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[CLKD]

I think it has to go through Court to be activated?  But a Solicitor should never appear brusque to clients, I would alter my Solicitor.  Your Dad was probably saying he wanted to discuss it before signing as he couldn't understand and needed breathing space.  Frustrating but necessary to make sure he feels he is in control ..........

I was listening to a conversation this morning (off to start another thread) .......

[CLKD]

I had Age UK life magazine recently through the post: I quote:

"My mum lives with dementia in a care home near me.  I sold her 2-bedroomed house to be able to cover her fees.   ....... She currently pays about £3,400 a month.  There is an extra cost for the nursing element of her care, but the local authority do pay that.

"It doesn't seem right that because she worked hard and saved, mum's left to shoulder this enormous financial burden.  I don't know what will happen if she runs out of money.  The whole system needs to be sorted out".

Now maybe I am missing the point: but *what* are savings for?  Age UK goes on to say:
"Paying for these high care needs can threaten hard-earned savings and assets (including their homes). leaving them financially vulnerable ....."

Why would paying for high care needs, presumably because the person is unable to remain safely in their home and unlikely to return there, put them at financial risk?  If parents want their children to have money without paying the Government anything then now is the time to hand it over, not wait!!!!!

[Limpy]

That sounds good, but don't the Inland Revenue start getting interested in things like that?

[CLKD]

Only if it is thought that one is handing over large amounts in order to avoid care home fees 

[honeybun]

I think there is a time scale. If memory serves me right it's about 7 years.

Forward thinking I guess. I would rather my kids have my money than the government. I know plenty of old people who are in homes. Some are paying fro the sale of a house others are getting their care free as they lived in council houses.
My money and house will be handed over long before I get to that point.

Honeyb
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[Pennyfarthing]

Well I've just come off phone to my Mum who told me she wished she was up in the graveyard. This was because she was running on about how marvellous my brother is who hung her washing out for her today (that would be 2 prs tights and a bra and pants  ).  He does sweet FA for her and she has not been to their house for 1-2 years and they only live about 4 miles from her.

I said "Mum I'm not interested in him you know that." Regulars will know he has not spoken to me for years, even if our paths cross at Mum's house and he can see it upsets her but he doesn't care. So she started crying and said "all this nastiness upsets me so much."   I reminded her that he's the one who won't speak and was very rude to me last time we saw each other but she's choosing to ignore that.

She's seeing the GP tomorrow because she fell over last week and this is a follow up but she says she still doesn't feel right.  She was hinting that she might not feel up to coming away with me next week (just an hour away) and I said she was to do whatever she thought best.
I am so drained, TBH I couldn't really care less tonight. 

[honeybun]

Penny, I think you are wonderful with your mum but like all of us you get tired.
Your mum might be feeling a little vulnerable after her fall.

If I have been told once by my mother she would rather be dead I have been told hundreds of times. It's very wearing to hear that so much. I did ask her once if I had a pill I could give her would she take it.....that shut her up.

Your brother should thank his lucky stars that you do so much for your mum. It lets him off the hook. Good for you not letting his rudeness get you down.

Hope your mum decides she can go away with you.

Honeyb
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[Pennyfarthing]

Penny, I think you are wonderful with your mum but like all of us you get tired.
Your mum might be feeling a little vulnerable after her fall.

If I have been told once by my mother she would rather be dead I have been told hundreds of times. It's very wearing to hear that so much. I did ask her once if I had a pill I could give her would she take it.....that shut her up.

Your brother should thank his lucky stars that you do so much for your mum. It lets him off the hook. Good for you not letting his rudeness get you down.

Hope your mum decides she can go away with you.

Honeyb
X

Thank you for your kind words Honeybun.  She's never said this to me before (aout the graveyard) and I know she doesn't feel well but she was really rubbing it in.  I was going to take her shopping on Sat but she said she didn't feel up to it. I asked if she needed anything and she said no, she was sorted so I didn't go over. I did ring her several times though and told her to ring me if she needed anything.
I have organised to collect a lightweight wheelchair near our site and she'll get the double room and there will be no stairs or anything so I was hoping she'd get a really good rest, a change of scenery and some company.  Maybe brother has put doubt in her mind.  He did that when my Dad died and she said she'd like to move somewhere smaller.  I said it was a great idea but she listened to him and he said "you can't leave this house, all your memories are here."  I can honestly say that had I not organised for a stair lift for her and her bathroom turning into a wet room she would not have been able to cope.  Neither of the brothers lifted a finger, it was all down to me.

I have been reading my "Mindfulness" book and that encourages you to break the cycle of anxiety and stress. You are supposed to observe negative thoughts as they arise, let them stay a while and then watch them evaporate!  It also teaches you not to judge yourself. I already feel a little more detached I think.

[honeybun]

You simply can't do any better than that. Is your brother a bit jealous of the relationship you have with your mum or is he just mixing things.

I have a little of the same. My mother always listens to what my older sister says and my opinions are dismissed. It's not my sister's fault.....She can't help it and I know she wishes it was different. I have just stopped commenting and let them get on with it although it can be hurtful.

Glad your book is making a difference. Anything that helps is great.

Honeyb
X

[CLKD]

Not my pig not my farm 

My Mum will take anyone's advice other than mine  .  DH (so far) can do nothign wrong so issues still get sorted.  But she will go on and on and ......... about how so and so tells her it's 'too much to pay' or 'too far to travel' ......... or will take too long ...... or she reads about stuff in the daily papers and believes what is written rather than those with experience.

I try when on the 'phone to offer up advice and it's up to her to take it: or not.  But when we are together 

[honeybun]

After the the morning I have had I truly believe we all deserve a medal.


Honeyb
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[CLKD]

      home now?

[honeybun]

Yes home now totally worn out with trying to please.

This time it's over food. Sis did mum's meals for years and there was always complaints. I took over a year ago and still complaints. She changed to M&S and now that does not suit either.
She wants to cook her own. She is not capable so she wants me to cook at her house. Does not work either. Then it's.....I don't want to eat any meat just fish or chicken. I cooked fish this morning and she complained about the smell.

Sorry for the rant but she has me so down with the whole carry on.

Honeyb
X

[Taz2]

Maybe you do need to step back now Honeybun and give up your "job". Is there someone local who would come in for the money you are paid? I know she wont like it but it might just do the trick. You could always go back to it after a while and she might treat you a bit better. You have got to look after yourself too in all of this.

With my own mum and dad it did get very difficult especially as I lived 150 miles away and I would get home and they would complain about something I hadn't done. They also thought that I should move in with them as they felt, in their muddled minds, that they needed me more than my sons did now that they were "grown up" - I still had a 12 and 16 year old at home at that point. I found it really difficult sometimes to keep it all going and that was with us having had a really loving relationship for almost fifty years so I can't imagine what it's like if you have always had a difficult time with your mum!

Taz x

[honeybun]

I have suggested that she gets someone else to do for her. Her answer to that one was to take to her bed and refuse to speak to anyone. If me or sis spoke she pulled the covers over her head. It was awful and I was backed into a corner. What can I do.....She treats me like #### but does not want anyone else.
Sometimes, although rarely she is really nice....most of the time she is a discontented old woman who hates the world.


Honeyb
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