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[Taz2]

I'm so grateful to have had the parents I did. I can't imagine having to care for them if I had disliked them - it was hard enough to do when we got on so well. Such a difficult time for all of you in this position.

Taz x

[honeybun]

My mum reminds me of the little ditty.

When she was good she was very very good.......but.....when she was bad she was horrid.


I do love her Taz and I do understand why she is the way she is at times. She is frustrated at her limitations. But I dislike the way she speaks to me. It's,as if she has all this frustration inside and it has to come out.

It's hard to like it when you are being verbally abused but she is my mother and that's that.

Honeyb
X

[CLKD]

NO ONE has the 'right' to abuse anyone else, what ever their relationship.  I have to remind Mum of this occasionally by quoting others in a similar situation as she would never believe I was suggesting that she is a 'nasty' person. 

Did your sister have a good time away or did she worry about how you were managing HoneyBun?

When I don't bow to Mother's commands she calls me 'hard'.  I have learnt the hard way, with friends walking away when I was ill with depression and anxiety, more recently when a friend told me she was looking for a new circle of friends, when someone else even more recently is 'very busy' so doesn't drop by any more  - look after number 1?

[Pennyfarthing]

Just got to have a 5 minute moan!   Had Mum here for the weekend and took her back this evening.  On the way she asked if I would tie up her climbing rose over the arch in her garden.  I did say that surely this was something one of the brothers could do but she didn't reply.  I unloaded all her stuff, put all her shopping away and took her case upstairs.

She found me the step ladders, twine & scissors and I set to.  While I was up the steps (wobbling due to my vertigo) I noticed that there was some material flapping on her flat roof. She mentioned this to me weeks and weeks ago and I told her to get one of the brothers to stick it back with strong adhesive because I wasn't up for climbing on a roof albeit a flat one.  I assumed she had and the job was done because she didn't mention it again.

Got down and mentioned it to her and she said "I keep hinting to them but they don't do it."  I said "It's no good hinting, just TELL them it needs doing like you just have with me and the roses."   

[honeybun]

Sometimes no matter what you do its never enough.

I think our parents forget that we are getting older too.


Honeyb
X

[Pennyfarthing]

Sometimes no matter what you do its never enough.

I think our parents forget that we are getting older too.


Honeyb
X

Honeybun - it's not the fact about getting older but why I get asked to do everything.  I won't bore you with all I do because I've said it loads of times on here but one brother pops in and cuts the grass and that's it.  He flies over it with the mower, doesn't get any weeds out and if she asks him to do the edges he makes a real mess of it.  The other one pops in to use Mum's loo, reads her paper and she makes him a coffee.  He never does anything.    Wouldn't you think while one of them was there she could just ASK them to tie up the roses?   

[CLKD]

Nope. Because your Mum knows how to push buttons too.  Boys are 'special'.  Girls are the doers  ...... M in L was one of 8 the eldest being a boy, then M in L then a mix of boys/girls.  NONE of the others took any interest in helping her care for their parents, both who had late onset diabetes and also signs of dementia.  She would keep the flat clean, do their washing etc. and her brothers/sisters woudl 'pop' over for an afternoon, find them neat and tidy then wonder out loud what M in L's problems were!  They didn't see the daily grind.

Boys are not expected to 'do' anything except accept the paper, coffee, a chat ......... perhaps you shoudl suggest that your Mum looks through yellow pages for a tradesman to do the flappy bit on the roof and point out that you will not be going up ladders in future whilst you have 2 brothers who are not physically disabled 

I've listened to Mum ranting this morning 

[ladybug50]

Had Mother on phone yisty for 40 mins.
Thanking me for Flowers I sent (Spring Roses) and telling me all about her latest Hospital Visit. 
Moaning that my Brother has given them both a Wiltshire Farm Foods Booklet and TOLD them to do something as they cannot carry on as they are!! 
She is a manipulative minx, she  moans that Brother is on at them both to get some help in, I told her she was a bit selfish making her favourite son Worry so. (ahem) That he is obviously so concerned about her that he could make himself ill and NOT be able to visit them. (lies, all lies!)
That made her shut up! 
Spoke to Father and made him think that "He thought it was all GOOD idea", temporarily. (ahem)
 No idea if they will budge ...EVER!
Felt drained when I came off the phone.
Made no promises to visit anytime soon.     

[CLKD]

Tell them that there are people 'out there' that really enjoy Wiltshire Farm Foods - my Mum has found them really useful, but it was her choice ........... I suggested it years ago and her late brother in law found them OK so she had it in the back of her mind so thinks it's her idea 

Don't feel guilty.  You can't care for them as they want to be cared for 

[ariadne]

Do you think that elderly parents - especially mothers, find it easier to ask daughters for help than sons? I wonder if sons make them feel bad for asking - perhaps sulking or complaining, or even doing the job but with bad grace. I am picturing my Dad here, when Mum would ask him to do something he didn't want to do    He was a mild man but if he didn't want to do something, he would eventually do it but made Mum wish she had never asked. She always used to say "I never ask anyone to do something I can do myself"

I try to imagine what it must be like for a once independent person to have to rely on others for help. I think this must be what leads to the cussedness of some elderly people when having to accept that help. My mother in law's late husband absolutely hated having to admit he needed help and when help was given, he would cuss and curse under his breath out of frustration I think. However, at the time, we thought him rude and most ungrateful.

We can only do our best and when I read how some of you put so much time, effort and love into caring for your elderly parents in spite of your own problems and ill health, I am just amazed at your strength.

ariadne xx

[CLKD]

I think there is a lot of truth there Ariadne.  Certainly when Dad could no longer care for his garden, anyone else would never do it 'right' ......... even if he were there instructing as they pruned, mowed etc..  Lack of control in his case.

Which is why we, as daughters, should engage outside agencies if parents become obstroberus ....... because it can ruin an already delicate relationship 

[Taz2]

I'm glad that I didn't get in outside agencies though - it does take an awful lot of patience and adaptation to help the person who is getting older and is desperately trying to hang on to control of their lives but I am sure when it is my turn I too will be scared of what is to come. It was very difficult caring for my mum and dad, especially when my mum's dementia really took hold and she would threaten me with "You wait till my daughter gets here she'll have the law on you she will" and also when my dear dad began to become incontinent and tried to hide it from me. The journey each week of 300 mile round trip didn't help either but I did what I thought best and I am still glad I did it.

Maybe it's my own age catching up with me but I really can put myself in their shoes somehow. Old age isn't nice - it's all about loss.

Taz x

[honeybun]

It's sad to see them getting older and it sounds as if you did all the right things for your parents Taz. If you can look back with no regrets then that is wonderful.

We have had no choice but to get outside help although it's minimal at the moment. I know it takes away something but it also allows mum to stay in het own home. If we need more help them we will get it. Sometimes help from outsiders is easier to accept than from close family. My mum needs someone to sit with her when she has a shower. She was not happy with me or sis doing it but accepts a carers help.

Ups and downs....positives and negatives.

I think when my time comes I will be happy to accept the help, perhaps because I have seen how nice the carers are. If it stops me going into a home then I will go for all that is on offer.

Honeyb
X

[CLKD]

Me too Honeybun - can't wait to get my 'scooter' thingy 

It is the sense of loss.  Every day I sit by our ponds and that is what I will miss most when push comes to shove.  That and watching the changing seasons knowing that we built this garden from scratch.

But I will accept help if it is available though with tonight's news about the NHS 

[Taz2]

I think that I worded it a bit strangely. I agree that outside help is often necessary and something that should be welcomed if it allows our relatives to stay in their own homes for as long as possible. I was really responding to the comment about us daughters getting in outside agencies when our relatives get grumpy and obstreporous. I was trying to say that it was difficult to cope with that side of things but I am glad that I managed it.

My mum and dad constantly cancelled everything I put in place re carers or delivered meals. They would nod and smile and agree and then by the time I was partway through the journey home my mobile would ring and it would be one of the agencies informing me that my dad had just phoned and cancelled what we had only just agreed on!

I dread the day I can no longer drive - I know I will react really badly!!

Taz x