Hi I'm new on here
I have spent the last 3 days reading everything ... It's a great resource
I am 50 just ..
This week I went to the GP to get HRT
I went 2 years ago due to irregular periods and she took blood and confirmed I was peri menopausal - and gave me info to read
Honestly I didn't realise what was going on for me as I had a very full on life style ..
I was based in ibiza and working in Exeter once a month so flying a lot
It's really hard to find affordable accommodation in ibiza and I moved 6 times in a year and a half !
The place I eventually took turned out to be very noisy hard to park .. It drove me a bit nuts .. I really struggled as I never liked it from the start but there wasn't a lot of choice for my budget and
I had struggled renting rooms from people .. Seemed to fall out with everyone ...
2 months after I got this place I had a lump on my lip
Jan 15 - April 15 - I was under the doctor in uk for a suspected cancerous lump .. Got knocked off hospital lists .. Nightmare situation and 4 months to get a result - all the while with no place to live as I was in uk at my parents home ... Feeling in the way ...
When I got the positive result I was so flat .. I was not elated .. I just thought 'huh so I have to keep on living then !!! .. ' I knew something was wrong so went to dr and got anti depressants ...
Which I didn't take .. I'm not keen on this kind of medication .. Preferring holistic
I went back to ibiza had a good month teaching yoga ...
At the beginning of June my father was rushed into hospital heart problem nearly died - diagnosed with prostate cancer - I was 6 weeks in uk .. Again no where to stay .. In total shock ( I had no partner or kids so closest relatives are my parents and siblings .. )
I was very tearful and my stepmother called me dramatic .. And I was pushed away it felt ...
I Went back to ibiza in August .. Super hot ... Sweating off the scale ...
Returned to uk .. Still sweating ?? ... Weird ..
At the end of sept / beginning of October my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer stage 3 ...
(My parents have been separated 40 years both have other partners )
The Bottom fell out of my world ...
Still no where to stay ... My sister didn't want me there although she had a spare room - said I was aggressive ..
My mother and sister and I have a close but very difficult relationship ..for the previous 2 years I had been unable to connect with my mum without arguing as she always seemed to press my buttons ..so it was devastating news .. So much confusion guilt ..
I moved back to uk as I wanted to spend more time with her ..
I should say that my sister and my mum kept saying I was having some kind of breakdown ..( But expecting me to behave normally) .. I was really angry at them .. It felt like a personal attack ..
No one in my family would offer me somewhere to stay - my aunt said it was because I was angry and stressy .. I felt it was precisely because no one offered me a bed .. That I was angry and stressy!
So I packed up the flat in ibiza in 10 days and came back .. Exhausted for my mums birthday .i had to rent a place which I could not afford .. Then bought a studio .. So lots of moving ..which was so overwhelming .. .
I have been totally useless .. Unable to support my mum ..very weepy .. She didn't want me around it seemed ... My sister was going with her to appointments for chemo and others .. I was never invited .. Or asked .. I felt left out and rejected it all made me feel worse ..
Mum has just finished radiotherapy .. She is experiencing nasty side effects .. And unbelievably the last two times I have seem her have been really difficult.. I was crying and she said she didn't need anyone needy around her .. Which I totally get .. I feel so terribly guilty as I want to support her but I'm a mess ...
There's more but this is just a flavour .. Of why I missed what was happening for me ..
Because of the circumstances of my life In the last 2 years I thought that this was causing my crazy time ..
A few days before my 50 th birthday which I was totally anxious about .. And hadn't arranged anything as I have not reconnected back with friends in uk bar a couple ..and felt isolated from my family .. . As I felt I had nothing positive to offer ... I'd gone to ibiza to see 2 of my best friends .. I fell out with them .. And the dinner I had arranged got cancelled by the venue ..
I had spent the last days before this bed ridden with fever .. Boiling hot and freezing cold ... Thought I was ill ...
So on my 50 th I had a total meltdown ..
I have been recovering since ... I have just taken a week off .. As I had another emotional meltdown at work .... Due to no sleep (on call ) it was after this I saw my mum and ended up in floods of tears .. I was trying to hide how I felt ... But it didn't work ...
On Mother's Day I tried again to do lunch for my mum .. Both her and my aunt told me that my grannie had a really terrible time with menopause .. Total depression ..
I had noticed my anger a lot in the last days ...
So I whet to the GP - a man - he prescribed tablets .. My mum said to get patches as she had suffered a lot with digestion issues - I went back got a prescription for patches ..evorel sequi - 3 chemists didn't have them and couldn't get them .. Supply issue ! I thought it was the doctor being uninformed and got cross with the receptionist ... I was desperate at this point ...
Then they gave me another prescription for fem 7 ... I got the last packet in the chemist there is - also a supply problem with them ...!!! What no supply
But I'm desperate !
I used the first patch yesterday ... I really hope I am ok with them .. I had been hoping to get bio identical hormones .. But mum told me her and her friends tried everything .. All the healthy options and nothing worked except the patches .. I was so desperate by the time I went for help .. I was just - give me something now .. I'm having a breakdown .(.I'm not sure doctors realise how desperate it gets .... )
I also have an appointment with a menopause specialist .. Private in May !! First available appointment ( her NHS budget was stopped a few years back ! )
And I read this forum ...
I now realise that throughout this crazy crazy time I have been suffering with the symptoms of menopause .. But didn't realise the intensity .. I was taking ayervedic supplements which I think helped ... And I teach yoga so was doing a lot of yoga until October .. When my mum got diagnosed ...and life got more crazy .. I stopped doing yoga .. And I've had a block about getting back on the mat .. I've been smoking and drinking coffee .. I seem to have gone into self-destruct mode ...
Through out this time I also thought I had lost money from my house sale by investing with a friend .. Every month for 8 months he said it was coming and it didn't ..I also saw that as a reason for my state of mind ..
I was aware that my life style and choices were not helping ...I thought that all of the above was why I was experiencing tiredness anger fear ...
What I didn't realise til now is that all of the things I was trying to cope with and all of the bad choices I made and running all over the place .. Was Probably BECAUSE I was in a full blown menopausal state - I was procrastinating, indecisive, un sure, changeable , falling out with people ,
I have had one period in 14 months .. But I cannot have evorel conti til I am 12 months clear of a period the GP says - the one period I had was 4 months ago ..
Having read this forum back to back .. I now recognise that for the last 2 years plus I have been operating from a hormonally unbalanced place ..
Angry stressed depressed rejected poor me victim .. Life's unfair etc etc .. The mental stuff has for me been very incidious I think - so I did not notice it ..and thought it was to do with the various traumas ..and life challenges and the fact that I've always found life hard .. Maybe I've always been depressed ..
I did notice The sweats periodically - but the last month cranked right up..
Now I realise that being so menopausal and having to cope with all of the above would have been a really really hard thing ...
No wonder I'm where I am ...
And that really is why I'm writing this post .. I feel I just didn't realise what was going on in my mind .. I didn't realise how my mind had been effected ..
So I have started the patches ...
I will get back on the mat ..... I can see that yoga has definitely helped deal with things before.. as the contrast of no yoga since October is profound ..
I had no idea this could last for years ...! It was depressing to read that but hey now I know what I'm dealing with ... It's so much better to know
I will now look at putting in place a much more healthy lifestyle. Eat well take supplements ...
I am horrified that there is so much ignorance and lack of help out there .about a life changing debilitating cycle of a woman's life ... It is still a taboo .. It is under the radar it seems .. and for sure I have been in denial ...
Blaming circumstance rather than hormones for everything that has been going on for me ..
I now see that trying to do everything I was doing and coping with ...was of course never going to be easy with all the symptoms i have ... Symptoms I was not fully aware of until I read this forum
Thanks for being here everyone ... You all rock !
If I can offer anything I would say get on the mat ... I will be ..
I did a menopause yoga workshop with Bobby Clennell a while back .. At the time I did it for info didn't think I was menopausal !!!! Durh !
Her book
The woman's yoga book
looks at yoga for the cycles of a woman's life including peri / menopausal / post menopausal
I think it is a gem .. I intend to put together a yoga class for menopause and get it out there ...
This has been a huge wake up call for me ..
Lastly yesterday I went for a massage ... I got lucky .. It was a cancelled appointment slot .. She is usually totally full ...
It was a mixture of different methods ..
Amazing .afterwards ... I felt for the first time for months that I was 'back in the room'
She said my soul / life force had kinda checked out ... I wasn't in my body ...this can happen with trauma ...
From reading some of the posts .. It is clear to me that there is major trauma with menopause ..
And perhaps having massage and treatments can be a way of coping ... As We need to get grounded ..and be heard ..
I send love and hugs to all of you amazing women out there ...
We are strong .. We CAN do this together ...
Phew it's out ! ..I will take up journaling from now on .. !
Thanks for listening X
