail though.

What gets me down is that they both seem to be having false memories. Sometimes this means they are angry about things they say I have said or done things I would never do or say or even think. One time my DH was there, when my dad said I had said something, and DH was furious. It turned out it was something my Dad had been thinking! While Mum was in hospital, she insisted I had taken a bag home for her and must have lost it. It was in the hospital bedside cabinet! Yesterday, they thought Mum's handbag complete with debit card, address, house keys and car keys, was missing. (I wasn't held responsible for this one.) They thought it had gone missing when mum was rushed to hospital, weeks ago. There had been no suspicious activity in the bank account. I looked round the bedroom, very cluttered, in cupboards etc, which made me feel intrusive. I discussed with Dad what to do next for piece of mind. Mum rang this morning to say they had found it on a special hook in the wardrobe, where apparently it was meant to be!

I seem to have won the battle about them having someone in to clean, but they want me to sort it out. I'll do the research, but I will not choose who. Made this mistake in getting someone to do some work in their house at their request. They weren't happy, but wouldnt complain or allow us to get it sorted out, yet they still go on and on and on......... Humph! I am learning to be gently assertive with them in my old age! Mum has long resisted, as she wants to be in control. (She took over my using the toaster recently! I dealt with this incident with a bit of humour. " Mum, I'm 61 and have had a little experience of using a toaster!")

I've started gently challenging certain things, rather letting them carry on. It can be hurtful and I'm having thoughts that I'm going not to share as that is what they are, just thoughts. This being the only surviving child is a very lonely business. I'm shattered today.

[honeybun]

 

They can be such hard work. One thing I have discovered over the years is that no matter how hard I try it's never going to be right or enough. I gave up trying and just do the best I can.

My mother is always loosing things. It's always "someone else" that has moved it. I can be blamed for things going wrong even if I'm not there.

Rest up.....ready for the next time 


Honeybun
X

[CLKD]

Ju Ju - you are in the firing line  …….. it's annoying too when they find what they think someone else has moved, even when that 'someone' hasn't been in the property for a while 

How about printing off 'there's a strange woman in my house' and sending to them  ……….

My Mum's village has a small monthly magazine where people offer services locally: ironing, cleaning, tidying etc.: is there such a 'rag' in the area that your parents live in?  Or ask AgeUK for their reliable person register for that area? or the Social Services may have recommendations.  One person in Mum's area was a retired Registered Nurse, another had been a Matron in a Care Home ……. both were very caring ladies!

I can't suggest anything to my Mum otherwise    …….

[Ju Ju]

Just had a phone call from Dad. Mum visited the doctors this morning and was fine, but since then she has started a urinary infection. She has ABs to take, but she can't take the ones that used to work, as her kidneys are not working efficiently. The ones prescribed have been ineffective in the past. She can hardly walk or talk. I told my Dad to call the Doctor, but he won't until tomorrow. She's now sleeping and he can't face yet another night in hospital. The thought came into my mind that if she died in the night, then it would be in her own bed in her own home. This seems like a slow decline. She's 88 this year and has long outlived every member of her family. I'll ring in the morning. I had just come back from a meeting with the voluntary organisation, I volunteer with and told them I was available to work. Oh dear. Asking for trouble?

[CLKD]

Urine infection or AB Ju Ju? of course I mean VA